Chapter 47
So, I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but …
Hannah noticed that some of Ed’s words had been crossed out and scribbled over ’til whatever had been there was completely illegible as if he’d needed to get his thoughts in order before he continued.
I can’t believe I’m writing this, but here we are. Seems I have a dilemma of my own.
Smiling with anticipation and no small part curiosity, she took the note over to the sofa, tucking her legs beneath her to get comfortable. It felt good to have something different to focus on, after the turmoil of the last week.
Following their ‘moment’ in the park, Ward had once again clammed up, retreated back into himself , and had been formal and distant with her ever since. Pretty much back to how he used to be when she’d first encountered him.
What’s worse, it seemed someone from the paparazzi had spotted the two of them slink out of the Plaza separately and nabbed a shot of them heading into the park in the darkness, the online gossip sites running the headline Back in the Den – Returning Panther McKenzie Scores with Mystery Woman , beneath a grainy shot of her leading him down the steps.
While his face was clear beneath the street lights, luckily Hannah was slightly ahead of him and in side profile, and thus pretty much unrecognizable to anyone other than herself, thank goodness. And Zoe, of course, who was having a field day teasing her ever since.
Having made some meaningful inroads at work recently, the last thing Hannah needed was a misstep like this to undermine her.
She and Ward hadn’t spoken again of that night though, other than she reiterating that the plan hadn’t changed and that going back to the Panthers under Jefferson Prince did not mean an automatic return to his old self-destructive ways.
But he remained unconvinced and, she guessed, still a little embarrassed (or maybe even annoyed?) following her brush off. But how could she complain since she was the one who’d insisted on professional boundaries? To his credit, he’d insisted on seeing her off safely in a cab once they were back on the street, uttering a low-key goodbye and another apology as she drove off and he waited to catch the next.
It all felt like such a mess once again though, as if she and Ward were right back at square one. To say nothing of the fact that the New York office was busier than she could have imagined, with more client demands piling up by the day.
So to say she welcomed any opportunity for distraction from work pressure was an understatement.
As you can probably tell, I’ve been on my own for a while. Not alone per se but … well, you know. Nothing lasts forever. Life had other plans. Always does, regardless of what we want or hope. And after the last time, I pretty much figured that stuff – relationship stuff – wouldn’t happen again for me.
Hannah read the paragraph again and put a hand over her heart, touched by his candour. Was he divorced? A widower, maybe? she pondered, suddenly imagining Ed in his wheelchair in the cemetery reverently laying flowers on a grave.
Life had other plans . . .
Her thoughts again drifted to her grandfather. He had outlived Hannah’s grandmother by years. They had been together since they were teenagers and had married after he returned from a military stint during the Second World War. Married for almost seventy years with five children and a slew of great-grandchildren including herself, and with family around them at all times. Neither had been lonely at the end – not by a stretch. And they had been the love of each other’s lives; Granddad certainly hadn’t been looking for a second shot at romance when he was in his nineties.
So clearly Ed wasn’t of similar age to her grandfather, nor as old and frail as she’d assumed.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I met someone special, and thought I was reading the signals right, but it’s a mess
Who was this woman? she wondered then, enjoying the mystery. Someone he met at the doctor’s office or the hospital? Maybe a widow or divorcee who lived in the building? Or maybe even his nurse? Hannah’s mind swam with possibilities.
The note continued, We haven’t known each other that long. Truthfully, we come from completely different worlds …
Again, he’d written a few more words before crossing them out and scribbling over them. Evidently, he had a lot on his mind and wasn’t sure how to articulate those thoughts as they came.
Me being me, of course, I started things off on the wrong foot.
‘Of course, you did …’ She smiled, reminded of their own bumpy start.
That being said, I really don’t know what to do at this point. I care a lot about her and want to tell her how I feel. But I would hate to show my interest in someone like her and not have it reciprocated, which is the most likely outcome. She’s pretty incredible and I’m afraid of looking stupid.
‘So you think she’s too good for you? I’m sure that’s not true.’
Goes without saying I’m out of practice with this stuff, and the older you get the harder it seems to be.
In her mind’s eye, Hannah tried to picture Ed and his wife – a long-married couple who expected to be together forever. Until forever didn’t happen and now he lived alone in their home in a very different world.
But new relationships were harrowing no matter what age you were, she reflected wryly. She shuddered at the thought of still having to try to navigate this stuff in her advancing years. Terrifying.
So this time, I guess it’s me asking for some advice. How do I not make a fool out of myself?
The last question made Hannah laugh out loud. She was the last person he should be asking this.
No pressure. I just figured I might be able to benefit from some female insight since I truly don’t seem to know what I’m doing and which end is up.
How to tell him that I don’t know what I’m doing either, she pondered.
She was flattered that he had come to her for advice in return though. The anonymity of their back-and-forth conversations allowed an intimacy that she was certain wouldn’t have been possible had she and Ed ever met face to face.
Jumping off the stool, she went to seek out her pad of paper and a pen.
‘OK, Ed, I’ll try my best,’ she mumbled, aware of the irony of trying to give relationship advice to a senior, while her own experiences in that regard were always a raging disaster.
What was that saying again? Ah, yes … those who can’t do, teach.
And with that, Hannah started writing.
Firstly let me say that I’m flattered that you thought to approach me for advice in return. Though I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through life on your own for a while … loss of any kind is so painful. However, it’s exciting that you’ve met someone you feel you’d like to get to know better.
Hannah wondered momentarily if the woman in question was, in fact, his nurse or carer which might make things very awkward for him if she shot him down. Better not to overanalyze and just keep the advice general and unspecific.
And good on you for potentially putting yourself out there. Though I know it can be scary, too … and believe me, I understand how hard it is to face the risk of rejection. Let me begin by reminding you there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to love – and I have had my share of relationship disasters. So I’m by no means an expert (putting that disclaimer out there just in case).
However, I think that if you approach this or any situation from an honest place, that’s always good. Authenticity in anyone – male or female – is appealing and I’ve learned through experience to run a mile from anyone who pretends to be someone they’re not. From what I already know about you, I can tell that you already live by this rule. And while it’s good to speak your mind and be able to come straight out and articulate what you want, I do think that when it comes to matters of the heart, we all do better by treading a little more carefully …
Hannah grimaced, trying her best not to sound blunt.
Feels to me that if you communicate openly and honestly, and aren’t sending too many mixed signals, the object of your affection will quickly figure out that you can be trusted. And that after all is the basis of any great relationship.
And once trust and respect is established, I think you can risk being a little braver or bold. Fortune favours the brave. Get her attention by doing something that catches her eye … but don’t try too hard either.
Rob popped into Hannah’s brain unbidden then, and she reviewed the previous statement before adding to it.
But under no circumstances do anything self-serving. You can be bold without making the other person feel awkward or on the spot … or worse, embarrassed. No faster way to send someone scurrying in the opposite direction.
‘Or the other side of the country,’ she muttered wryly.
I’m going out on a limb since I don’t know any background but I’m assuming you run in similar circles and have some shared interests. Always remember to respect space and boundaries.
Ultimately, I think if you approach the situation with the best of intentions (as I’m sure you will) and take your time, it’s likely that when you finally do pluck up the courage to take things further, you’ll have success. And even if you don’t, you can walk away knowing that you did everything right, and were true to yourself. Kind and respectful, a true gentleman. While you think the rules might have changed since the last time you put yourself out there, no matter what age you are, the basics truly haven’t. Deep down, everybody just wants someone to love and cherish, and to get the same in return. What you seem to have forgotten, is that you already know you’re capable of achieving that.
Hannah smiled then, deciding to call on the ever-reliable advice of her own long-time fictional mentor, which she felt was perfectly suited for the task at hand.
Now go boldly and make it so.