Chapter 9
I’m Going Crazy
Justin
My team babysitter showed up the morning Fitch was leaving.
She was in her mid-forties, wearing scrubs that made me think of Mia, but with hair and makeup fresh.
She introduced herself as Marge Reynolds.
She shook hands with me and Fitch. Then he threw his bags in the car and I waved him off and went inside, Marge following behind me.
I wasn’t sure what to do next, but Marge asked for a tour. I showed her the kitchen, bathroom, living room, and where I was doing partial workouts in the basement.
“And where do you see your therapist?”
When it was just me and Fitch, I’d been sitting at the dining room table with my laptop, but now I’d go up to my bedroom. I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of this person being around while I exposed things I’d kept buried for years. “I’ll do it in my room.”
She tilted her head. “Maybe I should check out the room?”
I crossed my arms. “You’re here to make sure I do my physio, keep up my workouts, and check that my hand is healing.”
She pursed her lips. “I was also told you’d be having regular therapy sessions. That needs to be maintained.”
I was neither a child nor an idiot. “My therapist will let the team know directly if I don’t do a session with him.”
She kept her eyes on me, as if I might change my mind, but I wasn’t thrilled about having someone here. I certainly wasn’t going to invite them into anything but the barest minimum I had to.
She sighed and looked away. “Why don’t we discuss your meal plans, then?”
I’d been keeping a strict regimen for years.
I’d break the rules when I was eating out with friends or for holidays, but I was getting older in hockey years, and it was easier to handle the physical demands of a hockey season if I ate properly.
I gave her a brief rundown of my normal meals, and Marge suggested some adjustments to the menu.
The team nutritionist had signed off on what I was doing, so I politely declined.
It was always going to be uncomfortable having a stranger in my space, but it was worse than I’d imagined. After lunch, I went out for a walk, turning down the offer of company, and stopped in a park to call Jess. Not the park where Mia and I had fought years ago, one in the opposite direction.
“I’m going crazy.”
“Hello to you too, Justin. I’m fine thanks.”
“Sorry, Jess. Glad you’re doing good. But I’m frustrated.”
“It’s only been a couple of days.”
“It’s only been a couple of hours with my babysitter, Marge, but she’s giving me the creeps.”
“What has she done?”
I ran my left hand through my hair, hand catching in the knots.
Maybe this was something Marge could take care of for me, but I’d rather deal with the mess.
The bandage was finally off my wrist, so at least one hand was functioning normally.
“I don’t know. She seemed a little too interested in seeing my bedroom and knowing about the therapy sessions. ”
“Maybe she’s a fan.” Jess wasn’t convincing.
“Fuck, Jess, the last thing I want is a fan in my house every day watching what I do.”
“Is she really creepy, or would you feel this way about anyone?”
I took a long breath. “I don’t know. Maybe anyone.”
“Give her a day or two. If she’s still creeping you out, then ask for someone else.”
Talking to Jess always made me feel better. “You’re right. It’s probably just me. I’m on edge. Mia came by.”
“Mia? Your Mia? Why?”
“She heard I was staying at the house and didn’t want an awkward meeting in the grocery store.”
Jess snorted. “Like you’re going to be buying groceries. Not when you can get them delivered. Did you talk to her?”
“Yeah, but not really. I wasn’t prepared.”
I could picture the expression my sister would be wearing. Worried frown, biting her lip. “How was it?”
“Weird. Difficult. Sad.”
“Sad?”
“She never got to go to medical school. She has a kid.”
Now she was rolling her eyes. I knew her well enough that I didn’t need FaceTime to know. “If you’d ever let us mention her, we could have told you.”
“I was doing my best to forget she existed.”
“And that’s worked so well for you.”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my cast on the leg of my shorts. It was a constant reminder that I had shit to deal with. “But enough of me whining. How are things with you?”
Jess was happy. I heard it in her voice, especially when she talked about Alek. Good thing it wasn’t a video call, because I was still coming to terms with my sister and Alek Denbrowski together.
When we started the I’d better go dance, she asked if I was going to be okay. I didn’t want to worry her—she’d spent too much of her life already worrying about me, but she needed to know I was doing the work to get over my issues.
“I think I’ll call Mom and Dad.”
“They haven’t reached out?”
“Not a word.”
“You ready for this?”
Now I rolled my eyes. “No, but I’m going to do it anyway.”
“I’m proud of you, Jus.” I looked at the cast, still immobilizing my dominant hand. I wasn’t sure there was anything to be proud of yet, but I appreciated the support. “Let me know how it goes.”
“I will.”
After she hung up, I sat with my elbows on my thighs, staring at the ground. I didn’t like this unsettled feeling. I’d need to tell my therapist I’d seen Mia. Since I didn’t want to dwell on that, I needed something else to talk about. Meeting my parents would do that.
I dialed Dad’s number. He picked up on the second ring.
“Hello, Justin.” He sounded cautious.
“Hey, Dad. I’m in town for a bit. Thought we should talk. You free now?” Catching him last minute meant he wasn’t likely to be, but I could say I’d tried.
“Just a sec.” There was silence. “Sure, we can meet. Tomorrow?”
Was that “him and me” we, or “him and Mom and me” we? Was it worth asking? “It needs to be somewhere casual. I’m not doing buttons right now, so I can’t dress up.”
“Ah. Well, what if we meet at Stanley Park? Anything goes there. Do you want me to pick you up?”
“I can get there.” I’d prefer to make my own way, in case things went badly.
I headed back, having killed enough time that I didn’t have to deal with Marge for much longer. She asked where I’d been and what I’d done, and I made a mental note to check on how much I had to share with her. I wasn’t a child, and I didn’t like being treated as if I was.
My whole body unwound after she left. I watched a playoff game on my own, texting with some of my teammates. This was why I was putting up with a stranger in my space. Why I was going to see my dad tomorrow. Why I’d have to see Mia sometime.
My team and Jess were my foundations, and I needed to make them rock-solid.
Marge checked my hand in the morning and made my protein smoothie. She insisted on being there while I did my workout, just in case. I got hot and sweaty, but kept on my T-shirt, not comfortable stripping it off in front of her.
That was going in the creepy column. After years of being in the locker room, I didn’t care about going shirtless normally.
If it turned out this was just me being weird about having someone around, the next few weeks were going to be excruciating.
I assured Marge I didn’t need any help in the shower (I wanted to call that creepy, but she was a nurse) and by the time I was supposed to meet Dad, and maybe Mom, I was glad to have somewhere to go.
Stanley Park was beautiful. I’d run a lot of miles along the seawall here, enjoying the trees, the ocean, and the views of the city. I met Dad near Second Beach. It was just him, which I’d expected when he suggested the location. Mom wasn’t really a park person.
I hadn’t been sure of my welcome, but Dad pulled me into an awkward hug.
“I’m glad you called,” he said once we’d broken apart. We turned and walked down the path toward the Lost Lagoon. “I wasn’t sure if you’d answer if I reached out.”
I tugged on the brim of my cap. I’d hoped that between it and the beard I wouldn’t be recognized. “I needed some time to work things out.”
“Yeah, I thought maybe you did.”
For a moment we were quiet, nothing but the sounds of our footsteps, some people in the distance, the water on the shore.
“Mom still upset?”
He shot me a glance. “She is. She’s always wanted the best for all of us.”
I shoved my left hand in my pocket. “I know that, but she has her own view of what’s best.”
Dad didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “She grew up with money. She didn’t know how to cope without it.”
It was a peace offering, and it would have been easy to let the past go. I was tempted. But I didn’t ignore the discomfort. “Placing that burden on me wasn’t fair.”
He hissed in a breath.
“I was eighteen. I had my own dreams. I could have still gone to school, gotten a degree even without the money you guys lost to the Denbrowskis.”
“But you wanted to play hockey, didn’t you?”
I stopped. “Hockey was one of my dreams. It wasn’t the most important, or I wouldn’t have signed on at SFU. I wanted to go to school and get a degree. More than that, I wanted a future with Mia. I sacrificed all that.”
His shoulders sagged. “I guess we told ourselves that this wasn’t so bad, that you planned a hockey career anyway.”
“I’ve been lucky in hockey. I made the NHL and I haven’t been so seriously injured that I couldn’t play anymore.
But eleven years ago there was no guarantee that I’d make it, or that I wouldn’t get hurt.
I could have ended up playing for almost nothing.
Or out of the game altogether, injured, with no skills. No education.”
Dad looked over my shoulder toward the water. “Back then, we just needed a bit of time to recoup some of our losses. Maybe a year. Then—”
“I’d still have missed at least one year. I couldn’t just shuttle back and forth between playing professionally and college. I’d already lost Mia.”
He bit his lip. He didn’t like to criticize Mom. Part of the reason Jess and I were so close, and why we’d bonded more with Grandma than our parents, was because Dad and Mom were a tight unit. Jess and I had always been on the outside.
“In hindsight, we might not have handled it well.”
That was closer to an apology. But it wasn’t the only thing they’d done. “And for years after, there were the requests for money, for repairs to the condo or whatever, that were a lie.”
His gaze shot back to me again. “A lie?”
“You wanted money to go after the Denbrowskis. Or to invest.”
He straightened. “We wanted to get our money back!”
Totally ignoring that it wasn’t going to happen. Or that they broke my trust by lying to me. “Have you come to terms with the fact that it’s gone? If you actually found the Denbrowskis now, they’ll have spent most or all of the money. It’s not coming back.”
He looked down and sighed. “The reality is hitting your mother hard. After you yelled at us…” There was a pause, but I wouldn’t apologize after all they’d done. “I think that was the first time she accepted it. And she feels like a failure.”
Habit, instinct, something almost pushed me to respond that she wasn’t, but how would that help?
She’d failed to see the risks attached to her investment with the Denbrowskis.
She’d failed to learn to live with the consequences.
If she and Dad had taken that obsession and used it on the travel agency, they might have been able to recover without involving me.
“Do you understand why we’re angry—why I’m angry? I gave up a lot, and when maybe some guidance about what was best for me might have helped, you were focused on money. Just money.”
His lips thinned. “It’s easy to say ‘just money’ when you’ve always had it.”
I glared at him. “I know what it’s like not to have much. That first year or two? I was in New York, scraping by on as little as possible so I could send the rest to you. And even before that, I saw what it was like for Mia’s family.”
Dad’s lips tightened. “Well, you’re here now, no money problems, so you’re free to pursue Mia again.”
I almost choked. “Are you serious? After what happened back then? She got married, has a kid. Her family needs her more now than before.”
He raised a brow. “You can pay someone to take care of her family.”
He’d never understand Mia. “She won’t leave them. Paying someone to take her place isn’t an option.”
He cocked his head. “You’ve thought about it.”
More than I’d ever tell him. “It was almost the only thing I thought of for a long time after I left.”
Dad sighed. “How long are you in the area?”
I lifted my cast. “For a few weeks, till this comes off and I can get back into training. I told Jess I’d look through things at Grandma’s house. There are a couple of boxes with your name on them.”
“Maybe you can have them delivered. But later.”
Ah. They weren’t over the whole issue of the house being left to Jess and me. “Sure. Let us know.”
I turned back in the direction we’d come. Dad kept pace beside me, asking about the Blaze, keeping topics light. I answered, but he didn’t see how they’d used me, and that was frustrating. Dad’s whole world was Mom, and he couldn’t entertain any flaws in her, or anything that would upset her.
At the parking lot we said good-bye and I watched him walk away, my anger still simmering. I wasn’t doing a very good job of laying these ghosts to rest. I’d promised Cooper and Jess, but things weren’t happening the way I hoped.
I ordered a ride and wondered what the hell else I was supposed to do.