Chapter 15
It’s the small moments I miss the most: sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast in companionable silence or catching him smiling at me across the garden. The normality of a happy marriage.
Extract from Joy’s journal
In Tobermory the day before, Tilly had bought everything she needed to make a cooked breakfast for Logan.
With their birthdays just two days apart, it had been a tradition that had started at university.
While Logan favoured a traditional English breakfast, Tilly had been partial to smoked salmon, a poached egg and hollandaise on a toasted breakfast muffin.
Their housemates had teased her no end about her having expensive tastes, but one of Tilly’s favourite memories from boarding school was a smoked salmon breakfast when they’d gone to a local café during half-term and Logan had had the best fry-up ever – in his words.
It was the memory of those breakfasts that they’d tried to replicate since.
Tilly had set an alarm, so she was up before Logan and downstairs in her pyjama shorts and a sweatshirt. With Barney whining at her feet, she juggled cooking bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes and hash browns, while making coffee.
‘I’ve already fed you, buddy.’ She quickly stroked his head before flipping the bacon, which was on the verge of crisping to the point of being burned.
‘It smells delicious.’
Tilly’s heart slammed into her chest. ‘Shit, you made me jump!’
‘You’ve been living on your own too long,’ Logan said with a hint of laughter.
Tilly turned down the flame and glanced over her shoulder. Logan’s curly hair was mussed up and, like her, he was still in the T-shirt and shorts he’d slept in. He sat down at the kitchen table and Barney, realising Tilly wasn’t going to feed him, trotted over and settled against his legs.
‘I haven’t been living on my own though, have I.’ Her tone was clipped, but she couldn’t help it. She turned back to the bacon and broke an egg into the pan.
‘Living with someone for less than a year isn’t a lot after thirteen years by yourself.’
She could almost hear Logan’s eye-roll.
He had a point, but she wasn’t going to admit it.
She switched off the heat and started plating up the breakfast: the whole works for Logan and a smaller portion for her.
She took the plates to the table with ketchup and two mugs of coffee.
It had been a long time since she and Logan had lived together with their university friends; the truth was, she’d liked it a lot more than she’d liked living with Stefan.
They’d felt like an eclectic family at university, comfortable and relaxed with each other.
Had she ever truly felt like that while living with her ex?
That was a crazy thought when he’d been the partner she’d intended to be with long term and she’d been the one to make the commitment by suggesting he move in.
‘Thanks for this,’ Logan said as he tucked in.
‘And a very happy birthday is what I meant to say before you made me jump.’ She nipped into the hall and grabbed his present from the sideboard. ‘This is for you.’
She sat down and watched as he finished chewing, wiped his mouth and tore open the wrapping paper. He pulled out the framed picture, his eyes widening before a smile took over.
‘Oh, Tilly, this is beautiful.’ He turned the pencil sketch of Barney round.
‘Man’s best friend and all, and he’s such a cutie. I commissioned it. Thought it would be nice on your workshop wall or at your flat, wherever you’d like it to go.’
‘I love it, Tilly, thank you.’ He propped the picture against the wall and gestured to their plates of food. ‘Thank you for this too.’
‘It’s nice to do it while we have the opportunity.’
Logan took a mouthful of egg and bacon, finished chewing and nodded at her. ‘Do you miss him?’
Tilly crossed her legs and picked up her mug of coffee. She knew who he meant. Of course this conversation was bound to crop up. Trying to suppress her feelings over Stefan was futile. It was only natural that Logan would want to talk about it. ‘I don’t know how I feel and that’s the problem.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘If I’d honestly loved him and believed he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, wouldn’t I be more upset than I am?’
Logan looked at her carefully before cutting into a hash brown. ‘You sounded pretty damn upset when you phoned me after you found out.’
‘I was angry.’ A branch knocked against the kitchen window, its incessant scratch, scratch distracting her.
She made a mental note to trim it back next time she was out in the garden.
She sighed and turned her attention back to Logan.
‘He had an affair and waited for me to find out instead of having the guts to tell me he didn’t want to be with me any longer.
Of course I was angry, but once I’d had time to cool off, I felt relief that I had a get-out-of-jail-free card. ’
‘That’s honestly how you felt?’
Tilly nodded. ‘Pretty much.’
‘If you knew he wasn’t right, why did you ask him to move in with you?’
Tilly rubbed her fingers across her forehead. ‘Because I was determined to make a relationship work for once. I liked him, he was decent enough—’
‘Until he wasn’t.’
Tilly huffed.
‘Staying with someone because of societal conventions shouldn’t be the reason you’re in a relationship, Tilly.’
‘I know that now,’ she said sharply. ‘It’s been drummed into me through his actions, even though he had the nerve to blame our problems on me – my absence, my career, my need for independence.’
‘You shouldn’t be the reason for his bad choices.’
‘But I didn’t help the situation.’
‘And that’s a valid excuse? Still doesn’t give him a reason to cheat on you.
’ Logan’s deep voice simmered with anger.
Beneath the table, Barney growled softly.
Logan ruffled his ears, but his jaw tightened.
His blue eyes were bright and intently focused on her, the frown line between his eyebrows furrowed.
She shifted in her seat, put her mug down and skewered a sautéed tomato with her fork.
‘I should never have suggested we move in together; that was when it started to go wrong. Space and independence was what made our relationship work. Whether he’d have had an affair or not, splitting up would have felt less messy if we’d lived separately.
’ Particularly when he’s still living in my house, was what she didn’t say.
She knew she’d been a fool to allow Stefan to stay, even if it had been an honourable arrangement while he bought a house and he was well aware he didn’t deserve such a massive favour.
She was too soft and she didn’t need Logan pointing it out.
Joy would have had something to say about the situation, she was sure.
She’d had a kind and thoughtful nature and was the sort of person who’d been willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but she’d been no walkover either and would have known when to say enough was enough.
Logan bit into his toast and brushed away the crumbs from his mouth. ‘You didn’t talk much about Stefan before the break-up. Or since.’
‘Because there’s not much to say. I want to forget and move on.’ Tilly sighed and drained her coffee. ‘We should also be talking about something more upbeat rather than my car-crash of a love life. When do you want to go for a walk?’
‘Let’s do some stuff round here first and take lunch out later.’
Tilly happily agreed and moved the conversation on to her plan for the morning: cleaning the cottage and starting on repainting the living room and bedroom.
Still, even a conversation about practical things couldn’t shift the thought that despite them having had breakfast in their PJs a million times before, this morning felt intimate.
Perhaps it was being alone together in Joy’s house, or maybe it was because of all she’d learnt over the past couple of days.
It was likely a combination of those things, but it felt meaningful.
And although she loved the comforting familiarity of their birthday tradition, how much longer could they continue with it?
They’d skipped plenty of years because one of them was with someone else.
If she’d still been with Stefan, would this breakfast and their time together in Mull feel any different?
Less awkward and uncertain? Logan hadn’t been in a relationship for at least a couple of years.
Actually, he hadn’t been in a serious relationship since Màiri in his early twenties.
Girlfriends had come and gone, but there’d been no one who’d stuck around for long, much like her relationships – until Stefan when she’d tried her hardest to make things work.
Not that she’d tried hard enough. But had that been because she knew they weren’t right for each other?
Perhaps she’d always known, but convinced herself otherwise.
Instead of mourning the loss of a relationship, she was relieved that she’d escaped one that hadn’t been right.
Once again, she had the freedom and independence she’d always craved, yet she still couldn’t say she was happy.