Chapter 14 #2
‘Logan Wray, I’m going to get bloody cross with you.’ Rosie sighed. ‘You were the first person I came out to because I trusted you and knew you wouldn’t take the whole us flirting-for-years-thing the wrong way.’
‘I kinda knew already, Rosie.’
She batted her hand. ‘That’s not the point. I felt able to talk to you, because I trusted you. You’re open and honest and are bloody great at listening. Yet you refuse to talk to your best friend about your feelings.’
‘My feelings for her.’
‘Even more reason to talk to her about them!’
‘And risk ruining our friendship. I don’t think so.’
Their sharp words spiralled into the quiet of the empty pub garden. Barney padded over and sat on the grass in front of them with his head cocked. Logan leaned down and ruffled his ears.
‘You seriously don’t think you’re risking it by not talking to her?
’ Rosie’s voice remained firm, but it was edged with kindness.
‘I know more about what she’s doing and feeling than you do!
There’s a distance between you that hasn’t been there before.
You can argue all you like that it’s because you’re older and have changed, or that you’re dealing with grief and it’s a shitty time in your life, but that wouldn’t have made a difference if it wasn’t for your feelings that have had no outlet all this flipping time.
You can’t pine over her forever without it messing up something – either yourself or your friendship.
Being open and honest might change what you have, but it won’t ruin it.
What you’re doing now is confusing and will push her away whether you realise it or not. ’
* * *
Logan’s feet felt leaden as he made his way back to the house. The sunshine had been extinguished by a bank of bruise-coloured clouds that threatened rain, and the wind had picked up, making him wish he’d brought a coat.
Rosie talked a lot of sense. He knew he should talk to Tilly, and open up to her in a way that he hadn’t since he was a scared and lonely thirteen-year-old grieving his mum and struggling at boarding school. Much worse things had happened in his life than falling in love with his best friend.
Barney raced ahead, squeezing through a gap in the fence next to the garden gate. The campervan wasn’t here, so Tilly was still out. With Cal. Rosie had been right about that too; he shouldn’t be jealous of Cal, not when the poor guy was grieving his wife.
Tilly had a big heart and was reeling after the breakdown of her own relationship with a cheating boyfriend. She needed to do what was right for her; it didn’t make a bit of difference if he didn’t like it.
He was jealous of the physical intimacy that Tilly and Cal had shared, even if Rosie was right and they weren’t going to repeat it now.
It was the same way he’d been jealous of Tilly’s latest ex, particularly when he’d moved in with her, signalling the first serious relationship she’d ever had.
Although Logan had an emotional connection and the closeness of friendship, he wanted more of Tilly in his life.
Perhaps he was being greedy, because there was every chance it would be more than she’d be willing to give.
Feeling too melancholic to continue sorting, Logan remained in the kitchen instead.
He cracked open the back door to let in a cooling breeze and thumbed through his aunt’s handwritten recipe book – one of the few things he was going to keep.
He traced his fingers over the pages, which were worn with age and stained with blotches of oil and spices.
He found the cheese scone recipe and searched through the cupboards and the fridge for the ingredients.
Anything practical, whether it was drawing, leatherwork or cooking, was the perfect way to destress.
He was able to switch off and allow his hands to take over; he even managed to sort out a couple of the kitchen cupboards while the scones were cooking and found a jar of his aunt’s favourite sweet Isle of Mull Seaweed Chutney.
He’d only just taken the scones out of the oven when he heard a vehicle pull up on the drive.
Barney shot outside barking. The uneasiness that had toyed with Logan all day dissipated slightly. It felt like old times, being here with Barney and Tilly, even while missing his aunt.
‘My goodness, something smells delicious!’ Tilly appeared in the kitchen doorway with a box tucked under her arm and a shopping bag in her hand.
‘Cheese scones. I gave up sorting and cooked instead.’
‘I remember Joy making them.’
‘It’s her recipe.’
‘Well, I bring more provisions.’ She set the box with the decorating supplies on the floor and started unpacking the bag on the counter.
Barney zoomed back in, his tail wagging as he hovered around Tilly’s feet as she pulled out packs of smoked salmon and trout.
Logan put four of the scones on a plate and cleared his throat. ‘How’s Cal? I assume you met up with him?’
‘Oh.’ Tilly swung round. ‘I didn’t tell you where I was going because it felt weird.’
Logan’s chest tightened, the uneasiness that had been building over the last couple of days returning. They were treading uncertain ground that could lead to a deeper conversation that he wasn’t ready for.
‘Why would it be weird?’
His question seemed to take her by surprise. ‘I mean it was weird for me. Seeing him after all this time, particularly the way I left things. We were only going to have a drink, but we got talking properly and ended up having lunch. Because we were hungry, not for any other reason.’
Logan nodded, because he didn’t know what to say.
She was flustered and seemed desperate to justify herself, as if she thought he might be bothered, which he blatantly was if the heat of jealousy coursing through him was anything to go by.
The awkwardness and uncertainty between them confirmed what Rosie had said earlier about an honest conversation being essential if they wanted to get their friendship back on track.
He put the butter, chutney and knives on the table as Tilly finished emptying the bag, and brought over a pack of the hot smoked trout.
They were silent as they lathered butter onto the warm cheese scones and piled the trout on top. With the wind whistling in through the open door and BBC Radio Scotland on in the background, the only other sound was their munching. Barney whined at their feet.
‘You’ve already had food.’ Logan stroked his head and slipped him a morsel of the fish.
‘Did you know he’s widowed?’ Tilly asked. She dabbed her mouth with a napkin. Her eyes drifted away as she turned her focus back on the plate of food.
‘Yeah, I’d heard. Didn’t think of mentioning it though, because of the way you left things. I figured he’d be the last person you’d want to see.’
‘But he’s invited to Joy’s celebration, right?
’ At Logan’s nod, she continued. ‘So seeing him would have been inevitable. I didn’t want the first time I saw him to be awkward as hell; that’s why I sought him out.
If I’d known about his wife beforehand… I don’t know, perhaps I wouldn’t have had the guts to face him at all. ’
Now Logan felt guilty for not having told her about Cal losing his wife, because he’d selfishly not wanted to talk about him while resentment and jealousy lingered.
And why the hell had he brought him up now?
It was up to Tilly what she did and who she saw.
He was behaving like a jealous and controlling partner rather than a supportive and caring best friend.
He needed to put a stop to that right now before it became a problem.
Rosie had been right about that too, that he would be the cause of messing up their friendship if he continued to behave like this.
He held up his last bite of trout-topped cheese scone. ‘Thanks for stopping off to get the fish.’
‘I went a bit crazy because I couldn’t decide, so got us a choice – sticky honey and tikka hot smoked salmon, hot and cold smoked trout, oh and some smoked mussels.
I know how much you love it too.’ She leaned forward, her eyes bright and glinting as if relieved that they’d moved the subject away from Cal.
‘Consider it an early birthday present. Speaking of which, is a walk and beers still the plan for tomorrow?’