Chapter 14
When my time comes, I’ll make peace with it, knowing I’ll be reunited with my darling Robert.
Extract from Joy’s journal
Logan had cried long and hard that morning while going through Aunt Joy’s belongings, the first time since the funeral.
He was certain Tilly had realised, but she hadn’t said anything.
Maybe she’d thought that giving him a hug would make him feel worse and set him off again.
Except he’d cried anyway after she’d left to go shopping in Tobermory.
To meet Cal. He was pretty certain about that because of the way she was behaving, as if she had something to hide.
Or perhaps she was feeling awkward after that morning’s phone call.
Barney jumping onto the bed and nudging his nose into Logan’s face snapped him out of his melancholic mood.
Going through his aunt’s photos, letters and personal items had been his undoing.
It was hard to comprehend that he would never see her again.
Months had passed since her funeral, which had been held on a cold, stormy day.
With torrential rain and gale-force winds, not many people had made it.
His aunt had wanted her funeral to be a joyful occasion, but with the violent storm and the lack of guests, it had been a sombre affair, something Logan wanted to put right with the upcoming celebration held at a time of year she’d loved.
Logan followed Tilly’s advice and took a break from sorting.
He needed to shift the sadness that had intensified since being here.
The house was his, in a place he loved, yet he was uncertain what to do with it.
It wasn’t the same being here now Aunt Joy was gone, but how could he sell it?
Perhaps renting the house alongside the cottage would be the way to go if he could afford the luxury of keeping it.
Aunt Joy had lived simply with only modest savings, enough for the upkeep of the house for a short while, but not long term.
Grief wound through him as he paused in the kitchen; it was so quiet without Aunt Joy’s warmth and laughter.
She’d spent most of her time in here, enticing him into the heart of her home with the delicious smells of cooked breakfasts, freshly baked bread and lovingly made home-cooked meals.
He knew he should eat something now, but he wasn’t hungry.
He liked cooking, but it was purely out of necessity when he was usually only cooking for himself.
He and Tilly had a tradition of making a special breakfast for each other on their birthdays, although they hadn’t managed to do that for a while.
He wondered if she’d remember for his tomorrow.
Grabbing the lead and a pocketful of treats, Logan whistled for Barney and they set off across the garden.
Thirty-five years old. Aunt Joy had always talked about life passing by in a flash and he hadn’t understood when he was younger. He grimly appreciated that sentiment now. The last few years seemed to have passed in a blur.
He shut the garden gate behind them and paused, his thoughts turning to Tilly.
She was a grafter and had transformed the drive, which was now clear of weeds.
She’d always worked hard, channelling her frustration and sadness at school into her studies.
It had been the same at university, except she’d been a lot happier and partied just as hard as she’d worked.
She had an innate ability to get the best out of herself without having to give up the good things in life.
He’d always found that difficult; he’d been much better at practical subjects and had struggled academically.
He’d put his challenges at school down to grief, but perhaps that had been an excuse that he’d kept hold of ever since.
Yet he’d managed to achieve a 2:1 at university thanks to Tilly’s encouragement and work ethic, and it was different now he loved what he did, running his own business, working hands-on with leather, transforming it into something to be used and loved.
He strolled along the road towards Loch Na Keal.
What troubled him the most was that being on Mull shone a light on his life and all the ways he was dissatisfied.
The significance of turning thirty-five wasn’t lost on him; his and Tilly’s drunken promise to marry each other if they were both single at this age had been tattooed onto his memory.
He’d fantasised about a life with her while never being brave enough to do anything about it for nearly fifteen years.
Tilly bringing up the subject last night had shocked him when he’d believed she’d forgotten all about it.
The way her thoughts had turned to the past and their drunken promise had made him wonder what his aunt had written in her journal and her reason for leaving it to Tilly.
When he’d left the box in the guest room, he’d been tempted to pry but had stopped himself. It had been his aunt’s wish for Tilly to have the journal and he wouldn’t dishonour it, even if he was worried about what she might have revealed.
West of the house, the shoreline of the loch jutted out, a mix of smooth rocks pitted with ridges and grooves, and mossy grass next to a shingle beach.
He stood with Barney and watched the water rippling in.
The sun gleamed on the surface and his eyes drifted the length of the sea loch, to the gap between the cliffs of the island and the open sea beyond, his thoughts as untamed as the surroundings.
Things were odd between him and Tilly in a way they’d never been before and there was definite awkwardness this morning, made all the worse with Cal’s unexpected call.
But was that because he was awkward around her?
Had his own desires and the amount of time they’d spent apart recently accentuated everything?
He picked up a smooth flattish stone and skimmed it. It bounced three, four times on the water and disappeared beneath the surface.
‘Come on, Barney. Time to go back.’ He gave a gentle tug on the lead and they picked their way back across the rock and onto the spongy grass.
Barney trotted next to him as his feet pounded the road which was edged by the gorse bushes peppered with vibrant yellow flowers.
Logan realised the sorting could wait, particularly when he wanted to chat and offload.
So he messaged Rosie and at her thumbs-up reply, he continued towards the pub instead of turning down the lane to the house.
She was leaning in the pub doorway scrolling on her phone when he got there.
‘You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.’ Rosie tucked her phone in her back pocket and strolled towards him. ‘What’s up?’
They perched on one of the picnic tables in the beer garden with their feet resting on the wooden seat and their elbows on their knees, while Barney sniffed about on the grass. The surrounding trees swayed in the rustling breeze.
‘I think Tilly’s gone to see Cal.’
‘Ah,’ Rosie said with a sigh. ‘She was asking after him yesterday.’
Logan’s eyebrows pinched as he glanced at her.
‘Not to look him up in the way you’re thinking, but to apologise.’ Rosie rested back on her hands. ‘You understand there’s no reason to be jealous when it comes to Cal.’
‘They spent the whole of that summer—’ He cut himself short. He didn’t need to spell out what Tilly and Cal had got up to that summer. Everyone had known that local boy Cal had fallen for beautiful and wild Tilly.
‘Aye, they got it on when they were in their early twenties; Cal is in a very different place now. Honestly, I think it’s commendable that Tilly has taken it upon herself to apologise; it can’t be easy. Not everyone would be willing to put themselves in such an uncomfortable position.’
‘Yup, she’s a go-getter.’ Logan was unable to keep the sarcasm from his voice.
‘She’s doing no go-getting. She’s apologising to a man who’s grieving his wife and trying to raise his wee children in the aftermath of that loss.
’ Rosie pulled the sleeves of her jumper over her hands.
‘While here we are, years later, still having the same conversation. You being jealous of Cal, you pining after Tilly and wishing all sorts of things could be happening between the two of you, while refusing to do anything about it. It’s a never-ending cycle. ’
‘Being here now is very different to how it was that summer and you know it.’
‘I understand that.’ She slipped her arm in his and tugged him close. ‘Lots has changed; for one, we don’t flirt outrageously like we used to—’
‘Only because I’m shit-scared of Gill.’
Rosie snorted. ‘You shouldn’t be; she’s a softy at heart.’
‘I’ll take your word for it.’ Logan raised an eyebrow.
‘On a serious note, I know how much losing your aunt has knocked you.’ Rosie squeezed his arm. ‘But Joy never let life keep her down and I didn’t think you did either. Plus, I, er, I may have made a slight suggestion to Tilly last night that you might possibly like her.’
‘Are you kidding me, Rosie?’ Logan pulled his arm away and spun to face her. His heart raced as understanding dawned. That was why things were so awkward with Tilly.
Rosie’s freckled cheeks reddened. ‘She thought we had a real thing going on. Was surprised that my partner’s a woman – that’s how clueless she is. Her surprise took me by surprise.’ She placed her hand on his arm. ‘I know you’re afraid, but all I’m suggesting is to have a conversation with her.’
His arm went rigid. What he wanted to do was escape somewhere on his own to forget and to not have to deal with the difficult feelings he was battling with: grief, longing, sadness, desire and ultimately confusion.
The worst one was hope. He was hoping for something that couldn’t be a possibility because Tilly had never given any indication she liked him as more than just a friend.
‘Sharing the thoughts in my head with Tilly is the last thing I should be doing.’