Chapter 29
TWENTY-NINE
All the kids are back in school now, and while Kieran still won’t admit he was being bullied, we’ve had some pretty good talks lately, and I think he’ll come to me if it becomes too much.
God, I hope so. I can’t let these kids down. I have four more months before our court date to make me their permanent guardian, and I’m counting down the days. I never thought we’d get this far, but it’s starting to feel a lot less hopeless.
Phillip assures me it’s looking very probable I’ll get custody. And his boss, Margie, apparently agrees, even after all the chaos that happened two weeks ago.
I’ve been meeting Phillip more and more for my lunch breaks—feeling desperate and needy—wanting to be with him all the time. Another reason I can’t wait for this court date. Because even if the kids will probably be a little pissed about the secret, I know they all like Phillip and will eventually be okay with it.
I think they’d be okay knowing now, but Phillip is right about not making them keep this secret for us. It wouldn’t be fair to them. I had him meet me at my house today instead of going to his place because he actually had an appointment before lunch at a house close to mine.
And with the kids back in school, I’m happy to have him in my bed. We tear at each other’s clothes, and as we kiss on my mattress, my need for him ratchets up.
“Miss me?” he asks with a cocky, sly smirk.
“You know I did.” I pull his shirt off over his head and take the moment to drag my fingers over his firm stomach. I want to take my time, but I also want to be inside him right fucking now.
He kisses down my neck, and his hands go to the bottom of my shirt to lift it off, but he freezes. “Did you hear that?”
I stop what I’m doing, listening for any sound but sure he’s just being paranoid. “Nothing.”
I start to work open his pants and kiss him, distracting him, but then I hear it too. My entire body goes rigid just before my bedroom door flies open. “Kellan? What the hell?”
No. No. No. This is not happening. It can’t be happening.
Phillip scrambles off my lap and grabs his shirt, pulling it on over his head. We both stare in shock at Cason, who’s standing in the doorway, watching us both with a look of horror.
“You’re fucking our social worker, and you lecture me about messing up our case?”
“This is not...” I try to think. This is bad. “It’s not fucking,” I finally settle on, and Phillip looks over at me, clearly not happy with what I just said. I’m sure he’d handle it differently, but he’s just standing there, looking afraid and unsure.
“Right. So you just like to suck on his neck in the middle of the day, but you’re not fucking.”
I look over and see a red splotchy spot still wet from my mouth on Phillip’s neck. He notices it too because he covers it quickly with his hand. “Cason, I’m so sorry. It’s... complicated.”
“It’s really, really not,” he says, glaring at Phillip. “You’re nice to us because you want to fuck our brother. Makes sense.”
“That’s so not...” Phillip starts, but Cason raises his hand in the air to stop him.
“This is just fucking great.” His icy glare moves to me. “I knew you’d find a way to fuck this up. You’re so goddamn selfish, Kellan. You always have been. But this? We trusted you. You asked us to trust you, and then you do this? You think any judge is going to trust a report from the guy you’re fucking?”
“The judge isn’t going to find out,” I bark, and Phillip winces. Cason doesn’t flinch, his eyes going dark and menacing.
“You sure about that?”
He’s implying he’ll tell, but I know him. He won’t. Phillip though—he doesn’t know that, and I can see the sheer panic in his eyes. “Cason, don’t ruin your case because you’re mad at your brother and me.”
“I’m not mad,” he says in his menacing way, enjoying fucking with Phillip a little too much. “I’m happy. I love being right.” His tone is bitter. I watch the color drain from Phillip’s face. I want to comfort him, but I need to deal with Cason first.
“What the hell are you doing home on a school day anyway?”
“Headache,” he says, and I want to roll my eyes. So he just felt like not being at school then.
“Attendance is important,” I remind him.
“Yeah well, doesn’t seem like that’s going to matter anymore, does it? Since we’re fucked anyway.”
“We are not fucked,” I spit out. “You just have to keep your mouth shut.”
“No,” Phillip says quietly, his voice shaky, and I notice his hand is too when he places it on my shoulder gently. His face is sad when he looks at me before looking over at Cason. “You shouldn’t have to keep our secrets.”
“Phillip...” I start to argue, but his eyes meet mine, and I see tears shining in them.
“He doesn’t need to keep our secrets because there’s no more to keep.”
“What are you saying?” I ask, uncertainty growing deep down in my bones.
He looks away from me and over at Cason. “This is done, okay? I won’t see your brother anymore. There’s no risk to your case because this is over. You have my word.”
“Phillip, no,” I say, reaching for him as he starts to leave.
“Whatever,” Cason says angrily. “Do whatever you want. He’s going to find another way to mess it up, no matter what. Just like I told you. People don’t change.”
“That’s not true,” Phillip says, but Cason won’t hear it and just leaves the room in an angry huff, going to his bedroom and slamming the door so hard, it shakes the house.
I watch as Phillip’s shoulders sag, and I make my way over to him. “We’re not ending this. It’s not over.”
I hate how glassy his eyes have gone when he lifts his chin to look at me. “It has to be. We were so naive, thinking we could keep this a secret. That we could do this and not be found out. This was reckless and dangerous. He’s right. We could jeopardize the whole case.”
“We’re worth it. You’re worth it,” I say, cupping his chin with my hand and pleading with him not to do this.
“I’m not. I’m really, really not. I do this, Kellan. I hurt people. I try to fix things, and I end up ruining them.”
“Where is this coming from? You haven’t ruined anything. Cason is pissed-off, but he’s not going to say a word. I promise you. Nothing is ruined.”
“He’s angry. And you two were finally figuring things out—getting along. But I saw the look in his eyes, Kellan. He’s hurt. And he feels betrayed.” He motions between our bodies. “We did that.”
“Please don’t leave,” I find myself pleading. I don’t beg. Ever. But I’m close to falling onto my knees and begging right here and now, if it means he’ll stay and work things out.
“I can’t be the reason you lose them. I know you think you can have both, and I fooled myself into thinking that too, but you can’t. You can’t lie to them anymore—so this has to be over.”
My heart feels like it’s split in two, but I can see he’s not going to change his mind. For whatever reason, he believes what he said—that he ruins people. I have no idea why he thinks that. Phillip makes the world better just being in it. But I see the determination in his eyes to leave.
Maybe it was fate. This is my punishment for leaving the kids when I did. Lull me into this false safety, and then drop me. He kisses me on the cheek, and I see a tear silently falling down his face before he turns his back and leaves.
I was a fool, thinking I could ever have happiness. It was a glimpse into life I never thought I could have. A beautiful mirage. But it wasn’t real.
And I know deep down, I deserve nothing less than this pain.