Chapter 13
I dreamed of one day having children and giving them the freedom of the outdoors and the opportunity to roam, unlike my strict upbringing in London.
I don’t remember my father laughing, while Robert always had a smile on his face, and the way he was able to make my belly ache with laughter is one of my fondest memories.
I’ve often wondered about the children we never had, who they would have looked like and if they’d have inherited his joy and creativity.
The future I lost is what makes me sad even decades later.
Extract from Joy’s journal
Apart from a few evenings out with Cal fourteen years ago, Tilly hadn’t spent much time in Tobermory.
In the sunshine, the buildings lining the waterfront gleamed red, pink, blue, cream, yellow and coral.
A couple of kids were playing on the rocky, seaweed-covered beach and the tide was out.
Despite a light, sea-salted breeze, it was surprisingly warm for early April.
She locked her campervan and crossed the car park, a bundle of nerves.
She caught sight of Cal clutching two takeaway coffees and leaning on the wall by Macgochans, a pub they’d frequented together many times.
He was still punctual, while she’d always been more of a free spirit, although she’d got a lot better at timekeeping since starting her own business.
With fluttery nerves and sweaty palms, she reached him and he handed her one of the coffees.
‘The pub’s closed at lunchtime.’ He pushed away from the wall. ‘It’s a nice day so I thought we could sit outside.’
He filled the space more than she remembered, as if he’d grown into himself.
Fourteen years was a long time to go from having known someone intimately to them being a stranger.
She hadn’t considered how the passing of time had changed her perception of him during their tense exchange over the farm gate.
The picture in her head was skewed by the person in front of her now: a man who’d grown and matured, a father and a widower.
In many ways, the physical changes were less striking.
She wondered if he felt the same about her.
Had she lost her youthful spark and boundless energy?
She’d certainly mellowed and had settled into her style.
Whatever his opinion, this was a second opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start over.
To put things right. They were having a lunchtime coffee; two old friends catching up years later.
Friends was pushing it; ex-lovers was a better description, but after all she’d learnt from Rosie about Cal’s loss, that terminology felt frivolous and trivial.
Tilly followed him to a bench on the far side of the car park. It looked out into the bay, across the rippling blue sea to the patchy dark-green and bracken-brown hills of mainland Scotland.
Cal gestured behind them. ‘I didn’t go to Macgochans for quite a while after that summer because it reminded me of you.’
Tilly gulped a mouthful of scalding coffee. She remembered how careless she’d been with his feelings; protecting herself had ended up hurting him no end.
Cal rested his elbows on his knees, clasping his coffee as he gazed out. A well-worn jumper hugged his broad shoulders. His hair was windswept and his cheeks ruddy. He looked strong and comfortable.
‘We had some good evenings there,’ she acknowledged quietly.
‘I was a summer fling for you.’ Cal glanced at her, his eyes narrowing. ‘I wanted more and said as much. You left without even saying goodbye.’
‘Which was wrong and I regret it.’ The intensity of his gaze made her heart thump.
He may have suggested they meet to talk things through, but anger still thrummed below the surface.
She switched the hot coffee to her other hand and focused on the boats moored in the bay, their white hulls gleaming in the sun.
‘I left the way I did because I was worried that seeing you again would make me want to stay, and I didn’t want to.
I took the easy way out for me. I meant what I said the other day, that I really am sorry for how I left.
To not talk to you, to not even say goodbye, it was wrong.
I was selfish and reckless with your feelings, knowing how you felt back then.
I owe your sister a big thank you for persuading you to have a drink with me. ’
‘You do.’ He glanced away as if mulling over what to say.
His knuckles were tensed white around his coffee cup.
‘Because she didn’t hate you the way I did.
She’s pragmatic and not one for romance or wallowing in self-pity.
Back then, she was pretty brutal, telling me to move on and forget about you.
She said even if you had stayed, we’d never have lasted. ’
Tilly opened her mouth to protest, then closed it at Cal’s firm look. His sister had been absolutely right.
‘The reality is, if you’d stayed, I might not have met Sarah and I wouldn’t have my girls.’ He sipped his coffee. ‘I wouldn’t have had the heartache and loss either, but that went hand in hand with love. I wouldn’t give those few years up for anything or anyone.’
The way he was talking about his late wife reminded Tilly of the way Joy had described her life with Robert.
Their time had been far too short as well.
Was it a blessing or a curse to have been widowed and left with children who were grieving a parent?
Tilly wasn’t sure, but his strength and openness was courageous and shone a light on her own cowardice years before.
The ironic thing was, if she’d been truthful with him, they may have had a chance at maintaining some sort of friendship instead of her exiting his life completely.
Although that had paved the way for him to find true love.
There was no going back and changing things, only making peace with the regrets she had and being truthful going forward.
‘I have a tendency to run away from big feelings and cut my losses when things get too much.’ Tilly focused on the calm water of the bay, which was rippling silver in the early afternoon sun.
‘My parents separated when I was little and they both moved around a lot, so any new friends I made were temporary. As soon as I settled in somewhere, I was uprooted again. Then, when I was older and had a choice of staying put, I still ended relationships or pulled away from people as a way of protecting myself from disappointment and getting hurt. At least that was how it had felt as a child, to continuously lose friends.’
‘I didn’t know that. We talked about stuff but not really about ourselves, or at least you didn’t. I probably overshared about my family.’
‘Because they’re a part of your life.’ Tilly stared wistfully at him.
The colourful buildings on the far side of Tobermory were behind him, while he was bathed in sunshine.
‘I envied you that because it’s something I’ve never had.
I have an estranged family on both sides: an absent mother who never wanted to be tied down by a family and a father who was too busy chasing his career then falling in love with a woman who craved that high-flying life.
For me, the word “family” is meaningless. ’
‘I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been.’
‘You can’t miss what you never had.’
Cal looked at her, unconvinced. ‘Perhaps not, but you’re well aware of what you missed out on.’
Tilly batted her hand. ‘It’s nothing compared to losing the person you loved and had chosen to be with.
I’m so sorry you lost your wife.’ She was tempted to give him a hug because the sadness manifesting across his face broke her heart, but they weren’t at that stage yet.
They might never be comfortable with that sort of intimacy again.
Tilly decided to change the subject. ‘How old are your children?’
‘Seven and five. Darcy and Flora. They’re at school now.
I’ll pick them up later and go back to work for a couple of hours.
The good thing about the farm being family-run is everyone mucks in and there are plenty of people around to look after them.
They love their older cousins and my mum is always there, my sister too.
We built a house on the edge of the farm a few years ago, so it’s helped having family close by.
The children kept me going after losing Sarah, but even so, I’d have fallen apart without the support of my family. ’
‘I’m glad you’ve got them.’ Tilly choked out the words because his sadness and her own longing for that kind of loving support punched a hole in her chest. He’d gone through hell losing his wife, yet in other ways he had so much.
‘It’s not something to be taken for granted because not everyone has that. ’
‘I wish I’d known about your family, or lack of them.’ His voice was gruffly gentle.
‘It was my way of protecting myself.’
‘I don’t think either of us dug that deep beneath the surface back then,’ he said, draining his coffee.
No, Tilly thought, but perhaps that had been because not much talking had taken place at all.
Her cheeks heated as the memories snuck into her head: a hot fumble in the hayshed; passionate kisses on deserted beaches; and creeping into the farmhouse and up the creaky stairs late at night to have sex in his room.
Somehow, because it had been a long time ago, it made it okay to be sitting talking now, their reminiscing skirting the edges of what they’d got up to.
Cal was in a very different position emotionally and mentally than when they’d first got to know each other.
She was too – even more disillusioned by men and relationships than she’d been even five years ago, let alone nearly fifteen.
‘I’m not sure it’ll make you feel any better, but you weren’t the first or last boyfriend I left abruptly – okay, perhaps not quite as brutally as sailing away without a word, but my track record is abysmal.
I push partners away to the point—’ She stopped herself from saying more.
She was not going to divulge the shit-show of a break-up with Stefan.
Cal didn’t need to know the details, not when he was broken-hearted for a very different reason.
‘I guess what I’m trying to say is that neither of us are the same people we were fourteen years ago.
You’ve loved and lost and created a whole family,’ she said gently.
‘You’ve achieved so much more than I have on a personal level. That’s something to be proud of.’
Cal nodded and his hands clenched round his empty coffee cup.
She could sense his internal battle with his emotions.
‘I have no regrets about not fighting for you.’ His cheeks deepened to a cherry red as he glanced her way.
‘I considered chasing after you to Edinburgh, but my sister made me see sense. Even after losing Sarah, I didn’t regret my choice.
If we’d remained together, everything would have been different.
I might not have had heartache, but I wouldna had my bairns either. ’
‘Oh, I don’t know about no heartache. With my track record, heartbreak seems to follow me around. I either end a relationship because I feel stifled or they cheat on me. There’s no happy medium.’
‘A happy medium doesn’t sound like you’ve found the love of your life yet.’
I had considered it might have been you, Tilly thought, up until what she’d read and heard this week had made her question a lot of things.
That summer had been one of the happiest of her life.
Thanks to Cal, it had been filled with passion, but her happiness hadn’t been completely tied up in him.
She’d loved spending time with Joy and Logan as much as she had with Cal, perhaps more so as she’d felt at peace for the first time in her life.
She and Logan had spent just as much time together, exploring, walking, talking and helping Joy out.
Tilly had thrived, designing and refurbishing Joy’s two spare bedrooms. It was a passion she’d managed to transform into a career that was successful and profitable and afforded her the freedom to do things like this – return to Mull to help Logan when he needed her most.
‘I’m a very good friend,’ Tilly finally said, deciding she wasn’t going to comment on the love-of-her-life thing. ‘That’s what I excel at, not romantic relationships. I should have told you back then and suggested we just be friends instead of running away.’
‘Well, I know my reaction said differently the other day, but I do appreciate you saying sorry. And I accept your apology.’ He held out his hand and she took it, his rough and warm in hers.
A familiar crooked smile broke through the permanent sadness etched on his face.
‘It’s been good to talk, Tilly. I have my sister, but she’s too close and emotionally involved, so talking to her brings the reality slamming back.
I don’t talk to my friends, at least not in the way I’d like to. ’
‘You can talk to me any time. Like I said, I’m a good friend. And I’m glad you’ve got your family around you.’
Cal nodded. ‘Logan must miss Joy terribly. I’m glad you’re here supporting him. How’s he doing?’
‘As well as can be expected, which is exactly why I wanted to be here.’
‘She was a good friend to our family and we all want to honour her memory on the weekend.’ He drained his coffee and stood up. ‘We can grab a sandwich from Tobermory Stores if you have time?’
‘Yeah, that’d be lovely.’
With the air cleared and a fledgling friendship seeded, Tilly felt immense relief as they strolled along Tobermory’s colourful seafront past Tobermory Chocolate, Isle of Mull Soap, Island Blue gift shop, Aros Hall and Tackle & Books, munching their sandwiches and chatting about the farm and Cal’s children.
Cal needed to get back and she was relieved that it was a quick bite to eat, because she was eager to return to the house to see how Logan was doing.
After saying goodbye to Cal and getting the supplies she needed from the hardware store, Tilly had plenty to think about on the drive back.
The words in Joy’s journal played over about Robert being the love of her life and her never wanting anyone to replace him.
She’d been so young and certain. Tilly wondered whether Cal would remain alone.
It was early days and his children were his priority.
Joy had eventually made peace with her loss and found a quiet happiness, even though her life had drastically diverted from what she’d envisaged when she’d stepped on to that sleeper train to Edinburgh with her new husband.
Tilly would be lucky to find a love like that.