Chapter 19
Regret is one of the challenges of life.
It’s how you deal with those regrets and how you move on that counts.
It’s astounding how some people have questioned whether I regret meeting Robert and presume I’ve endured a lifetime of heartache.
My answer has always been that I’d rather have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
Extract from Joy’s journal
For the rest of his birthday, Logan couldn’t stop thinking about Tilly and the kiss, and he woke up thinking about it the next morning too.
What the hell had he been thinking? But when he tried to remember the moment by the loch, he was uncertain who had made the first move.
It had been spontaneous and felt so unbelievably right and he didn’t regret it, but he was concerned how weird things had become.
Tilly’s flushed cheeks and wide eyes had done nothing to ease his worry, nor had the silence between them on the walk back.
He’d eventually filled it with mindless chatter because he couldn’t stand the sound of his tormented thoughts.
Add to that the lashing rain, them tumbling into the house and stripping off…
Oh God, why had he let things get awkward?
Why hadn’t he cast his feelings aside and just concentrated on their friendship; a friendship that meant everything?
Tilly was who had kept him going countless times in the past. She was his person and he knew she felt the same way about him.
However wonderful the kiss had been in the moment, would it have been worth it if things remained strained between them?
His biggest problem was that he wanted to kiss her again. Scrap that, he wanted to do a lot more than just kiss and it wasn’t as if his thoughts hadn’t gone in that direction many times before, but now they were laced with possibility.
Tilly’s idea to help Ivor out had saved them, although for her to have willingly put herself in the vicinity of someone who openly disliked her suggested just how much their kiss had affected her.
Throwing themselves into something had proved to be a good distraction, however, allowing them to take their minds off each other.
The loss of his aunt had hit him again yesterday, perhaps accentuated by the emotion zooming through him after the walk.
Hacking down the brambles had helped to ease his pent-up emotion and frustration, and it had been dusk by the time they’d stopped.
Ivor had thanked them in his gruff way; he’d even managed to look Tilly in the eye, and Logan knew how much he appreciated the help, even if he wouldn’t tell them outright.
The fresh air and hard work had done them both good and they’d celebrated with a pint at the pub, where a refreshingly upbeat Rosie had wished him a happy birthday and had broken the tension.
Once they’d got back to the house, Logan had suggested a simple dinner while watching a film – he’d caught himself before suggesting they ‘Netflix and chill’ even if that was what he dreamed of.
They’d sat on the sofa with Barney between them.
Watching The Old Guard proved to be the perfect distraction when he didn’t want to talk about the kiss and he assumed Tilly didn’t want to either.
He was also well aware of the significance of his thirty-fifth birthday and the jokey promise Tilly had suggested back when they were twenty-one.
And with her about to turn thirty-five too…
The day after his birthday was thankfully a normal day and less emotionally charged.
While Tilly went to the cottage to start getting it ready for paying guests, Logan continued to sort through his aunt’s belongings.
The piles for recycling, charity and the tip had grown so much that after lunch Tilly loaded the boxes in her campervan to take to the Glengorm recycling centre near Tobermory.
With Tilly out, Logan took the opportunity to message Rosie and take a break.
Over the course of the last few days, he’d realised just how much he missed talking to his aunt.
Even though she’d been older than his mum, he’d always found it easy to chat with her openly about pretty much anything.
She’d thought of him like a son, but their relationship was a combination of family and friendship, and both of them had had to navigate loss at a young age.
The times his aunt had talked to him about his feelings for Tilly, he’d brushed it off, but he’d do anything to talk to her now.
‘This is becoming a regular occurrence,’ Rosie said by way of greeting when he stepped inside the pub.
‘Gill will start to get the wrong idea…’ She snorted.
‘Your face!’ She playfully pushed him. ‘I do like it, mind, and’ – she glanced in the direction of the kitchen and lowered her voice – ‘it gives me an excuse to down tools for a bit.’
Dinner prep was obviously in full swing if the delicious smells of buttery onions and herbs wafting from the kitchen were anything to go by.
Rosie made them both a coffee and snuck Barney a dog treat from the jar behind the bar.
They escaped outside and perched on the picnic table with their backs to the pub while Barney wandered between the bushes, his tail wagging as he sniffed every blade of grass.
Evergreens screened much of the road, and a couple of apple trees were decorated with white blossom, the fallen petals like snow against the green.
‘Happy birthday again for yesterday.’ Rosie knocked her shoulder against his. ‘I’m sure it was a strange one. You seemed a little tense when I saw you.’
‘Yeah, it was an odd day to celebrate while here.’ Logan scrunched his face. ‘But it was more than just that.’
Rosie leaned back dramatically and raised her eyebrows. ‘Oh, that’s a worrying look. What happened?’
Logan clasped his hands round the warm mug. In the dappled sunshine, the breeze was chilly and he shivered.
‘Me and Tilly kissed is what happened.’
Rosie whistled low. ‘I suggested you talk to her, not kiss her,’ she said with a shake of her head while grinning manically. ‘But good on you. Did it make things better or worse?’
‘It made things weird because the kiss…’ His shoulders slumped.
‘Was electrifying, right?’
Logan looked up and frowned.
‘You’re wondering how I know?’ Rosie smirked.
‘Because if it had meant nothing and done zilch for either of you, then it wouldn’t be weird.
You’d both have been able to brush it off, laugh about it and move on, but because you both enjoyed it, it’s complicated things.
’ She touched his arm. ‘But that’s a good thing because you’re both on the same page liking it, you just need to bloody talk to each other now.
How difficult is it to open up and tell her how much you like her? ’
* * *
Logan stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he walked back along the road with Barney. Once again, Rosie had talked sense and told him everything he already knew. He simply needed to talk openly to his best friend as they’d always done. Rosie was right – how hard could that be?
His fear of messing up their friendship would likely happen if he wasn’t open and honest, but most of all he feared rejection if feelings weren’t reciprocated.
There would be no going back from admitting something like that.
A kiss was one thing, but would Tilly want more?
What happened by the loch could be brushed off as simply heightened emotions, and yet it had been real and passionate.
A fantasy turned into reality. He didn’t want it to be a one-time thing.
Spending this amount of time with Tilly reminded him of the past and the good things in it.
Aunt Joy and Tilly were those things and only one of them remained.
That was his deep-rooted fear. Rosie knew that too, but she also knew how important it was to tell your truth and not bury feelings.
If she hadn’t been open and honest about who she was, then she wouldn’t be leading her life openly in a relationship with a woman, running the pub together as partners in all senses of the word.
She’d aced at life, so perhaps he should heed her words.
Logan turned onto the lane and Barney dashed ahead. Through the trees, he could make out the silver gleam of a car parked by the gate to Wood Farm. Realisation dawned on him at who it might belong to, so he slowed before rounding the corner.
The gate to Ivor’s place was rusted closed and the Mercedes was parked on the grass verge. Màiri was standing in front of the wooden side gate with a suitcase, dressed in a smart navy coat, tailored trousers and heels.
Logan ducked behind a tree, his heart hammering. He whistled under his breath in an attempt to get Barney’s attention.
Barney ignored him and trotted over to Màiri with his tail wagging furiously.
‘Don’t you dare jump up,’ Logan hissed as Màiri wheeled round.
Barney reached her and pressed his nose against her leg.
An encounter with his ex was inevitable, so with a sigh Logan emerged from behind the tree, pretending to look at his phone, before meeting Màiri’s cool gaze. He called Barney back to him.
‘He’s yours?’ Màiri asked in her lilting Scottish accent that belied the thunderous look she was casting his way.
‘Hey,’ Logan said pleasantly as he walked towards her. ‘And yes, he is. I didn’t think you’d be here for another couple of days?’
‘I hadn’t planned to be, but I’ve got work I can do from here instead of the office and thought I’d spend a few extra days with Dad.’ She gestured behind her. ‘The gate wasn’t stuck like this the last time I was here,’ she said sharply.
Despite all the work he and Tilly had done yesterday, Logan felt guilty as Màiri’s eyes drifted over him, then flicked back to the gate.
‘I wedged it closed because the sheep kept getting out onto the lane. Your dad asked me to.’
‘Well, fine, but that’s no help to me now.’
‘I can take your suitcase up to the house,’ Logan offered. ‘I’ll take a look at the gate too, see if I can make it easier to open, then you can drive the car up later.’
‘Fine, that’s helpful. Thanks.’ She looked like she’d swallowed something bitter.
She stood back and allowed him to take the suitcase. A sweet perfume wafted his way; it smelled expensive. In fact, she looked expensive, smart and pristine, which was out of kilter with the wildness surrounding them.
He pushed open the side gate and dragged the suitcase behind him, Barney and Màiri following.
The quietly serious young woman he’d once known had morphed into a successful businesswoman.
They hadn’t been in contact since he’d left Mull and had broken up over ten years ago, but Joy had sometimes talked about her, feeding him titbits of information about Màiri carving out a prestigious career as a marketing manager for a high-end hotel and its sister properties in and around Inverness, and her subsequent marriage to an accountant.
He wondered if Ivor had told Màiri anything about him?
If he had, he was sure it wouldn’t have been anything good.
Màiri had done well for herself, although from the little he’d gleaned from his aunt, her life wasn’t all sunshine and roses, particularly when it came to her marriage, but she’d achieved her dream of leaving Mull.
‘Someone’s cleared the front,’ Màiri said as they neared the house.
‘Yeah, I had a go at tackling the brambles yesterday.’ Now would be the perfect time to mention Tilly, but he didn’t want to invite that conversation.
She’d seemed annoyed enough at seeing him; Tilly might tip her over the edge.
‘And, er, when I saw your dad yesterday he didn’t mention anything about you arriving today. ’
‘I find it’s best to surprise him, that way I get to see how he is or isn’t coping.’
‘Ah,’ Logan said as they reached the front door. ‘He really misses Joy.’
‘I realise that, which is one of the reasons I wanted to stay for longer. Make sure he’s okay. After losing Mum, now Joy. I know they were just friends, however much he wanted them to be more, but beyond me and the rest of the family, she was the closest person in his life. If not the closest.’
Guilt thrummed through Logan at the way Màiri was so obviously fighting back tears. Her struggle with her emotions reminded him of their last conversation, which had turned into an argument, when he’d been the cause of her upset. They’d only seen each other from afar since.
‘With my brother in Spain, I feel responsible and although I’m only on the mainland, it’s not easy my life being somewhere else entirely.
’ Màiri put her hands on her hips and sighed.
‘I’ve been trying to persuade him to move to Inverness to be closer to me, but he’s having none of it.
Won’t even contemplate selling this place. ’
‘He hasn’t mentioned a thing.’
‘I’m not surprised. The only person he seemed to talk to was Joy.’ She pulled out a set of keys from her handbag. ‘How’re you holding up?’
Logan pursed his lips. The wind tunnelling along the drive made him shiver. ‘I miss her. Nothing’s the same.’ He gestured in the direction of Loch View House which was screened by trees.
‘Isn’t that the truth.’
He knew she was thinking of her dad and the farm and the loss they’d suffered when her mum had died. Shame skewered his chest. He’d let her down when she’d needed him the most, putting his own ambition and desires above everything else.
‘Thanks for offering to sort the gate.’ Màiri gestured back down the weed-filled drive.
‘It’s the least I can do.’
She huffed an agreement. ‘I best let him know I’m here.’
She turned her back on him and put the key in the lock.
Ivor had been a staple in Logan’s life since the first time he’d visited Mull with his mum when he was a boy. It seemed inconceivable that Loch View House and Wood Farm could be sold off.
He retraced his steps with Barney, his mind tumbling with possibilities and worries.
Life was a cycle of change, with the good times interspersed by challenging ones.
This was another chapter for him, an opportunity to carve out a new life for himself in the wake of more loss.
He had a choice to make about the house and his friendship with Tilly.
Over the next few days, there might also be the chance to make peace with Màiri.
The lead-up to the celebration of Joy’s life was always going to be difficult, but perhaps he needed to face everything with his aunt’s courage and optimism.
He’d just turned thirty-five, a pivotal age for many reasons, and he didn’t know what shape his future should take.
He’d been holding on to a dream for a long time that he never thought would come true.
But what if it could? What if he could put to rest his regrets and be brave enough to work towards the future with Tilly he’d always dreamed of?