Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
Okay, so kissing him may not have been the best idea. But I don’t regret it. Not even a little bit. But it was clear he was freaked-out.
Maybe I should be too. Kissing a guy. That’s new. But it’s never felt like that before. I don’t think I’m gay. I just always kind of thought I was nothing...
Until him.
Until that kiss.
That kiss changed everything. And now he’s here at the house for a scheduled meeting.
“This is weird,” Braylen says, and I can tell it jars Phillip as much as it does me.
“What is?” Phillip asks, a fake, calm smile plastered on his face.
“You were just here for dinner the other night and baseball cages, and now you’re here with your notebook, interviewing us. It’s weird.”
He’s not wrong. It does feel a little strange when he’s here officially like this. But at least Braylen doesn’t seem to have any idea about the kiss Phillip and I shared.
Phillip smiles for real now and kneels down to look directly at Braylen. “I know it can probably seem weird and blur some lines, but right now, I’m social worker Phillip.”
“Not friend Phillip,” Braylen says softly, his brain processing the confusing situation.
“Uh...” Phillip’s eyes meet mine briefly, and then he looks at Braylen again. “You guys are my last meeting today. So as soon as we get this done, maybe I can go back to friend.”
I watch my little brother as he seems to think it over, and I watch Phillip too—this has to be killing him. I know we crossed a line, and that’s likely on his mind, but I can see how much he cares about the kids and his job.
It makes me feel like a total prick for kissing him—yet, I can’t seem to regret it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Maybe I’m more messed up than I even knew.
I went to a meeting last night. Not because I felt like using—honestly, I didn’t, not at all—but because I didn’t want to let Phillip or the kids down. I knew this meeting was coming up, and I wanted Phillip to be able to check that box when he asks if I’m still going to meetings twice a week.
So we go through the normal meeting process. Each of the kids meet privately with Phillip, followed by me. Although, I can’t help staring at his lips the entire time he’s asking me questions, and it’s apparent he notices.
“You have to stop,” he says quietly, so the kids don’t hear, even though they’re all in their rooms.
“I can’t.” I guess I’m done being subtle. I don’t know what’s happening to me though. I haven’t even been this—I guess obsessed—and that feels stalkery. I can’t stop thinking about him though.
“You have to, Kellan.” He’s using his serious voice, his eyes deadly serious to match. “That can’t happen again.”
“Why not?” I ask, and I know I’m being too bold, but I can’t care about that. I know what he’s saying—I get it—but also life is short. God only knows how many times I’ve already almost died. So many nights I spent lying on the floor, staring up at some dingy ceiling and wondering if it was going to be my last breath coming from my lungs and not caring.
Now—things aren’t quite as grim. This man came into our lives, and he’s only made it better. How can—whatever this is between us—how can it be bad?
He nods to his computer. “Questions. Please.”
“Okay. Let’s do this so we can get back to friend Phillip.”
He rolls his eyes slightly, but he doesn’t mind the teasing too much because he also offers me one of those sexy, sweet grins. We go through the usual—talking about AA meetings and work. How I’ve been handling everything. I have my friend coming over this weekend to fix the roof, and we’re going to tackle the steps too.
He finishes his report and closes the laptop. “Friend Phillip?”
He smiles slightly. “Yes. But just friend,” he reminds me quietly, just as Braylen bursts into the room and asks about food. He helps Phillip make dinner, while I stare at Cason’s math homework with him until we both get a headache.
Maybe Phillip can help with this later too.
We all eat a delicious dinner and actually get through it with minimal teenage attitude. Phillip does help Cason with his homework, and then all the kids head to bed. My heart starts to race when I realize Phillip is going to head out soon.
I don’t want him to leave.
“Well, next scheduled appointment isn’t for two weeks.” He grabs his bag with the laptop and notes, and I know he’s leaving.
“Maybe we could watch a movie?” Was that a question? I really need to up my game—though I’ve never really had game in the first place.
He cocks his head to the side, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? We’re friends. Friends watch movies together. We can watch that candles movie you were talking about.”
He laughs. “You really think the movie is about candles, don’t you?”
I shrug. “I have no fuckin’ idea. But I’ll watch whatever you want, if you stay.”
He looks pained, but I can see his answer even before he shakes his head. “I can’t, Kellan. I’m sorry. I have to go.”
He starts toward the door, but I follow after him because I’m not ready to give up just yet. I’ve done plenty of that in my life. I catch his arm just as I step out onto the porch behind him, and I don’t waste a second pulling him to me and his mouth to mine. I didn’t intend to kiss him, but it’s like his mouth is a magnet for mine.
My lips barely touch his, and it’s all over. He doesn’t push me away, his arms going around my neck, and he lets me in. His lips move with mine in a devastated, raw, hungry kiss. He lets my tongue sweep inside and stroke over his, and I feel this kiss. Really feel it everywhere after being numb for so long.
“One date,” I say against his mouth, not willing to let him go.
“Kellan...” I can feel his breath against my lips, and my heart flickers. Hope. I think it’s with hope. I can tell he wants this too.
“Just one. We can see how it goes. I won’t tell a soul, and I’ll never hurt you.” I pull back and look into his eyes. “I swear to you. I’ll never hurt you.”
He licks his wet lips and gazes back at me, fear in those pretty eyes of his. But also—want. He wants this as badly as I do.
“Phillip, I don’t trust anyone...” I remind him of one of our very first conversations that seems like so long ago. “But I’m asking you to trust me. I’d never do anything to hurt you, and I won’t let you lose your job. But I need to take you out on a date.”
He blinks and then blinks again. It’s kind of cute how dazed he looks right now. But it also pisses me off that someone—or several someones—have hurt him so badly in the past. I can’t imagine ever hurting this man.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” I ask him, excitement rushing through me.
He looks back at the closed front door as if to confirm that it did close behind me. “The kids cannot find out about this. No one can know.”
I nod. “Friday night? I’ll ask Tatum to watch the kids. I’ll tell him I need a meeting.”
“I don’t want you to have to lie to your best friend.”
I think that over for a minute because I don’t want that either. “I’ll tell him I have a date,” I say with a small smile. “Just not who it’s with.”
He nods his head and then slowly pushes back. “This is dangerous. We’re playing with fire here.”
I nod my head in understanding. I know how serious this is. “No one will find out. And as I’ve been told many, many times, this is only temporary. I’ll get custody of these kids, and then we can do whatever the hell we want.”
That does make him smile as he nods his head in stark agreement. “Can’t wait.”
I can’t either. And I can’t remember the last time I actually felt excited like this.
Now, I just have to not fuck it up.