Chapter 11
Love for me was certainty, togetherness and belonging.
I had no doubt on our wedding day that I loved Robert and we would spend the rest of our lives together.
I never wanted us to be apart and when I lost him far too soon, I never found anyone who could replace him or who I could have loved as much.
He had my heart and was the one person I could depend upon above everyone else.
Extract from Joy’s journal
The light spilling from the pub windows was warm and inviting and Tilly shivered in the chill of the night when they left an hour later.
As they walked onto the road and the trees obscured the pub, it was as if they’d entered a cave.
Clouds covered the moon and the looming fir trees merged with the ebony sky, the only things visible the thousands of pinprick stars.
Logan clipped on Barney’s lead and they set off.
Tilly reached out and grabbed Logan’s arm. ‘I literally can’t see a thing.’ Even hushed, her voice seemed to boom into the quiet night now they’d left the comforting chatter from the pub behind.
‘It takes some getting used to.’ Logan clasped her arm as the light from his phone’s torch cut through the darkness so they could make out the road.
‘It reminds me of the woods at school, remember?’ He laughed.
‘We didn’t want to get caught so didn’t take a torch, but snuck out and couldn’t see a flipping thing. ’
‘I twisted my ankle. That was bloody painful.’
‘It was quite painful trying to carry you back.’
‘You did not carry me; just helped.’ Tilly smiled at the memory, particularly when they were out together in the dark eerie night with their boots scuffing the stones of the lane being the only sound. ‘No one believed we weren’t up to no good… well, besides having a can of White Lightning or two.’
Tilly’s dorm friends all fancied Logan and wished that they were the ones sneaking into the woods with him in the hope of getting to second base with a boy.
None of them believed her when she said nothing ever happened between her and Logan.
They would share a can of cider and talk, often sitting with their arms round each other, sometimes because it was cold, but mostly because it was comfortable.
If he’d ever considered kissing her, he’d stopped himself.
She wracked her brain to remember how he made her feel: safe and wanted, at ease and open.
She remembered the heat and heaviness of his arm around her and that there were times when she hadn’t wanted to return to reality, but to stay sitting with him sharing a drink and her thoughts.
The same way his arm tucked in hers now felt right; comforting and dependable.
But what would it feel like to have him hold her in a different way?
A sensual way. If his hands were free to explore, to dip beneath her top and smooth up her bare skin to her—
Tilly slammed a mental door on that thought and stepped up the pace along the lane. ‘I should have worn a thicker jumper,’ she muttered. She wished she was cold rather than experiencing hot chills over thoughts about her best friend.
‘We’re nearly there,’ Logan said, matching her pace. ‘We’d be able to see the house if the porch light was on.’
‘I didn’t think about it when I left in sunshine.’
She knew she sounded tetchy, but her head was spinning and she was overloaded by unwanted feelings.
She was desperate to get back to the house and put some distance between herself and Logan, to shake off the unsettling negativity and spiralling confusion.
The evening had been enjoyable, yet it was accompanied by a weird meandering between reminiscing while navigating the present.
Her underlying uncertainty over where they stood with each other had been heightened by alcohol and people from their past.
Logan let Barney off the lead when they reached the garden and Tilly slipped her arm from his. The porch light clicked on before they reached the front door.
‘Do you want to have another drink, or er…’ Logan said falteringly as they entered the house. Barney raced ahead of them.
‘Nah, I might go to bed. I’m pretty tired.’ She needed some space, plus she was eager to continue reading Joy’s journal, to see if it would throw up more questions or answer some of them.
‘Sleep sounds like a good idea.’
Logan wrapped his arms around her and Tilly reciprocated, settling into his warmth.
She was acutely aware of his firm chest and the heat of his hands clasping her back.
Resting her head against him, she felt the fluttering of his heart, and his citrusy, woodsmoke scent was deliciously inviting.
All the things she’d learnt today, coupled with too much to drink and an overactive imagination, had stirred up feelings she’d never given thought to before.
Pulling away from their embrace, she met his eyes. They both paused a heartbeat longer than felt normal, as if they wanted to say something, but weren’t sure they should.
‘I’ll see you in the morning,’ she said firmly, breaking their trance.
‘Night, Tilly,’ he called after her as she took the stairs two at a time.
The feelings that had been ignited were surprising and confusing, and downright inconvenient.
She’d thought of this time together on Mull as their chance to reconnect, enabling them to get their friendship back on track when time, distance, partners, work, life admin and general adulting had taken a toll on them both.
She wanted to be comfortable around him, because how she was feeling right now was all kinds of wrong.
After getting ready for bed, she slipped beneath the covers and picked up Joy’s journal.
She wished she’d talked to Joy more. Was that always a regret after someone died?
Thinking about those missed opportunities to ask the important questions.
She was certain Logan felt that way, and not only about Joy.
Rosie had been right about them needing to talk openly and honestly, even if it ended up being uncomfortable.
The alternative of skirting around the edges would do neither of them any good and it wasn’t sustainable, but a conversation about the way they felt would invite all sorts of emotions and decisions she wasn’t ready for.
And yet, there was a part of her that was excited at the thought of exploring an avenue with Logan she’d never considered before.
Now the idea had been seeded it was hard to discard.
Rather than uprooting it, perhaps the possibility of her and Logan as more than friends should be nurtured.