17. Chapter 16
J esse left his Jeep in the driveway, his head already starting to pound as he passed the car he’d parked beside, one with two car seats inside. His day had been close to perfect, but Phoebe was likely about to change that.
She sat at the table in the kitchen again. Her blonde hair, which matched his, only longer, was pulled back in a sloppy bun. She had dark circles under her eyes, and his heart started to soften until her lip curled in a sneer.
“Doing a walk of shame?” she asked.
Jesse pressed his lips together so he wouldn’t snap back.
Charles, holding his baby nephew, tilted his head. “It’s already late afternoon. Doesn’t it have to be morning to be a walk of shame?”
“That’s not the point!” Phoebe snapped.
Jesse rolled his eyes, crouching down to tickle his niece, who was banging a spatula on the kitchen tiles.
“How was lunch with the Caldwells?” Charles asked, continuing to sway as he patted his nephew’s back.
“Great!” Jesse’s smile returned. “It was nice to catch up with everyone.”
“Wait, Julia invited you to her family’s Sunday lunch?” Phoebe frowned.
“Just as a friend,” Jesse said, reminding himself as well. There had been a moment at the end where it had seemed like she would kiss him. That she hadn’t had been a letdown. His lips tingled just imagining the contact.
She’d only been protecting him again. That was no different from when they were kids.
“But she fucked you last night, didn’t she?” Phoebe’s lip curled again.
Charles sighed, moving toward the toddler and reaching down for her hand. “Come on, little one, let’s go play with the blocks I bought you.”
“B’ocks!” she cried, booking it toward the living room.
Charles looked at Phoebe, then at him. “You two should talk. Then, Feebs, you should go spend some time with your husband. I can take care of your kids for a few hours. I’m sure Jesse will help.”
“Sure,” Jesse mumbled.
Phoebe flushed. “Fine. Thanks.”
Charles nodded. “I said talk. I don’t want to hear either of you yelling.” He gave them his stern dad look before disappearing into the living room, still holding the baby in his arms.
Phoebe glared down at the table.
Jesse dragged out the chair closest to her, lowering himself into it.
“Those are the same clothes you wore last night, aren’t they?” she asked. “For your date?”
“Jules told you about our date?”
“She texted me when you asked her out. Seemed insistent I not give you a hard time.” Phoebe considered him. “I guess she always has been protective of you.”
Jesse flushed.
Phoebe bit her lip. “You were careful, right? Used protection?”
Jesse’s stomach twisted. “If this is going to be a repeat of the other morning, save your breath. What we did is none of your business, and I’m not giving you any details.”
“She was my friend first,” Phoebe said with an aggravated huff.
“I don’t think you came here as her friend.” Jesse stared at his sister. “I love her, Feebs. I won’t listen to you badmouth her.”
“You haven’t grown up at all!” she snapped.
“You’re the one being immature!”
“I said no yelling!” Charles called from the living room.
They both went quiet. Her toddler’s giggles reached them from the living room, with soft clicks of the plastic blocks.
“I’m just worried about you. I love Jules, but she’s a cum dumpster.”
Jesse’s hands clenched on his chair seat, hidden under his thighs. “Seriously, Feebs?”
She flushed. “It’s not like she hides that she sleeps around.”
“No, she doesn’t. That doesn’t mean you can talk about her that way.”
“You could catch something from her! You know that, right?”
Jesse’s pulse throbbed in his ears. He took a ragged breath, then blurted out, “I have herpes, Phoebe.”
His sister stared. “What?”
His neck tensed at the way she was looking at him. “It happened at that college party that one time. Two girls r-raped me, and I had my first outbreak after that.” It was the first time he’d called it rape out loud, and his whole body ached, strung together into one tight nerve ready to snap.
“No…” Phoebe paled.
He swallowed the constriction in his throat. “So, you see, Jules is the one who shouldn’t have risked having sex with me, not the other way around.”
Phoebe’s hand smacked the table. “She was supposed to protect you! Keep an eye on you and take you home, like I asked.”
“She did. It was just too late. She found me after, and she was really kind, Feebs.” He remembered the way she’d held him while he cried. That moment would always stay with him.
“So she’s known all along and never told me?”
“No, I didn’t tell her what happened back then. I didn’t tell anyone.”
Phoebe’s eyes filled, tears dripping down her face. “She should have kept a better eye on you. She said she would.”
“She tried to send me home right away, remember? Besides, you were at that party, too. You’re the one who’s my big sister, Feebs.”
“Are you blaming me?”
“No, that’s not—” Jesse took in a shuddering breath, closing his eyes. “It’s no one’s fault. The ones who did it were drunk and—” He swallowed. “Let’s not talk about this anymore.”
“Couldn’t you have fought them off?”
Her words made him flinch. Bile rose in his throat as she kept talking.
“I mean, you’re the guy. Couldn’t you—”
“Stop it, Phoebe.” Charles stood in the doorway with her baby in his arms. Jesse had never seen his brother look so cold. “Talk like that again, and you can leave my house.”
She let out a small sob. “Sorry. I’m not sure what to say!” Tears tracked down her face.
“It’s not about you.” Charles moved closer to Jesse, their shoulders touching. “Jesse is the one who needs our support.”
“Am I the last to know?” Phoebe asked, her lips trembling.
Jesse swallowed, looking away.
“I am, aren’t I? You even told Julia before you told me.”
“She’s easy to talk to,” Jesse said. His arms folded around himself, and he imagined they were hers. “Jules has a way about her, you know? She makes everything better. It’s like she’s naturally supportive, without any effort at all.”
Phoebe’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, there was at least a little effort. I mean, she supported you by fucking you, didn’t she?”
“Phoebe!” Charles’s voice was hard, angry. The baby started crying.
“Well, she did!” Phoebe said defensively.
Jesse hated the way she said it. “Stop talking about it like that! It’s not dirty, like you keep trying to say, and she was the one taking a risk, not me.
She did it for me. She said the other time didn’t count and offered to be my first, and I am going to cherish the memory.
Even if she never has sex with me again, I can never regret what we did.
” The last came out quietly, and he realized he still couldn’t quite believe it had happened, even with the memory of what they’d done so vivid in his mind.
“Oh, Jesse.” Phoebe sighed. “You’re in even deeper now. Admit it, you love her even more, don’t you?”
He made a helpless sound, his arms tightening around himself. “It’s not like I could love her any less.”
Phoebe put her head in her hands. “She’s going to break your heart.”
“I went into this with my eyes open, Feebs. Whatever happens, it won’t be her fault. She’s being true to herself, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.” He smiled a little as he pictured her face, how it’d looked smiling so close to his. “I love her for who she is.”
Phoebe lifted her head, her face softening as she studied him. Shoving herself up from the table, she threw herself at him, hugging him tight.
Jesse didn’t hug her back, but the thudding of his heart felt a little less painful.
“I’m sorry. I messed this all up.” Her arms squeezed. “Will you forgive me?”
Jesse bit his lip, holding back the automatic absolution. His stomach churned too much to lie like that. He pulled back instead, meeting her eyes. “I think you owe Julia an apology.”
“Maybe,” Phoebe said, stubborn to the end. “I’m still worried that she’s going to break your heart.”
“Even if she does, I’ll be okay.” Jesse had already braced himself for it, after all.
Phoebe rolled her eyes. “You say that, but you’ve only ever been in love with Julia. You have no idea what it’ll feel like.”
“And you do?” Charles snorted, continuing to rub the baby’s back. “Who was it that married the first man she loved?”
“Oh, he wasn’t the first. I met Kyle in college, but back in high school—” Phoebe’s eyes widened. “Oh no, Kyle! We had a date planned.” She looked at Charles hesitantly. “Are you still good to watch my kids for a little while?”
“Of course. They’re my niece and nephew.” Charles leaned down to kiss the baby’s head. “Go on. Jesse will help me with them.”
Phoebe began to nod but hesitated. “Is it contagious?”
Jesse grew cold as he stared at his sister.
“I mean, not that I don’t want you around them or anything, but are there any precautions we should—”
“Phoebe!” Charles interrupted.
She froze, looking at him.
“Just stop. It’s not Jesse’s responsibility to educate you on this. Do some research on your own tonight and stop the backhanded insults.”
“Sorry. I guess I really know nothing about this. I’ve never had to worry about it since I’ve only been with Kyle.” She rubbed at her jeans as she took another step back, staring down at her shoes. “If you really are okay watching them, I’m going to go.”
“I’ve got them,” Charles said.
She hesitated, lifting her head and meeting Jesse’s eyes. “I messed this all up. I’m really sorry this happened to you.”
His throat tight, Jesse nodded.
Phoebe left through the kitchen door. He watched through the window as she hurried to her car without looking back.
“You okay?” Charles asked, swaying with the baby again.
“Yeah.” His head throbbed, and his throat still felt too tight. “Well, no, not really,” he admitted, running his hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have told her.”
Charles moved closer, laying a hand over his shoulder and giving him a gentle squeeze. “I think it was a good thing for you. You haven’t told many people, have you?”
Jesse shook his head. Charles had been with him at the doctor’s office when he’d found out. His brother had helped him tell their mom. And then there’d been Julia.
Remembering the way Julia had reacted chased away the chill that had crept inside him.
He moved over to the sink. Normally, he took his antiviral pill in the morning, but he hadn’t expected to sleep over at Julia’s house again. He grabbed the bottle from the medicine cabinet over the stove.
“I’ll talk to Phoebe again myself. Let her ask me questions about it,” Charles offered.
Jesse nodded, swallowing the pill and draining the glass.
“About your date with Julia. I take it things went well?”
More of his tension unwound as he thought about his time with her.
“Being with her feels better than I ever imagined it could.” He flushed at how that sounded.
“I didn’t mean the sex!” He glanced at the baby, glad to see his nephew sleeping.
“I mean, that was good, great even, but we also had fun at the art museum, and I enjoyed hanging out with her parents, and, well… everything,” he mumbled, staring down at his hands.
“I’m glad,” Charles said.
“Yeah. Thanks.” Jesse rinsed out his glass, the warm water chasing away the last of the chill from his body. “I’ll clean up and change before coming to help babysit.”
“No rush,” Charles assured him. When Jesse glanced at his older brother, he had the softest smile on his face as he stared down at the baby in his arms. His brother headed back to the living room, where their niece was still happily clanking together blocks.
His brother would be a wonderful dad, but he’d never had a steady relationship that led to that. Jesse had never understood it, but his brother had his life put together way better than he did, so he didn’t interfere.
Jesse used to think he’d want the whole family thing. Kids and a house and a wife. Now, he wasn’t so sure. It wasn’t impossible, but it’d be difficult.
Besides, he was pretty sure Julia didn’t want that kind of life.
He could still smell her on him. He’d showered last night, after the second time, and used her strawberry-scented body wash and shampoo. For someone so straightforward and tough, the scent was adorable. He didn’t remember her smelling that way when they were teenagers.
Putting away his glass, he headed down the hall to shower and change. As much as he wanted to hold on to her scent, it was probably better if he let it go. Julia had made it clear he’d never have her scent all over him again.