11. Cori - Age 15
Chapter eleven
THIRTEEN-AND-A-HALF YEARS AGO
D eck turned a card over in his hand. The fabric bracelet Marisol made him earlier that evening slid around on his wrist, drawing my eyes to the muscles in his forearm.
He tapped the card against his head, as though attempting to read it through osmosis.
It was one of the first ones I’d made, back when a teacher in middle school explained the SATs to me.
Hard to believe I’d finally be taking the PSATs this year.
For so long, college had seemed like an abstract concept.
Now the concept felt more like a plan. A plan that began with high test scores and good grades.
I’d need both to secure the type of scholarship that would cover my tuition and provide me with a dorm room.
Allow me to live somewhere other than a stupid trailer where I got woken up every night by Johnny taking a piss or my mom stumbling in with some loser to entertain .
I didn’t want to go too far—the University of Washington in Seattle was my dream—but I needed to put some distance between Everett and me.
Deck held up a card with exacerbate written on it.
“To make worse or increase the severity of.”
“Right-o.” He held up another. Provocative .
“Intending to provoke, inspire, or arouse.”
Deck gave a short nod and shifted in his seat.
We sat on the same side of the Deckers’ dining table.
An open bag of Doritos rested on a chair between us.
An hour ago, I’d put Marisol to bed, and Deck asked if I could look over one of his English assignments.
He had done a decent job creating his PowerPoint presentation on Macbeth , so we finished the small edits quickly.
Afterward, he offered to review my flash cards for the gazillionth time.
Deck always seemed down to practice with me.
Maybe because he didn’t have to read anything, just hold them up.
He would never admit it, but I also thought he enjoyed learning the words.
Whatever the reason, I never passed up the opportunity to spend time with him.
With the beautiful boy who had teased and protected me since I was ten.
For years, I had been attracted to him in a little girl’s way.
And loved him like family. But now, as I saw glimpses of the man Deck was becoming—both good and bad—as he revealed to me the person no one else was allowed to see, my love for him had evolved into something more genuine.
Something with gradiations , frayed at the edges.
Something torn and stretched in certain places, stitched tighter in others.
It consumed me and burdened me in turn.
Because I got to see a side of Deck he reserved only for me.
Even with his enormous family and how close he was to my brother, I seemed to be the only one who understood that Deck’s I don’t care about school or anything attitude was a front for being terrified of disappointing people.
In return, he saw me in a way no one else in my life did.
He knew how I played my part to get by in the neighborhood.
We kept each other’s secrets.
My longing for him used to stem from the way I felt whenever he was near—the stomach butterflies and wishing he would give me my first kiss.
Those things were still there, but now it also sprang from the belief that I was his shelter from the storm, the only person he let his guard down for.
He didn’t have to pretend to be hard for my sake.
That's why I was pretty sure he loved me back.
Because he let me see the real him.
I loved him despite the fact he and Johnny had been hanging out with Chi-chi, making shitty decisions and acting like fools. I suspected Deck had tried to bring Cruz, Eliazar, and my brother out of the situation. Tried and failed.
Deck felt like the black sheep of his family. His parents didn’t know what to do with him. He lashed out at them. María and Michael yelled back. Part of the reason they asked me to babysit Marisol all the time was because they knew that when Deck opened the door for me, his shoulders eased.
I wanted to put my arms around him and offer him that comfort, to reassure him he wasn’t alone. I saw what he saw. Johnny experimenting with meth. Eliazar’s parents close to kicking him out. Cruz’s family MIA for months.
But infuriatingly, he never allowed himself to acknowledge what had changed between us. Some misplaced sense of honor held him back. I knew he didn’t think he was good enough for me. But he couldn’t bring himself to stay away either.
We gravitated toward one another, but whenever we got too close, Deck got scared. He would hurt me. Pull away.
Like last summer, when we played around in the backyard sprinklers at Angelina and Justina’s birthday party.
He chased me to the side yard before lifting me and spinning me in circles over the water.
I screamed as he made me dizzy. When he came to a stop, both of us laughing, my wet body slid down his until we were eye to eye.
Everything around us fell away. All the noise faded to a low buzzing.
Deck held our bodies together, my bikini top plastered to his naked chest. He swallowed, and his eyes landed on my mouth.
I was sure he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t.
Instead, he quietly set me down and stepped away.
No one seemed to notice other than Marisol, and I wasn’t sure how much an eight-year-old would read into the moment.
After that, Deck dated Daria Drysdale for a few weeks. He made a point of inviting her over to make out on his couch when he knew I would be there watching his sister.
Another time, we were watching a movie on the Deckers’ couch with Johnny and Cruz.
Deck sat next to me, and during the movie, our hands slowly moved closer.
By the end, his fingers curled over mine.
But when Cruz flipped the lights back on, Deck pulled his hand away and stared down like he couldn’t believe it had happened.
Then he went out with skanky Mandy Ramos until Halloween.
He’d been single since then, almost four months. Although who knew what he got up to with girls at Chi-chi’s? I’d heard the stories.
All I knew for sure was that Deck seemed determined to stretch the invisible rubber band binding us together to its limits. As a result, whenever he snapped back into my life, it stung. Even as I welcomed the pain.
Like now.
Deck held up another card. Inscrutable .
“Incapable of being investigated, analyzed, or scrutinized. Impenetrable.”
He kept finding reasons to talk to me. Coming to the Center to walk me home. Meeting up between classes at school. Hanging out whenever I was at his house with Marisol.
Deck couldn’t stay away from me any more than I could stay mad at him.
Tonight was an example. He’d been adamant that I work on flash cards with him, but he’d strategically positioned the Doritos between us so we wouldn’t be close enough for something crazy to happen, like our knees touching.
Another card. Ignominious .
“Publicly shameful or humiliating.”
Deck chuckled. “I don’t know about that one. It sounds more like the name of a dinosaur.”
He reached into the bag to grab a chip just as I did. Our fingers brushed, and he flinched.
“Great,” I said. “Now I’m going to forget the real definition and be wondering the whole time… Do you think the ignominious was a plant eater or a meat eater? Scales or horns? Thanks a lot, Deck, you just cost me a perfect score.”
I joked, but also harbored a secret fear that despite literal years of studying, I would somehow choke on the test when the time came.
Some of my thoughts must have shown on my face because Deck put the bag of chips on the table, his expression serious.
“ Chica , you know no matter what happens on the test or in school, you’re still the smartest girl in any room.
” He bent forward. Hesitating only a second, he put a hand on my knee.
“No matter what the test score says…you’re perfect, okay?
There’s no chance of an ignominious outcome. ”
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
“You’re welcome.”
The smile stayed on his lips. I wished more people could see Deck like this. Softer.
He stood, hooking his fingers together and stretching them above his head. “I think that’s enough for now.” He glanced toward the stairs. “I don’t think Mari’s going to wake up. If you need to get home, I’m good to stay with her.”
I grimaced. I did not want to go home. Did not want to face the lonely, messy double-wide I’d had to set rat traps around yesterday.
My mom hadn’t appeared in days, and Johnny had gone off earlier with Eliazar.
Those two rarely came home before dawn when they went out together, even on school nights.
But I had no intention of invading Deck’s space if he didn’t want me there. I began gathering my things.
Deck lifted an arm.
“Cori,” he said, “I’m not kicking you out. I want you to stay. You know being alone with you is—” He sighed. “I just don’t want you to ever feel like you… have to be with me.”
Meeting his eyes directly, I sat back down. “I’d like to stay. You know the trailer is shit when it’s cold. Plus, no Wi-Fi.”
“Right. Okay, then. Good… And Cori?”
“Yeah?”
“If that changes, and you decide you have somewhere better to be, I get it.”
It amazed me that anyone ever thought Deck was unintelligent. Not everyone was smart enough to have a conversation beneath the conversation.
I wanted to shake him, but all I said was, “I understand.”
He nodded. “TV?”
I breathed away some of the heaviness in the air and dipped my chin. “ The Wire ?” The Deckers paid for HBO. They were the only ones I knew who did. Deck and I had been working our way through some of the older series lately.
“Uh-huh.”
We sat on opposite ends of the couch. He put the chips between us.
“I think Eliazar should watch this show,” I said, halfway through an episode.
“Because of Omar?”
“Yeah. Not many shows I can think of with gay guys from the hood.”
Deck chuckled and ran a hand over his face, blushing.
“What?” I asked.
He stifled his laughter. “Nothing. You just reminded me. I had an incident with Eliazar the other day. And— chingado —I support him and all, but I’m still not okay.”
By his red cheeks and the way he laughed, I guessed this story was more embarrassing than truly upsetting. “What happened?”
Deck leaned his forehead into his hands as he shook his head.
“Okay, now you have to tell me.”
Finally, he looked up. “So we were coming out of Fink’s room after sixth period, you know, because Eliazar and I have the same math class." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, I needed some paper and didn’t have any. I grabbed Eliazar’s backpack to look for some, but I found something… else .”
I knew Eliazar had been experimenting with more than weed lately, same as Johnny, but finding drugs in his friend’s backpack would not make Deck red in the face. Not like this.
My brows furrowed. “What?”
He angled his head against the couch, stretching his neck as he spoke to the ceiling. “I didn’t know what it was at first when I saw the box, so I had to ask Eliazar to explain… But I guess it was a…um, you know…like a…”
Deck stopped, looking like he wanted the floor to swallow him.
“Ohmygod what?” I prodded.
“A douche kit,” he muttered.
“A…douche kit?” It took me a minute to put the pieces together. Why would Eliazar need—? “Oh…” My cheeks heated. “Oh.”
“Yeah, he got pretty awkward telling me. I tried to make him feel better by saying it was okay and all that. That I was just surprised.”
“I’ll bet,” I chuffed. “Poor Eliazar.”
“I meant what I’ve always said. I’ll throw down with anyone who messes with Eliazar. He eats enough shit about it at home without having to worry about it coming from his boys. But that doesn’t mean I want to think about all the details, you know?”
“Yeah, yeah. I get it.” I smiled lightly. “This will be a funny story someday, even if it’s weird now.”
Deck seemed to relax into the cushion. “I guess he had a plan to meet up with some hombre after school.”
A brick settled in my stomach. “Is he meeting up with men from those apps again? Is that safe?”
Eliazar was like a brother to me. He’d been a Hope Center kid too, and still stopped by occasionally to see Rosa. If Deck was the leader of their crew, Cruz the enforcer, and Johnny the joker, then Eliazar was the sweet one. The most trusting, most breakable.
“He can handle himself,” Deck replied. “He grew up here too. Although I wonder how many of those assholes know he’s seventeen.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about any app guys tonight,” I said. “Eliazar went out with my brother.”
Deck hmphed. “Not sure that’s much safer these days. The two of them together… They’ve been getting up to some shit.”
I felt the defeat in his voice to the core of my soul.
At moments like these, when I knew he needed me, I loved Deck too much to let him keep me at arm’s length.
I moved the bag of chips onto the coffee table and sat closer to him on the couch, our legs touching.
“I get that you’re worried. Believe me, I understand. ”
“I know you do,” he whispered gruffly.
His intense stare sent shivers down my spine.
I watched his chest rise and fall as I remained motionless, allowing him to look his fill and letting him find his anchor.
I also waited for him to stand. Push me away. Put distance between us.
He didn’t.
Deck scooted his hips away from mine…but only far enough that he could bend over and lay his head in my lap.
“I’m scared, Cori.” He whispered the words into my thighs as his arm stretched out to wrap around my waist.
My breath lodged in my throat. But as his fingers dug into my skin, a calmness washed over me.
Dislodging his ponytail, I carded my fingers through his long black hair.
The strands crackled with the gel he used to tame them.
I pushed through the sticky locks, pulling them apart until they cascaded over my lap.
Running my hands down to his neck, I grazed my fingertips lightly across the bottom of his hairline.
I pressed in harder, massaging his scalp as I smoothed my palms over his crown. Petting him.
“I’m sorry you’re overwhelmed, Deck. I’m here.”
He didn’t reply, just squeezed me tighter.
I reveled in the moment, even as its rawness disturbed me.
Deck surprised me again by falling asleep. I stayed on the couch with his head on my thighs until I heard his parents pull into the driveway.
I knew he would regret the moment in the morning. He would decide that he had been weak. I wondered how he would retaliate, how he would hurt me to prove he did not need me. Or deserve me. How much would he punish us both?