Chapter 31 #2
“Because he told me himself.” When he finally looked back at me, he looked desolate.
“I never told anyone this, but I found him about six years ago.” Oh god, this was going to be bad.
“It was a total coincidence. I was in Vegas for a bachelor party, and there he was.” He let out a humorless laugh and shook his head.
“Sitting there, gambling, without a fuckin’ care in the world.
He knew exactly who I was when I confronted him.
I lost my cool and punched him right in the face.
I would have beat the living shit out of him if my buddies and security hadn’t pulled me off him, and as they were dragging me away, he just kept smilin’ that disgusting smile and saying I was just like him. A chip off the old block.”
“Raylan. He was wrong,” I insisted. “He was so wrong. You are nothing like that man.”
“I have him inside me, Lennix. That darkness that was in him, that made him such a miserable bastard he died alone in a fucking dive motel, left to rot for days because there was no one to give a shit, that’s inside me.
” He pounded his fist against his chest. “Don’t you get it?
That’s why I can’t give you what you want.
Why I can’t be the kind of man you deserve.
” Suddenly so many things started to make sense.
Answers to questions I hadn’t had the courage to ask fell into place like puzzle pieces, and the image they revealed was heartbreaking.
Hot tears crowded my eyes. “Raylan, that’s not true. You give me exactly what I want every single day.”
He shook his head, sorrow twisting his features. “It won’t last. It can’t. If I let you in like that I’ll just end up hurting you the same way he hurt all of us. And I don’t want to do that to you, Chaos. I can’t. I couldn’t live with myself.”
God, it felt like my heart was being ripped in half. Like I was standing there with a big, gaping wound in my chest. “You wouldn’t do that.”
“You can’t know that!”
“Yes, I can!” I shouted back. Something inside of me snapped.
I wasn’t only heartbroken, I was pissed.
“I know because of how you’ve treated me that past two months.
I know because, despite all the sneaking around and lying, you’ve been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.
I know because I’m so in love with you, sometimes it physically hurts. ” I clutched at my chest for emphasis.
His eyes widened, stark terror shining through. “God, Chaos, don’t say that. You don’t love me. You can’t.”
“Well too goddamn bad, because I do. I’m in love with you, Raylan.
And if you were anything like that piece of shit, that wouldn’t be possible.
I love you because I see you for exactly the kind of man you are.
” I couldn’t stand the distance between us for another second.
Rounding the counter, I came up to him and placed my hand on his chest, right over his rapidly beating heart.
“My parents raised me to never settle, to know my worth and what I deserve, and what I deserve is you.”
His hands came up, his fingers wrapping around my wrist and pressing it harder against him, even as his expression grew bleak. “Chaos, I—I can’t. I’m sorry. If I let this go any further, I’ll break you.”
A rush of pure rage washed over me, and I yanked my hand away after giving him a hard-enough shove he rocked back on one foot.
“You can’t break me, Raylan. Because I’m too fucking strong for that.
Can you hurt me? Yes. Can you piss me off to the point I see red?
Uh, all the goddamn time. But you. Can’t.
Break. Me. No one can. I know exactly what I’m made of and how strong I am.
You think I fell for you randomly? That it just happened?
Raylan, I chose you, and the fact you don’t see that is insulting. ”
“Baby—”
I held my hand up to silence him. “No, you said your piece. You got to talk out of your ass and make your excuses. I stood here and listened to you have your pity party. Now it’s my turn to talk.”
He nodded, stiffening his shoulders like he was bracing himself for a devastating blow.
“I know the kind of man you are because I know the woman who raised you. You think you’re incapable of being loved because you have that man’s DNA in you?
Well, so does Gypsy. So does Rhodes and Sunny.
And look at them. You think they’re any less deserving of love just because of who they came from? ”
“No. Of course not!”
“Then what makes you so different, huh?” He couldn’t answer.
His mouth opened, but no words were spoken because they didn’t exist. “You’ve avoided commitment your whole life because you’re scared.
Not because there’s some piece of Danny fucking Bradbury in you.
You’re terrified of being hurt again the way your parents hurt you.
But at some point, you either have to grow a freaking pair or let it eat you alive.
” I could feel myself fading as I poured out everything I’d been holding inside for the past two months.
It was like the energy was being drained right out of me.
Taking a step back, I let the disappointment I felt shine through, clear as day.
“I love you with everything I am, but I can’t be the only one fighting for this.
” I waved a hand between us. “You need to decide for yourself whether or not you’re going to fight.
I hope you make the right decision, because I’m worth it. And I know I can make you happy.”
“Christ, baby. You’re killing me.” He took a step closer, but I matched it, moving back. “Just, please . . . Let me hold you.”
I shook my head again as I forced the tears to stay back.
“Sober up first. Then we’ll talk.” I turned and reached for the door, but before I left him, I said one last thing.
“I told you I deserve you. But what you need to know is that you deserve me too, Raylan. If you sabotage that, you’ll only have yourself to blame. ”
With that, I left. I shot a text to Holly, letting her know that Raylan was at home and okay, just so they could stop worrying, then I drove away.
And I managed to keep the tears at bay until I got home, where I could cuddle up with my pets who loved me no matter what. Only then did I let them fall.