28. Will
WILL
Iwake up to Porter’s body glued to mine, my arms wrapped around him, pulling his back to my chest.
It feels right.
Every time I wake up with him in my arms feels right. Porter has never shied away from my touch and it fills something deep inside of my chest that has always craved this closeness with another person.
I squeeze him a little tighter as I nuzzle into his back.
He’s the perfect fit for me. His breathing shifts slightly, and I think he might be waking up, but I don’t want to let him go.
I press a light kiss to the back of his hairline, testing it out, as I think about how we didn’t kiss last night at all.
Porter groans before pulling away from me.
“Nooo,” I protest, not wanting him to leave my arms and also hoping for another morning hookup. All the horniness I’ve felt this semester seems equal parts satisfied and revved up, eager for more after yesterday, and I’m not even sure how that’s possible.
“Bathroom,” he explains with a laugh as he stands up to leave the room.
I lie there for a moment, staring at the ceiling as I listen to his footsteps before the bathroom door clicks shut in the hallway. One night with him here wasn’t enough. There’s so much more I want to do with him.
Except, when Porter comes back, he’s already grabbing his clothes from the floor, pulling on his sweatpants and crop top. So I guess we’re not hooking up again right away. Damn.
“Want me to make breakfast?” I offer, sitting up so the sheet pools around my waist.
“We can just go through a drive-through,” he suggests with a shrug.
“Are you in a rush to get back?” I ask, confused as to why he’s suddenly in such a hurry to leave. I can’t remember him saying anything about needing to get back to campus for work or anything.
“I’ve got things to do before classes start back up tomorrow,” he explains, and I can’t tell if it’s an excuse.
“P,” I say more firmly, and he finally stops packing to look at me. “We’re okay, right? You know I’m okay with everything we did yesterday. More than okay.”
“Yeah, of course.”
I still can’t get a read on his expression, but maybe I’m just overthinking things because I’m so out of my element wanting to continue hooking up with the same person. It’s early, maybe he needs coffee, and he’ll perk up after we eat something. I start packing then dip into the bathroom.
I have to admit to myself I’m disappointed as we pack up my car to leave.
I really thought we’d have more time in our little bubble here.
I wanted to lay in bed, cuddle up, exchange more blowjobs, maybe even fuck him if he’d let me.
God, I wanted to see him in those little panties he was wearing.
Hopefully he’ll still want to do all of those things when we get back, but there was something about being truly alone here that made crossing those lines for the first time feel a little easier.
Thinking about all of this makes me realize how much I’ve missed out on with my super casual approach to sex. Porter is someone I care about, and I’ve never had that with anyone I’ve hooked up with before. I’m surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed the extra connection.
Once we’re all packed up, I do a final check of the place to make sure we’ve got everything and then meet Porter in the car where he’s waiting for me. I turn the car on and pull out of the driveway, turning to him. “Anywhere you want to stop for breakfast?”
“Nah, I’m not hungry yet. I might just sleep.” Then he turns into the window with his balled-up hoodie against it and closes his eyes.
Fuck, is he mad at me?
I feel like this is probably karma coming to bite me in the ass for the way I’ve treated all my past hookups. I really thought I was doing them a favor by being so quick to move on. Is that what’s happening here? Is Porter trying to move on and go back to just being friends?
Shit. This fucking sucks. I feel… discarded.
I’m not even confident that’s what’s happening, but the possibility alone has me jumping into panic mode.
I’m normally so much better at setting the expectation before a hookup so that there’s no question after about what it meant, but lust won out over logic yesterday.
I’m drawn to Porter in a way that I’m not sure I’ve experienced before.
Should I ask him now? What if he really is just tired, and I make things even more awkward between us?
I was hoping we’d have more time today. I was so excited when I woke up this morning, and now, every mile marker feels like a countdown to the end of something—and I really hope it isn’t our friendship.
I’ll never forgive myself if I ruined it with my dares.
This is exactly why I hesitated to tell him I was attracted to him in the first place.
But then I saw his dildo and it was like all rational thought stopped working, and the only thing I could think about was seeing Porter naked.
Fuck, this is what I get for thinking with my dick.
When we pull up to his place—after he slept the whole drive back, or pretended to, I can’t be sure—I’m desperate to show him that I’m still the same person, that what happened between us doesn’t mean things need to be weird and that I’d love for them to keep happening.
He unbuckles and opens the car door, and I do the same, hurrying to beat him to the trunk so I can open it for him and grab his bag.
“I can handle it,” he assures me with a smile.
“I know,” I acknowledge. “But I want to.”
I sling the bag over my shoulder and walk him up to the door.
I’ve always enjoyed taking care of Porter, and I have no intention of stopping now.
He puts the key in the handle to unlock it, then steps inside, holding his hand out for his bag.
It’s not the invite inside I was hoping for, but I hand it over without protest. “Thanks again for inviting me. I had a really great time.”
“Me too,” he replies easily, but he’s already got his hand on the door ready to close it. “See ya later.”
“Bye, P. Let me know if you need anything.” He nods, then shuts the door, and I feel like my chest cracks open from the rejection.
I slide into the driver’s seat, and as I pull up my phone contacts, I hesitate, hovering over my mom’s name.
After another moment, I decide against calling my parents for help.
I know their focus will be on me coming out to them, and that’s not my priority right now.
At least Nathan and Cam know who Porter is and that I went to spend the night at a lake house with him last night.
It’ll be easier to talk to them, even if I’ve never asked them for advice like this before.
As soon as I get home, I seek out my roommates, but I don’t have to look very hard.
Nathan and Cam are sprawled on the couch, controllers in hand, deeply invested in whatever game they’re currently playing.
Interesting that Decker isn’t here, but that’ll probably make things easier for me right now.
“Oh, hey, man,” Cam says after a moment when I plop into the empty love seat next to the couch they’re on.
“’Sup?”
“Not much, just whooping Cam’s ass as usual. Decker’s coming over soon too. Probably to beg us to move into that four-bedroom house he’s obsessed with next year one more time.”
Ah, there it is. It’s not that I care if Decker knows, but I think this is something that would be better for just Cam and Nathan to discuss with me for now before welcoming a third opinion who’d probably just agree with whatever Cam says.
“Okay, then I’ll make this quick. Can you guys pause the game? I need your advice.”
“Sure, man, what’s up?” Cam asks as he presses a button on the controller, pausing the screen. “Did you have fun at the lake house?”
I’m realizing now, I didn’t really think through telling them I’m bi.
Maybe my parents would have been the better option when I know they’ll be supportive.
I honestly don’t know how these guys will react.
I’m pretty sure Cam won’t care, but Nathan has been a bit prickly with me every time Porter’s come up in conversation.
But I’d rather them know the truth immediately than feel like I’m keeping some big secret about myself from them.
Besides, I really do want their help, and they can’t do that without knowing that piece of it.
“I did, yeah. Until this morning. So turns out, I’m bi. It’s something I’d been thinking about for a while now, but last night I—”
“Wait, wait,” Cam interrupts me. “Did you just say you’re bi? Like, bisexual?”
“Yeah,” I confirm simply without explaining myself more.
“Holy shit, dude!” Cam responds, obviously surprised. “I have so many questions, but continue.”
I suppose that seems supportive. Nathan hasn’t said anything, and I risk looking at him. He looks expressionless though, almost like he’s holding his breath. Not glowing support but not enough to stop me.
“Yeah, that’s not the part I need help with.
Anyway, last night I hooked up with Porter, and I thought we both really enjoyed it.
But this morning he rushed out of the rental and barely talked to me.
Slept the whole ride home. I don’t know if I did something wrong or what to do, but I care about him a lot, and I can’t fuck this up,” I admit.
“Um, do you have feelings for him? Is Will Carter catching feelings? I never thought I’d see the day!” Cam ribs me.
“Not the point!” I remind him, rolling my eyes. “What the hell did I do wrong? I feel so discarded.”
“Maybe you just suck at hooking up with another dude,” Nathan finally adds to the conversation.
“Screw you, like you’d be any better,” I joke, relieved he’s not being weird about it. “Besides, I think I did pretty good for my first time.”
Nathan avoids eye contact, and Cam looks lost in thought, but neither of them are helping me. Yeah, I definitely should’ve just called my parents.
“Any ideas?” I push.
“Okay, I know I was giving you shit, but my point stands. Do you actually want to date him? I just don’t get the problem when you hate repeats.”
Cam brings up a valid point, but I don’t feel like those “rules” apply to Porter.
Everything about hooking up with him felt different.
I regret not talking to him more in-depth before we hooked up because I don’t know if I can handle him icing me out.
The more I think about it, today felt like we were already drifting so far apart, even when he was right next to me.
I consider Cam’s question more because this is part of the reason I didn’t have a talk with Porter in the first place. I don’t have an answer. I’ve never dated anyone. I have no idea what that would even be like.
“Fuck, I don’t know about dating. But I want to do it again. It was different, he’s different, and I don’t know how to explain it. But it sucks feeling like roles are reversed for me, and for the first time, I don’t know what to do, but I want more of him.”
“Tell us what actually happened,” Nathan suggests, and I’m relieved he wants to help, that he really doesn’t seem upset by my coming out to him, so I do.
Leaving out all the personal details, like the dildo, and focusing on how we hooked up, talked, cuddled, went to bed, then his behavior this morning.
“I’ve got nothing.” Cam seems dumbfounded when I explain, and it’s exactly how I feel too.
“Shit.”
“Yooo.” The door opens and Decker’s voice booms through the space as he walks in the living room.
“Let me know if you guys think of anything.” I’m not ready to have this unhelpful conversation all over again, so I just nod to Decker in greeting and head to my room to unpack, unsure where to go from here but determined to figure it out.