12. Deck #2
“The nurses said that might happen,” she said, pointing one finger toward the tub. “They also mentioned he’d be in and out of it when he first woke up.”
I nodded, watching silently as she slipped one of her delicate, perfectly manicured hands into Johnny’s grimy one, pulling it to her mouth to lay a kiss on his dirty fingers.
Mamá was right. If we were actually going to help Johnny, we’d need to work together. As a team. Or pretend husband and wife.
A few minutes later, an older man came into the room and introduced himself as Dr. Alvarez.
“Well, Mr. Raney, how are you feeling?”
I immediately liked him. He addressed Johnny with respect. As an ex-con, I was sensitive to the way some people talked down to those they felt were beneath them.
Johnny cracked one eye open. “Honestly, Doc, I’ve been better.”
Dr. Alvarez gave him the courtesy of a smile, and Cori looked relieved to see a trace of the charmer her brother could be.
“Well, it’s true you could be better. You need to understand that you’re a lucky man. If your sister and brother-in-law hadn’t brought you in yesterday, you would likely have died.”
Johnny rolled his head toward me at the “brother-in-law,” and I made wide eyes, willing him to play along.
He was no dummy, smirking as he said to the doctor, “Yeah, my brother-in-law is the best. I’m always going on and on about what a great brother-in-law I have.
I even got him a mug last Christmas that said World’s Best Brother-in-Law on it. ”
Luckily, we could dismiss anything Johnny said as the rantings of someone who was still high.
Dr. Alvarez cleared his throat, sitting down on a third rolling stool next to Cori. “Mr. Raney, may I call you Johnny?”
“I definitely prefer it to Mr. Raney.”
The doctor chuckled. “Fair enough. Okay, Johnny, we should discuss your test results, and what needs to happen moving forward. Are you okay with your family members staying in the room?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
Johnny seemed more alert now. Dr. Alvarez looked at Cori and me. At his demeanor, alarm bells started going off in my head.
The doctor directed his attention back to Johnny.
“The truth of the matter is, this is more than just an incident of accidental overdose. Yesterday, your system was struggling to digest a cocktail of meth, MDMA, and heroin, not to mention alcohol. If I ask you questions about your drug use, will you answer honestly?”
Johnny shrugged. “Yes.”
His immediate reply was sincere. I supposed one thing we had working in our favor was that Johnny didn’t deny being an addict. He had always been brutally honest with me about what he got up to.
“Johnny, what is your general drug of choice, and how often do you use?”
My chest tightened at the blunt question.
“Usually crank…um, meth.” Johnny coughed, and I gestured to the tub, silently asking if he needed it.
He gave a slight shake of his head before continuing.
“You say I had heroin in my system, but I don’t remember that.
I’m not sure how—” He paused abruptly. Running a hand across his face, he frowned at the pull of the IV.
“Anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s mainly meth, and I get high most days. ”
Cori paled but remained quiet.
“Okay. I see you’re thirty. When did you start using?”
“I first tried when I was sixteen, I think,” Johnny answered.
I winced, remembering the day. “But didn’t do crank much in the beginning…
” His raspy voice struggled, and words came slowly, but I took his ability to answer as a positive sign.
“Used to smoke lots of weed. Some pills… Molly… X… Less hard stuff. I had a good friend who died, maybe eight years ago. Tried to quit after that. It stuck for a bit. But the meth has been bad for a while.” He shrugged again.
Dr. Alvarez glanced at the clipboard in his hand, appearing to digest this information.
“I appreciate you being so forthright, Johnny. Many patients in your situation aren’t, which makes my job more challenging.
So let me extend the same courtesy to you by being direct.
Based on your test results, I would have guessed most of your history.
The deterioration of your body, particularly your heart, suggests long-term substance use disorder.
I need you to understand that if you don’t stop now, it’s not a question of whether you will die.
It’s a question of when. And if you keep on like this, the answer to that question is that you will be dead soon. ”
Cori squeaked as she caught a cry in her throat. She still held Johnny’s hand. I saw him squeeze her fingers, but there was no comfort to be had.
The bad news kept coming.
“Johnny, you have sustained severe heart damage. Quite frankly, you have the heart of an elderly person. You’re close to being in heart failure.
You’ll never be able to heal your heart completely, but if you take control of your health now, you may hope to undo the worst of the damage and live a normal life.
But for the time being, you need to refrain from drug use and any intensive activity. ”
The good doctor certainly didn’t pull any punches. He paused, allowing the diagnosis to sink in for a moment.
I was sure Johnny, Cori, and I were all thinking the same thing—staying clean was nearly impossible for someone in Johnny’s situation, even under threat of death. This information essentially translated to the idea that Johnny needed to go to rehab. Or die.
“I know this is hard to hear,” Dr. Alvarez stated. “But unfortunately, there is more.” He leaned back in his chair. “Johnny, blood tests indicate that you are HIV positive. Were you aware of this?”
Cori’s jaw dropped. Johnny looked like he’d been hit by a truck as he shook his head. “HIV positive? Like AIDS?”
“HIV positive doesn’t have to mean developing AIDS, Johnny.
Medicine has come a long way regarding HIV in the past few decades, and we have started you on several treatments.
As with your heart disease, it’s possible you can still live a relatively normal life with HIV, possible even that the virus becomes undetectable. But you have to take care of yourself.”
It felt like we were at the bottom of a mountain. Heart disease? HIV? Get clean or die? I knew Johnny was headed in that direction, but hearing it out loud was still a gut punch.
Dr. Alvarez stayed in the room with us a few minutes longer, letting us know he’d be printing some materials and checking on Johnny later.
He gave us the chance to ask questions. Cori had a few about the treatments that had been started and what would happen in the next few days.
She mentioned paying for the hospital stay out of pocket, telling the doctor Johnny should have whatever tests and treatments were needed.
Damn. Her brother had not been exaggerating when he said she was doing well.
But after the doctor stepped out, her facade broke.
Tears streamed down her face as Cori begged her brother, “Please, Johnny, let me send you to rehab. You can’t keep turning me down.
We’ll find the very best place. I promise.
You’ve got to let me do this for you.” She leaned forward to rest her head in his lap.
Her muffled voice pleaded softly, “Please, Johnny. Please. I don’t want my big brother to die. ”
He looked at me, and all I could say was, “She’s right.”
Johnny brushed his dirty fingers through Cori’s hair. “Okay, Sis. Okay.” He turned his face to the window, asking, “Do you guys mind if I have a few minutes alone?”
Cori nodded. We all needed a break after Dr. Alvarez’s bomb-dropping. She gave Johnny one last kiss on his hands as she rose, and I squeezed his shoulder.
As we exited the room, Johnny piped up, “I must have really been out of it if I missed your wedding.”
I glanced back and couldn’t stop my smile. “Only your dumb ass would have jokes at a time like this. You know it’s because of hospital rules.”
“I figured. Well, even if it took me almost dying, at least the two of you are talking again.”
“That’s not funny, Johnny.” Cori frowned. “Don’t downplay this.”
“Sorry, sorry.” He held up his hands. “Hey, Cor?”
“Mm-hmm?”
“I’m sorry I took your credit card.”
Cori blew out a loud breath. “I know, J. You can make it up to me by not dying.”
“The crazy part is, if he hadn’t stolen her card, and she hadn’t gotten so mad about it, he’d probably be dead right now.” I raised the pint glass to my lips and took a sip. I wasn’t much of a drinker, but this seemed like a night for an exception.
It had taken me the better part of an hour to bring Juan up to speed on the past few days. He needed to know, not just as my friend but also as my business partner at J&D. Everything going on was fucking with my head.
Juan waited patiently until I finished.
“Alright, so it sounds like Johnny is stable even though some bad shit went down. And the HIV… That is fucking rough,” he said. “But I don’t think that’s why you’re drinking a Modelo and not a ginger ale. How was it seeing Cori? You’ve been avoiding that too long, man.”
I took a swig from the bottle. “Have you been talking to my mom or something?”
“Nah. But if Mamá Decker thinks it’s good for you to dig in with Cori, that should tell you something.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone’s on me all of a sudden.”
“Come on, bróder , it’s not all of a sudden. You’ve got that night all backward in your head. I’ve told you that. Your parents keep telling you that. But it ain’t getting through. Maybe you need to hear it from the girl.”
“I already did,” I mumbled under my breath.
“ ?Qué? ”
“She already told me.” I looked Juan in the eye. “Yesterday, Cori asked why I’d sworn Johnny to secrecy about me. Then she guessed the reason. Went right for the jugular, mentioning that night. Said it wasn’t my fault.”
It was the same thing she’d written in the letters she’d sent to me in prison. Offering absolution in careful, perfect printing.
“See? She’s moved on. So should you.”
I shook my head. “You can’t spin this, man. Even Cori can’t. I spent years locked up thinking about what happened. Even if I protected her that night, I’m still the one who brought the shit into our lives.”
“People make their own choices, amigo . What Chi-chi did—that’s on him.
And you…Johnny…Cruz…Eliazar…were all just kids.
You weren’t responsible for them, and you need to stop blaming yourself.
It’s okay to talk to Cori. You haven’t said it straight out, but I know you had a thing for her back then. ”
A thing?
Out of control at eighteen, the sanest part of my life had been the secret I’d guarded in my soul—the way I felt about Cori.
Those feelings had stirred yesterday when she sat in my living room. When she walked fearlessly into that house. When she peered up at me from inside my hoodie. And today, when she called me her husband.
Stupid thoughts. The hope of being good enough for her died years ago, before I’d gone away.
That dream was as dead as Eliazar.
“No good can come from me being in her life, Juan. You should see how she looks, all shiny and polished. I don’t want to touch that.
Even if I’ve spent the past twelve years reliving that night, if she’s moved on, then good for her.
She doesn’t need me in her face, reminding her. ” I slammed the bottle on the table.
“You need to stop punishing yourself. You did your time. And you didn’t do anything that motherfucker Chi-chi didn’t deserve.”
That was true. I may have hated prison, but I didn’t regret what I’d done. I had other regrets.
“It’s not just her,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“You know. There’s Cori. But also Marisol. Cruz is sitting in jail. Eliazar’s fucking dead, and Johnny’s about there! Cori doesn’t need my brand of poison back in her life.”
I’d pretended to rag on Cori earlier for turning her back on the neighborhood. In truth, I understood her motivation. She’d dealt with the past by walking away from it.
But yesterday, she said she’d been wrong to cut ties. She wanted to reconnect with Rosa. And she would never abandon Johnny, her biggest connection to our old lives. She clearly sought some middle ground.
I just couldn’t see a middle ground for her and me. I couldn’t take the risk. Better to stay away.
“Look, Deck,” Juan began. “As long as I’ve known you, you’ve blamed yourself for everything.
Marisol’s accident, what happened to Cori and your friends.
Eliazar especially. People tell you things aren’t your fault, and you don’t accept it.
People tell you they forgive you, and you don’t accept it.
You’ve accomplished so much over the past few years to get your life back on track.
You can’t be afraid to take that ultimate step forward, to forgive yourself. ”
“I don’t know…if I can.” Exhaling, I scraped my hand over my jaw. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Maybe start by letting Cori decide if she needs to be protected from you.”