Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
I stare at our intertwined fingers and can’t help the smile on my face. His are a little bigger, with clean fingernails, even though he just came from the shop, and they’re a little rougher than mine.
It’s been a week since the incident with Raegan, and I’ve been making sure to check in with her, here and there, but so far, she seems like she’s doing okay. And she said Blake has been avoiding her. I bet he has, the coward.
Cason and Kellan aren’t the only ones who wanted to make Blake cry. I hate what he did to Raegan, and I know she still must be afraid, even though she doesn’t want to admit it. It would shake anyone.
I’ve been careful around Kellan when we’re at the house, but I’ve let myself relax a little too. Still, with him staying at home this weekend and me working a lot this last week, I haven’t gotten to touch him.
So I suggested we meet up on our lunch break today, and I was surprised he came to my apartment with no hesitation. Thankfully, it’s not too far away from the shop, and Tatum will cover for him if he’s a little late.
After quick blowjobs and heated kissing, I’m spent but not totally sated. I just want to stay here with him. I drag my hand up his arm and cuddle further into his side. “You really aren’t freaked-out about being with a man?”
He snorts a laugh at me and then meets my gaze. “No. I’m not. I love everything about being with you.”
I like how honest he is. When he looks me dead in the eyes with no nonsense like this, I know in my heart he’s not lying. “I’m sorry. It’s just so... surprising. You always thought you were straight.” It’s not a question, but I kind of mean it to be.
“I never really thought I was anything.”
“What do you mean?” I let my hand rest on the soft fabric of his t-shirt over his hard abs.
“I never really thought about being with anyone. Or dating. I’d get bored or drunk or high and hook up, but I always thought something inside me was just broken because I wasn’t ever actively looking for someone. I didn’t want love—but I didn’t really want sex either. It was just sort of a reflex, I guess, but it wasn’t something I really wanted or needed.”
My heart breaks for him. “That had to have been lonely.”
He smiles at that, but his face remains sad. “I don’t know. I kind of liked being alone. It was peaceful. I watched my mom with her relationships , and they were always so hectic and toxic. I knew I never wanted that. I was fine being alone.”
“And after you left?” I know he doesn’t love talking about that time in his life, but I find myself needing to know more and more about him.
“I still didn’t want to be with anyone. I never really felt that crazy attraction you hear about, you know? I hooked up when it was convenient, but I could take it or leave it.” He licks his lips, and his eyes land on mine. “Until you. I swear when I first saw you, it was like something just clicked inside me.”
Phew. Okay. I try not to freak-out too much, but my heart is racing, and I feel this giddy sort of happiness. “I felt it too.”
“I thought it had to be the stress.” He laughs. “But the more I got to know you, the more I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you.”
“And it had never been like that before? Wanting someone like that?” I’m not fishing for compliments. I’m really trying to understand. Because I’ve lusted after men before, but it doesn’t sound like he has with anyone.
“No. Never. It’s weird, isn’t it?”
I smile sweetly at him. This man, I swear. I brush my finger over his lips. “No. Sexuality is this crazy awesome thing with no rules. And you’ve had some pretty significant trauma in your life. It makes sense you wouldn’t really want to be romantically involved.”
“It always seemed like too much work,” he admits and looks a little shy about it.
“But this is worth it,” I say, not a question because I know it is.
“Totally worth it. I’m crazy about you. I can’t stop touching you or thinking about touching you. Or just talking to you. I always want to be with you. I never saw any of this coming.”
I cup his face in my hands and move to straddle his lap. I know we don’t have time to do anything more, but I just want to be as close to him as I can be. “The feeling is very mutual.”
“Yeah?” he asks with a sly grin. “Because I think for the first time in my life, I’m in love.” The sincerity in his voice nearly cracks my heart right open.
I place one hand over his heart, and the other remains on his face. “I’m in love with you too.” I never thought I’d say those words again, but that’s absolutely what I feel for him. And if he can be brave enough to say it, even though I know it’s frightening for him, so can I.
I lean in and kiss him, tears welling up in my eyes that I have to blink back. I don’t want him to think I’m sad. I’m happy—even if fear is creeping up inside me.
I knew I was in way over my head even before we said I love you , but now I know exactly how deep we are.
And I know I cannot lose him. It’s not just an ill-advised hookup or a little bit of naughty fun. It’s not a fling. We have real feelings for each other that aren’t going to just go away if something bad happens or if we’re caught.
Everything is at stake here.