Chapter Twenty Mateo
M y phone dinged in my pocket, and I pulled it out as it began to read the message aloud.
Adam: Want me to grab anything from town before I head over?
Me: I think I’ve got everything we need for dinner tonight.
Adam: I got some paper plates and stuff so you don’t have to do dishes.
Me: Thanks.
Adam: Oh and I noticed you were low on milk when I was there yesterday and I know how much of a hassle it is for you to go into town, so I got you more.
Me: Thanks
Adam: On my way now! See you soon!
Me: See you soon
I put my phone back in my pocket with a sigh. I was being short with him again. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate him being thoughtful. It was cute. But I still felt like he was overstepping a bit. Was going into town a pain in the ass? Yeah. Of course it was. Even for people that could see, going into town for groceries was still less than exciting. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t prepared to do it. In fact, a part of me liked doing it because it helped me prove to the world and most importantly myself, that I was a fully capable human being despite my differences.
And Adam, with all the best intentions in the world, was taking that away from me.
We’d been spending pretty much the last week together after our night on the beach. And every time he was around, he found something else to help with to try and make my life easier. He went out of his way to get me things, to make sure I was stocked on stuff, or did everything for me. I wasn’t sure what had brought it on all of a sudden, but I was starting to get a bit irritated with it all. Where was the Adam that treated me like just any other guy? That was the one I liked.
Tonight, I’d have to have a talk with him. I knew it would be difficult since he was in such a delicate place emotionally. He’d finally started opening up to me without prompting and now I was going to critique his behavior. But, if I was being honest, he needed to be open to that as well. Having a relationship wasn’t just about telling your truth, but also hearing the needs and wants of the other person as well.
Of course, I tried to convince myself I was telling him this because it was just good practice . That’s what he wanted out of our fake relationship, right? So, I had to put him through every scenario I could think of to help him better prepare for his next man.
However, just the thought of him moving onto the next man made my skin crawl. I was becoming more and more aware with every passing day that I didn’t want to let him go. This arrangement of ours was quickly worming its way into the deepest places of my heart.
After just a few weeks of seeing Adam, I was starting to think that I’d like to spend the rest of my life with him if he’d let me. I sort of hoped he felt the same. But this sudden incessant need of his to do everything for me was putting a damper on things. Once we talked everything through, then I’d figure out what I was going to tell him.
Until then, it was just another date night with Adam. Best to keep my feelings tucked away for the moment until we got over this little hurdle. After all, he might not react well to what I had to say, and that was something I needed to be aware of before I let myself get too lost in my own feelings.
Twenty minutes later Adam was knocking at my door with grocery bags in hand. From the sound of the rustling plastic, he hadn’t only gotten milk and paper plates. It sounded like he’d bought enough to fill my entire pantry.
“Are we feeding an army tonight?” I asked, stepping aside as he headed down the hallway.
“I didn’t get that much,” he replied, placing it all on the counter. Bags rustled some more as he began to unpack. “I got the paper plates and the milk. And then I thought it would be nice to get some treats for Bessie and some treats for us. Oh, and I remembered that you were low on butter the last time I was here, so I grabbed some of that. And–”
“Adam,” I said, my fingers gripping the edge of the counter a little harder than I anticipated. I fought to keep my voice steady. “You really don’t need to do all that. I already planned to take a trip to the store later this week.”
“It was no trouble.”
“I appreciate it. But…”
The rustling stopped. “But what?”
I took a deep breath. “Well, it just makes me feel a little bad, you know? You don’t have a job right now and I’ve got more money than I need. At least let me pay you back.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“No, Adam. I really want to.” I was doing my best to keep myself under control. “Please.”
“It’s fine.”
“Adam,” I said, my voice firm.
There was a long pause.
“Are… Are you mad at me?”
Another sigh as my chest tightened. “I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want you doing all this for me. The whole point of tonight was for you to come over and relax while I made you dinner. I already have everything I need.”
“I just wanted to make things easier for you.” There was a hurt tone in his voice that reminded me so much of my mother when she didn’t get her way. Despite my best intentions, I felt the heat rising in my chest. “I know stuff can be difficult for you–”
“Because I’m blind?” I snapped. “Is that it?”
Silence.
“It is not harder for me to clean a plate than it is for you, Adam. I don’t know how many times I have to tell seeing people this before they’ll get it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need help or for someone to make things easy.”
“I…” Adam faltered, his voice shaky. “I was just trying to be nice.”
“Well, what you don’t realize is that you being nice means I get treated like an invalid. I’m not a vegetable Adam. I just can’t fucking see.”
I could almost hear the lump rising in his throat. He took in a sharp breath and the moment I heard it, my sudden burst of anger melted into a puddle of shame.
“Adam,” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.” I pulled one of the stools away from the counter and sat down, burying my face in my palms. “I just… I’m so fucking tired of people thinking I can’t take care of myself.”
“I know you can… I just wanted to be useful to you.”
“I don’t need someone to be useful to me,” I replied. “In fact, in this situation, I’m the one that’s supposed to be useful to you , remember?”
“I just–”
“Listen,” I said, interrupting him. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it. But I’m a grown man. I’ve been blind for over a decade, so I know how to take care of myself. And I take a lot of pride in being independent. It took me years to prove to my parents that I could live alone and even now they hound me and try to talk me into moving back home. But I want to have my own life and the last thing I need is someone babying me thinking they’re doing me a favor.” I glanced up at him, knowing he was only a few feet away. “Do you understand?”
There was a sniffle and a very audible gulp before Adam replied.
“I… I understand.”
I let out a long, low sigh. “Thank you, Adam.”
“No problem.”
His tone was cold, but I let it slide. I knew this talk wasn’t going to be an easy one. And I’d snapped too, which I wasn’t proud of. So, I said the first thing I could think of to try to make it more palatable.
“Hey, maybe the next guy you find will really be into that though,” I added, trying to smile. “Lots of guys love to be taken care of.”
“Yeah. Of course.”
Then the bags began to rustle again.