Chapter 10
Rosie is no replacement for you, Tilly, but I am thankful that Logan has someone he can talk to besides me, someone closer to his age.
She’s a lovely lass and Logan has a soft spot for her.
They are a lot more suited than Logan and Màiri are, but of course that hope is futile as Rosie’s desires lie elsewhere entirely.
Extract from Joy’s journal
By the time Logan arrived with Barney ten minutes later, Tilly had drained her gin and tonic and found a table in a cosy corner. The wood burner pumped out heat, flickering a gold-red glow over the dimly lit corner of the pub.
Her heart fluttered as Logan crossed the bar towards her.
It was a reaction that puzzled her, but she put it down to the confusing and conflicting information she’d gleaned today thanks to Rosie and Joy.
He was achingly familiar and there was comfort in that.
But he was also tall and broad-shouldered with a windswept handsomeness.
He had a scar on his knee from when he’d fallen off his bike onto a sharp rock when he was a child.
When he’d decided to grow a beard in his early twenties, a patch on his jawline had grown in grey, so he’d shaved it all off.
She liked his salt-and-pepper stubbled look.
His favourite smell was woodsmoke and he felt most at peace by the sea.
He’d always wanted to learn a second language and had started Italian, Spanish and French, but had given up each time after less than a month, and yet he’d taught himself how to play the guitar and he could turn his hand to anything practical.
He was patient, kind and thoughtful, but he could be a right old grump when he was hungry.
Or tired. He got annoyed by almost everyone when he was driving, which was why he’d got rid of his car, and yet he would happily help anyone out even if it inconvenienced him.
She thought she knew everything about him, and yet she’d never had an inkling that he might like her as more than just a friend.
He was someone she trusted completely and could rely on no matter what.
Yet right now she was a muddled mess of confusion.
He slid onto the chair opposite and ran a hand through his curls.
Tilly found her voice. ‘You managed to escape Ivor then?’
Logan tied Barney’s lead around the table leg. His jaw flexed as he sighed. ‘I feel sorry for him grieving someone he was in love with but never had the chance to love the way he wanted to.’
Tilly immediately regretted her assumption that he’d been eager to get away from Ivor. She was doing a fine job of putting her foot in it with everyone today. There were so many emotions tied up here for Logan, coupled with his own loss and grief. She needed to be kind and tread carefully.
She automatically placed her hand on his arm, like she’d done a million times before, but it felt different. Meaningful. ‘I’m so sorry, Logan. I wish I’d been there with you.’
‘Ah, it’s okay. It was good to talk to him properly—’
Rosie coming over and squeezing Logan’s shoulder stopped him short. He pulled his arm from beneath Tilly’s hand.
‘Cheers, Rosie,’ he said as she placed a pint in front of him.
‘It’s on the house. Can I get you another G Logan hadn’t been keen on talking about her when they’d split up over ten years ago, but it was hard to skirt around the topic now.
‘Yeah, she does, but it’s her company he wants, not her help.’ He chuffed a laugh. ‘Anyway, I can’t really picture Màiri climbing a ladder to fix guttering.’
Tilly had only met her a couple of times, and she’d always dressed well and been into hair and make-up and didn’t like getting her hands dirty, despite having been raised on a farm.
‘She’s coming over for Aunt Joy’s celebration,’ Logan added.
‘So best get in her good books, eh?’
‘Something like that.’
They slid back into the comfortable banter they’d always had, draining their pints and chatting effortlessly about renovating houses and what needed to be done ahead of the get-together at the house on Sunday.
‘It’s good to see you two back here together, no doubt propping up the bar later,’ Rosie said as she swung by their table. ‘You eating? Cos I can take your order now if you like?’
Tilly patted her stomach. ‘I’d better eat something, else I’ll be sloshed if I keep drinking on an empty stomach.’
‘Oh my God, Tilly, you’re becoming a lightweight in your old age!’ Logan laughed.
‘Hey, hey, hey, cheeky!’ Rosie playfully slapped his arm. ‘I’m two years older than you both, so watch it with the old age comments.’
‘I certainly don’t drink like I used to.’ Tilly raised an eyebrow at Logan. Their antics as students had been notoriously drunken, but that was a long time ago.
‘Me neither. But we can enjoy ourselves this evening. Food is a good idea. I’m pretty certain I know what Tilly wants.’ He glanced at her. ‘The mussels, right?’
‘You know me so well.’ She grinned.
‘Two of them please, Rosie.’
Tilly noticed the look of amused satisfaction that Rosie shot her way before she set off across the pub with their order.
Tilly leaned in, nodding towards the bar, where the chef had appeared, a woman who was tall with a toned build and short dark hair. ‘That woman there, she’s Rosie’s partner, right?’
Logan glanced that way and nodded. ‘Yeah, Gill, they run the pub together. Revamped it and brought custom back to the place. Kicked it into shape.’
‘Uh-huh. It’s nice that they’re life partners as well.’ She gave him a meaningful look.
Logan swigged his beer and didn’t meet her eyes. ‘They’ve been together about ten years now, I think.’
‘You always catch up with Rosie when you’re back?’
His cheeks flushed. ‘Yeah, we’ve always been good mates.’
He looked at her then, his eyes steady. It was the confirmation she needed to understand that was all they’d ever been. Had Logan making Tilly think that something had been going on with Rosie been his way of deflecting his true feelings?
Heat rose in Tilly’s chest. ‘I’m glad Rosie’s happy and loved up. I’ve always liked her, just didn’t get to know her well. It makes me feel for Ivor though. He had happiness with his wife, but it’s sad he didn’t get a second chance with your aunt.’
‘He loved her in his own way, and I think he accepted that they’d never be more than friends. He didn’t let his feelings ruin their friendship, or at least he kept them well-hidden.’ Logan leaned back in his chair and took a few gulps of beer.
‘It’s difficult when feelings aren’t reciprocated.’ Tilly couldn’t help but think what they were discussing might apply to her and Logan – unless, of course, she was reading far too much into it.
‘Perhaps he needed the companionship and wanted someone to share his home with,’ Logan continued, ‘whereas Aunt Joy never wanted anyone to replace Robert. She wasn’t willing to share with anyone else, at least romantically. She had plenty of friends – Ivor included.’
They talked more about Joy and Ivor, and a little while later Rosie brought over their Inverlussa mussels in a moreish broth of leeks, onions and herbs, with fresh bread spread thickly with salty butter.
She placed new pints on the table and slipped Barney a dog treat too.
Any lingering tension ebbed away as Tilly started to eat, the tasty food a nod to the past.
Mull was filled with happy memories, while Edinburgh reminded Tilly of their youth, although it wasn’t the same without their housemates and university friends, even if Logan had carved out a new life and friendship group there.
Tilly’s base was Newcastle in the house she’d shared with Stefan, but she lived a nomadic lifestyle bouncing between renovation projects and staying in her campervan.
Her thoughts were tugged back to Stefan, who was still living in her house while he looked for a place of his own to buy.
She’d given him a deadline of the end of the month to move out; three more weeks and they’d go their separate ways.
The only reason they’d moved in together in the first place was that he’d been renting post-divorce and it had made sense when they’d spent so much time together.
She should have listened to her niggling doubts because then she wouldn’t have got hurt.
She’d lived her life trying to protect herself from rejection and the loss of a relationship by walking away before things got serious.
The one time she’d not followed her own advice, she’d ended up hurt.
Not that she wanted to dwell on this now, when being back on Mull was comforting.
They drained another pint each and demolished the warming and hearty mussels.
As the evening progressed, the pub filled up and there was a relaxed, buzzy atmosphere, with people chatting and laughing together, a real mix of accents and ages.
The pub was more homely than she remembered, something she appreciated now she was older.
Or perhaps it was because it was spring not summer, and the wood burner crackled with flickering flames, the warmth inviting against the chill darkness looming at the windows.
Emboldened by alcohol, Tilly was tipsy enough to talk openly with Logan about something that had been on her mind for the last few weeks as their birthdays drew closer. She was playing with fire, but what Rosie had said and Joy had hinted at in her journal couldn’t be ignored.
She cupped her hands round a fresh, cold pint – her last one, she promised herself. ‘Do you remember the summer we were here, on our last night when I said we should marry each other when we turned thirty-five?’
Logan stilled.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to hold you to it!
’ Her fingers tightened on the pint glass.
‘I said it in jest because I thought we’d be in a different situation than we are.
At least I thought you’d be. Not that there’s anything wrong with being single at our age,’ she added quickly, realising she was digging a bigger hole the more she talked.
‘But I was certain you’d be settled down by now. ’
‘Why don’t we?’ His face was neutral, his lips set in a line, his blue eyes watching her. Waiting for her reaction and her answer.
She drew back, laughing nervously as she studied him. ‘What? Get married? You’re joking, right?’
Logan snorted. ‘Of course I’m joking!’ He gulped down the remainder of his pint. ‘Your face!’
Tilly joined in with the laughter, but her heart was thumping and she wasn’t sure if it was because he’d shocked her by the seriousness of his suggestion or that she was disappointed that he hadn’t meant it.
But marriage and flirting were very different things.
Perhaps Logan fancied her and was willing to play out long-held fantasies, which in theory would be fine if taking their friendship in that direction wouldn’t risk messing up what they had.
The possibility raised all sorts of questions and fears.
She couldn’t bear the thought of damaging their friendship.
And yet… this newfound knowledge had caused a shift.
She had a warm, tingling feeling that reminded her of the start of a relationship before anything physical had happened, the anticipation of discovering a sensual, exciting and seductive side.
Oh God, she’d drunk too much and was letting her mind run away when she was still hurting over Stefan and confused by Cal – not because she fancied him any longer, but because of the decent, loving person he was.
She’d been a fool to not want any part of that when her choices of partners since had left a lot to be desired.
Except her choice of best friend was top-notch.
The best. If only she could replicate that when it came to love and romance.