5. Sawyer
Sawyer
O ne month later.
I was in and out of Brazil in less than forty-eight hours, and Kareem didn’t stop me.
I still hadn’t processed how I felt about that.
Or the fact that I hadn’t heard from him since.
On the one hand, I missed him; on the other, I couldn’t help but feel like his silence was the best thing for both of us.
In his presence, I was too emotionally unavailable to have the conversation he wanted to have, and we both knew it.
It was one thing to know my body, but what Kareem was asking for was different.
He wanted to build a life with me. He wanted a family, to know my heart, to see me in ways I wasn’t sure I could afford to have him weaponize against me later. So, I left.
Walking away from him was hard, especially now that he knew about the baby.
But I had to do what was best for us in the long run.
I’d never forget him, though. Gemini men were crack, plain and simple.
One hit, and I was ready to start doing the chicken head down the interstate in a fur coat and some rainboots for that nigga.
I sighed, pushing thoughts of him to the side as I sat alone in the waiting room at my OB’s office.
My legs were crossed at the ankles, and my right hand lay over the very noticeable curve of my belly.
After a ten-minute wait, a nurse called me back.
I followed a few steps behind her into an exam room down the hall.
There was a rack on the wall with various pamphlets on topics ranging from family planning to menopause, and a framed photo of a Caucasian family of four playing together on a beach.
“Welcome to your twenty-week appointment and the halfway point. How are you feeling today?”
I forced a soft smile as my shoulders rose and fell with a heavy shrug. “Alright, I guess. As long as crying at a red light because I dropped my French fry between the seat and eating popcorn on top of a blueberry waffle for breakfast is considered alright,” I answered with a slight chuckle.
The nurse laughed, then pointed at the exam table. “Let’s take a look at your little one. Do you want to know the sex today if they will give us a good look?”
I hesitated for a second, considering whether I wanted to know or not. I figured learning the sex could be the boost I needed to put me in a good mood, so I nodded. “Sure. Let’s do it.”
“Alright.”
I lay back and lifted my shirt high enough to expose my stomach. She applied the cold gel to my belly and then glided the wand over it to locate the baby. My eyes were glued to the monitor as she checked the baby’s heartbeat. It was strong and fast.
“There’s your precious baby. Looks like . . . she’s going to be a little Simone Biles the way she’s doing all those gymnastics in there.”
I laughed softly, tears prickling at the corners of my eyes—a girl. I was going to be a girl mom.
The nurse smiled at me. “Your baby girl is healthy and growing on track. Would you like a printout?”
I nodded eagerly before gently wiping away the gel. “Yes, please.”
As happy as I was to hear that the baby was healthy and to learn that I was having a baby girl, I still couldn’t help but think about Kareem and how beautiful our daughter would be.
After seeing the doctor and confirming that everything with the baby was good, I left my appointment with a smile on my face.
I stepped outside into the November sun with my heart stillhammering from learning I was having a baby girl.
I held the updated sonogram photo as if it were my best-kept secret.
In a way, it was. At least until I made it to Tampa for Friendsgiving with my girls and revealed the truth.
Soleil was coming down to Jacksonville for Christmas, and I planned to surprise her then.
As my big sister, she could always tell when something was off with me, but she still hadn’t guessed about my pregnancy.
I took one last look at the photo and pressed it to my chest before easing it into my purse and pulling out the half-eaten protein bar I started on the way to my appointment.
My phone vibrated almost simultaneously as I continued to my car.
I saw Soleil’s name on the screen and swiped to accept her FaceTime call. After a few seconds, her face appeared.
“What’s up, ugly?” I quizzed, eyeing her messy bun and square-framed glasses. “Where you at?”
“The same place I’m always at around this time during the school year, dummy. In my classroom.”
I scoffed. “ Tuh . My mama ain’t raise no dummy, and if she did, it was you. Not me,” I retorted before taking a bite of my proteinbar.
“Whatever. You look different.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were glowing.”
“That’s just that Fenty highlighter. You know RiRi had to put on for the gwols.”
“You sure that’s all?”
I playfully rolled my eyes. “What else would there be?”
She shrugged before taking a sip of her iced coffee from her favorite coffee shop. “I don’t know. Maybe meditation, or you’re fucking a yoga instructor.”
I giggled. “Notmeditating, anddefinitely not fucking ayogainstructor.I don’t even know any male yoga instructors anyway. Do you?”
“I ain’t say it was a man.” She giggled with a wink.
I laughed. “Shut up.”
“Then what is it? It’s gotta be something more than makeup.”
“I’m telling you it’s nothing besides the fact that I’m God’s favorite. That, and this good ol’ Floridian air.”
“Ew. You and I know damn well the air ain’t that damn fresh out there.”
I shifted the phone slightly, adjusting the angle so my belly stayed out of frame. “Whatever, Soleil. Whatchu want, bighead?”
She quietly side-eyed me for a few seconds before speaking. “It’s giving your ass is hiding something, and I don’t like it.”
I smirked. “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not,” I teased as I eased into the driver’s seat.
“Since when did you get good at hiding secrets? Your can’t hold water head ass used to break the minute I looked at you funny. And where are you? Why aren’t you at work right now?”
“Oh my God, can you chill? I just had a check-up. Nothing serious.”
Soleil faked a gasp. “You’re about to kick the fucking bucket, aren’t you?”
“Nobody’s dying, ho. It’s called being a grown ass woman and taking care of myself like I’m supposed to.”
“Mmhm. Well, excuse me. What did the doctor say? They give you a good bill of health?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Good, because you look happy.”
I nodded slowly. “Thanks. I . . . am.”
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving next week?”
“I’m meeting up with Brit and Kaneesha. We’re doing our traditional Friendsgiving in Tampa at Brit’s place this year.”
“So, basically, like a makeup for the Fourth of July?”
I nodded. “Yeah, pretty much. What are your plans?”
“Same ol’ same ol’, driving up to Virginia to Mommy’s house. As much as I need a break from sweet potato pies and fried turkeys, I need a break from these bad ass kids more. They’re giving us the whole week off this year, and I’m getting the hell out of here on Friday.”
I chuckled. “I know that’s right. I have to call Mommy back.”
“Yeah, you do. She tells me all the time I’m her favorite child because I’m the only one who returns her calls on time.”
I playfully rolled my eyes skyward as I started to drive. “Whatever. I’m her baby girl. She’ll always have a soft spot for me.”
“Yeah, yeah. Call me later. And next time, hold the side of Scooby Doo mystery when I call your ass, okay? I’m your big sister, you troll. I’m allowed to know things.”
“When there’s something to know, you’ll know, okay?”
“Fine. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Love you three,” she replied with a smile before ending the call.
One week later.
What started as a three-hour drive to Tampa turned into more like four and a half, thanks to traffic and my frequent stops for bathroom breaks.
It got to the point where I strongly considered buying a pack of Depends and let whatever was going to happen, happen.
I hadn’t made the long drive since Fourth of July weekend with Kareem and his brother in tow.
But this time, my body felt much different.
It was almost like I was driving with an invisible passenger in the car.
“Okay, road trip playlist. Hit me with some nostalgic shit,” I muttered, switching from my favorite podcast to music.
I was in the mood to hear something that reminded me of my early twenties—my college days, when all I had to worry about was getting into the club while it was free before eleven and having a few dollars to grab some fries off the dollar menu after the let-out to soak up the alcohol.
All before I lost my damn mind, had freaky sex with a felon, and became someone’s baby mama.
I couldn’t help but wonder what my friends would say when the truth came out.
There would be screaming. Or crying. Or both at the same time.
Our trio could go from deep conversation to roasting each other in seconds, so really anything could happen.
Damn, I hope they don’t get all snotty and emotional.
I didn’t bring tissues. Should I have brought something besides the pie to tell them about the news, like a baby onesie that said ‘hey auntie’ like Killmonger did in Black Panther?
I wondered, glancing over at my sweet potato masterpiece strapped into the passenger seat.
Too late now. Just let it happen naturally, raw and uncut.
My thoughts drifted to the three of us standing around Brit’s kitchen.
The minute one of them offered me a glass of wine and I declined, I knew it would only be a matter of time before someone connected the dots.
Telling them about the baby would probably be the easy part.
It was telling them about Kareem that would do me in.
Fuck. I’m supposed to be the responsible one. I hope they see me the same and don’t judge me too hard.