Chapter 18
I regret not fighting hard enough to give Logan a home here with me after his dear mum died.
His father was adamant that his education was of utmost importance and boarding school was where he should be.
Logan was a minor and I had no say. I wish more than anything he could have lived with me.
Yet, if I had fought harder, he may never have met you and for that at least I am grateful.
Extract from Joy’s journal
It was official. Tilly fancied her best friend – and it sucked.
It had taken her more than twenty years to realise it, and there was no way she could pretend she didn’t, or that the kiss hadn’t meant something.
It was like a switch had been flicked and the clarity over her feelings for Logan was startling and confusing.
Making herself go back downstairs to join Logan had been hard, but it wasn’t as hard as trying to be normal around him and it was obvious that he was doing the same with her, while both of them were avoiding talking about the thing they needed to talk about.
They shuffled around each other in the kitchen making tea and buttering cheese scones, before taking them into the living room to warm up in front of the fire.
Tilly had never missed Joy more than she did right now; she’d have had wise words and been a comforting presence and a much-needed distraction from tormenting thoughts.
There were probably some wise words about a situation like this in her journal.
Actually, wasn’t this situation what Joy had been hoping for?
The heartbreak of what Logan had lost with his aunt’s death hit her with an almighty thump.
She gulped a mouthful of scalding tea. She’d never suffered a loss like Logan had because no one she was close to had ever died.
Her losses had come in the form of blossoming childhood friendships cut short, and wasn’t losing Logan’s friendship her greatest fear?
Tilly couldn’t stand it any longer; she didn’t want them to spend the rest of the day dancing around each other.
She put down her mug of tea and turned to Logan. ‘I was thinking we should pay Ivor a visit. You mentioned helping him out, so let’s go see what we can do.’
‘You want to do that now?’ Logan frowned. ‘Today?’
‘You don’t have to on your birthday. I can go by myself.’
‘No, it’s not that.’ His eyes traced her face with intent as if trying to read the thought process behind her decision.
‘I think it’s a great idea. Of course I’ll come with you.
’ He downed his tea. ‘I’ve been meaning to check up on him after he was so emotional about the painting Aunt Joy had left him. ’
Letting the fire die out and leaving Barney sleeping in his bed in the kitchen, they grabbed their coats and put their wellies on, as eager as each other to have something else to focus on.
The rain clouds had passed over and the garden was drenched. Water dripped from the tree branches and the sky was a muddy-blue. Tilly stopped in her tracks at the sight of a perfect rainbow arcing over the field with the horses.
Logan stilled next to her as they took in the glimmering colours. The field was awash with sunshine, while the hills were mottled brown and green, the sky beyond still grey, the perfect mix of sunshine and clouds.
‘Ordered specially for your birthday,’ Tilly said with a smile.
‘It’s beautiful. Just one of the positives for it raining so much at this time of year.’
Tilly was about to set off when the sight of Logan made her pause. His eyes glistened and a tear tracked down his cheek.
‘You’re thinking of your aunt,’ she said quietly.
He swiped the back of his hand across his face. ‘Every time it rained, she’d come outside hoping to see a rainbow. She said they reminded her of Robert.’ He glanced at Tilly, a gentle smile replacing the frown. ‘She used to message me every time she saw one and sometimes send a blurry photo.’
‘They’re beautiful in real life.’
‘They certainly are.’ He gave a firm nod and set off towards Wood Farm.
‘Hey, Logan.’ Tilly caught his hand. ‘Are you okay?’
He nodded, but the way he pursed his lips as if fighting against overwhelming emotions suggested otherwise.
She rubbed her thumb along his. ‘It might hurt now, but it’s lovely to think about Joy whenever you see a rainbow, the same way she thought about Robert.’
She hadn’t intended to make him cry, but Logan’s face crumpled and tears streaked down his cheeks.
‘Oh, Logan.’ Tilly wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, any earlier awkwardness banished.
He finally sank into her embrace, letting go of his bottled-up emotions as he slid his arms around her waist and buried his head in the crook of her neck.
His body shook as he cried, his tears dampening her shoulder as her own eyes welled at his sorrow.
* * *
They were both subdued as they walked along the weed-filled drive to Ivor’s house, but at least the earlier tension had been erased by a cry and a hug.
Tilly knew it wouldn’t be quite as simple as that, but she was more relaxed as she took in the broken guttering and the overgrown bushes in front of the farmhouse.
Nestled on the other side of the tree-covered hill from Joy’s house, Ivor’s farm was set in an enviable position.
Joy’s house may have been called Loch View, but Ivor’s farmhouse had an even more spectacular view across a field of sheep to Loch Na Keal.
It was just a shame the farmhouse and immediate surroundings were in disrepair.
Logan knocked on the door and stepped back while they waited. The wind stirred the branches of the trees, which were still bare apart from tiny leaf buds, and a constant drip, drip, drip sounded.
The door groaned open and Ivor appeared, stern-faced. His gaze shifted between them, his eyes softening a touch when they fell on Logan.
‘We thought we’d come and see if we could do some jobs for you while we have time,’ Logan said cheerfully. Tilly admired how upbeat he was considering what an emotional day he’d had so far. ‘And you didn’t properly meet Tilly the other day—’
‘You don’t need to introduce us again,’ Ivor grunted, opening the door a touch wider. ‘I’m well aware of who she is, as I already told you.’
I am right here, was what Tilly wanted to say, but she bit her tongue and stuck out her hand instead, although she quickly withdrew it when she realised Ivor was going to leave her hanging.
‘Well, it’s good to see you again and I’m happy that Logan offered our services because you must have a problem with damp in that top room at the front. ’
Ivor’s frown deepened. ‘Aye, how do you know that?’
‘Because after all that rain, you have water pouring down the wall instead of in the guttering where it should be. It won’t be doing your wall any good. But it’s a reasonably quick fix if you have a roof ladder or scaffolding. I can check the guttering all along the roof and make sure it’s secure.’
‘I don’t have either.’
‘Aunt Joy does,’ Logan said. ‘We can bring the ladder over.’
‘And you’re not charging me anything?’ Ivor grunted.
‘Of course not. I mean a cup of tea would be nice and maybe a biscuit.’
Not a glimmer of a smile flickered across his weather-beaten face.
Logan cast a look Tilly’s way, his eyes widening and a smile gracing his lips. She faltered as the memory of kissing him just a couple of hours ago crashed into her head and sent her insides somersaulting.
‘Great,’ Tilly said, trying hard to shake off the memory of Logan’s lips and the response his kiss had ignited. ‘Let’s get going before it starts raining again.’
As Tilly and Logan went back to Joy’s house to retrieve the roof ladder from the garage workshop, Tilly considered that keeping busy had always been her go-to reaction to any problems, and her way of dealing with difficult emotions.
She threw herself into sorting out Ivor’s broken and weed-filled guttering, knowing it would help him out, whether he appreciated it or not. He did leave two mugs of tea on the doorstep – minus biscuits – which Tilly considered a win.
Logan seemed content to hack back the overgrown mass of brambles that were covering the downstairs windows. Seeing him looking happier eased the ache in Tilly’s heart and reassured her that getting the focus away from each other had been the right decision.
Tilly had just come down the ladder to get her cup of tea after fixing the guttering when a message from Stefan pinged onto her phone.
I need longer in the house. Just another few weeks, I promise. I’ve overpaid the mortgage this month to hopefully sweeten the deal.
Tilly clenched her phone in her fist. Sweeten what deal?
His assumption was she’d say yes because he’d already made the decision and done what he thought would pacify her.
Also, a promise meant nothing. He’d promised her he wasn’t cheating when she’d had her doubts.
Yet he’d become so blasé when things had become serious enough with his fling that he didn’t want to juggle his affair with Tilly – a woman he no longer wanted to be with – that she’d caught him out.
It wasn’t the financial help she needed, but him out of her life for good.
She wanted a clean break and to be able to move on completely, which wasn’t possible when he was still living in her house, which she was avoiding returning to.
‘Everything okay?’ Logan broke through her thoughts as he picked up his mug of tea.
She realised she was gripping her phone so tightly her knuckles were white.
‘Just peachy,’ she said sarcastically and immediately regretted it.
Why wasn’t she being straight with Logan?
‘It is okay, I’m just annoyed. I said Stefan could stay in the house while he sorted himself out and found a new place to live.
’ She gritted her teeth. ‘Because apparently even though things with his fling were serious enough for us to break up, they weren’t such a serious item they were going to live together. He’s asking to stay for longer.’
Logan frowned. ‘And you’re going to let him?’
‘I mean I’m here, what difference does it make?’ She grabbed her mug from the doorstep and sipped the lukewarm tea.
Logan leaned against the wall. ‘But if he’s still in your house, where were you?’
‘I was doing up a property in Middlesbrough, so in the campervan.’
‘You’re telling me he cheated on you, yet is still living in your house while you were slumming it in the van?’
Tilly’s nostrils flared. ‘I take offence to the term slumming it when my van is cosy and comfy—’
‘That’s not the point, Tilly.’
‘I know it’s not.’ She gulped the tea, placed the mug on the step and stood with her hands on her hips, her head tilted towards the sky.
Dozens of swifts were swooping overhead, gleaming as the sunshine caught their wings.
The rainclouds had dispersed and the sky was now a watery blue.
‘It was my choice. I could have made him leave, but as I wasn’t going to be there anyway, I didn’t think it would be much of a problem. ’
‘Sometimes you’re too nice.’
‘Better than being a bastard like him.’
Logan grunted.
‘It’s fine while I’m here and honestly I’ve been working away from home, so it’s all okay.’
‘If you say so.’
She held up her phone. ‘I’d better reply.’
Logan pursed his lips. ‘I’m just going to finish tackling the brambles on the side of the house, then we should probably call it a day.’
‘Great.’ Tilly nodded. ‘I’m just about done too.’
She’d kept calm while talking to Logan, yet anger stirred at Stefan’s message.
Logan had made valid points. She’d passed off what her ex was doing as if it didn’t bother her, that allowing him to stay had been a practical decision, but there was more to it.
While she felt used by Stefan, she was also disappointed in herself at yet another relationship failing.
In business, she was level-headed and made hard and fast decisions.
When it came to relationships, she craved the love, support and close companionship that she’d missed out on when growing up.
Even after the way Stefan had treated her, was she still trying to please him?
The sound of Logan hacking back the brambles had resumed. She finished her tea and replied to Stefan.
It’s fine for the time being, but you might want to think twice about inviting your new girlfriend over while you’re still living in my house.
She didn’t want to come across as petty or feel as if she was policing him, but she didn’t want him walking all over her either – more than he already had.
She thought back to a passage she’d read in Joy’s journal last night about her life with Robert, where she painted an idyllic picture of young love and a blissful marriage.
Had that been the truth or was she looking back with rose-tinted glasses?
They must have argued or got annoyed with each other at times, but perhaps not enough to be an overriding memory.
And without a doubt Robert had treated Joy with love and respect, which in turn shone a light on Tilly’s own soured relationship with Stefan.
Everyone deserved respect, even if not everyone was lucky enough to find their soulmate.
The ingredients for a happy marriage: laughter, love, the ability to talk to each other about everything, being able to sit in companionable silence and a desire to spend every waking moment with them even if you can’t.
It was that passage in particular that didn’t sit easy with Tilly.
The more she read in the journal about Joy’s feelings for her late husband and the way she viewed love, the more it raised the question that shouldn’t the most important person in Tilly’s life be the person she wanted to spend it with?
She bit her lip and glanced in the direction Logan had disappeared. There was only one person she’d ever felt that way about.