29. Porter
PORTER
“Wake up, sleepyhead!” Josie shouts as she climbs into bed with me. Apparently I was able to fall asleep after dramatically plopping face down onto my bed the moment I got home.
Despite pretending to sleep the entire drive here, I couldn’t actually relax enough to get any real rest until I was alone.
My decision to go with the flow and enjoy the moment with Will was a lot harder to keep up for a second day when I knew we’d be coming back to campus and going our separate ways.
I tried my best to still be casual and breezy but it was so much easier to close my eyes and overthink all my life choices.
I don’t know if I’m built for casual like Will is.
I’d much rather talk about Josie’s night than mine right now, so I rush to steer the conversation there as I sit up a bit and face her. “Hey, how’d the surprise engagement thing go?”
Josie brightens instantly. “Oh my god, it was actually perfect. Carrie’s sister had no idea. Like, zero clue.”
“That’s impressive.”
“Her sister cried,” Josie continues. “Carrie cried, too. It was really sweet, and the ring was absolutely stunning. Aaand they liked me. Or so Carrie tells me, but that’s the vibe I got too.”
“That’s amazing!” Meeting someone’s family is a huge deal, but throwing in being queer and a surprise engagement? That’s a hell of a lot of pressure in one dinner. I’m really glad it went so well.
“Her mom hugged me for a full minute. It was really sweet, and her sister was so welcoming. Even her fiancé. It couldn’t have gone better.”
I smile. “That’s huge. I’m so happy things are going so well for you both and it worked out.”
“It really was perfect. I’m so glad I went.
Thank you, P, for being so cool about it.
You really are the best friend in the world.
” She leans in to hug me, and I squeeze her a little tighter than is probably necessary.
When we pull apart, she gives me a concerned look.
“So, how was your night? You guys have fun at the lake house?”
Fuck. How do I answer that?
Josie knows me too well to even think about hiding something from her, not that I really want to.
I couldn’t talk to Will about how I was feeling this morning, but maybe I should tell her.
I’ll probably need her support to get over him anyway.
And I trust that she won’t tell anyone else if I ask her not to, so I don’t feel like I’m betraying Will by outing him to her.
I take a deep breath and roll my eyes, going for lighthearted even though I’m sure she’ll see right through it. “It was probably the best night of my life, and now you’ll have to help me deal with the emotional fallout.”
She sits up straighter. “Wait, what? Tell me everything!”
So I do. I tell her about the walk around the lake, and confessing our fears, the pact we made to not let each other settle in life and how that led to the first cold-plunge dare. I even admit to forgetting about leaving my dildo out, and how Will dared me to let him watch me use it.
“You didn’t!” she squeals.
I shake my head. “Oh, but I did.”
“Holy shit! Good for you. That’s so hot. So did he confess his feelings?”
I laugh. “No. But after dinner he did dare me to ‘show him what he’s been missing by never being with a man before,’ and we exchanged blowjobs.”
“Wow. You know I’ve been rooting for him to have a sexual awakening!
I’m so excited it finally happened!” I shrug, twisting my mouth to the side when I can’t figure out anything else to add.
Josie’s brows pull together. “Why don’t you seem thrilled?
Did he say he regretted it? I swear if that man doesn’t see how lucky he is to have you as his first queer sexual experience, I will drive over to his house right now and throw another drink in his face.
Those seem to inspire some sense in him. ”
Despite myself, I snort a laugh at the idea. “No, nothing like that.”
“So, what did he say?” she pushes.
“Um…” I trail off, trying to remember exactly what he said last night. I know he claimed he enjoyed it, but now that lust isn’t clouding my decision-making abilities, I can’t stop thinking about the things Robbie used to say when we were alone and how different they were to what he said in the end.
“You did talk, right? You were in the car together for hours!”
I look away, sinking back down a little in the bed as I mutter, “I might have pretended to sleep.”
She smacks my shoulder. “Porter, what! Nooo. Why’d you do that?”
I shrug, and it’s like everything I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about since last night forces its way to the surface, and I can no longer hold it in as I blurt out, “I just couldn’t face it—couldn’t face his rejection today.
It was my fucked-up form of attempted self-preservation.
Is it so wrong to want to pretend like what happened between us was real for one more day?
That someone as kind, funny, and smart as Will Carter could actually want to be with me for more than an experimental fuck? ”
Josie’s eyes are wide as she searches my face. “Of course not! You deserve all those things and more. But why are you so sure he doesn’t want that too?”
Because I know deep down that’s all I can ever be to him.
A good friend? Sure.
But more? A partner? A boyfriend?
“Will doesn’t want those things,” I explain. “He has no interest in a relationship with anyone. He doesn’t even do repeats with hookups because he doesn’t want to give anyone the wrong impression.”
I know all these things about him. Hell, I even respect that he attempts to set those boundaries so clearly now, but logically knowing I can’t have more with him doesn’t stop my heart from wanting it.
And I fucking hate myself for getting into this position again.
Robbie cutting me out like he did when I thought he cared about me broke me, but things are different now. I’m different now.
Except, apparently I didn’t learn from it like I thought. Why was I so confident yesterday that I could handle hooking up with him casually? I clearly can’t be trusted around someone so gorgeous and kind.
Josie shakes her head. “I don’t know, P. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, maybe he cares more than you think. It’s worth talking about at least. Don’t you owe your friendship that?”
I sigh. I’ve really enjoyed my time as Will’s friend, but I was fine before we started hanging out, and I’ll be fine when we stop spending all our free time together too.
I know that’s where things are headed. Will is either going to pretend like nothing happened while he continues hooking up with girls at every given opportunity, or—and I think this possibility would actually be worse for me emotionally—he embraces his attraction to men, and he continues hooking up with anyone he wants at every given opportunity.
Either way, he’s going to move on from me, and I need to accept it.
“We’ll see what happens, but I’m not holding my breath,” I finally answer noncommittally.
I’m not exactly eager to be another one of Will Carter’s previous conquests begging for more. And I really don’t want to force a conversation where Will has to let me down gently.
Josie gives me a sad smile and nods, dropping it for now. I’m sure this won’t be the last conversation we have about him, but I’m grateful that this time around I have her in my corner while I try to move on from being another straight friend’s first time.