Chapter Twenty-One Adam
W ell, I was fucking everything up again just like I always did. After my last date with Mateo, I was fairly sure the dude hated me. Or at least he wanted me to back the fuck off.
He wasn’t mean to me exactly, but he’d definitely made himself known. And I felt hurt because of it, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I wanted to do things for him. Not just because it seemed like it made his life easier, but because it was how I could show him I cared. The sex was great, and I was more than happy to give that to him, but making his life comfortable and easy made me feel good too.
So, I felt like my needs were being ignored to preserve his independence.
I probably should’ve talked to him about it, but it was too scary if I was being honest. Whenever a guy wanted to talk to me seriously about something, it meant he was breaking up with me. That’s just how things went. So, I was doing everything I could to avoid such a conversation with Mateo.
Unfortunately, avoiding him didn’t make the guilt go away. This man, whom I adored more than anyone I had in a long time, was clearly upset with me. That meant I’d done something wrong. And while I hadn’t said much at the time, I felt like I owed him another apology. It felt as if everything I’d worked so hard for with him was dangling by a thread and I wasn’t ready to let go of it just yet.
I’d waited the entire night to talk to him. But I couldn’t stand to wait another moment. Taking out my phone, I pulled up our text conversation and started to type.
Me: Hey. Sorry if this seems out of the blue, but I wanted to apologize to you for last night. I didn’t realize I was stepping on your toes so much.
Mateo: Don’t apologize.
It was a short answer, but I still felt hopeful. I began to type back until another message came through that caught me off guard.
Mateo: I wasn’t trying to be hard on you. But I know you want the practice of being open and honest, so I figured I should be the same back. Your future relationships will probably have a little bit of conflict in them, so best to learn how to deal with it now, right?
My hopes were dashed as I read his message for the second and third time just to make sure I was understanding it. It seemed Mateo had no real interest in me. Everything he did was for the benefit of my future relationships. If he wanted one with me, wouldn’t he just say something?
A cold tightness gripped my chest and my breath caught in my throat. I’d been really fucking stupid, hadn’t I? All this time I’d been pretending that something was going to come out of this fake relationship that I’d started. But the truth was, we set the rules up front, and we both agreed to them. Out of the pair of us, I was the only one trying to break them. Mateo, dutifully and for my own benefit, had followed the terms of our agreement.
Heat flushed to my cheeks and my eyes burned as I realized how much of a fucking idiot I was. Why had I let myself get my hopes up about something that could never be? It turned out that in the end, Mateo wasn’t nearly as blind as I was. Like always, I couldn’t see anything beyond my own wants.
With numb fingers, I typed my response.
Me: Right.
Mateo: Do you want to hang out again tonight?
Me: I was gonna take a night to myself if that’s okay. Just tired.
Mateo: No problem, baby. Enjoy your night!
Me: Thanks.
I tossed my phone to the side, falling back on the couch with my arm draped over my eyes like the dramatic stupid bitch I was. My eyes stung as I tried to force back the tears. But no matter what I did, they came anyway.
I’d only been lying there a minute or so when my phone rang, buzzing loudly against the table as the music filled the air. Glancing over I saw the name on the screen. Mom .
“Fuck,” I grumbled, pushing myself up and rubbing the tears out of my eyes.
Talking to anyone sounded awful. But talking to her especially would be painful. She could always tell when I was upset, and I didn’t really want to be badgered right now. But if I didn’t pick up the phone, she wouldn’t stop calling. And if I didn’t pick up after all that, she might send the police to my house to make sure I wasn’t dead. That was something I really didn’t want to deal with.
Best to just answer her.
I made a vain attempt to compose myself, clearing my throat before I clicked the green button and held the phone to my ear.
“H-Hello?” I said, my voice cracking.
There was a long pause. “Are you okay? You sound upset.”
Fucking hell. The woman had a sixth sense. It was uncanny.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied. “I was just taking a nap. What’s up?”
“Sorry to wake you, honey.” She sounded sad about it for just a moment before her tone took on a much cheerier vibe. “I’ve got a surprise for you though!”
If there was one thing I knew about Mom’s surprises, it was that they usually weren’t what I was expecting. And they always seemed to benefit her in some way. Don’t get me wrong, her heart was in the right place, but I just wasn’t really in the mood for a surprise from anyone right now.
“Oh?” I said, trying to muster a smile. “What’s the surprise?”
“I’m in town!”
“O-Oh…”
“You don’t sound happy,” she said, and I could almost hear the pouty lip she was sticking out.
“No, no!” I replied, desperately trying to recover. “It’s just when you said you were gonna visit, I didn’t think it would be so soon. I thought you meant toward the end of the summer.”
“Well, I had some PTO from work that I needed to use up and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to spend it with my favorite guy in the whole world.”
“I’m flattered.” I glanced over at the door to the second bedroom where I had the sex swing already broken down, but not hidden well. “When should I expect you? I’ll make up the second bedroom.”
“Oh no. I couldn’t impose like that,” she chuckled. “Besides, I know you haven’t gotten a chance to get a second bed for your place. No offense honey, but that pull-out couch hurt my back when I was in my twenties and visiting your uncle. I can’t imagine it’s improved with age.”
“You’re not wrong.”
“So, I’m in a hotel for the week.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “I got a room with a view out over Lake Michigan! It’s pretty spectacular!”
“It is really pretty here…”
“Honey, don’t take this the wrong way, but you sound off.”
“I told you, I’m still waking up.”
“Well, get some coffee and come see me!” She paused for a moment. “Better yet, why don’t you come downtown, and we’ll get lunch and coffee together! I saw a cute little cafe down the road that I wanted to try.”
Glancing at the clock on the wall I saw it was nearly one in the afternoon. I hadn’t eaten or barely even moved the entire day. Coffee sounded wonderful too. Plus, it might be nice to visit with someone other than Mateo. It would help get my mind off things.
“Alright. Can you give me a half hour?”
“Of course, honey.”
“Text me the name of the place and I’ll meet you there.”
“Sounds good! I can’t wait to catch up and figure out what you’ve been doing out here! You’ve gotta have lots of plans for the future by now so I bet we’ll have a lot to talk about! Love you!”
“Love you too…”
The connection ended and I let the phone drop to my lap. Boy was she gonna be surprised when she found out that I’d figured out literally nothing and that I’d spent my entire summer so far just lusting after some dude that wanted nothing to do with me.
Talk about a waste of time and energy on my part.