CHAPTER 40
Maddie
And right when I was about to break up with him.
I love that he said those three little words, but that’s not what changed my mind. Including the layover, it took Rhonda and me over twenty-four hours to get here. That’s a lot of time to think, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was no way this could work.
When Rhonda and I boarded the plane in Portland, I was so excited to see him, and at the same time, I was already stressed about when I’d have to leave him again.
I couldn’t believe he bought Ms. Southerby’s shop just so I would fly out there.
That meant he wanted to be with me as much as I was dying to be with him.
But for how long? Two, maybe three weeks if we were lucky?
While flying over the Pacific, I knew that every day with him would be one day closer to when we’d be separated again.
I had barely left Oregon, and I was already miserable about how little time we would have.
Then, the closer we got to New Zealand, the more I realized how this was going to play out.
We’d love every second we were together.
We’d laugh and talk and have great sex. We’d grow closer and I’d fall more in love with him than I already was.
I would even allow myself to picture a life with him.
Then it would all come crashing down the second he got the call.
When that happened, my heart would be torn to pieces again.
Then what? I’d cry on the way home, and when I got back to Sweetbriar, I’d be alone again.
I hate that feeling of missing him so bad it hurts.
And as long as we’re together, I’ll always feel that way, either counting the days until he leaves or the days until he comes back to me.
Either way, I’ll be trading one kind of miserable for another, back and forth with no end in sight.
By the time we landed at the Queenstown Airport, I knew what I had to do.
I was sort of planning on it even when I was packing for this trip.
That’s why I brought only a few days’ worth of clothes.
I didn’t want to break up with him by text or over the phone.
I wanted him to know how much this hurts me, how much I care about him, and I needed him to know all the reasons why I had to do it.
And that was a conversation that needed to take place in person, even if it meant flying halfway around the world.
So, I packed light with the intent of not staying long.
But by the time we started boarding the plane in Portland, I had already changed my mind.
At that point, I decided I couldn’t leave him because he just meant too much to me.
But then the long flight helped me see things more clearly.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what my flight home would be like if we stayed together.
He’s an amazing man, and I’ve completely fallen for him, but that’s not enough.
After we left Honolulu, I made up my mind once and for all.
This was just too hard and there was no way I could live this way for who knows how long. Years? Decades? I couldn’t do that.
When he picked me up at the airport, I tried to think of how to tell him. Then he swept me up off my feet in the hotel room, and in a moment of weakness, I changed my mind again.
How could I break up with this man? I couldn’t, so I kissed him, and it felt so good, so right.
At that moment, I knew we were meant to be together.
But when he kissed me back, as much as I loved it, I realized what a mistake I was making.
I keep making that mistake, thinking it will be okay somehow when deep down I know it won’t.
At that moment I recalled how it felt when he left me in Portland.
That’s when I reminded myself of how hard it was going to be when the film crew took priority over me, and he left for the Southern Alps.
And that’s when I knew for sure. I couldn’t keep flip-flopping.
I had to rip that Band-Aid off. I could and I would, then I’d go home and cry my heart out for weeks.
But at least it would be over, and I could start to move on with my life.
Dinner at a nice restaurant seemed like the perfect place.
I was working up the courage to start the conversation when he took hold of my hand.
I didn’t want to look at him. Whatever he had to say was only going to make what I had to say more difficult.
But then he talked about getting out of his contract and coming back to Sweetbriar with me, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
He was willing to give it all up so we could be together?
It was everything I could have hoped for and for the first time in weeks, that empty void in my chest was finally gone.
Then my heart started racing when he told me he loved me.
I needed to hear him say it. I love him, too, and for the first time, I could tell him.
Sitting at this small, intimate table with him in this dimly lit restaurant suddenly seems romantic, and as happy as I am right now, I have a million questions.
The look he’s giving me, like nothing else matters more than us being together, is going to make this hard, but it’s a conversation that needs to happen.
I take in a breath and try to sound firm. “I love you, I do, but there are a few things I need to resolve.”
He frowns. “Okay, like what?”
I resist the urge to start playing with the corner of my napkin again and instead set it in my lap before looking up to meet his gaze. “I feel like there are things that could come back and bite us.”
Concern paints across his face and he sets his fork down as he leans forward. “Just say it. I’m sure whatever it is, we can work it out.”
I need a second to organize my thoughts, so I take a long drink of water while he watches me, or studies me rather. I don’t blame him. He’s probably desperate to get a read on whatever crazy thing I’m thinking. I would be too if I were sitting across the table from me right now.
I set my glass down and start with my first question.
“Do you think you could really give all of this up and live a normal life? As much as I want that, it doesn’t seem possible.
I mean, I could see it working for a little while, but eventually you’ll resent me for trapping you.
Over time, I think you’ll suffocate, then you’ll blame me, and in the end, you’ll hate me for taking all of this away from you. ”
His look of concern is immediately replaced with… something different, I don’t what exactly. “I see your point. Want to know what I really think?”
Suddenly I’m scared. What if he tells me he can’t give it up after all? Maybe I just helped him see that. What then? I swallow and brace myself for what comes next. “Yes, I want to know.”
“Maddie, the truth is, I could be happy living in Sweetbriar Hollow for the rest of my life, as long as it’s with you.
I’m not a kid anymore. As I get older, my priorities are changing.
The truth is, being with you has shown me there’s something better, and for the first time, I’m seeing the possibilities for new and even more exciting adventures. That’s what I want.”
New and more exciting adventures? Could he be talking about kids?
I’m reminded of how he was back at the Antelope Lodge when we were showing all those kids how to make stick bread.
He seemed to really enjoy that, and he talked about wanting a family of his own someday.
My ovaries are begging me to take him back to the hotel right now so I can climb him like a tree.
It’s not a terrible idea, but we’re not done yet.
“Okay, good answer. But what would you do? It’s not like you’d need to get a job, and there’s only so much to do in Sweetbriar.”
He chuckles at that. “Who says we’d need to stay home all the time?
I mean, I’d want a home base to return to, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t travel.
Come to Sri Lanka with me and ride a tuk-tuk in heavy traffic with double-decker busses and see if it isn’t the biggest thrills of your life.
Or take a trip to Cognac, France, with me.
I promise you won’t ever want to come home.
I want to take you to Bahrain, Dubai, Nepal, Kazakhstan, Ecuador, the jungle in Peru, and so many other places, but the point is, we go together.
Think about it. They’d be short vacations, maybe a week or two, then we’d come back.
And when I’m home, I’d be perfectly content with doing what we did for the two weeks I was there.
I was really happy then, and I think you were too. ”
Well, that was a better answer than I could have hoped for. I love the idea of traveling like that. Who wouldn’t?
“Traveling sounds okay,” I say dryly, doing my best to hide my excitement at the idea.
“But you’re talking short trips, and with me no less.
I’m not going to be able to do the crazy things you’re used to.
I think I could shoot an arrow at your ass, but it just wouldn’t be the same as when Ash does it. ”
That draws a hearty laugh from him. “You mean how can I give up my adventures with my brother so easily? Fair question. It would be a big change, for sure. But here’s the thing.
I’ve done these trips for one reason—because they made me happy.
Now, I’ve found something that makes me more happy.
It’s that simple. And before you suggest that I’ll get bored eventually, I won’t.
I know what I’m giving up. I’m not taking this lightly.
But I also know what I would be gaining and it’s so much better. I’ll say it again—this is what I want.”
He's saying all the right things. How could I not love this man? But that’s not my last question. I have one more and it’s a big one. “What about Ash and Elsie? Wouldn’t quitting totally dismantle their lives?”