Foxtrot
T he next day they took a boat they chartered over to St. Johns where there were multiple shipwreck sites to explore and Eagle Shoals, where they investigated underwater arches, tunnels and caves. It was a full day of diving. Seated on the front of the boat as it made its way back to the dock on St. Thomas, Wilson scanned the horizon, where the sun was dropping towards the coastline in front of them. His conversation the previous evening with Tanya was still in his thoughts.
Tessman made his way forward with two cans of beer in his hand. He took a seat beside Wilson and handed him one. “This beats the hell out of winter in Chicago.”
Wilson popped the can open and took a hearty swig. “It sure does,” he said after he’d swallowed. “Shepherd told me I’m being pulled from the next PGP Install and reassigned to the next CIA mission.” He was sure they were far enough away from the boat crew that he wouldn’t be heard. “I’m replacing the Undertaker. His wife is pregnant with twins, and they have a doctor’s appointment he wants to attend.”
Tessman laughed. “Twins, Sloan is so screwed.”
Wilson laughed with him. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I can’t even imagine having one baby dependent on me, let alone two at once.”
“That’s why I always slip on the raincoat. I don’t want any unwelcome surprises,” Tessman said.
Wilson laughed. “It’s too bad the ladies we met last night flew home today.”
“Yeah, Jackie was fun. I wouldn’t have minded another day or two of her company.” He took a long pull from his can of beer. “I have Jackie’s contact info. If I’m ever in Atlanta, I’ll reach out to her. She said her friend, Tanya, doesn’t hook up. Is that true? Did you go back to your room alone last night?”
Wilson gazed out over the water again. “It would have been nice to be with her last night, but I’m not disappointed with how it went. It was cool just talking with her. She’s smart, getting her doctorate in astrophysics. She’s like on this completely different intellectual plane than the rest of us, analytical instead of emotional.”
“Yeah, right,” Tessman agreed in a way that communicated he didn’t believe a word Wilson said. “So, have you collected another friend?”
Wilson laughed and then pinned Tessman with a stare. “Don’t start with that again. I haven’t even thought about my other friend the whole time we’ve been here,” he lied.
The truth was, after he’d returned to his room the previous evening, Rae or Reina, as he was trying to make himself think of her as, had been in his thoughts. He had evaluated his relationship with her against what Tanya had said about him being the kind of person she’d want in her life, someone who is satisfied with their own life and not needing another to make them complete.
That was how he felt, too. If he was ever to have a relationship, it would be with someone who was independent and didn’t need him, just wanted him. Was that his issue with Rae? He didn’t feel that she was at that point in her life. Of course, thinking about her in those terms meant he had a romantic personal interest. He would never hold that lens up to decide if someone was friends-worthy. And in the back of his mind was what Garcia said. She had always been with men out of need. Maybe he did see her as a project, someone who needed his help.
“So I was thinking of reaching out to that flight attendant after we get back to the resort and see what she and her friend are planning for the evening. Maybe tonight will go differently for you,” Tessman said.
Wilson groaned inside. “Sure, whatever,” he said casually. “I plan to be on the dive boat as early as possible tomorrow. I want to make the most of the day before our late flight back.”
“That makes two of us,” Tessman said. “You turning into an old man on me? Can’t party late and still be up to dive early?” he teased.
Wilson scratched his forehead with his middle finger, flipping Tessman off while flashing him a smirk. Tessman grinned. When they reached the resort, they each went to their rooms with the intention of getting cleaned up. They’d meet at the poolside bar and grill again.
When Wilson stepped from the shower, an image hit his brain that made him stop in his tracks. Flashing through his mind was the scene inside the little shack after he’d kicked the door in when the two dumb-shit kids had launched ice at their SUV a few days earlier. One second, he saw his accurate memory of the boys within, cowering when the door exploded inward. The next second, he saw their bloodied bodies.
He stumbled over to the bed and sat on the edge, trying to purge the horrendous thought and calm his racing heart. He hadn’t given an order to return fire. The boys hadn’t been shot. Where the fuck had that image come from? And why did his brain present him with this thought now?
After several deep breaths, his heart rate returned to normal, and he ran his fingers through his wet hair, pushing it from his face. In all his years doing this job, he’d never experienced a flash of what could have gone differently, tragically, in an operation. When ordered to take a shot, or when giving that order, he never hesitated. If he was in a leadership role, he evaluated the situation and went with the best possible option. Often, there was no time for a lengthy analysis. He relied on his gut instinct from years of experience.
Then he reminded himself that was what he’d done in that situation. He knew immediately that something didn’t seem right. Somehow, he knew that the threat they faced wasn’t what it appeared to be. Blind deadly force was not called for. He’d made the right call. His team and the dumb-shit boys in the shed were all alive because he had. But that still didn’t explain why that possible outcome had just flashed through his thoughts.
Just then, his phone pinged with a text message. He retrieved it from the bathroom counter, feeling irritated that it was probably Tessman, asking him what was taking him so long. His room was stocked with a mini bar. He helped himself to a rum and diet and sat on the bed before checking the message. It wasn’t Tessman. The text was from Rae.
“Hi, I just wanted to share this,” her message read. It was followed by a screenshot of the student portal showing her as an enrolled student at Kirkwood Community College in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “I did it! I enrolled in my first college class. It starts next week.”
Wilson found himself smiling, happy for her. He wanted to tell her he was proud of her and that she’d do great, but his prior thoughts, wondering if he saw her as a project, someone he needed to help build, stopped him. He thought about his reply and sipped his drink before tapping it out. “Thank you for sharing. English 101, huh?”
“Can I call? It would be easier to talk than text,” she messaged.
Wilson hit dial, placing the call to her.
“Hello,” she answered. “I’m glad you could talk. I didn’t want to text it all.”
“Yes, I have a few minutes,” he said.
“So, I met with an admissions counselor on a Zoom call yesterday. Even though it was a snow day for us, they were all working remotely, so it worked out. She helped me with the application, and we talked about the path to my degree. She suggested I do my gen-eds first, and we even talked about me transferring to UIU, Upper Iowa University, to complete my bachelor’s degree and get my teaching certificate down the road. It’s a flexible university with accelerated programs. There’s a campus in Cedar Rapids and a lot of online or remote classes.”
He could hear the excitement in her voice. It made him smile. “That’s great, Rae. I’m amazed you jumped on it yesterday.”
“I told you I was going to.”
He chuckled. “You did. I guess I just learned that when you say you’re going to do something, you’re not just blowing smoke.”
She also laughed. “No, I rarely blow smoke. Seriously though, Jimmy, thank you for the encouragement.”
“You didn’t need it, but I’m glad I was here to share in the excitement of a new career.”
“Well, I’m a long way from that, but it’s nice to have this goal and take a first step towards making it happen,” she said honestly. “Even though it can be lonely sometimes, I think right now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished on my own. You know, I’ve basically been on my own since I was fifteen, but I was never really on my own. I always had a guy I relied on. I’m not that same person anymore. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. Yes, the Marshals gave me this house and this new identity, but I’m the one who stayed clean and got up for work every day. I take care of myself and I’m really proud of that.”
Wilson again found himself smiling into the phone. “You should be. You’re right. You had an opportunity from the Marshals, that’s all it was, an opportunity. You’re the one who’s made your life what it is.”
“Thanks, Jimmy. I hope you don’t mind me contacting you as often as I do.”
“I don’t mind at all, Rae, but you know, you can tell your coworkers about enrolling in college and your goal of becoming a teacher. I’m sure they’ll support you, too.”
“Yeah, I know. I can tell them about it without going into my past at all. I plan to, but I wanted to tell you first.”
“I like that you did,” he said. “But unfortunately, I do have to go. One of my teammates is waiting for me.” He wasn’t sure why he didn’t just say someone was waiting. Well, yes, he did. He didn’t want her thinking it was a woman. For some reason, he thought that might bother her.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d be working today,” she said.
Jimmy forced himself to laugh. “It seems like I’m always working, no matter what day of the week it is. But you’re off until Monday, lucky you. I’m actually due to report to the office on Sunday.”
“That stinks,” she said.
He decided against telling her he was in St. Thomas on a dive weekend. “I get other days off here and there that more than make up for it. Anyway, I’ll talk to you later. Thank you for sharing your news with me.”
“Thank you for your support and encouragement. Stay warm. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”
“Bye Rae,” he said and then disconnected the call.
He downed the rest of his drink and thought how that call had completely purged him of the feelings that had come with that horrible flash of what could have been during the last Op. He realized he was getting something out of this relationship with Rae. This wasn’t the first time talking with her had rid his thoughts of work stuff he wanted out of his brain, if even for just a few minutes.
Fifteen minutes later, Wilson strolled up to the poolside bar where Tessman was snuggled up with both the young flight attendant and another young woman, presumably the friend and fellow flight attendant she’d mentioned. He really wasn’t in the mood for this. They were lovely, but they were young, early twenties, barely.
The same older blonde woman was behind the bar. “Rum and diet?” she called as he reached the bar.
“Yes, ma’am,” he answered with a smile. He greeted the ladies, impressed with himself for remembering the flight attendant’s name.
The friend, Courtney, took a step closer to him when she introduced herself. He couldn’t help but notice her cleavage in the plunging, loose neckline of her sundress, which had no bra holding those perky breasts in place. He had to admit, the view was pretty spectacular.
“We were just discussing how the ladies go sans underclothing when they’re on the island,” Tessman said, leaning over to say it a bit quieter than the volume of his voice would have been from his own barstool. He made a point of obviously glancing down the front of each of their tops, followed by an appreciative smile.
“Yes, it’s just so freeing,” Courtney said, pressing herself to Wilson. “Nothing says vacation mode like a tropical breeze caressing you where air normally doesn’t touch. We love to go to the nude beach on the French side of St. Martin. Have you gone?” she asked, her gaze fixed on Wilson.
“Yeah, been there, done that,” he said. “Honestly, I love any beach, the sun, the smell of the ocean,” he added to soften his response. He knew he probably sounded like a dick with the matter-of-fact way he’d said, been there, done that. “And of course, diving beneath the surface of the water is the ultimate rush.”
The conversation over the next hour and several drinks became less awkward, but Wilson was just not into it. The girls were just so young. Courtney had just turned twenty-two. And the image that had flashed into his mind of the two boys shot to hell was still in his thoughts, nagging at him. He knew the job they did was serious with serious ramifications. He still couldn’t figure out why his brain had conjured that image. He knew a call to Lassiter was in order, but he would put that off for as long as he could.
When the conversation with Tessman and the two girls turned to discussing an orgy, Wilson knew he wasn’t up for that. Again, he’d been there, done that. He politely declined, citing a headache. Yeah, lame, he knew, but effective. Moments later, Tessman and the two girls finished their drinks and left, arm in arm in arm, to go to Tessman’s room for the night. Wilson knew he’d catch shit for it from Tessman in the morning.
“I didn’t take you for one to pass up opportunities,” the bartender said to Wilson, in her New York accent, after he’d watched Tessman and the girls disappear into the hotel.
“Not interested in that particular opportunity,” he told her, motioning to his drink for another. “And you have exceptional hearing.”
As the bartender slid the glass in front of him, her gaze shifted to where Tessman and the two women retreated. “Most men wouldn’t pass on that for another of my crappy drinks,” she said.
Wilson held the drink up to her. “Well, first off, your drinks aren’t crappy. And secondly, not missing anything. Been there, done that, not interested in it tonight.”
She raised an eyebrow questioningly.
“Don’t get me wrong, there was a time I’d be all over that,” he said. “I guess I’ve settled down. Besides, both those girls are young, very young.”
“Again, most men wouldn’t pass on that. The younger the better,” she said.
“I don’t know when it happened,” he said.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I guess I’m officially old and settled down,” he said with a laugh. “I’m just not interested in random sex with different women. Not even on vacation. That woman I met last night was interesting, completing her doctorate in astrophysics. I enjoyed getting to know her. The conversation was mentally stimulating. Sex would have been nice; I was attracted to her.” He wasn’t sure why he was having this conversation with this woman.
“Uh-huh,” the bartender said. “Mentally stimulating. And physically?” Then she noticed the group of four that stepped up to the other side of the bar. “Hold that thought.” She moved away to serve them.
Wilson smiled as she retreated. Yeah, he knew it sounded lame. But of course, he couldn’t go into anything regarding the image of the dead boys that had put his mood below adventurous.
When the bartender returned to him, after all the other guests had been served, she leaned in towards him. “Seriously though, if you’re being honest with yourself and me, I think we all get there at some point in time. I know I used to love to party. Bring it on, the more variety the better. But then we all grow up and realize there’s more to relationships than inserting A into B, or maybe even C.” She chuckled.
He laughed with her and nodded.
“So, what’s her name?” she asked.
“Whose name?” Wilson asked.
“The lady you’d rather be with tonight?” She raised both eyebrows.
Wilson smiled. “There’s no one.”
“Uh-huh, well then, there’s the idea you’d rather be with someone special. My friend, you’re not being honest with yourself.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” he said.
She laughed again. “You want someone special in your life. Maybe you’ve already met her, and she isn’t attainable. Maybe you have this image of the perfect woman for you. Either way, you didn’t want to partake in tonight’s festivities with your friend because you’d rather be with a specific woman or the image of that woman.”
“No, I just wasn’t in the mood tonight. I have some work stuff on my mind and, as I said, those girls are way too young.”
“Work stuff?” she asked. “You’re thinking about work stuff here? Then I’d say you really do need to get laid, my friend,” she said with a laugh, placing her hand on his.
Wilson laughed again. “Maybe.”
Other guests came up to the bar, and she had to move away again to serve them, leaving Wilson alone with his drink and his thoughts. He immediately dismissed some of her mistaken observations. He was not looking for a relationship and he didn’t have an image of his perfect woman. He had no time in his life for that, never had while doing this job.
He did realize, though, that over the course of the past few years he had settled down, which maybe was something that came with age and maturity. His mindset used to be work hard, with a serious and deliberate focus, and play even harder. YOLO baby.
He still brought that deliberate focus to work, but play had taken on a new definition. Like this trip. The entire reason for it in his mind was for the warmth of the ocean and the thrill of the dive. It wasn’t about how much adventure he could pack in, and that included adventure of all kinds, including sexual encounters, which yes, once would have been something he actively pursued.
Instead, his thoughts focused on the fact that he had a few days off. Why would he stay in the bitter cold of Chicago and sit around his tiny condo doing nothing when he could be in St. Thomas? Wasn’t that the beauty of his life and doing this job? He put in long hours and risked his ass, making a good buck doing it. He had been a top sniper in Delta, eliminated any target he was directed to. He knew better than anyone that tomorrow was not guaranteed. He’d learned that pretty quick when he joined Delta. And that fact had fueled many drunk nights indulging in anything that interested him.
“I see you’re deep in thought,” the bartender said as she re-joined him.
“Yeah, still work stuff,” he said.
“What do you do?” she asked.
He thought about it for a second and opted to go with, “Federal law enforcement.”
She seemed to be surprised. “Hum, I wouldn’t have pegged you for that either. I guess I’ve been wrong about you all the way around.”
Wilson chuckled. “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
“I rarely do that. So, without giving away vital information,” she joked, “what’s weighing on your mind while you’re on vacation?”
Wilson was not normally the spill your guts to a bartender type, but for some reason, he found talking with her easy. She reminded him of Rae in that way. “I was involved in a case that went okay, but it could have gone horribly wrong and that outcome that didn’t happen is weighing on me. I’ve never experienced this. My mindset has always been you do the best you can at the time with the information and resources available, and then move on.”
“What was different this time?” she asked.
“That’s just it. Nothing. Not that any case is routine. None are. This case threw us a few curveballs, but all assigned assets performed optimally. It’s wrapped up, but for some reason, it’s still on my mind.”
“Would you have done anything differently if you could do it over again?” she asked.
“No. All was executed as it had to be with the unknown variables at the time.”
She chuckled. “Now you do sound like law enforcement, or military.” She smiled and nodded. “Yeah, military. Which branch and unit were you in?”
Wilson grinned and took a drink of his rum and diet. “What do you think?”
“I don’t think you’d tell me if I guessed it. And I think if I were to press you on what you do now, you’d have to kill me if you told me.”
Wilson laughed. “Nothing that sinister,” he lied. He finished his drink off. “I’m going to call it a night,” he said. He didn’t know what the tab was, but he set some bills on the bar in front of him. It would more than cover his drinks. Tessman had paid before he and the girls left. “Thank you for the conversation.”
“You too,” she said.