Chapter 20
Hold on to the person you love because life can be fickle and unfair, and it can change in an instant. Appreciate what you have and don’t be afraid to love with all your heart, even if the thought scares you – especially if it does, because it suggests you want it enough.
Extract from Joy’s journal
‘Whose fancy Mercedes is parked on the lane?’ Tilly asked Logan when she arrived back later that afternoon.
The trip to the recycling centre had taken longer than she’d anticipated after she’d been stuck behind a tourist who’d been unaware about the rule to pull into a passing place to allow other vehicles to overtake.
Tilly was beginning to feel more like a local, comfortable driving along the mostly single-track roads even in her campervan.
‘Ah right, that, yeah.’ Logan downed a glass of water and looked downright flustered as he leaned against the kitchen counter. ‘I’m about to go and sort out Ivor’s gate so Màiri can drive her car in.’
‘She’s here already?’
‘Yeah, bit of a surprise when I stumbled across her earlier.’
‘I bet.’ Tilly switched on the kettle.
Logan cleared his throat. ‘I’ve tried my hardest to avoid her when we’ve been here at the same time. Think I should have taken a leaf out of your book and had the guts to talk to her long before now. To make things less awkward.’ He looked sheepish. ‘You know, like you did with Cal.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s always better late than never.’ Tilly’s cheeks heated. ‘I’m going to make a coffee, then finish up in the cottage before the light goes.’
They both had work to do, but Tilly was acutely aware how much she wanted to put some distance between her and Logan, even if they would have to talk properly at some point.
Refreshing the cottage was a breeze compared to the work she normally undertook on a property, and if it wasn’t for her whirring thoughts, she would have felt relaxed as she painted the bedroom wall.
Tilly had only met Màiri once during a reunion weekend in Edinburgh a year after they’d graduated.
Partners had been invited, but most of their friends, including Tilly, had been single or had chosen to come alone.
Màiri being there had changed the dynamics, not just with the group but between Tilly and Logan too.
There had been a definite undercurrent of jealousy on Màiri’s part, not only because of the close friendship Tilly and Logan shared, but because she was two years older and had missed out on the experience of university when all she’d known was island life at Wood Farm.
What Tilly hadn’t realised at the time was that Màiri was still navigating grief after losing her mum.
She’d glimpsed a way of living she desired but had responsibilities back on the farm with her dad.
It had also been apparent how much Tilly and Logan had changed their behaviour, keeping a physical distance that had felt unnatural.
It had been ridiculous really, when it was perfectly possible for friends of the opposite sex to be just friends, because that was all Tilly and Logan had ever been.
Tilly placed the roller in the tray of fern-green paint and rubbed her fingers across her forehead.
Had there been an attraction back then that she hadn’t realised?
Over the years, she’d certainly been conscious about how their close friendship might look to others, particularly their romantic partners.
She felt mentally exhausted by the time she’d finished painting the bedroom.
She locked the cottage and strolled along the path through the meadow.
It was magic at this time of day, with the low sun glimmering beyond the hills on the other side of the loch, while the garden encircling the house was bathed in a golden light.
Logan was in the kitchen feeding Barney when Tilly entered. A message popped onto her phone. She paused when she realised it was from Cal.
Thank you for having the guts to meet me and say sorry.
I’d been dreading going to Joy’s celebration this weekend because I didn’t want to see you, but I wanted to pay my respects.
Joy was such a part of the community and a good friend to our family.
Since losing Sarah everything has the potential to be emotional so I was worried about being unable to control my anger when I saw you, but I don’t feel that way now.
It’s hard to put into words what a difference that makes.
I’m blathering on. Thank you for your honesty.
Darcy and Flora will be coming too. I hope you’ll be happy to meet them. Cal.
Logan coughed. ‘You okay?’
Tilly hadn’t realised she’d been holding her breath while standing with her hand pressed to her chest.
His eyebrows were furrowed as he watched her from across the kitchen. ‘It’s from your ex again?’
‘No, Cal.’
‘Oh, sorry.’ Logan stuffed his hands in his pockets. ‘I didn’t mean to pry.’
‘You’re not.’ Tilly switched off the phone screen. She intended to digest Cal’s message and reply to him when Logan wasn’t hovering, which inexplicably made her feel guilty.
‘I saw Rosie earlier and scallops are on tonight’s menu if you fancy popping out instead of rustling up something here?’
‘Mmm yeah, sounds good.’ Why on earth did it feel as if he was asking her out on a date? Because he was looking at her weirdly and they were still behaving in a way they never had around each other. ‘I’ll go and freshen up.’
* * *
The pub was bustling with people by the time they got there at eight. They’d managed to not stumble across Màiri on the way, and as Ivor wasn’t someone who frequented the pub, Tilly reasoned they were safe from an awkward encounter, particularly since Logan had appeased his ex by fixing the gate.
The scallops were perfectly cooked and drenched in lemon butter, served with creamy mashed potato and roasted vegetables.
They ate in silence for a few minutes, their communication only appreciative noises and facial expressions.
It wasn’t lost on Tilly that they were comfortable enough to not have to fill the silence with mindless chatter, yet they were unable to have an honest conversation about the way they were feeling.
She waited until they’d demolished the food before she spoke. ‘Do you think we should talk about the elephant in the room?’ Tilly wiped her mouth on a napkin.
Logan looked up from his plate with wide-eyed shock. She raised an eyebrow.
‘That being the, um…’
‘Kiss.’ Tilly held his gaze, but her palms were starting to sweat just from the way he was drinking her in. Then, when his eyes flicked to her lips, all she wanted was for him to lean across and kiss her again. That was something she couldn’t ignore. ‘We need to talk about it, Logan.’
‘Uh-huh.’ He put his knife and fork down and gulped his pint. ‘Because you regret it happening?’
‘No, I don’t.’ Tilly pursed her lips. ‘Do you?’
‘Not in the slightest.’ His voice dropped lower as he gripped his pint. He took another swig. ‘I didn’t mean to kiss you, it was just in that moment and I sort of can’t remember how it happened.’
‘It was a total in-the-moment thing.’ Her heart lurched at the memory, and it wasn’t just because of the physical experience of the kiss, but the way she’d felt: vulnerable yet safe, her emotions stripped bare but loved at the same time.
He released his grip on the pint glass. The way he looked at her so intently nearly undid her. ‘I like you, Tilly, I always have done.’
‘Well, I know that. I like you too, Logan Wogan.’ She jokingly brushed off the intended meaning behind his words, while her heart beat faster and heat pooled in her chest.
‘I like you as more than just a friend.’ His lips parted and his cheeks reddened.
Couples, families and groups of friends surrounded them, chatting and eating together, their conversations jumbled in the background, yet it felt as if there was a single spotlight on her and Logan and nothing else mattered.
‘Since when?’ Tilly asked quietly.
Logan ran his hand down his stubbled jaw and met her eyes. ‘Since forever.’
Tilly sucked in a breath. That feeling of being stripped bare and emotionally exposed returned with a vengeance, the spotlight intensifying on her. She had no clue what to do with that nugget of information.
‘Actually, that’s not technically true,’ Logan continued. ‘I liked you from the minute we met, but it was when we were older that I realised I liked you as more than just a friend, that you were attractive, funny, kind, loving, adventurous – all the good things.’
His words wrapped her in a hug. ‘When did you realise?’
‘That I liked you liked you?’
Tilly nodded, but she was pretty sure she knew what he was going to say.
‘My feelings began to change when we moved to Edinburgh, but I knew for certain the summer we were here.’
All that time and he’d not said a word.
Logan lifted his pint. ‘This is probably a conversation we should have had while not drinking.’
‘Because in the morning you’ll regret saying anything?’
‘Maybe. I don’t know. I think I need Dutch courage.’ He downed the rest of his beer. ‘Because what I really want to say is where do we go from here?’
Tilly gulped. ‘That’s a big question.’
‘I know it is, because I really want to ki—’
Rosie clamping her hand on his shoulder cut him short. ‘Your drinks are empty. Fancy a top-up?’
‘I’ve probably had enough for tonight,’ Logan said tightly.
Rosie glanced at Tilly. ‘How about you?’
‘I could do with another, thanks.’ Her heart raced.
She wasn’t sure if she was annoyed or grateful for Rosie’s interruption, particularly when they started talking about the food Rosie and Gill were providing for Joy’s celebration.
Logan’s earlier train of thought was diverted and he relented on another drink while they discussed the weekend plans before they walked back to the house in the dark.
Barney greeted them, snuffling wet kisses into the palms of their hands. Tilly shrugged off her coat. ‘I can’t do long days and midweek drinking like I used to,’ she said, stifling a yawn.
‘We should set off early tomorrow so the road’s quiet if you want to go the scenic route for your birthday.’
‘Sounds like a good idea.’
‘I’m going to let Barney out, so go ahead and use the bathroom first.’
Once again, they hadn’t hugged good night.
As Logan disappeared back outside with Barney, and Tilly headed upstairs, all she could think about was how their feelings for each other had changed things.
What he’d admitted this evening was a step into the unknown, even if they hadn’t delved too deeply, and while her own feelings for him were new, they were undeniable.
Tilly took her frustration out on her face, scrubbing it clean and brushing her teeth with unnecessary force.
Usually it didn’t take this long for Logan to come upstairs, so perhaps he was avoiding her, or maybe he was prepping for her birthday breakfast. She was already in bed by the time she heard his footsteps on the stairs.
The house was quiet with only an occasional hoot of an owl or the wind stirring the branches of the trees.
She heard the tap running in the bathroom and the toilet flush.
Logan padded along the hallway to his room.
He paused outside. Tilly held her breath and only loosed it when his footsteps continued and his bedroom door closed.
Tilly slipped from her bed and crept to the door.
All sorts of possibilities whirled through her head.
Had he wanted to come to her room? Maybe she could feign needing to use the bathroom again, then knock on his door to see his reaction.
She rested her head against the wood and sighed.
To do what? Seduce her best friend? Initiate more than just a kiss that had likely been fuelled by heated emotions?
No, she’d be better off getting some sleep and not heading further down a road that had no way back.
She slipped into bed and glanced at Joy’s journal.
Was it the romantic notion of a woman who’d loved and lost too young that had planted these thoughts, or was it just Joy’s wishful thinking, imagining something that wasn’t there because she wanted her nephew to be happy?
Who knew, because with her head and heart a scrambled mess, Tilly certainly didn’t.
Instead of picking up Joy’s journal and continuing where she’d left off, Tilly switched off the light and tried to sleep.
On the eve of her thirty-fifth birthday, she was about to spend it with the best friend she’d promised to marry all those years ago if they were both still single.
And here they were, single and undeniably attracted to one another.
Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day.