Chapter 35
35
JARED
A nother month passed, and every day, I waited for Amelia’s resignation to land on my desk.
I kept expecting it, bracing myself for it, but it never came.
Summer had faded into fall, but the weather was still holding up nicely.
We were still enjoying mild mornings and warm afternoons.
They were the kind of days that made you want to linger outside a little longer.
Typically, I would be getting in more runs or going out on my paddleboard.
But I wasn’t lingering anywhere.
I was stuck in my head, replaying conversations that never happened and words I never said.
Every night, I lied in bed thinking about all the things I should say to Amelia.
What I should do for Amelia.
And every morning, I woke up and did none of it.
I had only caught a few glimpses of her.
She was doing her best to avoid me as well.
I was worried about trying to force a conversation and then she’d get pissed and for sure leave.
At least without us talking or arguing or me sticking my giant foot in my mouth, she wasn’t trying to run away from me.
I was able to be around without actually being around.
I finished my coffee and headed out the door.
Today I had to focus.
I had a consultation with a husband and wife about his upcoming surgery.
The husband, Mark, had a benign brain tumor, but something about his case didn’t sit right with me.
His symptoms, which included memory lapses, confusion, and mood swings, didn’t align with the tumor’s location.
I’d been over the scans a dozen times.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that surgery wasn’t the answer.
I didn’t want to unnecessarily poke around in his brain if it wasn’t going to improve his quality of life or extend it.
I needed a second opinion.
I couldn’t risk being wrong.
People would start talking shit if I did an unnecessary operation.
It wasn’t the fear of failure.
Surgeons failed all the time.
The worse accusation would be cutting into a brain knowing damn well there was no point in doing so.
I walked into the consultation room.
Mark and his wife, Linda, were already seated, their hands tightly clasped on the table in front of them.
Linda’s eyes were wide with apprehension, while Mark looked distant, almost detached.
It wasn’t the first time I’d seen that look—a kind of foggy resignation that came with the territory of memory issues and confusion.
“Good morning,” I said, sitting across from them.
I’d gone over my notes a hundred times.
I needed to actually see and talk to the patient before I made any decisions.
“Thank you for coming in today.”
Linda nodded quickly.
“Dr. Welch, we’re just… we’re really hoping you can help Mark. He hasn’t been himself lately. The memory lapses, the mood swings—it’s like he’s slipping away.”
Mark blinked slowly, his gaze unfocused.
“I don’t know what she’s talking about,” he muttered, his voice flat.
“I feel fine.”
Linda shot him a glance that was equal parts frustration and heartbreak.
“You don’t remember last night? You called me by your sister’s name and couldn’t find the bathroom.”
Mark frowned, his brow furrowing as he tried to recall the incident.
The silence stretched uncomfortably before he shook his head slightly and looked at me.
“I don’t remember that. I have a tumor, right?”
“You do.” I nodded.
“However, your symptoms aren’t matching what I would expect to see with the tumor placement. I’d like to get a second opinion.”
“Why?” Linda asked.
“We came all the way here from Boise because you’re supposed to be the best. And you need a second opinion?”
“I’ll get five opinions if I have to,” I replied.
“I am the best but that doesn’t mean I don’t rely on others. I’m telling you what I know and what I’m seeing here isn’t all adding up.”
“You think we’re lying?” she asked.
“Not at all. I think you’re being honest, and you should always be honest with your doctor. But I’m going to consult with someone before we schedule anything. If you can stay on the campus another day or two, we’ll get something figured out. You won’t leave here without answers.”
After making sure they had accommodations for the night, I made my way to Shawn’s office.
“Got a minute?” I asked.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“I just met with a patient and his wife. I’m not convinced surgery’s the right call.”
Shawn raised an eyebrow.
“Why not?”
“His symptoms don’t match the tumor’s location. It’s in the frontal lobe, but he’s presenting with memory issues and confusion. That’s more temporal lobe stuff. I think we’re missing something.”
Shawn frowned, tapping his pen against the desk.
“You think it’s dementia?”
“Maybe. But I’m not sure. I need someone else to look at this. I was hoping you could either verify my findings or tell me I’m wrong.”
“You know who could tell us for sure,” he said.
“Someone who knows a lot more about dementia than both of us combined.”
I did know.
Amelia . This was her specialty.
She had an uncanny ability to see things the rest of us missed.
But it had been weeks since we’d spoken.
Weeks since I’d even seen her outside of passing in the hallway, where she’d offer a polite nod and keep walking.
I sank into the chair across from Shawn’s desk.
“Are you suggesting Amelia because you’re trying to play some twisted matchmaking game?”
“No, it’s because you asked for my opinion and I’m telling you who can offer you good advice. But since you mentioned it, yeah, it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk to her.”
“Things are not that simple,” I said with a sigh.
“Why not? What the hell happened between the two of you?”
I took a deep breath.
This wasn’t something I’d planned to talk about, but it had been eating at me for weeks.
Shawn had plenty of suspicions.
I may as well come clean.
“Amelia and I had a thing before she went on leave.”
Shawn’s eyebrows shot up.
“A thing? Like an actual thing or just a quickie in the office?”
“It wasn’t just a fling. Or a quickie. It was different. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.”
Shawn whistled softly.
“Wow. Okay. I didn’t see that coming.”
“Neither did I,” I admitted.
“So then the baby?”
“Mine.”
He nodded.
“Congratulations?”
I shook my head.
“Thanks, but I sure don’t feel like celebrating.”
“Hmm, maybe don’t write that in the kid’s first birthday card.”
“It’s just all so confusing,” I said, scrubbing a hand over my face.
“I don’t know how to feel.”
“How are things with you and Amelia?” he asked.
“She’s avoiding me. I’m avoiding her. I don’t know what to do. I’ve spent my entire life putting my career first. My achievements, my goals—they’ve always been what mattered most. I never planned for this. I never planned for her. She accused me of missing out on the good stuff because I’m so focused on my career. But helping people is my whole life. It’s important work.”
Shawn studied me for a moment, then shrugged.
“Why does letting yourself fall in love and be happy have to mean you can’t help people?”
I stared at him.
“What?”
“You heard me,” he said.
“You’re acting like trying a relationship with Amelia is some kind of professional death sentence. Why? Because it doesn’t fit into the neat little box you’ve built for yourself? I thought you liked a challenge.”
“You don’t understand,” I said.
“Amelia is… I don’t know. She’s just?—”
Shawn leaned forward, cutting me off.
“She’s just what? Brilliant? Kind? The kind of person who makes you question your entire life because she’s that good? Listen, Jared, you’ve spent your whole life chasing perfection in your career. But maybe it’s time to admit that perfection doesn’t exist in a lab or an operating room. Maybe it exists in the messy, unpredictable parts of life. Like love. Like Amelia.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but the words didn’t come.
He was right, and I hated it.
Amelia was all those things and more.
She was the kind of person who made me feel things I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling.
And that terrified me.
“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter anyway.” I sighed.
“I pushed her away one too many times. And I didn’t exactly handle the news of the baby very well. If I’d had some warning, I could have prepared myself. If she and I were together, maybe I could have figured something out. But shit, it just took me by surprise. I can’t take care of a kid. Hell, I can barely take care of myself.”
“Life doesn’t work like that, Jared. Sometimes the best things happen when you least expect them. You can’t plan for anything. Life is fucked up. Ask our patients. Do you think any of them planned for TBIs or dementia or brain tumors? Shit happens. How you react is what matters. Right now, you’re failing pretty hard.”
I shook my head.
“It’s not that simple. I’ve spent my whole life proving myself—to my parents, to my colleagues, to everyone. I can’t just let that go. I’m Jared Welch, neurosurgeon extraordinaire. I’m not daddy. Hubby. Boyfriend. I only know how to be a doctor.”
“Who says you have to let it go?” Shawn asked.
“You can still be a great doctor and have a life outside of work. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.”
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees.
“But what if I’m not good at it? What if I mess it up? I’ve never even thought about having kids. I don’t know the first thing about being a father. I see my nieces once a month if that, but no sane person would ever leave me in charge of them. And they can walk and talk. They can feed themselves or call for help. A baby? Man, come on. I don’t know a damn thing about babies and what they need.”
Shawn chuckled.
“Nobody does, man. You figure it out as you go. But you’ll never know if you don’t try. Plus, you can afford nannies and whatever help you need.”
I sighed, leaning back in the chair.
“It’s not just that. Amelia’s been avoiding me for a reason. I didn’t handle things well when she came back from leave. I was distant. Cold. I didn’t know how to process everything that was happening. She up and left me without saying a word. I didn’t even know her mom was in Miami.”
Shawn raised an eyebrow.
“Did you at least apologize to her? For how you acted?”
I hesitated.
“No. I didn’t.”
He shook his head.
“Jared, you’ve got to fix this. Regardless of whether you two end up together, you owe it to her to make things right. And you owe it to yourself. You don’t want the mother of your child to hate you. I’m guessing that can’t be good for the baby.”
I knew he was right.
But the thought of facing Amelia, of laying everything out on the table, made my chest squeeze in a way that was physically painful.
I wasn’t used to being vulnerable.
I wasn’t used to admitting I was wrong.
Shawn picked up the file and held it out to me.
“Here’s your chance. Take this to her. Ask for her opinion. And while you’re at it, tell her you’re sorry. See what happens.”
I took the file, my fingers tightening around the edges.
“What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?”
“Then you respect that,” Shawn said.
“But at least you’ll know you tried.”
“I don’t think I can tell her I’m going to be a good husband or boyfriend or father.”
Shawn leaned back in his chair, arms crossed and gave me that look—the one that always made me feel like he could see right through me.
“You don’t have to promise her any of that, Jared. You don’t have to have all the answers. Hell, you don’t even have to know what the hell you’re doing. That’s not what this is about.”
I frowned, gripping the file tighter in my hands.
“Then what is it about?”
“It’s about being honest,” he said simply.
“About admitting you screwed up. About showing her you’re willing to try, even if you don’t know how it’s going to turn out. You don’t have to walk in there and tell her you’re going to be the perfect father or boyfriend or whatever. You just have to tell her you care. That you want to be there for her and the baby. That’s it.”
I let out a bitter laugh.
“That’s it? Shawn, I don’t even know if I can do that. I don’t even know if I want that.”
“Bullshit,” he shot back.
“You wouldn’t be sitting here, agonizing over this if you didn’t care. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now, Jared. You just have to want her. And the rest? You figure it out together.”
I stared at him, his words bouncing around in my head.
It felt like he was telling me to solve world hunger.
It was so foreign to me.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Just take her the file. Go from there. Doctor’s orders.”
“Thanks.”