4. Kareem #3
“Okay, you go first. Put it all out there. Say what you gotta say.”
Air fled my nostrils as I tried to organize my thoughts. “I may not have intended to get you pregnant, shawty, but I’m not an unintentional ass nigga. I wanna be a father. Ain’t no wiggle room in that for me.”
“Okay, and I’m not negating that. I want to know how , Kareem. We have the who, the what, the when, and the why, but not the how, which is the most important part. How is this going to work?”
“Stay here with me.”
“ Here ? Kareem, my whole life is in Florida. I can’t uproot and move to another country on an entirely different continent. Be serious. I need a support system. When my sister finds out, she’ll probably want to quit her job and move in with me.”
“It doesn’t have to be here, Sawyer. We can go anywhere in the world but America.”
She shook her head. “That won’t work for me. I’m sorry. We can work something out once the baby comes. You can FaceTime us as much as you?—”
I cut her off. “FaceTime? Girl, get the fuck outta here with that before you piss me the fuck off.I ain’t got no plans on being a FaceTime father that my kid only sees now and again. I’ve seen that shit firsthand with my twin, and it doesn’t sit right with me.”
“I’m already sacrificing my body, and now you want me to give up my life too? How is that fair?”
My eyes rolled skyward. “There you go with the drama.”
“It’s not drama, Kareem. It’s reality. Be for real.
It’s not like you’re asking me to move from one city to another.
Uprooting my life during such a crazy time feels disruptive.
This is Brazil, Kareem. I don’t know anybody here.
What are the doctors like? Where are the hospitals?
There are just too many uncertainties. And then what if the baby is born here?
Does that mean I can’t take it back into the U.S.
because it won’t be a citizen? There’s no safety net for me here. ”
“I can’t replicate what you have in Florida, but I can give you all of me. We can make something of our own here . . . or anywhere but the U.S., like I said.”
Her forehead creased. “You keep saying that like it’s that easy.
Like it’ll be easy to live life with a newborn on the run.
This is the U.S. fucking government you’re fucking with, Kareem.
Not to mention my entire life. I have a career that I love.
I’ve been going to the same gynecologist since I moved to Florida.
She knows my history. I have a dog, a lease, a fucking routine!
You’re just casually asking me to give all that up—for what? A maybe?”
I cocked my head to the side, reading between the lines. “Is this really about the baby, or about our future? Because I’m trying to give you a family and you’re telling me you wanna do this alone.”
Sawyer’s shoulders slumped. “I’m not saying I don’t want us to be a family, Kareem. I don’t wanna do this alone. But I also need to feel safe. And right now, Florida is that place for me.”
“You don’t feel safe with me?”
She paused. “I didn’t mean?—”
I swung my head. “Nah, shawty. I got you.”
Sawyer let out a frustrated huff. “I’m not choosing Florida over you, Kareem. I’m choosing consistency over confusion. That’s not the same thing.”
“You run your mouth about support systems like I’m not one. Like I wouldn’t move mountains for you now that you’re carrying my baby, shawty.”
“I know you would, Kareem. But even Superman has limits.”
I turned away from her for a second, staring out into the ocean before closing my eyes and counting backward from ten.
I was trying to rely on techniques to calm the Tasmanian devil inside me that was always ready to go from zero to a life sentence.
I wouldn’t say it out loud, but there was this annoying, insecure feeling fluttering around my head about not being “enough” to make her choose me.
I knew I was asking for a lot, but I was willing to give as much as I was asking her to, if not more.
But she wasn’t even considering what I had in Rio as a viable option.
It brought a totally different energy into the room—one that I wasn’t fuckin’ feeling.
“Why do you get to be the only one who decides what’s best?” I questioned.
“Because I’m the one carrying the kid. I win by default.”
I scoffed. “So that’s what this is about? Power? Because I thought it was supposed to be about what was best for the baby.”
“I am doing what’s best for the baby, Kareem. The only reason I came here was that I felt you deserved to know, but I never intended to move here.”
“Listen, I know I can’t come to you at the snap of a finger.
For the last three months, I’ve racked my brain day and night trying to figure out a way back to you until it got to the point where I was okay with you going on with your life without me.
Now that I know you’ve got my baby, I can’t stand watching you build a life without me, shawty, but if you won’t even think about coming here to be with a nigga .
. . I can’t change your mind. I don’t want you to resent me. ”
“I will if I move here.”
I sighed. “So, what now? I don’t want my legal issues to be the reason I’m axed out of my kid’s life forever.”
“Axed out? Who’s being dramatic now, Kareem? I never said I was excluding you from anything. I just told you I wasn’t moving here.”
“Then what other option is there, shawty? You ain’t giving me nothing else to work with.”
Sawyer shook her head. “You know what? This was a bad idea.I see that now.”
My eyebrows creased. “What? Are you serious right now?” I snapped, realizing not all demons had horns. Some of them mothafuckas had box braids and bad attitudes for no goddamn reason.
“Yeah, Kareem. It’s clear we’re not going to find common ground on this. And I’m not trying to stay here for five or six more days beating a dead horse. I’d rather leave.”
“Leave? Chill out with the theatrics. If you want me to dick you down again, just say that.”
She scoffed. “Everything can’t be solved with sex, Kareem. And these are my feelings, not yours. If I wanna leave, that’s exactly what the fuck I’ll do.”
I cracked a slight smile. “Yo, you’ve got some intense feelings this morning, shawty. You need a ginger shot? Need a nigga to rearrange your chakras? Say the word, and I gotchu.”
Her face balled up in disgust. “Shut the fuck up, Kareem. I’m being serious, and you’re sitting over there playing.”
“Whatchu mad at me for?”
“Because all of this is too much. It’s been too much from the very beginning. I thought coming here and telling you would somehow lighten the load, but it’s only made it heavier, and I want to leave.”
“Sawyer, I?—”
“Now, Kareem. I want to leave now,” she replied, cutting me off as she shot up from the table.
She took one step toward the door before clamping a hand over her mouth. Her eyes popped wide as she raced toward the door. She didn’t make it inside before doubling over the side of the balcony and throwing up the fresh fruit she’d barely digested.
My chair scraped backward immediately. “Don’t worry, shawty. I gotchu.”
I scooped her into my arms, cradling her like a brand new bride. Her face was clammy with cold sweat, and her breath was shallow as she wiped the corners of her mouth. I carried her straight into the bathroom, nudging the door open with my foot, and set her gently on the edge of the sink.
Without speaking, I turned on the sink and wet a washcloth with cold water before wiping her forehead and around her mouth to cool her down.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, my voice softer. “Stay.”
“Kareem . . . I can’t,” she replied. “All I want is a peaceful pregnancy. I can’t have that here.”
Sawyer eased off the countertop and left the bathroom.
I remained there, rooted to the spot. A part of me wanted to chase after her.
To stop her. To tell her she was making a big mistake.
But the other part of me knew better. It knew in some alternate reality she was better off without me and my shit dragging her down.
She and the kid too. If a peaceful pregnancy was what she wanted, then that’s what she’d get . . . without me.
It was time for me to lie in the bed I’d made for myself and face the reality that I may never meet the baby I created, but at least I knew it would have an amazing mom.
If there was anything I’d learned from this situation, it was that trouble was easy to get into and hard as a mothafucka to get out of.