Chapter 8 #4
“You really hurt me, JoJo. Both of you did, actually, but it was worse coming from you. Seeing y’all in a full-blown orgy made me feel like I was just another girl y’all fucked together. I felt lower than low for a long time.”
“That was never my intention, baby. You meant something to us. You meant everything to me. You still do.”
I hated the fact that tears were streaming down my face, but I knew I needed to let them fall freely. I had fought them long enough. Jordy was the perfect person to unburden myself on.
“I didn’t even recognize you, Jordy. I felt so betrayed. It was like I had been wearing blinders for years, then all of a sudden, the light shined on you, and I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t know what to do other than run.”
“I sobered up quick, but it was too late. Bro couldn’t catch you. He swears you ran up out of there like Flo Jo.”
I laughed at that. “I’m sure I did. I didn’t want to give you time to talk to me and convince me that I was crazy for thinking that you were a lying, cheating, manipulative asshole.”
“Manipulative asshole, I’ll take, but I’ve never been a cheater.”
I scoffed. “Tell that to the girl about to suck your dick.”
“Hell, I’m pretty sure I did. I’ve only ever wanted you, Harper,” he said in a voice that was barely over a whisper. It almost hurt to hear how shattered Jordy was behind our breakup. I suffered alone for a long time before Kendrick came along.
“I had a hard time for a long time,” I confessed.
“I can’t count the number of times I wished that I could go back in time and not be home when that party started. I prayed and prayed for the chance to tell you that nothing happened and beg for your forgiveness for what I almost did.”
My eyes fell to my lap. “I didn’t think you came after me.”
Jordy chuckled under his breath as he moved down to my feet. “Take off your shoes,” he said, grabbing the heel of one of my boots before proceeding to unzip it. I sat still and allowed him to remove one of my shoes before moving on to the other.
“What are you doing, JoJo?” I asked, unable to hide my curious smile.
“I never gave up on us, Harper,” he said, peering up at me through the stray locs that had fallen into his eyes.
He pulled one of my feet into his lap, and when those strong hands started to knead the bottom of my foot, I let out an embarrassing sound that made him chuckle under his breath. “Your ice cream is melting, Harper.”
“Oh, right. Thank you for dessert, even though it’s bribery,” I said, nodding as I picked up the pint and removed the lid.
“If I have to commit a felony to get alone time with you, then so be it.”
“Whatever.” I giggled.
“Your laughter is one of the things I missed most about you.”
“I see you don’t have a problem with using flattery either.”
“Never have. I also had a hard time for a long time after you left. Eventually, your mom told me that if I really loved you, I would leave you alone like you wanted me to.”
Jordy’s words put a lump in my throat. My mom only mentioned Jordy to me once in the early days.
I told her that I was done with him for good.
I asked her to never mention him again. She listened for a change, and I liked to think it helped me to move on.
Nothing really gave me comfort in the early days.
Jordy placed my feet on one of the pillows before stretching out and putting his head in my lap. He stared up at the lights on top of the gazebo as he continued to speak.
“Everything inside me broke on the day I accepted that I had lost you forever. I went to my parents’ house and spent days holed up in my room, drinking.
After about a week, the pain was too much.
I felt hopeless and lost. Graduating from med school should have felt like a triumph, but I just felt empty.
I took some pills my mom had in her bathroom, and they helped me sleep.
I felt like I could sleep the pain away and not have to live through it.
Eventually, sleeping and waking up to take more pills felt redundant.
I wanted to stop waking up, so I took more pills.
I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to exist, if that makes sense.
I didn’t want to be in a world without you until enough time passed that I wouldn’t care anymore,” he said, closing his eyes as tears ran down the side of his face.
I gasped. “JoJo.”
“I know.” He sighed, removing his glasses and swiping his hand over his face.
After he adjusted so that his cheek rested on my lap and his arms were around my waist, he continued.
“My mom found me in her walk-in closet. She thought I was dead. I remember hearing her scream bloody murder, but I didn’t have the strength to tell her that I was OK.
Shit, I wasn’t OK. When I finally came around and told her what happened and why I did it, she wanted to have me committed.
” He chuckled dryly. “I convinced her that I wasn’t trying to kill myself, but she still blames you for her almost losing me.
I say I didn’t want to die, but I know part of me wanted to destroy myself for destroying the thing I cared about most in the world.
Fuck a medical degree, fuck everything if I couldn’t build the life I wanted with you. ”
“Ooh, baby,” I simpered.
“I’ve been in therapy ever since. The incident that happened when my parents were going through their divorce along with that one made it clear that I didn’t have good coping skills.
Up until then, I just pushed shit down and pretended that it never happened until I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I’ve learned to deal with things head on and go through them instead of around them.
Antidepressants and therapy helps, but nothing compares to having you right here, Harper. ”
“I can’t say that I don’t have any regrets about the way things played out.
I missed you so much, JoJo. I convinced myself that you weren’t good for me.
I told myself that you had manipulated me into thinking that you were such a great guy and that there was no telling what else you manipulated me into. ”
“Like Jase,” he muttered.
“Of course that went through my mind a thousand times. Eventually, I realized that being with him was more for me than you. I know that the Jordy I knew would do anything in the world to make me happy, including sharing me with his brother.”
“And we all know how I am about sharing.”
“Right.” I laughed.
“I’m so sorry, Harper. I’ve been sorry for eight long years. I kept this to remind me of the love I lost due to not having enough self-control,” he said, reaching into his shirt as he sat up.
The lights in the gazebo made the diamond in his hand sparkle. Dangling from a chain around his neck was a beautiful ring.
“Is that?”
He nodded. “It’s the ring I bought for you.”
“It’s beautiful,” I whispered, dropping my hand before I could touch it. I didn’t know if I should. “There’s so much we need to discuss, not right now though. Right now, I just want to relish in the moment. It almost feels like the old days. I just don’t know if we can go back.”
“Maybe we can’t go back, but we can go forward, if that’s OK with you.”
“I don’t know, JoJo.”
“Don’t overthink it, Harper. Just let me prove myself to you. Let me earn back your trust.”
“OK.” I nodded, knowing that if I hesitated, I would change my mind. There had been an electric fence around my heart since Jordy broke it.
Kendrick knew that. Our marriage was initially out of convenience and grew into love. He and I being friends over everything else allowed me to overlook the fact that I was never madly in love with him.
Jordy’s eyes fell to my lips, then flickered back up to meet my gaze. “Let me get you out of here, Harper. I’m sure I’ve taken up enough of your time,” he said, shifting the stand before I could protest.
It was funny how I didn’t want to leave.
I wanted to spend more time with Jordy. I wanted to make sure that he was OK and figure out where we would go from here.
At the same time, I knew it was too soon to tell.
When he was on his feet, JoJo reached for my hand and helped me up.
Once I was standing, he picked up my shoes.
“I should have put those boots back on when I was on the floor,” I joked.
“I got you.” Jordy chuckled, squatting to his haunches.
“JoJo, I am not getting on your back.”
“Woman, come on here. I know it’s past your bedtime.”
I had to laugh at that. “For your information, I do not go to bed like an old person anymore.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“Shut up. The only reason I’m getting on your back is because I really don’t want to struggle with those boots right now.”
“Fine with me.”
With that established, I climbed on Jordy’s back and held on as he took the short trek back to his car. I tried not to pay attention to how good he smelled or how good his body felt against mine. It was all too much.
I wanted to give in to Jordy and give us another chance.
I had the slightest idea of how we would navigate things.
It didn’t even feel like a good time to think about it while I was working on getting my life together.
I was thankful when he opened the car door and turned to let me get in.
I got settled in the car as he moved around to get into the driver’s seat.
“I think basketball will be good for little man. It’s good to have balance. Team sports are good for young boys.”
“Did Jase tell you to say that?”
He laughed under his breath. “No, it was actually Cameron this time.”
“I’m going to let him get on the team, but y’all better take care of my baby, JoJo. I’m not playing.”
“OK.”
“The first time he gets into trouble, I’m pulling him off the team.”
“Give him a chance, Harper. He’s growing and adjusting. You have to remember, he’s a child.”
“I know that, but I have a lot on my plate as it is. I can’t keep dropping things because he’s acting out.”