Chapter 30
Thanks to Robert, the Isle of Mull and Loch View House have provided for me in mind, body and spirit.
I continued to sell Robert’s artwork as he would have wished me to, and the cottage has always been a decent income.
My vegetable garden provides an income too, as well as an escape and food for my table.
I live simply, but feel rich in many ways.
Extract from Joy’s journal
By the time Tilly had packed an overnight bag and returned downstairs, Logan had made himself scarce.
Not that she blamed him; him disappearing was what she was doing, only in a more dramatic way.
He wasn’t in the house, the garden or the cottage and Barney was gone too.
She assumed he was walking off his anger or had gone to see Rosie.
Tilly slung her bag on the front seat of the campervan and started the engine.
She was certain Logan wouldn’t return until she’d left, so she freed them of any further awkwardness by driving away.
They could continue their conversation when she returned.
Because she was coming back. She’d left most of her things here so there’d be no excuse not to.
However awkward it would be, she couldn’t do that to Logan.
With time to kill, Tilly faltered at the T-junction when she reached Salen.
The ferry was only a twenty-minute drive away and there was too long to wait in her campervan with only her tumultuous thoughts.
She went in the opposite direction instead, as if heading to Tobermory, but she turned off beforehand at Aros Park, a place she’d passed many times but had never had time to stop.
After parking in a large grassy area, she took the path through the wood, finally able to breathe easy as her feet pounded the soft earth. The sound of plummeting water got louder the further she walked, overpowering the musical calls and warbles as birds flitted between the trees.
Instead of following the path along the river and climbing to the top of Aros falls, Tilly found a bench beneath the trees by the lower falls, where the continuous thundering of the water cascading into the sea kept her company.
The water rippled pearl-blue, and across the bay, the buildings of Tobermory were colourful against the backdrop of trees, the pink, yellow and blue striking compared to the gleaming white houses further up the hillside.
The wind stirred, pushing back her hair.
Beneath the trees, the dappled sunshine was welcome, the spring day fresh.
The whole island felt as if it was blossoming.
Tilly felt like that too. Her senses, her emotions and her heart had been woken up after being dormant.
But that didn’t mean it was easy. Growing and maturing was hard work and pitted with obstacles.
Perhaps she was the biggest obstacle of all, wound so tight and holding on to so much fear.
She’d never had counselling to work through her childhood issues.
Her therapy had been stripping back houses to find the beauty hidden beneath.
Choosing colours and fabrics and injecting style into somewhere unloved and neglected had been her reason to get up in the morning.
She was good at it too. She thrived on the pressure and the risk, while she enjoyed getting her hands dirty doing physical work.
It was good for her mind, body and soul.
But being somewhere like this was good too.
Removing stress had to be a positive. She needed to find a balance and most of all she needed a way to be happy.
She wasn’t even content, not when she’d been going through life, hurting and disappointed.
Logan was right about facing things head on, but perhaps she should start with things in her past before she could consider her future.
She rested back on the bench. Half a dozen boats were out in the bay.
The ground was moss-covered and littered with twigs.
It had been too quiet at Loch View House when all she could hear were her thoughts, while here there was peace because the falls did a good job of drowning out the negativity and confusion.
She needed to take one step at a time. The view of water, trees and the town was grounding as much as it was peaceful.
There were a couple of people nearby, yet she was on her own somewhere she hadn’t been to with Logan.
She hadn’t been here with Cal either. It was refreshing to be somewhere new.
Tilly sat there long enough to feel the chill of the spring breeze.
The flickering sunlight wasn’t enough to keep her warm.
Forcing herself away from the view, she retraced her steps back through the wood.
The sound of the falls disappeared completely by the time she reached the sunny car park.
She got back in her campervan and set off for the ferry, the mainland and the long drive to Cumbria.
Whatever Stefan’s intentions were when it came to the farmhouse, returning to reality for a short while might be the best way to sort out the muddle in her head and to work out how she felt in her heart.
Stefan had tempted her with an opportunity to step things up with her business, although would partnering with him be the wisest idea?
Even professionally, could she handle their history and his betrayal?
Did she really want to put herself in a position where he could hurt her again, even if they weren’t in a relationship?
As she neared the Craignure ferry terminal, she told herself she was leaving for a valid reason, even if Logan’s hurt and disappointment remained with her and she knew she was delaying the inevitable confrontation and difficult decision.
It was a risky move. Logan may have interpreted her actions of her leading him on then running away as deceitful at best and a huge wedge in their friendship at worst. That worried her more than anything.
* * *
Her troubling thoughts remained on the crossing from Craignure to Oban.
Despite the dry, sunny day, Tilly chose to sit inside and tried not to focus on Mull getting smaller.
Her heart sank the further they sailed. The thought that she was making a huge mistake leaving Logan while allowing Stefan to inch back into her life constantly tormented her.
She felt even worse as she drove off the ferry and took the road out of Oban.
She wasn’t going home, but would stay somewhere close to the farmhouse, ready to view it in the morning.
A whole night alone to think would be a good thing, except she had heaps of time to do that on the four-and-a-half-hour drive to Cumbria as she cut through mountainous scenery and navigated the narrow and busy road that hugged Loch Lomond.
The contrast to the peace she’d experienced on Mull was stark and she was already missing the quiet moments: silent mornings only broken by birdsong, sitting on the back step with a coffee, breathing in the fresh air and watching the landscape come alive.
But was it just Mull she was pining for, or Logan?
Guilt tightened in her chest over the way she’d abruptly left, even if getting away was what she needed.
Tilly put her foot down on a straight stretch of road and turned the music up, hoping to drown out her doubts.
* * *
Tilly slept in her campervan at the motorway services off the M6, but she had a fitful night.
All she could think about was what had happened the last time she’d slept in here with Logan.
Her thoughts then turned to how pissed off he must be because of the way she’d left.
She thought about messaging him but didn’t know what to say.
By the time dawn arrived, she was tired, grumpy and annoyed with herself.
With a twenty-minute drive to reach the farmhouse, she left early, wanting to arrive first to make an assessment before Stefan could weigh in with his thoughts.
The anxiety she’d woken up with eased a little with the drive through the countryside, the hedge-lined roads and patchwork of fields different to Mull, although the lanes did become narrow and quieter the closer she got to the property.
As soon as Tilly turned onto the private lane that led to the farm, she could see the potential.
Nestled in countryside in the north of the Lake District National Park, the property was surrounded by fields and trees.
It was accessible, yet it felt remote with no visible neighbours and far-reaching Cumbrian views.
The bones of the building were there: solid stone walls flecked with lichen, the front of the farmhouse a grubby white.
It was set in an attractive courtyard which was weed-filled and moss-covered with cracked paving and a tumbledown piggery alongside another barn in need of repair.
A sympathetic restoration would transform the farmhouse into something special, but everything needed doing, from repairing the stonework and replacing the roof to restoring the windows and clearing the overgrown outdoor areas, not to mention rewiring, plumbing and all the other issues the inside would inevitably throw up.
The list was endless, even before getting to the part Tilly excelled at.
As she stood in the middle of the farmyard, she tried to look beyond the beauty of the location and the potential the place offered, to the truth; it wasn’t somewhere she would have even looked at, let alone considered, if Stefan hadn’t tempted her and she hadn’t needed a reason to escape.
Yes, it was exciting, but coupled with the financial risk and having to work closely with her ex while putting her trust in him again – the combination was dangerous.
And yet, he’d managed to get her attention, while she’d played right into his hands.