I Will Not Be Defeated - PAST
TRIGGER WARNING - Attempted SA, physical assault, major injury and description of injury, blood and gore, violence
Juliette - Age 16
The Captain of the Guard was rightfully concerned when I informed him about the incident in the gardens and he told me he'd have Matthew and Warren fired immediately. I was grateful for his promptness and I made a mental note of his kindness.
It's been a couple days since the conversation in the study with the King and I've been feeling the weight of his words pressing on me.
Just the thought of being married to King Richard of Gilgunronh makes my skin crawl and I fight the urge to scratch the wrongness off me.
I've been avoiding the King and my mother so I don't have to see them because I know I can't control the emotions on my face.
I'm afraid of what the King would do if he saw the open disgust on my face.
People always assume I'm weak because I'm young and pretty.
They don't care for my mind, my musical talent, my physical strength or my heart.
Instead they place me in their box of what a soft, kind and stupid little girl looks like.
The King likes that box the most but only because he enjoys breaking everything about me to make me fit.
Sometimes it's hard to remember he's my father. Because it feels like parents aren't meant to love their child like this. Because this kind of love hurts.
The moon bathes my skin as I walk along the castles' open stone corridor that connects the different wings.
The fresh air makes me feel less nauseous the way nature has always done for me.
Glistening snowy fields glow in the night and from my perch above I can see the first few yellow specks from the city of Murdoch.
The castle has always felt so removed from the people.
I am so relaxed as I stare out into the forest that I don't hear them come up behind me.
"Why hello there Little Princess."
I whip around, my heart beating furiously as I stare at Matthew and Warren. Neither of them are wearing their guard uniforms and we are alone in the night.
"Did you have to be such a little stuck up bitch and get us fired? For what? Getting your title wrong?" Matthew starts towards me and I stumble backwards in fright.
"You're just as snobby as people say." Warren continues following closely to Matthew. Both of them have eyes that promise nothing but pain and it reminds me so much of the King that I can't help the small sob of fright that escapes me. The sound delights them.
Warren and Matthew crowd me against the balcony despite my hands desperately shoving them off me. "Get off! Get off!"
Warren laughs, gripping my blonde curls in his fist and yanking my head back, "look at the Little Princess. Not so snobby now huh?"
I sob and Matthew grins, leaning forward and licking a long, slimy line up my neck. I shudder and try to shove him off. He easily overpowers me.
"Mm not snobby at all," Matthew agrees.
Fear fills me. The King has always been violent. Pain I can take... but this? No. No. No.
Hands touch me and grope my body, tearing at my pink dress.
No. A new feeling fills me. It's calmer. More focused. The first time I ever felt this way was the first time my father hit me. Numbness replaces fear. My mind adjusts and my body follows suit.
I will not be scared. I will not give up. I will not be defeated.
I take a deep breath and try to recall some of the things the guards taught me for self defense.
Lunging I put all my strength into plunging my fingers into Matthew's eye.
He screams and blood pours out of his eye and onto my hand, the thick liquid running down my arm.
I rip my hand free and barge my body into Warren aiming my knee into his groin.
They both fall groaning to the ground and I take my opportunity and sprint towards my parents wing.
I hate them and they hate me but if Matthew and Warren got what they wanted my marriage to King Richard would be void. My parents would protect me. Just this once.
My pink tattered dress streams behind me as I run and it frightens me that I didn't even notice them rip it.
"Come back here you little bitch!" Rough footfalls follow me and I sob harder. It seems my bravery didn't last long and fear overtakes my body as I push myself faster.
Where is everyone? This is meant to be a freaking castle!
I sprint inside and run towards the spiral staircase that goes up to my parents' chambers.
"Little Princess... where do you think you're going?" Matthew's creepy singsong voice haunts me as I desperately climb.
My fingers brush the top handrail when a sharp tug sends me flying backwards down the stairs.
Everything slows down as I tumble backwards past two bodies and down the spiral stairs.
Pain lances through every part of my body but I don't scream.
It's like the pain has frozen my body and I can't speak or move.
When I finally hit the ground everything goes black.
Hazy voices wake me.
"Shit. That was too loud. There's no way they didn't wake up."
"Shut up, Matthew"
They're silent for a moment, listening.
Shouts make them curse and my body slumps in on itself in relief.
I allow myself to drift back into the comforting black.
"Hi honey. How are you feeling?" Her warm voice blankets over me.
"I'm okay... where's Daria?" I desperately want to see her kind face. She'll know what to do about all this mess.
"She's just ducked out to fetch some tea, she'll be back any moment. Now sweets are you up to telling me what happened?"
I'm surprised she asked at all. Normally Mrs. Ardour minds her own business because she knows I can't tell anyone what the King does in his free time. I shudder to think what he'd do to her if he thought she knew anything.
Mrs. Ardour must see my shock because she gives me a sad smile. "The King stormed in here furiously shouting when the guards first found you. Demanding to know if... if you had been 'damaged'. I figure he probably would have known himself if he'd... you know."
For the first time in my relationship with Mrs. Ardour I wonder if I should be angry at her. Angry that she has known the entire time what the King does but has never stood up for me. But I can't be. I know the position she's in and the silence it requires.
"Did the guards find them?" I ask her, moving to sit up when I cry out in pain.
"Careful! Careful, honey. You did some awful injury to yourself last night." She fusses over me and forces me to lay back down. "I'll grab you something for the pain. Be right back."
She disappears from view and I carefully draw back my bed sheets to reveal my tattered body.
Some of the scars I have are old and I trace a shaky finger over them in familiarity.
Others are new and infinitely more painful.
A large bruise paints a grotesque image across my ribs and from the aching I assume at least a few are broken.
Blood stained bandages cover one of my legs and I quickly realise that my knee hurts the worst out of every body part.
I lift my left hand to my face and jolt when I note that my wrist is also bandaged and extremely sore.
I swap hands and use my right to trace my face.
My nose aches but doesn't feel broken but my forehead and eye burn in a way that means I'll have a nasty bruise for a week or two.
"Here honey. Herbs for the pain." Mrs. Ardour enters back into the room and I accept the herbs gratefully.
"What happened to my leg?" I tentatively ask her.
She gives me a pity filled look. "You twisted and broke it pretty bad coming down the stairs. I tried my best to fix it but I doubt you'll ever be able to use it properly again."
Shock settle on my chest. "Show me?"
She studies me before nodding slowly and peeling the bloody bandage off my leg. I can't help the gasp that escapes me. It's like I'm looking at a leg that isn't mine. My knee is a mangled mess of blood and flesh and my leg has a large gash where its clear bone has broken the barrier.
Mrs. Ardour rewraps my leg quickly. "It won't look like that forever, Juliette. It will heal and you should gain most of your mobility back in no time."
I nod quietly. Reality of the whole night washes over me suddenly and I feel a sob choke my throat.
"I'm okay Mrs. Ardour. If you wouldn't mind." I nod my head towards the door and she looks at me in surprise.
"Of course, Juliette. I'll be back in a couple hours to check in."
Once I'm finally alone I allow myself to remember last night. The fear. The pain. And... that feeling. It felt like something snapped into place within me, like I could have done anything, to anyone.
I wonder if I looked like my father in that moment.
Tears run down my cheeks and I finally allow myself to cry.
I don't stop for hours.