Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
S am shuffled into the little Wayside chapel at the same time as Edwyn. Was that God’s way of telling him Edwyn was right? It certainly meant Edwyn was watching his every move. He’d thought all night about what he’d discussed with Edwyn, after staying up to see if Zeus would return.
When the big German shepherd didn’t come back to the kennel for the night, Sam called Kelly’s cabin. When she answered, it surprised him. She hated talking on the phone, but he hadn’t wanted to go to her door so late at night.
“Hello?” Her voice held so much worry.
“Kelly, this is Sam. I was just checking to make sure you got homeall right, and that Zeus is with you.” At least she answered, which meant she was most-likely fine.
“Zeus is here and I’m safely in my cabin. Thanks for checking.”
He heard the distinct change in her voice when she smiled .
“Of course. If he makes you feel safer, keep him with you. He seems to have chosen you as his human.”
Kelly actually laughed at that, and he hadn’t realized how much that meant to him. She hadn’t laughed or smiled since her arrival. He almost wished he could be there to see it. Which meant Edwyn was right, he should back off and just be Kelly’s wrangler.
Now, as he mingled with the twenty or so people in the tight space, he knew avoiding Kelly would be almost impossible. There was only room for about thirty people in the little chapel if they sat hip to hip on the benches. She wouldn’t know anyone except him and Edwyn though, so likely she would look for him.
He saw her profile in the doorway and took a breath. Avoiding her was good for her. He had to keep telling himself that. Edwyn was right. She couldn’t heal from the physical and mental trauma she’d been through if she started thinking romantically, or even deeply, for someone so soon. If he cared about her and wanted a future with her, he had to back off. Doing anything too soon could literally ruin her chances of a happy life forever.
Junior sat next to Gabby in the front row and there was just enough room for him at their side. Since the place would be fairly packed, he didn’t need to explain himself when he asked to sit with them. Gabby smiled up at him and moved over a bit. “Sure, us front of the church dwellers are always happy to invite a new convert.”
Junior grinned. “And some of us are only here because our wives are front of the church dwellers.”
She elbowed him in the ribs and they both laughed. He and Kelly had been like that long ago. Joking and flirting had been the norm, not the exception. She was that kind of person, but he was not. She’d brought that out in him. He glanced back to where she’d been a moment before.
Kelly looked lost, standing in the doorway. Her head slowly swiveled, and her mouth hung open slightly, eyes wide. She was afraid, probably of being alone. A new church could be scary for anyone. There was always the worry of being judged.
Rebecca came in just behind her and welcomed her to Wayside, mentioning that she’d seen her the day before but didn’t have a chance to meet. She invited Kelly to sit by her in the back, since those two rows were shorter to accommodate wheelchairs.
He tried to feel good about the fact that she’d met someone new. Her world was expanding and meeting others who had been through similar circumstances was good. She could form solid friendships and bonds with people who would understand her difficulties better than anyone else. But that didn’t stop him from worrying that he’d done the wrong thing. As her wrangler, he should be sitting with her. In fact, since he’d been Rebecca’s wrangler, he should be sitting with both of them.
Gabby touched his arm gently. “Is something wrong? While you’re not the smile-iest of guys, you’re even more reserved than normal.”
Sam ducked his head to hide any reaction that might give him away. He’d always been called the calm one, the solid friend. He tried not to let his emotions get in the way of anything, but that often led to being the one who kept everything to himself. “Yeah, it’s just been a rough week. Good day for church.”
Gabby was a counselor and gave him the eye, as if she knew he wasn’t telling her everything in his head. He was a man though, and what was in his head was rarely given a voice. Men weren’t supposed to be talkers; they were doers.
That was his issue. He was being asked to not do something he felt he should. Action, not sitting stationary. He looked at the front, hoping the preacher had arrived, but the small altar was still empty.
“You know . . . if you don’t want to talk about it with anyone, you could always take it to the one who won’t tell a soul about your troubles. He’s pretty good about helping you decide the right course, too.”
Gabby was right, of course. Why didn’t he turn to prayer as often as he should? It was just easier to try to muscle through or think his own way out of a problem than to bug the God of the universe with his little problems.
“I’m sure you’re right.” Sam reached for one of the little envelopes the preacher left in a little shelf under the benches and wrote out his check for his tithe. Since he had no bills to pay, he felt it was his duty to give a bigger portion than most men his age. They had families. They had rent or mortgages. They had food to buy or a truck payment. He had none of those things. God had blessed him richly with a life he couldn’t have dreamed of when he was serving in the military.
The hair on his arms prickled to life, and he could feel someone watching him. Tension coursed through his shoulders as he folded his check and affixed the flap of the envelope. Unable to keep himself from looking, he searched the church one last time.
The look of utter dejection on Kelly’s face tore at his insides.
He faced the front and didn’t close his eyes. It wasn’t important for the world to know he was praying. That was between him and God. Lord, I did what Edwyn said because his advice sounded reasonable and good. But is it what you want?
The prayer was short and to the point, much like all his other communication. He couldn’t say that he’d ever had a supernatural encounter with God. He’d never heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, nor had he received anything other than a mental nudge when he’d asked for help with decisions. Yet, this time, there was a very clear voice in his head, familiar, yet he couldn’t name whose it was.
Pray that she sees the truth.
He blinked where he sat as the preacher approached the podium atop the small rise of the altar. Hadn’t he already prayed for that when he’d seen those texts? He’d known Nathan was manipulating her.
I trust you. I pray that she clearly sees the truth and knows who she can trust. I pray that the lies would be like scales falling from her eyes.
He waited with awe filling him with warmth, wondering if he would hear any more. If that was what he was supposed to pray, he’d keep praying that. In the next instant, whether it was his imagination or the Holy Spirit showing him things he didn’t want to see, he saw in his mind Kelly bound and crying. He saw her cowering at the feet of someone much bigger than her. At the end of his vision, he held in the sick that roiled in his stomach.
If that was even a hint at what Kelly had been through, she needed so much more than he could ever give her. She needed someone strong, who could protect her from the world. He was just Sam. Faithful, but not strong. Capable, but not a leader.
Keep praying for her, Sam. You are faithful and your faithfulness is heard .
He blinked back tears. He couldn’t do that now. Men weren’t supposed to cry. He took a deep breath and let it out. God had asked him to pray, but he hadn’t said to go to her. For now, he’d wait until the right time, keeping their relationship professional.
Except for all the prayers. That wasn’t how he usually cared for a patient at all.
Kelly tried to listen to the preacher, but she hadn’t even caught his name. Rebecca sat to her left and Edwyn to her right. He’d returned to the semi-overbearing Edwyn that made her uncomfortable, like he knew everything in the world and was trying to protect her from herself.
He probably didn’t know that his treatment left her feeling dirty. Like the bad girl she’d been told she was. She was too bad for church. Too bad for Sam to sit by her. Why wouldn’t he want to sit with her? Hadn’t they just talked on the phone last night? When she’d returned Zeus to the kennel on the way to church, she’d assumed she’d meet Sam there and they would walk together.
Then again, assumptions had never gotten her anywhere good. From the moment she’d walked in the door, she’d been uncomfortable. Connor had told her that the church service was not required in any way. She could come or not as she wished. As she’d considered her options, she’d decided the church was better than sitting at home.
This would be her first service as a believer, and she’d wanted Sam to guide her through the process. What should she do? What was expected? She wasn’t even sure how she should dress. Everyone else looked nice, cleaned up from what they usually wore, but nothing formal. A tall blonde woman stood at wrangler Cole Bradley’s side. She was the only one in the church who was dressed like Kelly had expected churchgoers to look. Sunday-best was different at Wayside. That should’ve been expected.
Kelly shifted on the hard bench, trying to pay attention. Since she’d never read the Bible because she didn’t have one, and she didn’t know much more than what she’d been told by the woman who led her to Christianity, most of what he said went right over her head. What did ‘washed in the blood’ mean, anyway? From her perspective, that sounded awful.
You don’t belong here . . . Why did the evil voice in her head always sound like her grandmother? Kelly closed her eyes.
She fought with her grandmother’s stubborn memory. I do. You’re the one who doesn’t belong here. Her jaw trembled. Why couldn’t she move on? Why couldn’t her escape truly be a fresh start? Why did her mind carry so much baggage?
The voice laughed at her, the sound filling her head until she couldn’t hear the pastor’s words anymore. Edwyn bumped her with a shoulder.
She glanced over at him, wondering what she’d done that he needed to point out she was doing anything? She’d been sitting there the whole time. He pursed his lips, conveying that he wasn’t happy with her. Grab a number and wait in line.
Kelly hung her head and closed her eyes. Are you there, God? Do I belong here?
The same mocking laugh of her grandmother grew louder. She tried to focus on anything but the sound, but that only made it worse. God was stronger than her grandmother. That much she knew, so why couldn’t she hear God? Did He just not care until she was well-studied? Would He ignore her pleas until she’d read the Bible?
Rebecca reached over, threaded her hand through Kelly’s, and she whispered, “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Heat flowed up her neck to the top of her head. She had to have made a noise, something to let Rebecca know she was going through something. How could she have grown so weak in such a short time? Just a few months before, Nathan would’ve used any weakness, any hint at her feelings against her.
Kelly squeezed her hand then released Rebecca. The touch was too much. She couldn’t force herself to stay in the contact. If Sam was at her side, maybe. His touch carried a feeling of protection, whereas everyone else felt like they were trying to take something from her.
She closed her eyes tightly. Lord, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong with Nathan, either, but I have nowhere to go. I can’t go back to the halfway house and I have no family. Please, tell me what to do.
The preacher’s voice broke through all the noise in her head. “May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord rest His countenance upon you and give you peace.”
Peace. What did that even mean? Her thoughts pulled her in so many directions, but all of them pushed her toward one conclusion. If she couldn’t hear the voice of God when she called out to him and if Sam was embarrassed to be with her, then she didn’t belong there. She needed to run. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Kelly shot to her feet and raced for the door as others slowly rose. She didn’t even care that it slammed behind her as she ran.
The banging door made Sam swing around. Everyone around him was in shock, but he’d known the moment he heard it who it was. He searched for Kelly next to Rebecca, but there was only an empty seat there.
Go after her.
He really wasn’t sure if that was a nudge or just common sense, but he took off at a run for the door. Edwyn caught him and gripped his arm, almost slamming him into the wall.
“What are you doing? I can’t just let her run off like that?”
Edwyn looked him in the eye. “Whose mission are you on, yours or hers?”
He shook free of Edwyn’s grasp. “I’m on God’s mission. He wants to see her healed.” And that was the truth. He’d been told to pray for her. God wouldn’t have asked him to pray for her if she were totally lost. If her soul would never react to the Holy Spirit, God wouldn’t ask him to do what pulled him apart. Now he knew what Hosea felt in some small measure, though Gomer continued to choose her path, much like the Israelites. That was eye-opening, too, though. How much of Israel’s choice to follow other gods and be disobedient was actually human misunderstanding?
Pushing through the door, he searched for Kelly. There were very few places she would know to go. The kennel, where he assumed she’d left Zeus, was the first place to look. She could be in the barn with her horse, or back in her cabin. Connor had given him the key last night to the cabin he was supposed to share with her, and they were to move today. If he found her.
If she was too emotional about it, he couldn’t force her. Safety was important, but her fragile state was more so. Moving was another change. She’d had so much change recently that even that small thing might push her over the edge. If Nathan could hear her, he would use that against her.
“Kelly?” He didn’t want to yell, since the others would be pouring out of the chapel soon. He headed for the kennels. That was the most likely place she’d be and the place he went when he wanted time alone. No one ever bothered him in the kennels.
He slowly pulled the door open. “Kelly?”
There was a small sniffling sound in the back corner. He made his footfalls heavy so she should be able to hear them, but tried to make them noisy, not menacing.
Kelly was on the floor, sitting on Zeus’s dog bed with him. Her face was buried in the dog’s neck and Zeus’s eyes were wide, like he wanted to back away but knew he was needed right there.
“It’s okay, boy.” Sam lowered to his knees and gently pried Kelly’s grip loose from around the dog. She was shaking, literally shuddering, in his hands. Deep sobs turned her face red. “Kelly . . .” He held his arms wide to give her somewhere to go that wasn’t Zeus.
The dog dashed off, still uncomfortable with hugs. Kelly clung to Sam, and he slowly arranged himself so he could sit at her side, giving both of them a more comfortable place. If he was going to give emotional support, he might be there for a while.
“What happened? ”
She shook her head, clenching her jaw tightly. Words weren’t going to get him far. He needed time and so did she, so he settled in against the wall and waited for her to tell him what was on her mind.
After about ten minutes, her sobs had slowed to sniffles. “I had to leave. Jesus would be unhappy with my thoughts. They didn’t belong in a church. Jesus would be angry with me.”
If Sam was going to break every rule in the book, he’d break the most important one, too. He brushed his fingers through her hair and felt her relax against his side. “That’s not how Jesus works. He holds out his hand to those who want to repent and move on. It’s those who are convinced they’re right in their faith but are wrong, that’s when he flips tables and brings out the whips. Kelly, Jesus loves you with a tenderness no man can match.”
Not even him.