Chapter 4
FOUR
Cason hates my guts. As he should.
It doesn’t surprise me that he already has a cold view of the world. No one we know has ever changed. Well, if they did change, they only got worse. He’s fifteen now and has grown a whole hell of a lot.
I still see the young, vulnerable kid there, but he’s been hardened by time around the edges. God knows how many times he had to clean up after our mother in the four years after I left. That was always my job. And. I. Left.
I sit next to Phillip in the van, while Cason sits in the way back as far away from me as he can get. He thinks I’m a fuckup. That’s all he can see me as, and I can’t blame him one bit. I did fuck up. Over and over.
We made a pact when we were younger. Raegan, him, and me. We promised we’d never be like Mom, and then I went and got hooked on anything I could find that would numb me a little bit.
Guilt soars through me, but I try my best not to show it. I don’t apologize because nothing I say is going to matter, and I don’t really want to be forgiven. I want to feel every ounce of their pain and maybe have a chance of taking some of it on myself.
We pull up to a little white house in the burbs—it looks nice from the outside, but I don’t trust it. Some of the nicest houses have dark, dirty secrets.
“Raegan?” I look over at Phillip, who nods his head in answer.
“This is the Connor family, an older couple who couldn’t have kids of their own. They’re one of my favorites.”
I hear Cason snort angrily. “I’m sure you’re an excellent judge of character. But go get my sister out of there.”
My eyes snap back to Cason, trying to tell him to cool it with the look, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t respect me at all, just glares back at me with cold hatred.
Phillip doesn’t engage and instead opens his door. “You’re both welcome to come with me.”
“Fuck no,” Cason says and crosses his arms over his chest, and I sigh heavily, feeling his anguish from here—knowing the anger he’s using to mask his pain won’t do anything but eat him alive.
I climb out of the van and follow Phillip up the walk to the front door. “The Connors really are a nice family. Patient. Good people.”
I keep my lips pursed tight so I don’t say anything because I’ve been told that before by social workers—and it wound up haunting my goddamn dreams. Thankfully, he doesn’t push me and rings the doorbell.
An older woman answers, and even I have to admit she has kind eyes. But I still don’t trust it. Phillip seems to know her and she him. She’s friendly and warm to him and smiles sweetly at me before she invites us into her home.
It smells like cookies and cinnamon, and I don’t see a hint of dust on anything while we wait for Raegan to pack her things and come to us. Her eyes are wide when she approaches. “Kellan?”
I give a quick nod, my body stiff as I wait for her to ream me like Cason did, but she shocks the hell out of me when her thin arms wrap around my waist and she sobs into the hug. I stand there, frozen, for a moment, then awkwardly wrap my arms around her. “I’m here.”
She just sobs quietly, and I can feel Phillip’s eyes on us. But I don’t look at him. I can’t. My insides are too busy being slashed to pieces. The agony coming across in her sobs tells me everything.
The last four years have been utter hell.
“I’m here, Raegan,” I say again and smooth my hand over her soft, blonde hair.
“You left,” she says, her voice torn apart.
“I’m so sorry.”
She pushes away from me gently and wipes at her eyes with the tissue Mrs. Connor has supplied. Raegan thanks her and then gives her a big hug. I watch as the older woman whispers something into my sister’s ear, and Raegan nods her head and thanks her.
“I’ll tell Tom you said goodbye,” the woman says, and I’m assuming she’s talking about her husband.
Raegan actually smiles at that. “I can’t believe I’m going to miss out on his famous chili he promised.”
The woman looks a little teary-eyed. “This is good news though, sweetie.” She looks at me. “Your family will be together now.”
Raegan frowns at that but quickly tries to school her expression, clearly not wanting to disappoint the woman. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Take care.” Raegan nods and then grabs her bag before I can and exits the house. Phillip and I follow as she climbs into the back of the van. I see her squeeze the hell out of Cason—who thankfully, hugs her back, and I hear him tell her it’s going to be okay.
Good. They still had each other’s backs.
Thank. Fuck.
“Where did you stash our little brothers?” Cason asks as soon as Phillip and I are back in the van.
Phillip doesn’t let us see how much my brother’s attitude has to bug him, his smile is bright as he looks back. “It’s not far from here. Don’t worry. Soon, you’ll all be together.”
“Can’t fucking wait,” Cason says in a huff, and again, I want to tell him to cool it. Doesn’t he know this guy has a say in our future? He may not want me in charge of him, but this is the only way the four of them can stay together.
He knows the system. He has to know that.
When we reach another house ten minutes later, this one looks a little more rundown and cluttered. There are rusty bicycles thrown across the lawn and other toys. This seems a little more typical.
I can hear kids shouting inside before the door even opens for Phillip and me. Phillip remains totally calm and professional though. I wonder if this guy ever lets loose. I tuck that errant thought away though when Kieran and Braylen run to the door.
“Kellan?” Kieran looks utterly shocked when he sees me, and Braylen just looks up at me with confusion in his dark-blue eyes.
“Who are you?”
It hurts that my youngest brother doesn’t know who the hell I am, but it makes sense. He was only four when I left. He’s eight now. I’ve been gone for half his life. “I’m Kellan,” I say, my throat raw with emotion and anger at myself. “I’m your brother.”
Braylen turns his wide eyes to Kieran, who gives a solemn nod. “The one who left, remember?”
Knife. Right in the gut . Kieran is clearly angry with me. His eyes, which are actually the closest shade to my own, are glaring at me now that the shock has worn off. “I’m here now.”
He just shrugs and nudges Braylen. “Let’s go get our stuff.”
Braylen takes off after him, and I try like hell to get some air into my lungs and make my throat and chest stop hurting so bad. “You’re doing really well.” I jolt when I feel Phillip’s hand on my shoulder, and he quickly pulls away. “I’m sorry.”
“No. It’s okay,” I barely grunt at the poor guy.
We all climb in the van, where my four siblings greet each other and softly try to console each other, and all I feel is numb. I need a meeting.
But right now, this is more important.
“So where the hell are we going?” Cason pipes up.
I turn to Phillip because I honestly have no clue what the plan is. Phillip puts the car in drive and starts on his way to wherever. “Your new home.”
“And where is that?” Cason asks.
“It’s not too far from here,” I supply. “My house.”
“You have a fucking house?” he asks, and it’s laced with anger.
“Can you watch your mouth?” I ask, turning around to look at him and then nodding to Kieran and Braylen.
It only makes my brother laugh bitterly. “Like they haven’t heard worse all their lives.”
“Stop,” I direct, sick of his shit already, and that does not bode well. “Yes. I have a house. I bought it with my friend, Tatum.”
I look back toward the front, staring out the windshield. “Your friend?” I can hear the smartass remark coming from Cason before he says it. “You’re fucking gay?”
I swear the van swerves a little, but when I look over at Phillip, he seems to have it under control. “No. I said friend. Not boyfriend.”
“Who the hell buys a house with their friend ?”
Addicts who’ll never be able to afford anything by themselves . I want to say it, but I don’t. I refrain. Phillip is here and no doubt taking notes inside that head of his to add to our file later.
“It’s a house. It’s a roof over all your heads,” I bite out, and thankfully, Cason shuts up. For now.
When we pull into the driveway of the house, Phillip puts it in park and turns off the engine, giving no illusion that he won’t be going inside with us. I sigh heavily and help the younger boys out of the van, taking their bags. Raegan and Cason climb out, and Cason looks at my house.
“What a shithole.”
He’s goading me. He wants me to get angry. I breathe in deeply and let it go. “It needs some work,” I admit because it does. There’s no hiding that, and I really hope Phillip doesn’t linger on the stairs.
If he falls through them, there’s no way he won’t add that to the report and be a little pissy. This calm, cool, and happy attitude he has going has to be a ploy. No way he can keep it up.
“I haven’t had time to get them beds...” I say to Phillip, who gives me a soft smile.
“Everything has moved pretty fast. It’s no problem if the kids have to camp out in sleeping bags for a couple of days. Don’t worry.”
But I’m worried. Where the hell am I going to find furniture I can afford? My mind is whirling as I try to go over how much money is in my bank account as I unlock the front door and let everyone inside.
Braylen and Kieran run inside, zooming around excitedly. It’s not much, but I know without a doubt they’ve never lived in an actual house before. Mom moved around from shitty apartment to shitty apartment my entire life. Usually a studio. We slept on the floor a lot.
Which is why I will get them beds. And soon. No matter what.
“Can you show me around?” Phillip’s voice is quiet as he looks kindly at me, trying to put me at ease, I’m sure, but it does the opposite. I get a weird feeling when I look into his eyes that I can’t really explain.
“O-okay. Just know that I know it needs a lot of work, okay? I’ll get it done.”
Again with the soft, calm smile that does something to my belly. I frown and then clear my throat, stepping away from him because I need some space.
Please let it be good enough.