Chapter 3 #2
‘Seeing you with Joy…’ Tilly swigged from the bottle and focused on the lap of the water against the stones.
‘It makes me realise what I’ve missed out on.
Even though I didn’t know her, my grandma dying has made me think about family, or rather the lack of one.
And now I’ve lost the chance of ever getting to know her.
My mum and that Italian side of my family are estranged, while my dad has always been too busy to care and now has a new wife to take up his time.
Being here with you and Joy has highlighted all of that, yet it’s been wonderful.
I’m glad you have someone like Joy in your life. ’
‘You haven’t wanted to talk much about your grandma.’
‘What’s there to say when I didn’t know her?’ Tilly sighed and picked up a stone and played with it. ‘Mum has always tried to buy my love with presents when all I ever wanted was her time, so being left money in my grandma’s will isn’t so surprising, it’s just she didn’t know me at all.’
‘Perhaps it was her way of making up for that.’ Logan’s deep voice was comforting. ‘What are you going to do with it?’
‘Invest it in a property. Put my interior design skills to good use.’ She flicked the stone back onto the beach and watched a couple of birds dip down and fly close to the water, which was glimmering in the golden light.
‘It’s strange to be grateful to someone, while not grieving them because I didn’t know them. Yet I’m sad.’
‘She was your family, it’s an expected reaction.’
Tilly rested her feet on one of the dried roots where a tuft of sheep’s wool was snagged.
She wrapped her arms around her knees and listened to the lap of the water against the rocky shore.
Bubbles foamed white onto the dark stones.
‘I’m grieving the lost opportunity. I barely know my grandparents on my dad’s side either, but that’s because my parents are the least family-orientated people ever.
While Joy…’ She glanced at Logan. ‘Are you going to be okay leaving her tomorrow?’
Logan swigged his beer. ‘It gets harder each time.’
‘She’s one tough cookie; she’ll be okay.’
‘I’m just sad that she’s had to be tough because of what life’s thrown at her.’
Tilly huffed in agreement. Life had been far from fair for Joy, yet she had faced everything with strength and positivity.
‘So, what are you going to do after the lease on the house in Edinburgh runs out?’
‘Not sure.’
‘You can always join me travelling.’ She nudged her shoulder against his. ‘Joy was right about that.’
Did she want him to join her? She hadn’t asked because she’d been dead set on getting away.
Solo travelling would be a chance to clear her head and figure out what her next move would be.
The next few months would be the longest amount of time she’d ever gone without seeing Logan since they were thirteen when they’d met on his first day at boarding school in north Yorkshire. He was her one constant.
‘The offer’s always there.’
‘Yeah, I know, but I’ve kinda had it with bouncing from one place to another, even if the travelling you’re doing is different.
I want a base. Living with you and the guys these last three years has been ace.
I might stick around in Edinburgh. Try to figure out what I want to do, the same as you’ll be doing in Thailand—’
‘Except it’ll be much warmer.’ Tilly nudged him again. ‘All those beaches and Thai food.’
‘Yep, you’ll definitely have it better in so many ways.’ Logan grunted. ‘I could come and live here – Aunt Joy’s mentioned it countless times. She did again tonight. I only have to say and she’ll welcome me with open arms.’
Tilly nodded, but didn’t say anything. She hoped Logan would come back to where he’d have company and family, but she didn’t want to voice it, not when she was escaping.
She didn’t want to sway Logan one way or another.
Their lives were transitioning again. University had given them freedom and even more independence than they’d had at boarding school; it had been a stepping stone to taking control and not looking back on a childhood that, for Tilly at least, had left her feeling adrift and unsettled with no stability or sense of belonging.
They cracked open the next two bottles of beer and drank them while chatting about their friends and university, the upcoming party and Tilly’s travel plans. They talked until the sunset colours were replaced by the silver moon, and stars dusted the midnight-blue sky.
The cooler touch of a night-time breeze hinted at the end of summer. The loch stretched away from them, dark and glistening, to where, in daylight, Mull’s majestic cliffs could be seen plunging to the sea. Its vastness felt much like Tilly’s own life opening up, filled with possibility and hope.
Tomorrow they’d be leaving. It was the end of a summer that had been magical, memorable and hopeful, and in a few days’ time, she and Logan would be going their separate ways for the first time since they’d met.
Even new friends and romantic partners hadn’t impacted their close friendship; she hoped a chunk of time apart wouldn’t either.
‘I wonder where I’ll be in ten or twenty years?
’ Logan’s voice cut through the rippling of the water.
‘You know what you want to do, it’s how you go about it you need to figure out.
Apart from being dead set on something creative, I’m worried I’m going to drift and waste my time working things out. ’
‘Isn’t working things out the best part of life?’
‘Perhaps, but I feel unsettled and worried. I don’t know why.
’ He drained the last of his beer and placed the bottle on the stones.
‘We’re young and used to fending for ourselves and figuring shit out, yet I have this worry hanging over me and this unreasonable fear of ending up alone.
I don’t mean in the way Aunt Joy is, but the way I felt when I was a kid travelling around all the time even before Mum died. ’
‘Oh Logan.’ Tilly tucked her arm in his and pulled him close.
‘Don’t let the past throw you off balance.
You won’t end up alone because you have Joy.
And you’re not getting rid of me either, even when I’m not living with you or in the same city.
We’re friends, always. And as for not being alone alone, I promise you’ll find some gorgeous girl who’ll make you very happy.
You’ll settle down, get married, have kids.
You’ll have everything you missed out on growing up.
’ She shifted towards him, her heart racing.
‘And because I’m so sure of this, if you haven’t found the one by the time you’re say thirty-five, then you can always marry me! ’
Logan’s arm tightened in hers. He leaned away a touch, the whites of his eyes bright in the moonlight, his puzzlement obvious.
Her heart did a weird little flip at the intensity of his look. She covered it with laughter, a mix of nervousness and her own uncertainty.
‘So neither of us has to be alone,’ she stressed, feeling the need to explain because of the way he seemed to be gulping down air.
Ending up alone was what she feared the most because she’d never experienced a loving, stable family, while a childhood spent constantly moving had put an end to countless friendships.
The only person she’d ever felt close to was Logan.
When it came to boyfriends, becoming a serious item would invite disappointment and rejection; she’d turned Cal down for those reasons, plus she was far too young.
She’d likely feel differently in her mid-thirties.
Saying goodbye to the people in her life who meant the most had always been her biggest fear.
‘You’re nuts, you know that.’ Logan’s frown lines lessened. His hand slid further around her waist, his warmth enveloping her. ‘We won’t ever be alone, because we’ve got each other.’
‘Good then.’ With a real smile this time, she clasped Logan’s hand and made him shake on it. ‘A deal’s a deal!’
Even if she was only joking about the marriage thing, she hoped he realised how important he was. He was her best friend and meant the world to her, and although it would only be for a few months, she was going to miss him like crazy.