Chapter 63
CHAPTER 63
DIXIE
H ayes was staring right into my soul. I felt myself holding my breath. I could see the terror in his eyes. I knew what I was asking of him. And I was also fully aware he might not be ready to make that commitment. I would have to accept that. All afternoon I had been thinking about this conversation. I knew what I needed for me. If I was going to be raising this baby on my own, that was fine. I knew I could do it, but it was going to take focus. I couldn’t afford distractions in the form of Hayes popping in here and there. He was either a father or he wasn’t. My child was not something he got to remember when he had the time. I was ready to go to bat for my child no matter how much it broke my heart to lose a man I had fallen in love with.
“I’m one hundred percent in,” he said. “I can’t lose you. My life has been infinitely better since you became a part of it. You’re everything to me, Dixie. And if this is what you want, then I’m happy.”
My heart sank. This whole time, I’d been worried that he would stay with me because of the baby. But now, it seemed like he was staying because he needed me , not because he wanted us —me, the baby, and the future we could build together. That didn’t sound like he was one hundred percent in.
I shook my head, my chest tightening. “This still isn’t right. I need to go.”
I stood up abruptly. Hayes followed me out of the food truck patio and down the block, his footsteps quick behind me.
“Dixie, wait,” he called, his voice filled with frustration. “I don’t understand. I’m in! You asked me if I was in or out. I’m in! I don’t get it. What did I say wrong?”
I stopped and turned to face him. “No, you’re not. Not really. You never once mentioned anything about the baby when you were talking about what you wanted. That’s no accident.”
I spun around and kept walking.
Hayes grabbed my hand, turning me to face him. He looked confused and frustrated. “Why are you making this so difficult? Okay, I didn’t say things perfectly, but you’re reading into it too much. Now it’s like you’re trying to build a barrier between us. I can’t win.”
“It’s not about winning,” I said sharply, pulling my hand away.
“Now you’re nitpicking my words,” he shot back, his voice rising.
“Nitpicking your words?” I snapped, my voice trembling with frustration. “This isn’t about your words , Hayes. It’s about what’s behind them! You say you’re in, but you don’t even mention the baby. What does that tell me? That you’re in for the feel good stuff. Not for the struggles that will come with trying to be parents.”
He stared at me, his jaw tightening. “You’re twisting this into something it’s not. I don’t know what else you want me to say. I told you I’m committed. What more do you need?”
“I need you to mean it!” I shouted, tears burning my eyes. “I need you to want this—all of it—not just me. Because if you’re only here for me, then what happens when things get hard? When the baby cries all night or when we’re exhausted and snapping at each other? Are you going to bail because this isn’t what you signed up for?”
“That’s not fair,” he said. “You act like I’m some kind of coward who runs when things get tough. I told you I’m in, Dixie. But you’re not listening to me. You’re so caught up in your own fears that you’re not giving me a chance to prove it. I didn’t mention the baby because I thought it was obvious. You’re carrying our child. That’s part of you. Part of us. How could I want you and not want the baby too?”
I stood there, my chest heaving, tears burning my eyes.
“I’m scared too,” he admitted softly. “Terrified, actually. But I’m not running from it. I’m standing here, right now, trying to figure this out with you. Isn’t that what matters? That we’re in this together? If you don’t want me in, then tell me now. If you’re looking for an excuse to not be with me, fine. I get it. But that baby is mine and I will be a father. I will financially support you and my child. I will spend time with my child. We can go fifty-fifty, but I will be in my child’s life.”
I could hear the anger in his voice. Once again, I hurt him by pushing my fears onto him. He was vowing to be there, and I just couldn’t accept him at face value. Whose fault was that? Mine or his? I was scared and looking for a defense.
He stepped closer until we were standing almost nose to nose. The heat of our anger and frustration crackled between us.
“You don’t get it, Hayes. And you don’t have to. I have everything I need to do this on my own. I don’t need you, your money, your pity, or your help.”
His eyes narrowed, flashing with anger. “I never said you needed it. But you can have it. You have everything of mine. My heart and my fucking soul, Dixie.”
My resolve wavered. Hayes must have seen it because he seized the moment. He cupped my cheek, his touch gentle but firm, and kissed me. The kiss started soft, almost tentative, but it quickly grew more urgent. His fingers tangled in my hair, pulling me closer. I melted into him, my hands gripping his shoulders for balance.
When we finally broke apart, we were both breathless, our foreheads pressed together as we stood there, him leaned down to match my height.
“I want this,” he said softly, his voice trembling. “I want us. All of us. How can I make you believe me?”
I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of his breath against my skin. My heart was pounding, my mind a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to believe him—desperately. But the fear, that nagging voice in the back of my head, wouldn’t let me fully trust.
“Show me,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. “Show me that you’re in it for the long haul. Not just when it’s easy, but when it’s messy and hard and exhausting. Prove to me that this isn’t just a passing thing.”
“Alright,” he said. “I will. But, Dixie, you have to let me in. You can’t keep shutting me out every time you get scared. If we’re going to do this—if we’re going to raise this baby together—we have to be a team. No more running. No more pushing me away. I can want you and the baby. Right now, the baby isn’t here. You are.”
I swallowed hard, my heart pounding. The man was offering himself on a silver platter. How could I not want that? Screw the fear. I wanted to live in the moment and not care about what might happen. I wasn’t going to keep pushing my self-doubt on him. He was here and committing to me. That was exactly what I wanted.
“Take me home,” I whispered.
“My car,” he said. “Is it safe here?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Maybe you should bring it to my building.”
He groaned. “Come with me. I don’t want to be apart.”
I smiled. “It’s a block.”
“A block too many.”
With my hand in his, we practically ran the short distance to where his car was parked. When we reached the car, he opened the passenger door for me, his hand lingering on the small of my back as I slid in. He rounded the car to the driver’s side and hopped in. We made it to my building in record time.
We stumbled into my apartment, our hands and lips desperate for each other. The moment the door closed behind us, Hayes pinned me against it, his mouth crashing into mine. The kiss was frantic, eager, and assertive.
His hands were everywhere—in my hair, on my waist, sliding under my shirt to explore the skin beneath. I tugged at his jacket, pushing it off his shoulders and letting it fall to the floor. His shirt followed. I groaned at the contact of my palms against his hot skin. I ran my hands over his chest, feeling the muscles ripple and the rapid beat of his heart.
His mouth covered mine, his tongue pushing inside. He kissed a trail of soft pecks along my jawline before capturing my earlobe between his teeth. I moaned as he nibbled and sucked on it, sending shivers down my spine. His hands slipped around me, cupping my ass and squeezing.
I groaned and dropped my head back. He took advantage of the exposed skin and slid his tongue down my throat.
Hayes trailed kisses down my neck as his hands slid under the hem of my shirt once again, caressing the bare skin of my lower back. I arched into him, craving more contact. My fingers raked through his hair, tugging lightly.
“Bedroom,” I breathed. “Now.”
Hayes scooped me up effortlessly and carried me down the hall, never breaking our kiss. He laid me gently on the bed and crawled over me, settling his weight between my legs.
I could feel how much he wanted me, hard and insistent against my thigh.
“Dixie,” he murmured, his voice rough as he kissed my neck. “Tell me this is what you want.”
“It is,” I whispered, my hands reaching for him. “I want you. All of you.”
He kissed me again even as he grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up. We broke the kiss long enough for him to pull it over my head. He tossed it over his shoulder and immediately returned his mouth to mine. He slid his hand under my back and quickly unhooked my bra.
Hayes pulled back to look down at me. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured reverently.
His thumbs brushed over my nipples, teasing until they pebbled under his touch. I arched into his hands, silently begging for more. Hayes obliged, cupping my breasts and squeezing gently before rolling the sensitive buds between his fingers.
“I love how you react to my touch,” he murmured.
He bent down and captured one nipple between his lips, sucking lightly. I gasped and threaded my fingers through his hair, holding him close to my chest.
“Yes,” I breathed. “Don’t stop.”
Hayes switched to the other breast, lavishing it with the same attention. His teeth scraped against the sensitive flesh, sending tingles straight to my core. With each touch, each kiss, each nip, the heat between my legs grew more intense.
His hand drifted lower, over my stomach and to the waistband of my leggings. He teasingly dipped his fingers under the elastic. My hips jerked at the contact. His teeth pulled at one of my sensitive nipples before he gently suckled. He was in total control of my body and my pleasure.
Hayes pushed at my leggings. He hooked his fingers in the sides and tugged them down my legs inch by tortuous inch. I lifted my hips to help him remove them completely.
He tossed them aside and settled between my legs once more, the heat of his skin seeping into mine. The bulge in his pants was unmistakable, pressing urgently against my core. I rolled my hips, rubbing against him, silently begging for more friction.
Hayes groaned and captured my lips in a heated kiss. His tongue pushed past my lips, tangling with mine. The kiss was messy and desperate as if we couldn’t get enough of each other.
His mouth broke from mine to trail kisses along my jaw, down my neck, over the swell of my breasts. He licked at the hollow of my throat before sucking on a particularly sensitive spot.
“Yes,” I gasped.
I reached for him, attempting to pull him closer. I needed more of him, all of him. Hayes chuckled darkly against my overheated skin as if he could sense my desperation.
“What do you need?” he murmured as he kissed across my collarbone.
“You,” I breathed, grabbing his face and pulling him in for a kiss. Hayes’s lips crashed into mine with a bruising force.
I could feel his control slipping, matching my own desperate need. His hand drifted lower, teasing along the crease of my thigh. I parted my legs wider in invitation. A finger brushed lightly over my damp panties. The contact had me arching once again.
“So wet already,” Hayes groaned appreciatively. “You want this.”
“Yes,” I gasped as he stroked me through the fabric. “Only you.”
Something inside him seemed to snap at that. Hayes surged forward, kissing me fiercely as his fingers shoved aside my panties. The first touch of his skin against bare flesh made me buck wildly.
He circled my entrance teasingly before plunging two fingers deep inside me without warning. That was all it took for me to come undone.