Chapter 12
Mull has always felt like home because it was Robert’s. Now, with Logan living here that feeling of belonging is tenfold. I will treasure this time together, however long it lasts.
Extract from Joy’s journal
Once again, Tilly wasn’t able to stop reading Joy’s journal and stayed awake far longer than she’d intended.
Another change of season had taken place with autumn turning to winter and by December Logan had left Edinburgh and moved in with Joy.
It was fascinating to read about a time that she’d only heard about from his point of view through their back-and-forth messages while she’d been backpacking in Thailand.
While Logan had enjoyed the festive season in Mull with Joy, Tilly had spent that Christmas on a beach in Phuket with a group of twenty-something strangers who’d quickly bonded because they were far from home.
Not that Christmas had ever been family time for Tilly, apart from when she’d been little and her parents were still together.
Christmases in her teens had usually been wherever her dad happened to be living, rarely with her mum, and even then she’d felt like an unwanted houseguest. When she was old enough, she stopped going altogether.
Her dad now worked as a management consultant for a company in Dubai where he lived with his new wife, while her mum was a brand ambassador for Gucci, a role she’d taken on after retiring from a modelling career that had taken her all over the world.
Her parents’ lives were fast-paced and separate from hers and they rarely saw each other, although her dad had recently reached out, the invitation to visit him in Dubai left open now he was settled and content with someone he loved and who loved him back.
Tilly’s happiest Christmas had been the one she’d spent on Mull at sixteen with Logan and Joy. It had been so perfect she hadn’t wanted to repeat it, even though she’d been invited. The realisation of how much she’d missed out on growing up had physically hurt.
The new year had brought further travelling and brief relationships for Tilly, while Logan had settled into island life, working remotely as a graphic designer while he figured out what he wanted to do.
Although romance has blossomed between Logan and Màiri, I do question how well-suited they are.
Màiri has lived and breathed this island, but she’s itching to leave – Ivor has said as much – while Logan has returned for more than just a visit this time.
I hope it’s because he wants to be here while he’s finding his feet, rather than it being for my sake. Either way, I’m grateful.
I do feel sorry for Màiri, shouldering the weight of responsibility with her brother permanently abroad, leaving her father with no one to support him but her. Her desire to spread her wings has always been thwarted by guilt and worry.
So Logan being here is good for me and good for Màiri as well.
They’re two young people who are uncertain about their future and the path they wish to take, and they’ve found comfort in each other.
Who am I to judge? They seem happy enough and they’re both young, so they should have fun, even if I know she isn’t the woman for him.
I believe he knows that too despite her infatuation.
I fear she’s only a distraction when his heart lies elsewhere.
After an unsettled sleep filled with fleeting dreams that faded the moment Tilly woke up, she felt tired, hungover and didn’t want to get out of bed.
She’d already heard Logan, so he was up and about.
She should get up and join him to walk Barney, except something was holding her back…
Oh God, was she trying to avoid him after all she’d learnt yesterday and those wayward thoughts on the way back last night?
She was fresh out of a relationship, heartbroken and craving companionship, nothing more.
That was what she told herself as she delayed getting out of bed by picking up Joy’s journal and continuing from where she’d stopped the night before.
There was lots about Logan’s relationship with Màiri that was news to her. He’d always passed it off as a bit of a fling – much like her summer romance with Cal – but Joy painted their relationship as serious, at least from Màiri’s point of view.
Their relationship is unusual because it isn’t weighted evenly.
Logan is a young man after a bit of fun, while Màiri is the kind of woman who dreams of love and of leaving Mull, not to explore the world, but to settle down away from the island that holds much sadness for her.
I understand how that feels, yet I was compelled to stay, while Màiri, grieving her beloved mother and struggling to cope with the responsibility of being her father’s sole support, is desperate to leave.
She and Logan have connected over a shared loss, and yet I can see how much them being together has stirred up Logan’s buried emotions of losing his own dear mum.
Tilly skimmed over the next few pages, soaking up Joy’s happiness at having Logan living with her. Her heart soon dropped when Logan and Màiri’s relationship was mentioned again.
My hope for Logan to continue living here long term is a pipedream. Màiri longs to escape with him, but from his honest chats with me, they were always going to go their separate ways. Perhaps Màiri has been blinkered by her desire for Logan and a life elsewhere that she didn’t see the signs.
You needed help renovating a house in Newcastle and Logan was all too eager to drop everything to support you, Tilly.
You were his reason for escaping and maybe he didn’t handle how he broke up with Màiri in the best way.
Is there ever a good way to break someone’s heart?
Yet it was his choice to leave and his choice to return to Edinburgh alone.
Tilly slammed the journal shut as a wave of fresh guilt hit her as hard as a stormy sea against a rock.
She clearly remembered Logan helping her with the renovation, but he’d been the one to offer his help, although perhaps the way she’d taken on a property that had left her in over her head had played a part in his decision too.
Logan had only hinted at the troubles in his relationship with Màiri, and Tilly had believed they’d long been over when he’d left Mull to help her out.
Now she realised that she’d been the unwitting instigator of his move and his break-up.
No wonder Ivor had his issues with her. How much he knew, Tilly had no idea, and she wasn’t keen to find out.
When they’d help him with the garden and the exterior of his house, she would try to keep her distance.
Although, as much as she was concerned about Ivor, it was Logan she was thinking about once more.
Logan had escaped Mull and a relationship he wasn’t ready for, much like she had, and yet neither of them had talked openly with each other about Cal or Màiri.
She’d allowed her guilt over the way she’d treated Cal to fester for years, so she could imagine how Logan felt about his break-up when it had been a much longer and more serious relationship.
The phone started ringing in the hallway downstairs. She was about to get out of bed when she heard Logan answer. She bookmarked the journal and placed it on the bedside table. It was time to get up.
‘Tilly!’ Logan yelled up the stairs. ‘Phone!’
Scrambling out of bed, she grabbed a jumper and flung it on over her T-shirt. She poked her head over the banister. ‘For me?’
Only the top of Logan’s head was visible, the phone clasped in his outstretched hand. ‘It’s Cal.’
That was the last thing she’d expected.
By the time she’d clattered down the stairs, the receiver was on the sideboard and Logan had disappeared.
Tilly’s heart was thumping so hard it felt as if it was going to burst out of her chest. She picked up the phone. ‘Hello?’
‘Hi, Tilly. I hope you don’t mind me ringing here, but I didn’t know how else to get hold of you. I don’t do social media and I don’t have your number any longer, but I do have Joy’s. I thought I’d see if anyone answered.’
He was rambling as if he was nervous, which was making Tilly jittery.
She’d made a mistake looking him up, even if it was only to say sorry, but with him now phoning and Logan answering, it felt uncomfortable.
And why hadn’t she said anything to Logan about Cal?
As if she was trying to hide a dirty secret – because she was embarrassed over that summer?
Her behaviour? What Logan thought? And now her own thoughts were spinning away.
‘No, I don’t mind you ringing,’ she said softly, acutely aware of how quiet it was in the house.
Cal cleared his throat. ‘You took me by surprise yesterday. I didn’t know what to think. I was perhaps a wee bit blunt with you.’
Tilly was taken aback. ‘You had every right to be. I shouldn’t have shown up out of the blue like that. I tend to be impulsive and think something’s a good idea and charge ahead instead of thinking it through.’
‘Aye, I remember.’
The way he said it felt oddly intimate, more so over the phone when she couldn’t see his expression and she wasn’t sure what part of their summer romance he was remembering. She’d been unashamedly forward and impulsive when it came to all sorts of things.
She was also wearing skimpy bedtime shorts while sporting a just-got-out-of-bed look. Even though he couldn’t see her, she felt exposed. She glanced along the hallway towards the kitchen, wondering where Logan had gone and whether he was listening.
‘My sister saw me when I got back to the farm and knew something was up.’ He sighed.
‘Not much gets past her, so I told her about you turning up, mainly because I needed to blow off steam. I didn’t want to leave things the way we did, angry and unresolved – either time,’ he stressed, which made Tilly’s guilt all the worse.
‘So she suggested we chat properly. Over a coffee.’
Tilly gulped back a wave of… well, she didn’t quite know what.
At her pause, he quickly cut in. ‘Just as friends. To talk, catch up. That’s all. If you’d like to?’
‘Yes, I would,’ she said, and meant it.
As Tilly had planned to pop to the hardware store in Tobermory, they arranged to meet at lunchtime. They said goodbye.
With no radio on in the kitchen or the sound of Barney clattering across the stone floor, the house was eerily quiet.
She shivered in the dimly lit hallway. Discomfort wrapped round her, but not just from the cold.
It had felt weird talking to Cal, but she felt even more uncomfortable about broaching the subject of seeing him again with Logan.
So maybe she wouldn’t say anything, unless he asked outright.
She’d got up later than she’d meant to again and he was probably out with Barney.
With a heavy heart she returned upstairs to get showered and dressed.
* * *
By the time Tilly had got up, Logan had returned from walking Barney and locked himself away in Joy’s bedroom to start sorting through her belongings. He seemed intent on avoiding her.
Tilly escaped to the garden and continued tidying up. With spring sunshine and rain, the weeds were flourishing, peppering the drive with patches of green. Taking her frustration out on them proved to be cathartic.
Close to lunchtime, after Logan hadn’t appeared all morning, she knocked tentatively on Joy’s bedroom door and opened it.
Logan was sitting cross-legged on the bed with a pile of paper on one side, some of Joy’s clothes on the other, and a couple of screwed-up tissues in his lap. Tilly’s heart lurched at the sadness etched on his face.
‘Hey, you okay?’
‘This is even harder than I thought it would be.’ Logan sighed and dropped the paper he was holding onto the pile next to him. ‘I knew it was going to be difficult, but I underestimated just how emotional it would be to sort through her personal stuff.’
Barney raised his head from the foot of the bed, then settled back to sleep.
Tilly was torn, not wanting to head off when Logan was obviously struggling.
She stepped into the room and noticed the clothes spilling from the chest of drawers.
‘I was going to pop to Tobermory to get the decorating stuff I need and take some of the bags to the charity shop, but I can stay and help if you’d like? ’
‘Nah, I’ll be fine. It’s just strange going through everything; some stuff doesn’t mean a thing, but there are other things like the dress she always wore at Christmas that brings back so many memories.
’ He smiled softly. ‘It’s like music. I can’t hear “Dog Days Are Over” without being taken back to our student flat and us all singing our hearts out in the kitchen. ’
‘Oh my goodness! That song reminds me of that too.’ A wave of nostalgia rushed over her.
‘Take That’s “Rule the World” reminds me of us going to watch Stardust at the cinema one half-term, do you remember?
We got stomach ache from eating so much pick ’n’ mix.
’ At Logan’s sad smile, she continued. ‘And “Firework” reminds me of backpacking in Thailand – a beach party on New Year’s Day with a load of other Brits.
But this is different, Logan.’ She gestured to Joy’s clothes.
‘They might be material things, but it’s the connection to the past that has a hold. ’
Logan traced his fingers across a dark-green woollen jumper flecked with orange. ‘I should just get rid of it all, but it seems heartless to not go through it first, however hard it is.’
‘Maybe you need to take a break. Have a walk.’
Barney’s head shot up at the mention of a walk. Logan smiled and it eased the ache in Tilly’s chest. She should suggest he come to Tobermory with her, but not when she was meeting Cal as well as doing the shopping.
‘Anything you need me to get while I’m out?’ she asked instead.
‘Hot smoked trout from Tobermory Fish Company on your way back.’
‘I love that stuff.’
‘I know you do.’ He met her eyes. His were puffy from crying.
‘Take a break, Logan,’ she said gently. ‘Clear your head. This will still be here when you get back, but you might be able to face it after some fresh air. I’ll see you later.’
As she clattered down the stairs, her heart sank. She hadn’t given him a hug like she normally would have, because of the weirdness that had manifested between them over the last day or two. Somehow they needed to find their way back to their easy-going friendship.