Thirty-Nine
Branwen
Long after Stevie fell asleep and her death grip on me eased, I lay there, holding her. The what-ifs torturing me.
How had I not seen that side of Hudson? I replayed every instance where he could have gotten angry, and not one time had he ever exhibited that unstable, dangerous behavior.
Living here might be hard for me. Linc might break my soul. But it was right for Stevie. She had her father. He would always protect her. If she was safe and happy, then I could survive the effect it had on me.
When I finally got up and tucked her in tightly, then pressed a kiss to her head, I stepped into the hallway and stared at my bedroom door. I’d left my phone in there, but I had no one to tell. No one to talk to about this. The ladies from work I’d gotten close to all believed whatever Hudson was saying about me because not one of them had checked in with me. My world had been built around him.
It seemed I was meant to be alone. I had no lasting friendships. That should tell me something. The common denominator was me. I was the problem. When they had to choose, they didn’t choose me. Not Idris, not the women from work. I must be a bad friend. I tried to think about what it could be that made me the one no one wanted to keep.
I headed for the stairs. It was later than I normally stayed up, but I wanted to get something to drink. Maybe some wine. With my heart heavy and in a complete pity-party state, I stepped into the kitchen to find Luther, shirtless, in a pair of jeans that were unbuttoned, as if he had been about to remove them and stopped or had just put them on and not taken the time to fasten them. He was pouring a glass of milk, and there were cookies in a container beside his glass.
He glanced up at me. “Coming for a snack?” he asked as he put the top back on the gallon of milk.
I shrugged. “I was thinking more along the lines of a drink.”
His lips twitched. “You want wine or something stronger?”
“Wine.”
“Red or white?”
“Red.”
He put the milk back into the refrigerator, then walked over to the other side of it and pulled out a hidden rack that held at least three dozen bottles of wine. He stood in front of it, looking at different ones, then slid one out and pushed the rack back into the wall.
“Figure you’re not gonna drink it all, so I chose one I’ll finish off,” he said, then placed it on the counter and began to uncork it. “Sounds like you had some excitement today.” He cut his eyes up at me.
I scrunched my nose and pulled out a barstool across from him, then sat down. “Not what I’d call excitement.”
“At least you didn’t marry the crazy fucker.” He pointed out what I had already been dwelling on.
“Yep. That’s going to mess with my head for a while.”
He walked over and got down a wineglass, then filled it almost to the top. I looked at it, wide-eyed.
“Just drink it. You need it. You’re pale and wounded-looking,” he said, then reached for a cookie. “You know, I wasn’t so sure about this sunflower butter stuff, but, damn, these cookies are just as good as my peanut butter ones. I can’t even be mad about it.”
I picked up the glass as he took a bite and began to chew.
After taking a sip, I nodded my head toward his unbuttoned fly. “You often forget to button your jeans?”
He took a drink of milk, then shook his head. “Just sent my fuck home and didn’t have the energy.”
I choked on my wine and covered my mouth as I coughed.
Luther leaned over and patted my back. “Easy there.”
It took me a moment to get my voice back.
“I wasn’t, uh, expecting that answer, I guess,” I replied. “Although I should have. You were probably the one who told me about the threesome the first time I came here.”
He had a cookie halfway to his mouth and stopped. “What first time?”
I took another drink, then swallowed. “When I came to tell Linc I was pregnant.”
Luther lowered the cookie back to the table. His eyebrows drew together. “You came here to tell him you were pregnant?”
“Yep, and when I pressed the intercom button on the gate, a man answered and informed me that Linc was involved in a threesome, and when he was ready for another cunt, then he’d give me a call.” I picked up my glass and tilted it toward him. “My bet is, that was you.”
Luther rubbed his face and blew out a breath. “Fuck,” he muttered, like this was bad news. “Linc doesn’t know about this.”
It didn’t sound like a question, but more of a statement, but I answered anyway. “No. He never asked me or gave me the chance to explain. He assumed I’d never come here, and honestly, admitting that I knew he had threesomes was…uncomfortable and awkward.
“And after that night, I’d decided he had given me the morning-after pill. He said in his note that he didn’t want a kid. I couldn’t stand the thought of my baby ever feeling like it had a father who didn’t want it.” I sighed. “So, I told her he was dead instead. That way, she’d never feel like he didn’t want her. He wasn’t around because he wasn’t alive. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I see now that I was wrong, and I will live with the guilt of it for the rest of my life.”
I gave him a tight smile. “Sorry, I am lost in my own pity party tonight, wallowing in my bad decisions and loneliness.”
Luther turned and took down another wineglass, then poured some in it before taking a long swig. When he set it down, he groaned. “Jesus H. Christ.”
I drank mine, saying nothing, while I watched him almost scowl as he stared down at the glass.
He finally blew out a breath and looked back up at me. “Here, eat a cookie,” he said, pushing the container near me.
“I’m not—”
“They’re delicious. Eat a fucking cookie,” he cut me off.
“O-kay,” I replied and reached into the container.
He looked to be in deep thought as he took another drink of his wine.
“I thought I heard voices in here,” Jayda said.
I turned to see her enter the kitchen, wearing a pair of cutoff sweatpants and a tank top. She had on no bra, and I was almost positive her nipples were pierced.
God, I wanted to dislike her. I knew Linc had slept with her. They were too familiar. He was nice to her, and they got along. With me, he fucked me, then treated me like I was a random stranger or dirt on the floor. It was me. Something was wrong with me. I had to face it.
I took a much bigger drink this time, hoping the wine would numb the pain and regret.
“Come eat some of my cookies so you have to make me some more,” Luther told her, then held up the bottle of wine. “Get you some of this too.”
She sauntered in, and he watched her like she was about to perform for him onstage. The lust in his gaze blatantly on his face. Not even attempting to hide it.
When she reached him, she picked up a cookie and grinned. “Told you you’d like them.”
He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against his side. “Almost as much as I like your pierced nipples and you walking around without a bra on.”
She slapped his chest and rolled her eyes while taking a bite of her cookie.
I watched them, wishing that I could be like her. Have sex with a man and live with him and be friends. Not let emotions get in the way. Not want or ache for more. Maybe that was my problem. I had delusions of romance and being loved the way that I’d witnessed in Florida with the wives of Garrett, Levi, and Blaise. The way they looked at them as if they were all they could see. All they wanted to see. I wasn’t one of those women. I didn’t inspire that in a man like them. Like Linc.
But if I could be a Jayda…maybe then I’d have Linc in a way. Where he didn’t treat me like a fling that wouldn’t go away.
Which is kinda what I am , I thought sourly.
Hudson had given me a false sense of comfort. I clearly sucked at picking out men.
Luther filled my glass back up, and I watched him, not having realized I’d drunk all of it.
“I have a raspberry cheesecake in the fridge,” Jayda said, walking over to get it out.
“Grab another bottle,” Luther told her and held up the one he had. “This one is almost gone.”
I should probably go to bed. Picking up my wine, I decided against it. Why start doing the smart thing when I was so good at doing the stupid one?