5. Chapter 4 #2
Her drink reached the dregs, and she shook the ice left inside. “What she said.” She didn’t meet his eyes. “You probably have questions.”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Jesse offered.
She shrugged. “It’s not a secret.” Her eyes shifted around the crowded café. “Maybe not here, though. Want to take your coffee to go?”
His hand closed around his cup, but he hesitated. “You really don’t owe me an explanation.”
“You should hear it from me. Come on.”
He stood and followed her to the door. After she pulled it open, she paused, staring into his eyes. Her hand released the door, and it slid shut while she measured from her head to his, bumping his forehead before ruffling his curls there.
“Dammit, you’re an inch taller,” she muttered, turning and jerking the door open again.
Jesse swallowed his laugh. He’d been relieved by that inch. Five foot eight was an inch below average, in the US anyway, but still respectable. Besides, he liked being able to look Julia in the eye. For a while, he’d looked up to her, in more ways than one.
He really didn’t need her to explain the gossip. Whatever had happened, it wasn’t Julia’s fault. Maybe she’d made an honest mistake, but he doubted she’d intentionally hurt anyone. Julia wasn’t like that.
She glanced around the parking lot as they approached the side of the building. “Which one is you?”
He pointed toward the orange Jeep. Phoebe had hassled him about the color, but he liked how bright it was.
Julia smiled. “I should have guessed. Can we sit in there and talk?”
The last time they’d sat in a vehicle together, he’d cried all over her. Jesse pushed the memory down. This wasn’t about him or his problems. Julia wanted to talk. He walked around to open the passenger door for her.
Julia stared at the open door before letting out a snort. “I bet the women you date like this kind of treatment.” She hopped inside, and he tried to will away the heat in his cheeks while he made sure not to catch her leg in the door.
Sure, there’d been a few passengers in his Jeep, but they hadn’t been dates. He wondered what she’d say if he admitted he’d never dated. Charles was the only one who knew how badly he struggled with even the idea of it.
He climbed in beside her, cranking on the engine so the vents would blow.
His recent self-help audiobook started playing, and he snapped it off, accepting the fact that his skin was going to stay perpetually red around her.
Being with his sister’s best friend had always been a mixture of nerves and comfort. The years hadn’t changed that at all.
“This is harder than I thought.” Julia fiddled with the direction of the vent before pulling her hand back. “I guess I haven’t really talked about it since most people knew already.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” he offered again.
Her lips firmed before parting. “No. You deserve to know why hanging around me might affect your reputation at the hospital.”
“You think that’ll change things for me?” Jesse shook his head. “I’m not going to avoid you, Jules, no matter what people might say. I know you. It doesn’t matter what they think. I’m on your side.”
Her eyes narrowed as if she didn’t believe him.
“Why are you surprised? We’re friends.”
“It’s been years. The few times you were in town, it seemed like you were avoiding me.” She bit her lip, looking away.
“That wasn’t because of you. You’re great.” She was everything, but he swallowed those words. “It was all me. I’m a mess sometimes.”
“You’re not a mess. I—” Her words broke off as she stared out the windshield. “I did it wrong. That night after the party, you were hurting. I’m not great at comforting people. I should have done more.”
“No!” His eyes burned. He couldn’t cry again. “No, Jules. You helped me a lot that night. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Something happened, though, didn’t it?”
She stared at him with that gaze he loved. The one that made him her whole focus.
“I—” His throat felt too tight. He’d never told anyone the details of that night, not completely. He couldn’t do it now. “We didn’t come here to talk about me.”
Julia winced, and he felt like shit. She lifted her hand to rub at her forehead. “You’re right. Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” He reached over, touching her arm lightly. “You’ve always been there for me.” He pulled away when she looked at him again. “Let me be there for you.”
Her lips twisted. “There’s nothing to really be there for. I fucked the wrong person, and it all went to hell.”
Jesse’s chest squeezed, and he bit his cheek. He’d seen her with a lot of guys even as a teenager and had hated it. He hadn’t hated that she was sexual, not exactly. He’d just wanted her to be with him, but she’d never seen him that way.
Hearing her talk about fucking someone else returned the same envious feeling.
She pressed the side of her face against the seat back as she met his eyes.
“I’m casual about that kind of thing, but then you know that.
I never hid it. If I had an itch to scratch, I found someone to scratch it.
” Lines formed near her mouth. “Now, I wonder how many times I slept with a married man.”
Jesse curled his hands under his legs. “He was married?” Julia must have hated finding that out.
“I never worried about that before. I wasn’t interested in the guys, just the sex, so I didn’t get to know them much.
I assumed they were like me, unattached and wanting to get laid.
It’s not like they asked me a lot of questions, either.
” She shrugged. “This guy started out the same. I picked him up at the bar, we were both interested, and we fucked. Hell, I didn’t even learn his name that first night. ”
“You… don’t even know their names?” He couldn’t imagine ever being that casual about sex. It took up such a huge part of his mind, with too many hurdles to overcome before he could say yes.
He had never said yes.
“Hey, don’t judge.”
Jesse’s fingers dug into the seats. “Sorry.”
“I get that it’s not for everyone, but casual works for me.
I like the physical parts of sex but have never wanted the emotional part.
That always seemed like it’d be messy.” Her head shifted on the headrest again, and she stared out the windshield.
“As long as we both came, I considered the evening successful. Not every guy was good, but if they could take direction, we got on fine. With this guy, though…” She hummed in her throat.
“I saw stars. He knew how to fuck. So when I saw him at the bar again a week later, I went for round two. And then round three. We weren’t dating, not really, but we became a regular hookup.
” She shook her head. “That wasn’t like me, but he made my body feel so good. ”
Jesse had hated how his body had felt, like it wasn’t even his. He’d found out that he could be physically turned on even while his mind was screaming no.
“I didn’t want to get to know him outside of fucking.
I mean, he told me his name was John, but how many Johns are there?
It wasn’t until I ran into him at the hospital that I realized he was Dr. John Rutherford, the most respected surgeon in the medical community here.
Hell, he even donates surgeries sometimes.
He’s altruistic and brilliant and very happily married, or so everyone said. ”
Jesse had already heard of Dr. Rutherford, and he’d only been back in town a few weeks. “If he was cheating, he wasn’t happily married.”
“Well, yeah. I was pissed, and I guess he saw it because he tracked me down right after and pulled me into a closet.” She stared down at her hands.
“I’m not proud of myself, but we fucked in there, even before he explained, saying they’d been separated for a while and were finalizing the divorce.
He just hadn’t wanted to say anything to his colleagues because he worried it’d affect his reputation. ”
Julia paused, glancing his way. “I know, all right? He was lying, and I’m not sure if I even believed him.
It wasn’t like I wanted a relationship with him.
My body still hummed from how hard I’d come, so I pushed away my misgivings and accepted what he said, but I told him we couldn’t do that again. No sex where we worked. He agreed.”
She grimaced. “We kept hooking up for about a month. I didn’t ask, but he usually mentioned his divorce, continuing to feed me that bullshit.
It wasn’t like I was waiting for the paperwork to be signed to have a real relationship.
I just enjoyed the sex. I hadn’t realized that fucking could be even better once you knew the other person’s body.
His mouth, his hands, even the curve in his dick—”
Jesse made a choked sound, and Julia glanced over.
“Sorry, too much information?”
Jesse tried to get his mind off his own curved dick and back on track. “How were you found out? If you weren’t hooking up at the hospital?”
Her lips twisted. “I outed myself. HR has those yearly code of conduct updates, and while it didn’t prohibit fraternization, it did require disclosure, so I brought it up to him.
The next thing I know, a woman is screaming at me about being a homewrecker and slapping me in the hospital hallway.
” Her head flinched against the headrest, as if experiencing it all over again.
“Quite a few people saw it happen. She had the disclosure form I had printed out that he’d taken to think about, so I’m guessing she found it on him.
Hell, for all I know, he gave it to her.
The story twisted into me pursuing him at work and forcing a blow job on him in that closet. ”
Jesse’s stomach twisted. “Forced?”
Julia snorted. “I’ve yet to come across a guy who said no to one, and he sure as hell hadn’t, but I guess the story caught on.
Someone had seen us leave the closet that one time and waited until after the blow up to come forward, so the story had enough of a ring of truth for most of the hospital staff to run with it. ”
“They all think you’re to blame?”
“Well, HR talked to both of us, but he’s a big-time surgeon, and I was a recent hire. I got fired, and he got a documented warning.”
“A recent hire?” She was a year older than him, and the math of that threw him off. “Did you work somewhere else before that?”
“I… got a semester behind in college. So, yeah, I’d only been doing the job for a few months when all that shook out. Luckily, your brother took pity on me.”
“It’s not pity. He says you’re the best surgical technician he’s had.”
“I love the job. I’m glad he hired me.” She sighed. “My reputation had already gotten around, and the few job offers I received before his came with sexual innuendos by the interviewer. My reputation got worse after how I handled those.” She snorted. “Some people can be jackasses.”
“I’m still stuck on him barely getting a hand slap. I mean, sure, you slept with a married man, but it wasn’t like he was unwilling.” Jesse’s throat tightened on the word.
“It pisses me off, the forced rumor. I’m all about consent, dammit, but no one wants to think badly of Dr. Rutherford.
The last I heard, he’s still happily married.
” Julia closed her eyes. “I feel sorry for his wife, but at least she’s getting fucked well.
That man knew a lot of tricks, so I doubt I was his first sidepiece.
” Her nose wrinkled. “I hate that. I’ve never felt guilty about sex before, and it’s fucking with me a bit. ”
Jesse had his own misgivings about sex, but it was based on shame, not guilt. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said.
“I own my part. I should have broken things off after I realized who he was. Better yet, if I got to know my sex partners a little better, I would have caught the signs.” She shrugged.
“It sucks that those at the hospital know so much about my sex life now, but I don’t feel like I need to hide it, either.
That’s the thing.” She turned her head toward him.
“If you hang out with me, they’ll assume we’re fucking. ”
Jesse flushed, managing to untie his tongue. “Well, I’m not married, so at least there’s that.”
Julia laughed. “True. I don’t care what they think.” The curve to her lips faded. “But you usually do, so I thought you should know. Plus, I’d hate to take away your dating pool. They’re not really bad people, just ones who gossip.”
He shook his head. “I’m not worried about them not being interested in me. I don’t date.”
“Oh.” She sat up a little. “I didn’t think you’d be the casual hookup type. At least, it didn’t seem like it, with your wide eyes and blushes while I talked.” She reached out, poking his cheek.
“N-no, I’m not into casual.” He flushed, proving her point, and looked away. “I don’t have a lot of luck with romance.”
She snorted. “Please. People are attracted to you. I’ve seen it, or do you want me to remind you about Tricia?”
“Please, don’t. She’s not my type at all.” He suppressed a shudder. “Too aggressive.”
“I can see that. You’d be into the more romantic type. Still, there are plenty of options.” She patted his shoulder. “If you want a wingman, I can be that for you. I’m good at scoping out options.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” he mumbled, hating that idea all around. Julia trying to hook him up with other women would be like a constant punch to his heart.
“Just let me know when and I’ll be there.” Her hand went to the door. “Anyway, I should let you get home and relax. Talk to you soon?”
“Wait!” He leaned toward her, his heart thudding in his chest when her lips slid into a smile. “Would you want to go out with me tomorrow?”
Her eyebrow lifted. “Like out out?”
“I—” Words caught in his throat. He swallowed, forcing his lips to part. “I meant hang out again. As friends. We could go hiking.”
Her nose wrinkled. “Hiking?”
“Oh. Or something else.” He tried to think of anything else. His Sundays were usually spent outdoors.
“No, some sunshine sounds good. Text me where you’re thinking, and we’ll figure it out.” She opened the passenger door. “See you tomorrow.” The Jeep shook a little when she shut the door.
Jesse lost his breath and leaned his head against the headrest, closing his eyes.
Julia was experienced and confident and everything he wasn’t.
She’d never go for someone like him. Dating her felt more out of reach than ever, but that was a good thing.
For a second, he’d almost forgotten that he was damaged goods, the type no one would want, not if they really knew.