Chapter 29
For me, safety, belonging and true contentment is love.
Extract from Joy’s journal
Tilly woke to Logan slumbering face down on the bed with his arms wrapped around his pillow.
The duvet only covered his lower half and his muscled back was on show.
She was naked too and felt absurdly vulnerable and uncertain, while the memory of their night together raced through her head on repeat.
They’d been intimate in the campervan in Lochbuie, but there was no coming back from last night when they’d taken things the whole way.
She’d slept with her best friend, which was a big enough deal in itself, but coupled with what he’d said before they’d ended up in her bed, she didn’t know what to think.
Scooping up her clothes from the floor, Tilly crept from the room and locked herself in the bathroom.
She stood under the hot shower for an age, as if washing away the memory of their night together was possible.
Not that she wanted to forget when she still tingled and ached in the best possible way, and the sensation of Logan kissing and touching her was etched on her skin like a tattoo.
Their actions couldn’t be erased, nor could the things that had been said.
Or not said in her case. And that changed everything.
Why was this so hard? Logan was her best friend and meant everything to her and last night had been magical, yet she’d woken with uncertainty and worry that manifested as a pain in her chest. She had no clue what to say to him when he woke.
It was crazy how a declaration of love could leave her feeling this way, but it had.
Tilly stepped out of the shower and dried herself. She wanted to put on fresh clothes, but not at the risk of waking Logan up when she craved time alone to process, plus she wasn’t ready to see him asleep and sexy in her bed again.
Barney greeted her in the kitchen with a wagging tail and a damp nudge of his nose against her hand.
She fed him and let him outside. She drummed her fingers on the counter while she waited for the kettle to boil as her thoughts spun and her chest tightened with anxiety.
Picking up her phone, she clicked on the message from Stefan and scrolled through the photos of the farmhouse.
She should ignore it and reply to say he was on his own, but something made her pause as an idea formed.
Instead of deleting the images, she went to the CalMac ferry website and searched the availability of that day’s sailings.
What she needed was space to think. Escaping was cowardly, but she needed the distance to sort through the muddle in her head and heart.
Plus, she was intrigued by the property and she never liked to ignore an opportunity that had the potential to be good for her business, which was probably why Stefan had dangled it in front of her.
She thumbed a reply to Stefan and sent it before she had a chance to consider the implications of leaving.
Send me the directions and postcode. I’ll be there tomorrow, although I’m not promising anything.
Whether it would be a mistake or not, her curiosity had got the better of her. She was unable to ignore a business opportunity, yet she was willing to ignore the situation with Logan.
She distracted herself by tidying the kitchen, wiping down the surfaces and unloading then reloading the dishwasher before making coffee.
Her stomach rumbled but she didn’t feel like eating when she was sick with nerves.
And guilt. What she wanted to do was grab her stuff, get in the campervan and leave before Logan got up.
But however much she wanted to avoid having a difficult conversation, she couldn’t leave without saying goodbye or explaining her reasons.
It wasn’t lost on her that she’d done this before: fled Mull when things had got too serious. She told herself that this was different. She was only taking a bit of time out and would return, and yet somehow it felt like she’d be deciding her future.
When she heard the shower running, her heart started racing. Ten minutes later, Logan appeared in the kitchen doorway with damp hair and looking dreamy in a T-shirt and snug grey joggers. Her heart raced even faster for a very different reason.
‘Coffee’s on,’ she managed to choke out.
She dragged her eyes away from him and continued to put away the clean crockery.
She stilled when she sensed Logan behind her, his warmth enclosing as his hands encircled her stomach and he pressed a kiss to the side of her head.
She closed her eyes and willed herself to breathe deep and keep calm.
Somehow this moment felt more intimate than last night’s passion.
If only she could allow herself to relax into his embrace, to let go of her anxiety and accept the intimacy for what it was: loving and needed.
Hard to do when she wanted to run a mile, not so much from him but from her own thoughts and feelings.
She pulled away and as she reached up to put a mug in a cupboard, Logan’s hand brushed the bare skin of her waist.
‘I’ve fed Barney already and I can take him out this morning if you like – I could do with a walk.’
Moving away from him, she filled the kitchen with chatter, talking about what was still left to do in the cottage, while keeping busy making toast. Logan added a comment or two, but she noticed the worry in his frown lines.
She was babbling, not giving him the opportunity to turn the conversation in a different direction.
The moment she finished her toast, she made an excuse to go and get dressed. By the time she returned downstairs in jeans and a T-shirt with a plaid shirt thrown over the top, Logan and Barney had gone out. The relief she felt at being alone in the house cemented her decision to leave.
There were still a few things to do in the garden, which enabled her to focus on pulling up weeds rather than her churning stomach. High white clouds drifted overhead and a robin kept her company, flying between an overhanging tree branch and the border.
Barney alerted her to Logan returning. He raced towards her, his tail wagging as he snuffled his nose into her hand and rubbed against her leg.
‘I needed a walk too,’ Logan said with a subdued tone. ‘You can take him out again later if you want.’
Tilly straightened and dropped a handful of weeds into a bucket. ‘About that, I kinda need to talk to you about something.’
There was a glimmer of a smile at that, but what he hoped she would talk about was vastly different to what she was about to say.
‘I should have talked to you about this yesterday, but there wasn’t the chance.
’ Not when we were celebrating your aunt’s life then celebrating each other, Tilly thought while trying to banish the image of Logan not just celebrating but worshipping her body.
Sleeping together had managed to be an extension of the shorthand they had as friends.
It was as if they’d already known what each other liked, which had made the experience passionate and satisfying – more than that – electrifying and wanted, with none of this overthinking-it-bullshit she was doing now.
‘So it’s not what happened last night you want to talk about then?’ His smile disappeared.
Tilly shrugged. ‘There’s not much to say; we kinda said everything through actions.’
‘I’m not talking about that.’ His cheeks flooded with colour.
Of course she knew what he meant. She sighed. There was no avoiding this conversation. ‘You can’t say what you did, put me on the spot like that and expect me to know what to say back, let alone deal with it.’
Logan’s nostrils flared. ‘I don’t expect anything back. And it doesn’t change things between us. This morning is weird, you’re acting differently—’
‘Because saying you love me changes everything and you’re a fool to not realise that!’ Her words were sharp and unfiltered.
Logan reeled back, his mouth open like a fish out of water. Her pent-up emotion had got the better of her because she was on the defensive, a gut reaction when things got real or difficult or far too serious.
She’d been dancing around him all morning, trying to avoid an honest conversation. While the heady attraction she’d felt last night was still there, she couldn’t make sense of the way she felt in her heart. More importantly, she didn’t want to because it scared her.
Grabbing the bucket of weeds, she paced further along the border.
She stopped and loosed a breath. ‘I’m sorry.
I’m acting differently because I don’t know how to act.
’ She swung back to face him, her hands sweating and heart pounding.
She’d never felt uncomfortable talking to Logan ever, yet she was struggling to meet his eyes.
‘We’ve never been in this situation before.
You may have felt this way for years, but for me, this’ – she waggled a finger between them – ‘is new and it’s a lot.
I can’t do this, Logan, at least not right now.
Maybe we should go back to being just friends, it’s what matters most—’
‘You’ve decided that after we slept together? Which you initiated?’
Tilly looked away. He had her there, although inside she was screaming, no, I decided that after you told me you loved me and it got scarily serious.
‘I panicked,’ she said instead, hoping to dampen the flames of his anger.
‘And I need to process things. Which brings me on to what I wanted to talk to you about, because I, er, need to go home for a bit.’ She knew her voice sounded shaky and apologetic.
Logan stuffed his hands into his pockets and his face pinched into a frown.
‘Well, not home exactly, it’s just a property that’s cropped up. I need to see it.’
Logan’s face was neutral, but she knew him well enough to understand he was trying to control his emotions.
‘You’ve been actively looking?’
‘No, it’s just something that got sent my way.’
‘Too good to turn down, huh?’
‘Something like that.’ Her mouth was dry, while any lingering happiness from last night had been put out by the coldness that had obliterated Logan’s earlier tenderness.
‘You can’t keep running away, Tilly.’
Watch me, she wanted to say, but she knew how wrong that sounded. He could see right through her.
‘I can’t put my life on hold for you.’ The moment the words were out, she regretted them.
Logan’s jaw clenched and his lips tightened.
She might as well have slapped him. This was her life at the moment, helping and supporting her best friend – not that she was doing a good job of it any longer – but realistically how long was she going to stay on Mull?
Another week and then what? What were they to each other now?
Friends with benefits just felt messy, everything she hadn’t wanted to be with Logan.
‘Sorry, I’m stressed and confused and need to go back to sort work stuff out. ’
‘Work will always be there. There’s quite a lot to sort out here.’
He didn’t need to say ‘with us’ for her to understand.
‘I’ll only be gone a couple of days. I need to do this.’
‘You’re leaving now?’
‘I’ll get the next ferry that has space, yes.’
His look of hurt and disappointment might as well have been him ramming a stake into her heart.
She was the cause of his upset; her inability to stay and talk things through.
And yet they had talked over the past few days, they had shared their truth, but her own uncertainty and fear had been building since they’d kissed by the loch.
Monumental changes had taken place in a short space of time and she needed to give her head a chance to catch up with her heart.
He was right about her running away, and even though the ferry wasn’t for another couple of hours, she didn’t want to stay any longer to witness his hurt or become more entangled in her own confusion.
‘I’m sorry, Logan, I need to do this. I’m going to grab a bag.’ Without waiting for a reply, she turned and strode towards the house.
‘Constantly running away from everything good in your life is no way to live,’ he called after her. ‘You have to face your demons eventually, otherwise you’ll never be happy.’