Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
B riar
The trip felt like a dream and far exceeded my expectations of what a vacation would feel like. Now I understood the hype of taking a vacation, and I checked off three items from my bucket list. I was also paying the price of late nights and all that partying because I was tired. The last days of vacation were spent with me chilling around the house and in bed. When I wasn’t relaxing, I went to the Sports Complex to work out in the gym. I gained seven pounds in four days of vacation. It was something my coaches were going to notice. Gymnastics was one of those sports where weight mattered. It was hard to hide a few extra pounds with the bodysuits we were required to wear.
The group from Punta Cana spent New Year’s Eve together drinking and hanging out at Ivy and Lynsey’s house, but drinking and eating more food was the last thing I needed. So I spent the night in bed watching movies. When Annie and Ruby wanted to catch up after vacation, I couldn’t say no. The night before the semester started, I went to Black Jack’s with them. I had thought about telling them about my fling with Aaron but after giving it a lot of thought, I convinced myself it was better not to talk about him. I’d somehow managed to develop feelings for the jerk in the short time we were together. I cried the first night I was home because, how did I meet such a great guy who was so unavailable? The thought alone made it feel like my heart was breaking and that’s exactly what I tried to avoid by keeping Aaron at a distance. After Ruby revealed she and Macklin had been hooking up and were now together, I told myself it was better I kept the secret because Macklin played for the Riverside U hockey team, and now, I had two friends dating hockey players. Besides, Aaron was not dating material. Only problem is, I couldn’t avoid him when Annie got me a ticket for a home game. I had the privilege of watching Aaron in action, and boy was he good. NCAA hockey was popular among students at Riverside, unlike gymnastics, which didn’t get the same kind of attention. Watching Aaron play had my hormones in a twist. I never thought hockey would be a sexy sport. The guys are wearing so much gear and using sticks. Hell, I could barely see his face through the helmet and my body was heating up watching him fight for the puck. Once the game was over, I left the arena like a bat out of hell, while my friends waited for their men by the locker room. There was no way I wanted to come face-to-face with Aaron and be reminded of how good we were together. We had agreed to a fling in Punta Cana, and that is exactly what it was.
I drove home from the arena with my emotions swirling inside me like a tsunami. A wave of nausea washed over me as I was driving. I grabbed a hot dog at the game since I hadn’t eaten dinner, and it felt like it was making a comeback. Probably not the best option to eat a hot dog after all the weight I gained, but it smelled so good I couldn’t resist. Only the nausea felt overwhelming so I pulled off to the side of the road and got out of my car. A few cleansing breaths weren’t enough to keep the nausea at bay because suddenly I was puking at the side of the road. Instead of feeling worse after puking, I felt relieved. Maybe I got food poisoning from the hot dog.
I took a warm shower when I got back home and went to bed. I wasn’t friends with my housemates. My room was the cheapest one I could find in off-campus housing. I got a stipend as part of my scholarship. I had to make sure the money went a long way. Sometimes it got lonely not having friends to live with, but over time I got used to doing everything on my own. My mind wandered back to my time in Punta Cana. To the hot nights spent with Aaron in bed. The way his large strong body fit against mine, even though I was so much smaller. Aaron was gentle and attentive. I drifted off to sleep dreaming of sunsets and a hockey player with sandy-blond hair.
The next morning, I woke to my alarm with a startle. I sat up too quickly and felt another wave of nausea. Oh no. I must have caught something. Maybe it wasn’t food poisoning after all. I sipped some water and got ready. Skipping breakfast seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t want my breakfast to make a comeback during practice. With a competition coming up this weekend, I couldn’t afford to bail on practice. I got to practice a few minutes early, which gave me time to run into the locker room and take off my hoodie and joggers since I always came dressed in my bodysuit under my clothes. My hair was in a high ponytail, as per usual.
My friend, Monica, was leaving the locker room the same time as me. “Are you feeling okay? You look pale.”
“I may have caught a bug, I’ll be fine.” I waved her off, despite feeling weak and tired. I hadn’t slept well the night before and my body was feeling it.
Coach Ludmila blew her whistle. All the gymnasts lined up. She gave us her usual spiel about the competition being days away. Then she ordered us to do ten laps around the gym to warm up. I ran beside Monica and a guy named Jaden, but I wasn’t keeping up with them and they slowed down, which I appreciated. By the time practice officially started, I felt wiped out. Coach put me on the floor with three other girls. I needed to work on my floor routine since I was having trouble sticking the last tuck.
Monica did her routine first. Hers was similar to mine in that it started off with a roundoff back handspring. I could usually do those in my sleep, but when I got into position my head felt like I was floating. I pushed through it and ran into my roundoff, then went straight into my back handspring followed by a twist to face forward, at which point I went into a front tuck. I didn’t stick the landing and fell on my ass like a complete amateur. Coach Ludmila caught on to my mishap and walked over to me.
“What’s going on?” she asked, looking me up and down like she was inspecting me under a microscope.
“I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep well last night,” I reply, which wasn’t a lie.
She pinched her lips. “I didn’t want to mention anything, but how was your break? Did you go home to see your family?”
I hated questions about my family. I avoided them like the plague. Especially since Mom hadn’t even remembered to call me on Christmas Day. She called on New Year’s and said things had gotten hectic with my siblings, who I barely knew.
“I went away with friends.”
She nods. “You’ve put on weight. You’re tired and you aren’t on you’re A game.” Gymnastic coaches were known to be harsh. It was that kind of sport and Ludmila had made herself a career training world-class gymnasts. You didn’t get that reputation by going easy.
“I’m taking care of the weight. I may have a small bug. It’s nothing. I’m sure I’ll be fine for the competition,” I assure. It was three days away. I was fighting a virus. It was enough time to feel better.
“Good,” she said pronouncing the “d” in good like a “t.” “Now give me a roundoff back handspring back tuck. One, two, three.” She clapped her hands.
I was so not in the mood to be here. I usually had a strong drive to succeed in gymnastics. It’s how I got this far. Sprained ankles and wrists and bruising all over my body was never enough to deter me. I was determined to go all the way. I had the Olympics as a goal. Winning a medal could mean money I could really use for my future.
I ran to the edge of the mat and took a deep breath before taking off in the routine Coach Ludmila asked me to do. Everything was smooth until I landed the back tuck and lost my balance. I had to stick the landing. I usually had a hard time sticking it, but today I was extra clumsy. Coach Ludmila sighed. “Again,” she demanded.
My stomach was churning. If I had to do any more flips, I was going to throw up again. I ran back to the corner of the mat to get ready for another run, but I couldn’t do it. Instead, I ran to the restroom and heaved over the toilet. When I left the bathroom, Coach Ludmila was waiting for me.
“You need to go to the campus clinic,” she said. “Keep me updated.”
I was excused. I went to the locker room and got dressed and grabbed my schoolbag. I called the campus clinic to book an appointment. I had my share of the flu and colds over the years. It wasn’t like I hadn’t missed a practice to illness before, but something about how I was feeling felt off.
The clinic only had an appointment for the end of the day, so I decided to stay on campus and go to classes. By lunchtime I was queasy again. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Maybe I contracted some weird virus in Punta Cana. I began to worry. Getting sick was no fun when you didn’t have someone to rely on to take care of you.
My stomach felt empty from all the vomiting, so I made my way to the Student Center where there was a large food court. I had to be careful with my choice of a meal. The problem was, the thought of eating salad was making me nauseous again. I was more in the mood for a double burger with cheese and fries.
I bumped into Taylor while I was staring at my food options.
“Hey, Briar.” She waved.
“Oh, hey.”
Her face morphed from smile to concern. “Are you okay?”
I held my belly since it felt unsettled. “I’m just a little under the weather.”
“Oh no, you look pale. Have you been to the doctor?” she asked.
“I have an appointment at the campus clinic later on,” I said.
“Good, is there anything I can do to help?” she offered, which was sweet.
“I don’t know how I’ll be feeling tomorrow. How do you feel about covering my shift?” I asked.
“Honestly, it would be good for me. I ended up spending a lot more money in Punta Cana than I expected.”
“Me too.” Which was why I wasn’t in a position to be giving up shifts.
“Okay, well, you can always let me know tomorrow. You should eat something. Maybe try the minestrone soup at the Italian Eatery. It’s packed with vegetables.”
“Thanks. Maybe I will.”
“I have to run to a class. Be in touch, okay?” she said, getting ready to bolt.
“Yeah,” I sighed. I walk over to the Italian Eatery. A fresh pepperoni pizza is sitting behind the glass window, all melted cheese and steam. My stomach growls. I usually don’t allow myself to indulge in pizza, but the thought of eating a vegetable soup makes me want to hurl again.
I get a slice and sit at a table alone.
Aaron walks by my table just as I am taking a bite of pizza. “That looks good.”
“It is,” I say as I continue to bite into the slice.
Aaron’s hair is a messy flop and a piece of hair falls into his eyes. Wearing a Riverside U hoodie and a pair of worn jeans, with a knapsack slung over one shoulder, he looks like a dream.
“Do you mind if I have a seat?” he asks. He looks so good and I probably look like a pale mess.
“Go ahead.” I motion for him to sit across from me.
“The guys were grilling me about my trip. I didn’t mention anything about us though. But I did say I hooked up with a hot gymnast.” He winces.
Him calling me hot causes a blush to crawl up my cheeks.
“Okay.” I wait to see where this conversation is going.
“That’s it. I know we said we’d keep what happened in Punta Cana a secret. I told the guys who were on the trip not to mention anything to anyone about me and you hooking up,” he goes on.
“I appreciate that. Annie and Ruby were grilling me too, but I just made it sound like I hooked up with a random guy,” I say and now he winces. I don’t understand his reaction.
“Yeah, cool, okay,” he mutters. “But it wasn’t a random thing, I mean it was. . .different. . .right?”
His nervous demeanor and question throw me off. Is he saying it was more for him too?
“No, it wasn’t random. It was nice, Aaron,” I admit and that buys me a relaxed smile from him that causes my belly to flip. I shouldn’t still be reacting to him this way.
“Yeah, it was,” he agrees on an exhale that almost sounds like a pleasured sigh.
“But it’s better we move on.” I don’t have time for him. I have to stay focused.
His green eyes narrow. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Not really. I’m fighting a bug,” I admit to him.
“Shit. Sorry. Is there something I can do?” he asks.
Why does he have to be so nice?
“I’m good. I’m going to the campus clinic later. I’m sure they’ll give me some medicine or something.”
“Okay, well…” He stands awkwardly and rubs his hand down his thigh. His thick muscular thigh that causes drool to pool in my mouth. “I’ll see you around?”
“Yeah.” I nod.
Aaron takes off and I indulge in my slice of pizza. After I eat, I feel a lot better and I attend my afternoon classes.
By 4:00 p.m. I’ve checked into the clinic, and I am in a room waiting to see a doctor.
The doctor who enters the room is a man who looks to be in his mid-fifties. “Hello, Ms. Halle, I’m Dr. Sloane, what brings you in today?”
“I’ve been throwing up and I feel queasy and weak,” I explain.
“Any recent travel out of the country?” he asks.
“I was in Punta Cana over Christmas,” I explain.
“Any diarrhea, coughing, runny nose?” he asks.
“No.”
“Are you sexually active?” he asks next.
I shift a little, always feeling uncomfortable about these kinds of questions.
“Yes,” I reply, “but I’m on birth control.”
He types some notes on his computer and turns to look at me. “The fact that you don’t have diarrhea is promising because it rules out you’ve contracted a bacteria overseas. I will need you to do a urine test. I want to check for pregnancy. Once we have that ruled out, then we can move on to blood work,” he explains like it’s routine.
My eyelids flutter fast as I blink numerous times. “A pregnancy test isn’t necessary. I assure you. We can just move on to the blood work.”
Dr. Sloane’s features morph into a sympathetic smile. His eyes creasing at the corners. “I understand you didn’t plan on a pregnancy but given your symptoms, we need to rule it out. It’s not something that can be ignored.”
My breathing turns labored as I try to take a breath and I can’t. “I’m going to faint.”
He stands and moves closer to me. At the same time, he pages a nurse to come into the room. A nurse arrives in seconds. The doctor updates her on my situation.
“I’m going to give you two a few moments together,” he says. Then he looks to the nurse. “When she’s ready, I will need the test.”
The nurse nods and the doctor leaves.
“My name is Lila. I understand Dr. Sloane wants you to do a pregnancy test,” she says, waiting for an answer.
I nod. “I’m not pregnant. I’m on birth control.” I start to tear. “This can’t be happening.”
“Unplanned pregnancies are very scary, and we are here to support you. You aren’t the first student to come through these doors needing to do a test. Sometimes they are positive and sometimes they are negative, but it’s important you know either way. Whatever happens, know the university has many resources available to support you.”
“I’m a scholarship student. If I get kicked off the gymnastics team, I won’t be able to stay in school.” My panic rises like a pot boiling over.
“The NCAA will provide exceptions to students in your position. They allow you to take a leave from competing. You can also go to the financial aid office and apply for financial aid. The university has childcare on campus,” she goes on. “If your test is positive, there are ways of getting help. But before we get ahead of ourselves, why don’t you take this cup and pee in it? I’ll check the urine and we can take it from there.”
Lila is very sweet and supportive. She has a motherly quality of giving reassurance and support I’m not used to. What happens when I leave this office? I am once again on my own.
“Okay,” I agree. I take the cup and head to the restroom. My heart is beating too fast. Maybe because I know the doctor might be right. If I was sick, I’d have a temperature and diarrhea, maybe I would be coughing. The fact that eating a greasy slice of pizza made me feel better isn’t reassuring because, last time I checked, pizza doesn’t have medicinal ingredients.
Lila is waiting for me when I leave the restroom.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“I don’t know.” It’s the best I’ve got.
“Why don’t you head back to the room? I’ll check this and then Dr. Sloane and I will be in to give you the results.”
I nod and walk back to the exam room feeling numb.
A million thoughts rush through my mind. I try to plan for a positive result. Can I call mom and ask for help? Maybe dad? I would need to tell Aaron. How will he react? As it is he has so much on his plate with his mom being sick. The timing couldn’t be worse for him.
Lila and Dr. Sloane walk back into the room. My heart beats erratically as I try to read their stoic expressions.
“Ms. Halle, your test is positive. Nurse Lila is here to support you with any questions you may have. We will need to refer you to an obstetrician at the Riverside General Hospital. Nurse Lila said she mentioned some services the university offers. She can provide you with more information on your options now. I know this is scary, but the wellness clinic is here to support you. Is the father in the picture?” he then asks.
A bead of sweat pops on my forehead. “Not really.”
“I see. Okay, well, we should set you up with an ultrasound and Nurse Lila will take some initial information from you. I wish you the best of luck,” he says and then he glances to Nurse Lila with what looks like a look of concern.
The doctor leaves and Nurse Lila gets down to business. She suggests a multivitamin with folic acid that she wants me to start taking immediately. She gives me a list of foods I can’t eat. She sends a referral to the hospital for an ultrasound and doctor, and she gives me a flyer that has a bunch of phone numbers I will need that includes financial aid, student housing, therapists at the wellness center, and childcare on campus.
“If the hospital clinic doesn’t call within the next two days, give them a call. You should get that ultrasound done in the next week or so,” she says.
I nod. My mouth feels drier than the Sahara Desert.
By the time I leave the doctor’s office my head is spinning. It’s been hours since I had lunch and I’m nauseous again. I can’t afford to keep eating out so I head back to my house and eat ramen noodles, which settles my stomach somewhat.
I have homework I need to do but I can’t bring myself to focus. Instead, I go to take a warm shower. After, I get into flannel pajamas and curl on my bed and cry. It’s 10:00 p.m. by the time I’ve cried all the tears I have inside me.
I pick up my phone and call Mom. It goes to voicemail. “Hi, Mom.” My voice is scratchy. “I really need to talk to you. Something has come up and I need some help.” I don’t know why I’m bothering to call her, other than I feel desperate and lost. “Please call me back when you have a chance.”
I’m not sure Mom will call me back so I try a number I haven’t used in five years. It’s my dad’s phone number.
“Hi, Dad, this is Briar. Briar Halle, your daughter. Um, I need to talk to you. Can you please give me a call when you have a chance?”
I end the call and stare into space until I fall asleep. The next morning my alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m. I get up and get ready for practice. What am I going to do? I need to tell my coaches about the pregnancy. It’s not something I can hide. And when and how do I tell Aaron?
Since eating makes me feel better, I make myself a peanut butter and honey sandwich and it seems to settle me somewhat. I arrive to practice and Coach Ludmila watches me with eagle eyes.
“Feeling better, Briar?” she asks with her Russian accent.
“Yes,” I reply but I feel like a liar, probably because I’m lying. I’m not okay. I’m going to have to come clean. I just need time to process all this.
Coach sends me over to the floor. I take a deep breath and fly through my routine. Thankfully, I stick the tucks, which appeases her.
The rest of the day goes by in a blur. I try to calculate my due date. Since I am guessing I got pregnant around December 23rd, it means my due date will be September 28th. The start of my senior year. It means I can finish junior year. But how long will I be able to compete without my coaches knowing about my situation? I can compete this weekend for sure. I just need to make sure I eat well or maybe it won’t be enough to eat, and I’ll end up puking during the competition.
It’s all too much to process. I don’t understand how any of this happened.
I make an appointment to speak with a therapist at the wellness center, but they can only give me an appointment next week. I head to the rest of my classes and at night I get ready for my shift at Black Jack’s. Taylor messaged me about taking my shift, but I need all the money I can get. Neither of my parents have gotten back to me, but it can take Mom a couple of weeks to return my calls.
Black Jack’s is busy tonight. In a way it’s good because my mind is distracted. I worry Aaron might walk in tonight, and I’m not ready to see him. Not yet. After my shift, I head out to my car. It’s snowing and the weather is crummy. I scrape the snow off my windows and drive home. When I get home, I take a quick shower, slip on pj’s, and sit at the little desk in my room to google everything I need to know about pregnancy. I know I could give the baby away for adoption or get an abortion, but something inside me feels connected to this little nugget
inside me. My parents were awful parents. I don’t know if I have the means to take care of this child. What about gymnastics, the Olympics, and law school? Maybe I’ll have to give it all up to take care of this nugget. When I start yawning, I move to the bed and pass out. Things always look brighter in the morning.