Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
Lennix
Something was wrong. I paced back and forth, my animals watching me anxiously as I did, including Daisy, who I wasn’t in the mood to scold.
Raylan should have been home hours ago. The sky was dark outside, so there was no way he was out on an excursion with any lodge guests. Out of everyone obsessed with my safety, he was the worst, so I knew that if something was keeping him from being here, it had to be something big.
I lifted my phone and checked my texts for the five-hundredth time in the past ten minutes.
Nothing. All of my texts had gone unanswered.
The read receipt hadn’t even popped up, and any time I tried to call, it went straight to voicemail.
The more time that passed without hearing from him, the worse my panic got.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I said to Pirate.
“I feel that condescending stare of yours.” I was losing it, arguing with my damn cat like he was a person.
“You know, my brother was right, you’re a bit of an asshole.
Don’t sit there, with your judgy cat eyes, judging me.
” I jabbed my finger in his direction. “You better remember who feeds you.”
Just then, my cell started to ring. “Oh, thank god,” I wheezed out. But when I looked at the screen and saw Holly’s name, I couldn’t help but deflate a bit. Shaking that off, I swiped to answer and brought it to my ear. “Hey, sweetie. How are you?”
“Lenni, is Raylan there?”
My back shot straight at the worry in her tone. “No. Why? Is everything okay?”
Her sniffle was answer enough, but she still said, “We’ve been calling and calling, but he wouldn’t pick up, and now it’s going straight to voicemail, like he’s turned it off. I was hoping he was at your place.”
“He’s not. Holl, what’s going on?”
“Gypsy called us all over today to tell us that she found out Danny, our sperm donor . . . well, he-he died, Len.”
Her answer sucked all the air from my lungs and the room around me. “Oh, my god,” I whispered. “Holly, I’m so sorry.”
She sniffled again. “It’s okay. Really. I mean, it’s sad, but not the way you might think. I was so little when they left us, I barely even remember them, and what I do remember . . . it isn’t good.”
“I know, sweetie,” I said soothingly. I knew all about the worthless wastes of space that were their biological parents.
The Bradbury clan hadn’t missed out on much, not having them around.
Honestly, I knew they’d grown up better off without them.
That didn’t mean the shadow of them didn’t lurk, and they didn’t occasionally feel the pang of not being loved enough by the two people who should have loved them unconditionally.
“It’s a little sad to hear that he died alone.” I let out a sympathetic hiss. “Lenni, he didn’t have anyone. I mean, he’d been gone for days before he was finally found. I’d be sad for anyone under those circumstances. I’m only human.”
“Honey, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I get it. You have a good heart.”
“Thanks.” I could hear the smile in her voice at that one word. “Anyway, Raylan got all weird at the news and took off.”
A painful wrenching pulled in my chest. “What do you mean he got weird?”
“I can’t explain it,” she answered. “He got really pale and quiet. It was like his eyes went blank. Then he said he didn’t care and took off. Now none of us can reach him.”
My heart broke for him, and I wanted nothing more than to go to him, to hold him and make it better. “I’ll go look for him,” I insisted.
“Lenni.” That one word was said with equal amounts of relief and worry. “Are you sure that’s safe?”
“I won’t leave the ranch, Holl, I promise. I’m perfectly safe here.”
The gust of air that carried across the line told me just how grateful she was. “Thank you.”
“Of course. I’ll text you with updates.”
I hung up, shoved the phone in my pocket, and jumped into motion.
The walk from my house to the barn by the lodge where Raylan lived wasn’t exactly close, but it was walkable.
However, I wasn’t going to waste any time with that.
Instead, I snatched up my keys and ran out the front door to my car.
Thanks to a heavy foot, I made it to the barn in five minutes.
The breath I’d been holding came back as soon as I spotted his truck in its usual spot.
The barn was shut down for the evening, all the grooms and hands gone for the night, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me as I took the stairs up to his small apartment two at a time.
Not that I gave much of a shit. I was so worried about Raylan, I couldn’t have cared less if someone saw me and started talking.
I beat my knuckles against the door and leaned in close, straining to listen for any signs of life from the other side. There was nothing. I knocked again, harder that time. There was a distinct thud from the other side of the door, but it didn’t open.
“Raylan, it’s me,” I called out. “I know you’re in there.”
His voice was faint, but I heard, “Go home, Lennix.” The relief I felt at hearing his voice and knowing he wasn’t lying in a ditch somewhere immediately gave way to concern.
Over the past several weeks, he’d taken to calling me by my name less and less.
It was usually baby or Chaos. On the rare occasion he used it, he’d shorten it to Lenni like most other people.
I could barely recall the last time he used my full name, and something about it made my blood turn cold.
“I’m not going home until I see for myself that you’re okay.”
“Go. Home.”
Fuck that. Reaching for the knob, I gave it a twist, found it unlocked, and threw it open. He wouldn’t let me in? Fine, I’d let my own damn self in.
I scanned the tiny apartment for the man who owned my heart, and when I spotted him slumped on the ground near one of the only two windows in the place, I broke all over again.
He was sitting with his back pressed against the wall, his forearms draped over his bent knees.
He had a whiskey bottle dangling from his left hand by the neck.
I didn’t know how full it had been when he started, but it was only a quarter full now.
“Oh, baby.” I moved quickly to close the distance between us, but before I could reach him, he shot up from the floor, moving faster than I thought possible, given how glassy his eyes were.
From that and the flush to his cheeks, I had a feeling the bottle had been closer to full than not when he started.
I slowly reached my hand toward him. “Raylan, are you okay?”
His face was a blank mask, not a single thing giving away what he was feeling. His eyes looked vacant. I looked deep, trying to find . . . anything, but there was nothing there.
“I told you to go home.” My eyes narrowed as I turned to follow him with my gaze as he pushed past me and stomped toward the tiny kitchenette near the door.
He tossed the bottle into the sink, the glass rattling around against the metal basin.
When he turned to face me once more, I saw that his eyes were no longer empty, but what was there didn’t make me feel any better.
They’d gone so cold they were downright frigid, sending a shiver down my spine.
The blue was more like ice than the swirling metal I was so used to.
“Not to break into my goddamn house, where you’re not welcome. ”
I felt my stubbornness rise to the surface and slammed my hands down on my hips.
“Stop it,” I clipped. “I know you’re going through something really heavy right now, and I get that.
I even understand that your emotions are probably all over the place.
But that doesn’t give you the right to talk to me like that. ”
He braced his short counter that barely separated the open space into separate rooms, and glared at me. “Then maybe you should do what I suggested, and leave.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and dug my heels in. “I’m not leaving. Holly called me in a panic because you stormed out and none of them could reach you. You’ve got them all worried.”
He had a reaction to that. Finally. He dropped his head, but not before I caught the flash of shame that pinched his features.
“I’ll call her back,” he said in a low monotone. “I didn’t mean to make them worry. I just need some space.”
My rising anger gave way to sympathy. “Raylan.” I said his name in a hushed voice as I crossed the room.
I wanted to wrap him in the tightest hug, but that would probably only make things worse, so I kept that dinky half counter between us.
He wanted space, fine, but that was all I would allow him when he was obviously hurting as badly as he was. “I’m so sorry about your dad.”
His head shot back up, his eyes like daggers as he glowered. “He wasn’t my dad,” he barked. “And I’m fine, all right? I just want to be left alone.”
“Don’t do that,” I whispered, pleading. “Don’t shut me out. Talk to me, please. I want to help you. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. I know you weren’t close, but he was still your father. It’s okay for this to hurt.”
He smacked the countertop so hard the sound ricochetted through the space, bouncing off the walls and making me jump. “I don’t give a shit that he’s dead,” he barked.
“Then what is it?” I threw my hands out at my sides, my own voice rising. “If you don’t care that he’s dead, what is it you’re so upset about?”
“I’m upset because I’m just like that fucking bastard,” he shouted, his words causing every muscle in my body to seize up in shock. At that admission, his big, strong frame sagged like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“What?”
When he spoke again, his voice was dripping with disdain. For himself. “It’s true. I’m exactly like him.”
I gaped at him, my mouth falling open. “How could you possibly think you’re anything like that man.”