Chapter 31
One of Those Dreams
Mia
Arne never seemed to take as long to settle down as he did tonight.
He was excited to see Justin again, obviously, but how slow could one child brush their teeth?
And once he was in bed, he had endless questions.
Was Mr. Justin staying? Would we see him in the morning?
Could he bring Barney over to meet him? Could we ask him to make macaroni and cheese?
I wished I knew the answers.
When I finally left the room and cleaned up the bathroom, I was tempted to crawl into bed with him and hide out till morning.
Instead, I forced myself down the stairs.
I could hear a sports program playing in the living room and took a long breath before entering.
I had no idea what Justin was doing, or where this talk would go, but optimistic shivers kept me on edge.
I didn’t want to get my hopes up, only to be disappointed. But damn it, he was here!
As soon as I entered, Justin switched off the TV. “Is he settled?”
“Fingers crossed.” I sat on the edge of the easy chair. “So, why aren’t you at your hockey thing?”
“Jess called me after she talked to you.”
I held out my hands. “And…you just came?”
He nodded.
I blinked, tears suddenly gathering in my eyes. “Why?”
He shrugged. “Why did you come by the house that day?”
“I was just driving…and I ended up here. I thought I saw you.”
“I wish I’d been here.”
I swiped at my nose with my hand. So sexy.
“Will you tell me what happened?” he asked, hesitantly.
I repeated the story, about Cora moving out and Dorian being away all summer.
Mom saying Arne could stay with her, helping.
Arne wouldn’t be going to camps to learn and have fun but would spend his days helping out my Mom.
I was patterning this to my son. But I couldn’t let him lose his dreams like I did mine.
So I packed up and left, with no idea what I was going to do but knowing I had to change things.
Somewhere in the midst of that I started to cry. Justin moved to my chair, sitting on the arm and wrapping his arms around me. And for a few minutes, everything was okay.
He grabbed a tissue from an end table and I cleaned up my face. He tugged me to my feet and settled me on the couch where he could hold me. I was used to keeping myself together, not leaning on others, but right then it was perfect.
“That’s why I came. I want to help.”
With my head pressed against his chest, I felt as well as heard his words. “H-help?” I hiccupped.
“You’re making plans. I want to be part of them.”
I rubbed my hand on his arm. “You’re already helping, you and Jess, by letting us stay here for a while.”
“You can stay here as long as you want. I love that you’re fighting for Arne and his future. But I want you to fight for yours too.”
I leaned back. “What do you mean?”
He cradled my face in his hands. “What do you want, Mia? What are your dreams?”
I tried to shake my head. “It’s too late for me.”
His thumbs caressed my cheeks. “No, it’s not. Never too late. You could go back to medical school. Get a business degree. See the world. Whatever you want.”
I was about to argue, but something in my brain sparked. Maybe I could? Not see the world, and probably not even get an MD. But I could take classes, become a nurse. Arne was in school, and outside of what care he required, my time was my own now that I wasn’t taking responsibility for Mom’s place.
But how was she going to cope without me?
I took a breath. It was time she and Bruce worked that out without sacrificing Arne, or me. I was allowed to have a life. I needed to, for Arne’s sake.
And other dreams? Like Justin? Did I dare ask? But he’d come to BC as soon as he knew I needed him. Better to know now before my hopes dug in. “What if you’re one of those dreams?”
His eyes blazed and then he was kissing me.
Kissing me with passion and desire and love.
A voice in the back of my head said this wouldn’t last. That I couldn’t make up for the past, and I didn’t have enough to offer.
But his hands were moving over me and I had no room for thoughts like that.
For whatever reason, Justin still loved me, and this time I would fight for it.
He finally pulled away. His breathing was fast and his face flushed. I’d definitely felt him getting hard. “How soundly does Arne sleep?”
I’d forgotten about my son upstairs. “Um, I don’t know. He’s woken up a couple times since we’ve been here, what with it being a new place.” I didn’t want to risk getting any parts naked when he might wander into the living room.
“The basement?”
Memories rushed back—hours we’d spent making out there, before finally taking advantage of everyone being out and having sex for the first time. I clenched my legs. Just the thought… “I’d have to listen, in case he woke up and called for me.”
He grinned. “You’d also have to be very quiet, so as not to wake him up.”
“You too,” I countered.
“Lets go upstairs, so you can check on him and I’ll get condoms.”
Ideas were tumbling through my brain. “Plural?”
“I’m optimistic.”
Arne was out like a light. Justin and I snuck down to the basement and I felt like seventeen-year-old me again. Giddy, hopeful, with a future before me.
I couldn’t regret everything in my past. Not when I had Arne.
And maybe this was the right time for Justin and me too.
There would be problems ahead of us, and separating myself from Mom would be painful.
I didn’t have a home, but now I had options, things to look forward to.
I had Arne, and I was pretty sure I had Justin. And with that, I’d be good.
Justin switched on a lamp and spread a blanket over the old couch. He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me.
“In case I wasn’t clear, because I’m not good with the words, I love you, Mia. I think I always have. I want to be part of the future you work out for you and Arne.”
Then he kissed me. Gently, determinedly, and with me clinging to him, he moved his mouth to my cheek, my neck. And as he slowly removed my clothing, he worshipped me. Made me feel loved, wanted, and desirable. Every inch.
When I was naked, he laid me on the couch and quickly stripped off his own clothes. He started from my feet, kissing, caressing, and I was soon whimpering into the pillow as pleasure spread through my body.
Finally, he rolled the condom onto his cock and settled over me. He kissed me, and whispered, “I love you, Mia.”
I breathed “I love you too” as he slid into my body, and I was home. The place didn’t matter.
Justin did.
I wouldn’t sleep with Justin. Like, in the same bed.
I didn’t want to give Arne any ideas before we figured out what we were doing.
There were a lot of things to work out. My job and Arne’s school and friends were here in BC.
Justin’s life was in Toronto. But unless I totally misunderstood, we were going to be together.
The rest was details. Long-distance, moving—as far as I was concerned, all options were on the table.
We slept in the next morning, so didn’t get a chance to talk before I had to drop Arne off at day camp on my way to work. I saw Tonya there, since both boys were signed up for this one. She’d agreed to keep Arne after until I was finished my shift.
“You look different today. Are you…smiling? Happy?”
I was. I couldn’t stop smiling. “Both. I can’t give you details now, but the hockey player and I are going to work things out.”
She squealed. “That’s great, Mia. What about Arne’s dad? Is he okay with it?”
“He’ll have to deal,” I said with a shrug. Erik might be jealous of Justin, but I wasn’t giving up what I wanted for his ego.
Work dragged until I could leave to pick up Arne and go to Justin’s house again.
He was waiting at the door, like a stereotypical fifties housewife.
He didn’t kiss me, not with Arne there, and we really needed to talk out our plans ASAP because keeping my hands off him was just not a viable long-term option.
Justin had fried chicken and homemade macaroni and cheese, along with another salad, waiting for us. I noticed he skipped most of the mac and cheese, though Arne made up for the loss.
Arne noticed. “Don’t you like mac and cheese? It’s good!”
He shrugged. “I’ve got to keep in playing shape.”
Right. He was probably working out during the day, but he couldn’t eat like this and stay in condition. We might have to eat healthier, if we were all together, and that could only benefit Arne and me. Justin had made this carb-heavy food for the two of us, and damn, I needed to kiss him.
Instead of giving Arne a book to read, I let him watch a show on TV for an hour. It was a treat for him, and I desperately needed to talk to Justin. He was doing the dishes when I returned to the kitchen.
“Leave those.” He turned and I kissed him, pulling myself away before we forgot what we were doing. “Let’s talk. I want to be able to kiss you in front of Arne and everyone else.”
He closed his eyes, took a long breath, and said, “Me too.”
He pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and I sat on the other side, trying to marshal my thoughts. “You have to go back to Toronto soon.”
He nodded.
“So how are we going to make this work?” I had ideas, lots of them, but I needed to know what he was willing to do. He shot me a glance. “Just tell me. We should consider all the options and then decide what’s best for all of us. Because Arne is part of the package.”
“Absolutely.”
I’d been sure, but it was good to hear him acknowledge it.
Justin leaned back in his chair. “Okay. One possibility is that I go back to Toronto, and you stay here and we do long-distance.”
“But I can tell Arne, and everyone else?”
“And I tell Jess and my teammates. I see if I can get traded to either Vancouver or Seattle, but in any case, my contract ends in June next year and I might be able to convince one of those teams to sign me. Maybe one of the Alberta teams—Calgary isn’t that far.”
“You could end up playing with your sister’s boyfriend again.”
He huffed a breath. “Maybe. You and Arne live here, and I’ll come as often as I can.”
Living in this house—it would be amazing. But not seeing Justin for long stretches? “Maybe we can come see you in Toronto when Arne is off school?”
He bit his lip. “That leads to another option.” I went still.
“If you have vacation time, you two could come to Toronto.” So, just for a visit?
“And maybe, if Arne met some kids there and he liked them, and you could go to school, you’d consider moving to Toronto with me? ” He’d leaned forward, eyes pleading.
Why was the suggestion throwing me? It was obvious—his job wasn’t portable, and he had money enough to support us. But leaving everything?
“It’s just a thought,” he said. “It’s asking a lot, for you to move. I’m being selfish, because I don’t want to be apart. But there’s another possibility too.”
I was still scrambling to process his second one.
“I retire. Immediately. I move back here, we live in this house together, and you can decide about school or work or whatever you want.”
I held up a hand. “I need a minute.”
He leaned back again, the restless tapping of his foot betraying his tension, but he gave me time.
Option one was minimal disruption, but it meant being apart. After being separated for eleven years, I didn’t want that. We had time to make up for.
It also left us close to my family. Could we find a way to function together again? It would be too easy to slip back into old habits, and I could not sacrifice my son. Or me. Not anymore. Not when I realized I hadn’t been earning a place in the family, just being used.
Option two meant uprooting Arne and me. Leaving his friends, his soccer league, and our family. There’d be no danger of being sucked up by my family again, but how would Arne handle it? And me? There were depressingly few things I’d be leaving behind.
Option three meant Justin giving up on his dream and disappointing the people who’d been supporting him. Easiest for me, costliest for him.
I looked at Justin, tension in the set of his jaw and in the lines around his eyes. “I hope you’re prepared for a full-on hockey-obsessed six-year-old, because if we meet the rest of your team…”
He froze. “What are you saying?”
“Option two.”
Justin shoved the chair back as he pushed to his feet and pulled me to him. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight, making me feel safe. He was trembling, and it was humbling that I could do that to him.
“Do you want me to tell you why?”
“I don’t care, I just want to know you’re sure. You’re giving up a lot. Maybe we try it for the rest of the summer and see how it goes?”
That would be good, to ease us into a life together. And make sure Arne would be okay. But I knew my kid. He was good at making friends. We could try it for the summer, but the outcome was a given. I would sacrifice up some things, but I was getting back so much more.
I was getting everything.