Chapter 16
I shouldn’t blame my sister for falling in love with an American and moving far from home when I fell in love with a Scot and did the same, but Michael wasn’t anything like Robert.
He was career focused to the point of obsession and neglect; he only agreed to have a child for my sister’s sake.
It saddens me to think how different Logan’s teenage years would have been if his dear mum had lived.
I am no replacement, but I hope I’ve been of some comfort to him.
Extract from Joy’s journal
The walk along the south shore of Loch Ba was one Tilly and Logan had done many times.
She knew it reminded him of his aunt; perhaps that was why he’d chosen to come here on his birthday.
There was something special about the combination of mountain, loch, trees and sky because that was all that surrounded them, besides a few cows with their calves, munching grass as they watched lazily.
Logan had been quiet throughout the morning, lost in his thoughts as he continued to sort through his aunt’s belongings, so Tilly knew it would be good for him to get away from the house for a couple of hours.
The weather threatened unpredictability and they’d set off in walking boots and trousers with layers, plus raincoats and a picnic in their rucksacks to cover all eventualities.
The high white clouds provided patchy sunlight and it was warm where it was sheltered, but as they followed the gravel track alongside the loch, the wind tunnelled towards them, whipping back Tilly’s hair and making it hard to hear each other.
Across the other side of the loch, the hills were bathed in sunshine, while the water rippled in the breeze.
Meadow pipits swooped between the trees that edged the shore.
Tilly relished the freedom of leaving behind their worries as they walked in the fresh air and took in the nature around them, of soaring hills and the cold, clear loch.
When the wind eventually died down a touch, Tilly decided to broach the subject about Logan’s lack of a partner.
‘Is there no one special in your life?’ she asked, hitching her rucksack higher on her back. ‘No girlfriend you haven’t told me about?’
Logan glanced at her. ‘Where did that come from?’
‘I just wondered because of what we were talking about earlier – me and my failed relationship. I haven’t heard you mention anyone for a while.’
‘That’s cos there hasn’t been anyone. Not really.
’ She took that to mean if there had been someone they’d only been a one-night or short-term thing.
He kept the pace brisk as he continued talking.
‘We’ve kinda reached the age where everyone’s married or has a long-term partner and if not, they’re either looking for something serious or have just got out of a relationship.
There’s a whole heap of baggage that comes with that. ’
‘You mean kids?’
‘Sometimes.’ Logan shrugged as they continued along the path, while the wind whistled past them. ‘It doesn’t bother me if someone has children. My issue is that someone who’s divorced or who’s fresh out of a serious relationship that’s ended badly tends to be an emotional mess.’
‘And that’s not for you?’
‘I wouldn’t mind if they were the right person.’
‘But you haven’t met anyone who is?’
She nearly didn’t catch the brief shake of his head.
He was concentrating on looking straight ahead, his focus on his footing, or perhaps the view.
She wondered what he was thinking. She’d convinced herself that Stefan was the right man for her, for the reasons Logan had just stated, except he had been a divorcee with a whole heap of emotional baggage.
But then the men she tended to meet were either in a relationship or single and living a party-boy lifestyle.
She refused to date either type. Stefan had ticked so many boxes, and yet she’d never felt certain.
She’d ignored her doubts, believing she had to compromise if she didn’t want to end up alone.
Had Logan been doing a similar thing by not committing?
Having a fling and enjoying the physical side of a relationship was so much easier than giving your heart to someone, particularly when you weren’t sure if they should have your heart in the first place.
‘I sometimes wonder how I got to this age with so many missed chances.’ Logan shook his head and stepped up the pace. Their boots crunched in unison on the stones.
‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s not that time’s passed by too quickly and I haven’t got anything to show for it because I have. I love my work, I’m proud of the business I’ve built, but I’m in my mid-thirties and it feels like yesterday I was twenty, then I blinked and, boom, here we are.’
The same, but not the same, Tilly thought.
They were back on the island where they’d spent the summer aged twenty-one before their lives took them in different directions, and it felt significant.
Their friendship always brought them back together to reconnect, but it hadn’t been quite the same as they’d navigated adulthood.
Their teenage years at boarding school had been filled with confusing hormones and negative emotions, but their shared trauma of abandonment and loss had been dealt with together, while the physical distance between them since their early twenties had put a strain on that connection of friendship and support.
Their conversation trailed off, both of them content to walk in companionable silence.
Halfway along the loch, the path cut away from the water and the marshy landscape opened up, stretching to the horizon where a lone farm was nestled in the foothills of the mountains.
The air came alive with the sounds of birds, and swifts swooped through the air.
They stopped on the flat wooden bridge that crossed a stream and watched as two geese honked overhead.
Joy’s house was surrounded by breath-taking scenery, but it didn’t feel quite as desolate as this.
She could imagine how unforgiving and wild the landscape would be in winter.
They didn’t stop again until they reached the end of the loch, where it petered out into a stream.
They found a spot to sit on a grassy knoll beneath an oak tree.
Out of the wind, there was silence. They hadn’t seen another person the whole time and the one house they’d passed had been empty.
The wild remoteness was something Tilly wasn’t used to, but she adored the peace and being far from people and the monotony of everyday life.
No wonder Joy had loved it here so much.
Beyond the rippling silver-grey water of the loch, the hill opposite soared towards the bleached-blue sky, lichen brown and fawn-cream mottling its surface.
The harder she listened, the more she could hear the tweets, chirps and twittering of the birds in the surrounding trees, including the distinctive call of a cuckoo.
They sat quietly, munching their tikka hot smoked salmon sandwiches and breathing in the fresh air, damp with the threat of rain.
‘I’m so glad you’re here.’ Logan broke the silence. ‘I knew it was going to be hard sorting through Aunt Joy’s life, but my first birthday since she passed… It reminds me of the first one after I lost Mum.’
Tilly reached for his hand.
‘Aunt Joy had already arranged for me to come here and stay with her for Easter and she’d sent my present to school.
Dad didn’t even phone, just sent a card that I’m certain had been written by his PA.
I’d never felt more alone, even though my houseparents made a fuss and got me a cake, but I remember Aunt Joy’s thoughtfulness…
and yours.’ He turned to her, his eyes lined with tears. ‘Do you remember?’
Tilly nodded as a lump formed in her throat.
She’d remembered her own loneliness when settling into boarding school and that had been without losing a parent.
She and Logan had become fast friends and she’d hated witnessing his sadness.
Logan’s father had not long relocated them from New York to Zurich before his mum had died of ovarian cancer.
He’d only ever been a father figure to Logan in name, always working and never really present in his life.
It had been his mum he’d been close to, as they’d followed his father’s impressive investment banker career from London to Zurich to New York, then back again to Switzerland.
‘I made you a book about all the good things that had happened since you started boarding school. Tuck shop Fridays and laser tag where I kicked your ass.’
‘On the first page you stuck a photo of you pointing at yourself with the biggest grin.’ Logan’s hand tightened in hers.
‘I was so angry at the world when I lost Mum. You’d only known me a few months, but that gesture, that kindness was everything.
I’m not sure I ever told you quite how much it meant. ’
‘I understood how much it did, because it was what I would have wanted if I’d been in your shoes.’
‘I don’t know what I would have done without you, because you got me through it.
Aunt Joy was ready to step in and I knew I had a home here, but Dad put an end to that without discussing it with me.
He wanted me to go to boarding school and have the education he desired rather than a home with Joy on an island but going to a small local school. ’
‘He wanted the prestige.’
‘He thought throwing money at my education would set me up for life and would be enough as his role as “father”. And then I’ve disappointed him by working with leather,’ Logan scoffed.
‘You’ve built a successful business and have a skill that makes beautiful things that people love. That’s to be admired. Your dad doesn’t see beyond wealth and social standing. You’ve always known that. Don’t let him get you down today.’
‘He sent me a birthday message and transferred some money into my account as usual.’
‘At least he remembered,’ Tilly said sadly, thinking how her own mum would often forget completely.
She tightened her grip on his hand. ‘And the important thing is that we get to spend today together.’ She almost added ‘it’ll be like old times’ but she didn’t because it would only serve as a reminder about Logan having suffered more loss.
‘I’m glad I’m here with you,’ she said instead.
Her heart ached at the sorrow etched on his face.
He was so familiar, but she had never looked at him in the way she was now; drinking him in.
His eyes were bright with emotion, his stubbled cheeks accentuating his high cheekbones and strong jawline.
His top lip was nicked by a scar caused by a hockey ball that had split his lip and broken a tooth when they’d been at school.
Tilly hadn’t witnessed it happen, but she remembered the colourful bruises he’d come into class with the following day.
He looked good with lots of stubble; he’d probably look even better now with a beard.
His boyish looks had matured, and he carried his handsomeness with a quiet confidence, something she’d not focused on before.
Their hands remained entwined, his warm and solid in hers.
She ran her thumb against his as a myriad of emotions threatened to overwhelm.
She desperately wanted him to smile and be happy, to feel loved and wanted when he’d lost the only member of his family, besides his mum, who’d ever made him feel that way.
‘Happy birthday, Logan,’ she said softly.
She leaned close and kissed his cheek. His stubble brushed her lips and in that split second everything was heightened: the roughness of his cheek and his familiar earthy smell of leather that was so comfortingly him, but also hot as hell.
And those familiar sapphire-blue eyes flecked with grey as she pulled away just enough for their gazes to collide.
His hand tensed as his breath hitched. Her eyes flicked to his lips.
She knew every inch of his face so well, yet the way he was looking at her was new, and it made her head spin and her heart whirl.
A breeze rustled through the branches of the oak and goosebumps stole across her bare arms. He cupped her cheek and she leaned into him, her lips parting before his landed on hers.
She was lost to the moment as Logan Wray, her best friend in the whole world, kissed her like it was the first and last time.