Epilogue – Hunter’s Story #2
His voice strangled, a look of horror and disbelief flitting over his face, he continued brokenly, “He took my car. The one he bought and rebuilt with me. I went to my parents’ place to wait for him. You and Harley were sitting on the front porch…”
“It was a childish move,” I confessed. “You ruined my plan, but I was over it before I crossed the town line. I was blasting the music,” I willed him to hear me.
“I wasn’t even angry anymore, and I planned to talk to you when I got home.
I stopped at the stop sign but didn’t check the intersection.
I just assumed…” I trailed off, unable to speak past the painful lump in my throat.
“The officer came to the door…”
I felt his horror. “I’m so sorry, Hawk,” I whispered, my voice husky with shared grief.
Arms locked around each other, they rocked back and forth.
“So much crying. Mom’s screams. Dad,” his voice broke, “My dad… the noises he made... Harley’s,” he gulped, “…face.”
My chin dropped to my chest. How much of this could I take? “It was an accident,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean it.”
Hawkley pressed his face to Noelle’s chest. “I lost…you that day.” He dragged in a shuddering breath. “I lost …him that day. I lost …me that day. And they lost everything because of me.”
“No,” I moaned. “You didn’t do anything wrong.
Fuck! It was an accident!” I broke off with a sob then gathered myself together, hoping somehow, he would hear me.
Leaning close, with my hand on his shoulder, I willed him to hear me.
“I’m sorry, Hawk. I could die a thousand deaths for what I’ve done to you. ”
Noelle wrapped herself around him. “Hunter would die a thousand deaths if he knew what this did to you. It was not your fault, baby. It was a fucking tragic accident. It was not your fault.”
A flicker of hope lit my chest. She could hear me.
“I miss him,” Hawk whispered.
“I miss you, too,” I whispered back, my voice strangled. “You were the best brother. The best.”
“Every day, I miss him.” Hawk continued. “Our last words…”
“I would have gotten over it,” I promised far too late. “I love you. I would have been your best man.”
Noelle rubbed his back. “I know, baby. But know this. No two brothers loved each other the way you two did. He would have gotten over it. He would have been your best man. And he would have absolutely spit-fire roasted you for stealing me away from him when he gave his speech.”
I huffed out a laugh. And found myself back in that room with the couches and the wide comfortable chairs with Him.
I wiped the tears from my face and laid my head on the back of the couch. “Why? Why did you make me see that?”
“I’m sorry,” he answered quietly. “It’s not easy to help them.”
“Why?” I pressed.
“He needs to let you go. He needs a way to say goodbye.”
I nodded and closed my eyes. “And I can help with that?”
“Can’t you?”
I opened my eyes and lifted my head.
Hawkley and Max moved along the wall of the cabin like a unit, nailing drywall over what used to be cheap paneling.
For a while, I just watched, assailed by good memories.
“Remember when we built a fort underneath the porch and that fucking feral raccoon chased us out?” I mused.
Max chuckled. “Remember the raccoon?”
Hawk snorted. “Fucking Hunter.”
“He had the worst ideas,” Max agreed with a grin.
“And the best,” Hawkley answered. “Remember changing the Hailey’s Falls sign?”
Max laughed. “Or the lawn tractor race? He made a hundred dollars off that.”
I was in tune with them in a way I’d never been in life. No sooner had I recalled a memory aloud, that one of them repeated it.
My thoughts came just as quickly but they didn’t get jumbled up like they used to. I noticed things I never noticed before, like the way Max’s eyes crinkled just before he laughed. And how Hawkley operated on a constant state of alert.
There was laughter, so much laughter.
And pain.
Like an infection left untreated for too long, it simply became part of the new normal. And while painful, it was also familiar to them both by this point.
And they nurtured it to keep me close.
Especially Hawkley. “You need to let me go, now, Hawk.”
He lifted his chin, his eyes open and steady, staring straight ahead.
I stood and moved slightly to put myself directly in his line of sight. With tears in my eyes, knowing this would be the last I would see him, I urged, “You need to let me go, now.”
“Hawkley? You all right?”
My big brother, the one who protected me all my life, turned to our best friend. “I need to let him go. But I don’t know how to say goodbye.”
I tunneled my hands into my hair. There had to be something.
“His life was cut way too short. There was so much he wanted to do.”
“He always had a plan,” Max agreed. “And we were more than willing to go along with most of them.”
“My bucket list,” I whispered. “Hawkley, finish my bucket list. Finish my bucket list and marry Noelle.”
“Didn’t he used to make a bucket list every year?”
“I have it,” Hawkley answered. “Should we do it?”
“Do it!” I exclaimed, even as I fought the pull to return. “Do it! Say goodbye! I love you!” I kept my eyes on him as long as I could. And when I got back, I sat down on my floor, and I cried.
It felt like hours but could have been only minutes had passed when I felt a soft and familiar hand on the nape of my neck.
“Sh,” she soothed. “It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”
I looked up in horror. “Aunt Christine?”
She smiled weakly. “Surprise!”
My mother’s best friend and Noelle and Max’s mom, Christine was my honorary aunt. And really, the only one I knew. “What are you doing here?”
She snorted out a laugh. “Really, Hunter?”
I gaped, grateful to see her and guilty that I was grateful. But it didn’t stop me from throwing myself into her arms.
She laughed. “You have no idea how good it feels to be strong again.”
I squeezed her tight for a minute longer before pulling back. “It was bad?”
She grimaced. “It wasn’t good.”
“Did He say you could help?”
She answered slowly, carefully. “He did.”
I huffed out a laugh. “You know, Aunt Christine, there’s a helluva lot of downtime.”
She frowned. “The word hell is frowned upon in these parts.”
“Heck?”
She pressed her lips together tightly. “Probably best not to make the inference at all.”
Standing up, she offered me her hand. “Ready?”
I drew in a shaky breath and admitted, “I’m not sure.”
Her face softened. “You’ll be okay. I’m going with you this time.”
“Who are we going to see?”
She smiled; her eyes lit with joy. “Noelle.”
We landed at the old carousel just as Noelle made it across the bridge. “Hey, old buddy,” I whispered. Cocking an eyebrow, I asked Christine, “Have you seen Old Man Gillie?”
My aunt smiled. “Oh, yeah. He’s still the same. He’s looking forward to seeing you.”
“Huh,” I murmured. “Why do you think I haven’t seen him yet?”
She shrugged. “I’ve got a feeling you might see him after all this.”
Noelle circled the carousel.
“She’s looking for our horse,” I murmured then called to her. “It’s here, Noelle.” I turned to my aunt. “This one was always my favorite pony, the one I rode whenever my mom brought me here.”
Noelle reached us and traced the letters we carved into it a million years ago, then huffed out a laugh.
“Oh,” my aunt breathed, her face full of wonder. “She’s so beautiful.” Then her face lit up. “She’s pregnant, Hunter!”
“I’m going to be an uncle,” I breathed, then laughed. “And you’re going to be a grandmother!”
“Oh, no,” she breathed, wrapping herself around Noelle who bent her head to the pony. “She’s crying.”
“Hunter, I miss you,” she whispered.
“I’m here, Noelle,” I promised, my knees hitting the ground. “I’m not so far away.”
Aunt Christine held her while she cried.
“You’re always here, though.” she stroked the pony’s side. She patted the pony’s chest and came in contact with a metal plate.
I bent to read it.
For Hunter. Ride on, little buddy.
I turned away.
I had to.
Dying was easy. It was the staying that hurt.
“Wipe your face, my sweet girl,” Christine urged, her own tears streaming. “It’s cold. Dry your pretty face.”
Noelle pulled the end of her scarf out of her jacket and wiped her face.
We walked with her as she retraced her steps down to the beach, and when we reached her old neighborhood where her dad still lived, Christine stood staring at the house for long moments before catching up with us.
I reached out my hand for hers and held it while it trembled in mine until we reached the river.
“She needs me,” Christine explained as she released my hand and led Noelle to sit on a bench.
Sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on the bench next to her daughter, Christine remembered, “I read to you on this bench. We picnicked right here.” She huffed out a soft laugh.
“I told you about the birds and the bees on this bench.” Eyeing her daughter’s swelling belly, she laughed. “Looks like that lesson stuck.”
Noelle stared out at the river and cried.
“My sweet girl, you’re not alone. Love is all around you. Don’t you know, you, yourself are made of love? You are love!”
I couldn’t count the number of times I heard Christine say that to all of us. My throat tightened, but I kept my distance, giving her time with her daughter.
“I loved you and Max and your dad with all my heart, and I love you still.”
Noelle sank into herself. “I can’t do it, Mom. I can’t take another loss.”
The silver sheen of tears striped Christine’s cheeks. “Open your heart, my sweet girl. Open your heart or you’ll miss the magic.” She laughed softly, touching her daughter’s face. “You are magic.”
“My dreams didn’t take me too far, Mom,” Noelle murmured.
Christine answered softly, “The story isn’t over yet.”
I remembered her saying that, too, whenever something went wrong. Everything was coming back to me.
Noelle pulled an old, frayed ribbon from her pocket and weaved it through her trembling fingers for several moments.
When she opened her cell phone, I peered over her shoulder. “What the actual fuck is that?”