30. Will
WILL
I’ve been staring at my phone for the past fifteen minutes, willing Porter to text me back, but I’m worried I won’t get a response at all. We’ve been back for five days, and as much as I’ve wanted to believe he’s just been busy, I think it’s more than that.
Monday, when I caught up to him between classes like I normally do, I tried to sound casual about asking him to get lunch even though my stomach was full of knots.
“Can’t,” he responded quickly, already walking away from me. “I need to get to class early to talk about an assignment.”
It seemed weird since he’d never had to do that before, but he was smiling and didn’t seem upset so I just nodded because I had no idea what else to do.
Yesterday, I went to the coffee shop when I knew he’d be working, and he took over the register when I got there.
I thought I’d have a few minutes to talk to him, but of course, some asshole had to come stand behind me.
Not their fault, of course, but it meant Porter had the excuse to dismiss my attempt to chat, saying, “Sorry, but I’ve got to help the next customer. ”
It fucking sucks, especially because I’m not sure what happened between us, but it feels like he’s avoiding me.
I’ve been texting him all week, but instead of his usually sassy responses, they’ve been short, and he’s taken longer to reply.
I’m terrified hooking up with him ruined our friendship.
I’m going back and forth with myself, unsure if talking before we’d hooked up would’ve made a difference.
Especially because I don’t know exactly what I would’ve asked for.
I still don’t really have an answer to Cam’s question the other day, the idea of dating anyone is so foreign to me, plus jumping from friends to boyfriend immediately seems crazy, and again, I don’t even know if he likes me.
All signs this week point to no. Either that, or I really failed at giving my first blowjob.
Today, instead of stalking him on campus—even though I don’t think it’s stalking when he knows I know his class schedule—I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up. The texting brush-offs are a smidge easier to bear than the in-person ones.
Will
Have time for a coffee with me? I wanna see you
I stare at the time stamp of when it was delivered.
It’s been nearly two hours and still no reply.
Before spring break, even when he was working or in class, he’d usually text me back within an hour.
I can’t believe I’ve so quickly turned into the guy who’s counting minutes between responses, but it’s killing me.
I don’t know what else I could possibly do without feeling like I’m harassing him, so I guess it’s finally time to call my mom and get her advice.
My parents have always been loudly supportive of everything I’ve done, so I’m not worried about telling them my sexuality has evolved—they’ll honestly probably be thrilled for me—but discussing your sex life with your parents isn’t fun for any twenty-one-year-old, so I’ve been putting it off.
“Will! Hi, Pumpkin!” her voice fills my ears, and it immediately calms some of my anxious energy.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Oh no, is something wrong? I can hear it in your voice.”
“Yeah,” I admit, and I don’t even know where to start. “I think I messed up with someone I care about.”
There’s a pause. She’s giving me space to fill the silence, but I don’t know where to start so eventually she prompts me for more. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Well, for starters, you should know I’m bi.”
She gasps before quickly responding. “Thank you for telling me, Will. Is that a new discovery for you, and how are you feeling about it?”
“Good, I guess. It’s not that I cared about being straight before I realized. It’s more so that I don’t know what to do now that the person I like—who happens to be a gay man—is pulling away from me.”
“Mm-hmm,” she hums, encouraging me.
“I went to a lake house with him Saturday, and we hooked up. It was great, but Sunday morning he was really quiet, and he’s been distant ever since. I’m not sure what I did, or how to get him to talk to me,” I admit.
“Did you discuss expectations beforehand?”
Shame hits me because this was the first time in years that I didn’t. “No. I know we should’ve, but I was too wrapped up in the moment. I don’t even know what I would’ve said. We’ve become really good friends and things have always been different with us. I just… what if I hurt him somehow?”
“Have you asked him?”
“I tried, but I think he’s avoiding me. He didn’t give me any indication that I did that night though. It just feels like there’s something he isn’t telling me. It’s a gut feeling, and I hate that he’s pushing me away instead of talking to me about it.”
“Sometimes other people’s reactions have nothing to do with us, Will. Sometimes it’s got everything to do with what the other person is already carrying.”
I nod even though she obviously can’t see me. That advice makes sense to me. Finally. I should’ve called her the other day instead of talking to my roommates.
“I think you should keep trying to talk to him, but you said you don’t even know what your expectations are, so you might want to figure that out first. If you’re serious about him, he should know that’s what you want. Are you?”
Fuck, I don’t know how to answer that either. I’ve never imagined what comes after the hooking up part because I’ve never wanted it before. Do I want it now?
That’s the question I keep circling back to, the one that’s made everything so much more confusing.
“I’m not sure,” I answer honestly. “I care about Porter a lot. He’s someone I want to be around all the time. It sucks he won’t text me back, and all I’ve wanted to do these last few days is fix whatever’s wrong between us.”
“Well, regardless of if you want to officially date him, it sounds like you really care about him. Why don’t you do something nice for him? What does Porter care about? Is there something you can do or plan for the two of you?”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it. Thanks, Mom.”
“Thanks for coming to me with this. I love you so much. What do you want me to do about your dad? Do you want to tell him another time?”
“Nah, you can tell him.” My parents hate keeping things from each other, and I’m sure my dad would have a similar reaction to her.
“Oh good. I’ll tell him when he gets home from work! Let us know if you need anything. We’re so proud of you!”
“Thanks, Mom.” I hang up the phone and let out a sigh. What can I do to remind Porter how much fun we have together? To get him to explain what I did wrong so I can fix it?
He seems to be against meeting up with me around campus, which is probably for the best when I’m hoping we can have a potentially sensitive conversation we might not want other people overhearing.
Maybe I could take him somewhere off campus?
But I’d need to get him to talk to me long enough to invite him without giving me another excuse about how busy he is.
I could show up to his house. Maybe he needs more of a gesture, something he can’t ignore like flowers or chocolate.
My phone vibrates in my hand, and my heart stutters, hoping it’s Porter.
But it’s just my group text with my parents.
Dad
Mom told me the news, so proud of you for embracing your true self! I love you
Mom
I couldn’t wait! I had to tell him, I was too excited
I laugh because this is so classic.
Will
Thanks guys, love you too
Now, to go buy some flowers.