Chapter 20
20
Atlas
I woke up the next morning, Rowan sprawled beside me in bed. She was fast asleep, the sheet wrapped around her naked body. Briefly I toyed with waking her up to deal with my morning hard-on, but considering the workout I’d given her the night before, she needed the sleep.
Besides, I had shit to do this morning.
I felt surprisingly calm given the way I’d upended my life only the day before, making all those decisions that would have lasting consequences not just for me, but for Rowan also.
Still, I’d had to make them.
I’d never wanted to end being my father, with a very young wife who’d had a child way too early, and yet here I was with, with my own very young wife, who might be pregnant already, and a savage possessive beast deep in my heart.
I couldn’t fight it, I’d given that up yesterday, but one thing I was going to hold firm on: I’d never treat Rowan the way Dad had treated Mom. She was mine, but I’d never use her carelessly, never break her or ignore her. Never hurt her for my own amusement.
I’d seen the doubt in her eyes yesterday, as I’d held her in my arms, and she’d made it clear that when I’d walked away from her and Cait all those years ago, I’d broken a trust I didn’t know she’d even given me.
But she had and now it was my turn to fix it, to make her believe that I wouldn’t let her down this time, that I wouldn’t walk away. So I’d told her in no uncertain terms exactly what I wanted and exactly what I expected, laying out the facts so she could make a choice for herself, but letting her know too, that I meant what I said. I’d sworn I wouldn’t play games with her and I wouldn’t.
So what was the sex about then? If not a manipulation game?
No, fuck, that hadn’t been a game. That had been a promise. A sealing of the deal. Showing her that I was telling the truth, that I meant every word I said, and she’d believed me. She’d said yes, and the satisfaction I’d felt in that moment had been indescribable.
I slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb her as I pulled on some jeans. My dick was hard just thinking about her being pregnant with my child, which was odd considering I’d never gotten off on pregnant women before. Likely it was due to that possessive, insatiable monster inside me, the one that Rowan had set free. It liked the thought of her being pregnant very much. Fuck, too much.
And speaking of the baby…
Yesterday I’d told her that I wasn’t going to give Charlotte any child of mine and she’d been shocked, as she had every right to be given how cavalier I’d been about the whole baby thing. But I wasn’t now. I wasn’t cavalier about anything now and no, Charlotte wouldn’t be taking any kid of mine.
In addition to keeping Rowan, I was going to keep any baby we had too.
I wanted to turn and look at her, maybe pull the sheet away, trace all the parts of her that were mine, but I resisted. She needed sleep and I had things organize.
Downstairs, I called Cait to give her a heads up about what was going on with Rowan and I. Rowan would probably want to talk to Cait herself at some point, but we both had stakes in this situation, and I’d decided it would be better if Cait heard from me first.
“Hello?” Cait’s familiar voice answered.
“Cait,” I said. “It’s Atlas.”
There was a long and very shocked silence.
“How did you…I mean…why are you…It’s been…” She trailed off, sounding a lot more hesitant and anxious that she’d been when I’d known her.
“Years,” I finished for her. “Yeah, I know. But something’s happened and I thought I needed to tell you myself.”
“Tell me what?”
I frowned at the opposite wall, thinking about what to say to Cait since I wasn’t sure what Rowan had told to her. Probably nothing about Charlotte or the whole baby thing, so maybe I didn’t need to get into that. But obviously she needed to know that Rowan and I were together, and that Rowan would be moving in with me.
“I met Rowan a couple of weeks ago,” I said into the silence. “And I thought you needed to hear it from me, but she and I are seeing each other.”
“Seeing each other?” Cait echoed, clearly not understanding.
I wasn’t going to give her the details — that wasn’t anyone’s business except Rowan’s and mine — but there was no point in hiding that we were sleeping together.
“As in fucking,” I said bluntly. “Rowan wanted to tell you herself, but I thought you and me needed to have that conversation without her.”
“You’re what?” There was shock in her voice. “Atlas, she’s nearly twenty years?—”
“Younger than I am, yes. I realize that.”
“But…you and I were married and we—” She broke off abruptly.
“I know what we were. Believe me, I know.”
Another silence echoed.
“Did you force her into it?” This time there was a hint of Cait’s old spirit in her tone, the fighting spirit that Rowan had inherited from her.
“No, of course not.” Cait’s questions were valid and there was no point getting pissed off with her about them. “You know I’d never do anything like that.”
“But she’s so young. She knows nothing about men and I?—”
“She’s strong, intelligent, stubborn as fuck, and she knows more than you give her credit,” I snapped, suddenly irritated on Rowan’s behalf. “It was a mutual decision.”
“I…don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. But you should know that I’ve asked Rowan to move in with me.”
“Move in with you?” Again with the shock. “But what about me?”
I knew why her first thought was not about Rowan but about herself. She’d had years of leaning on Rowan for support, so it would take her a while to get used to the idea that her daughter wouldn’t always be there every second of the day.
“I’ll figure something out,” I said.
“Oh?” There was a hint of sharpness in her tone. “Like you did when you left?”
I sighed. “Cait, you know why I left. We were never a couple that way.”
She said nothing for a long moment. “I suppose that’s not fair of me,” she murmured at last. “No, we weren’t, but…she and I struggled, Atlas. We’re struggling still.”
“I know that. Rowan’s told me about it, and I’m going to help you, okay? But you need to know that Rowan will not be dropping everything every time you need her. It’s time for her to live her life, Cait.”
For a minute I thought she might protest, but she only said, “I worry about her. It wasn’t my choice that she put everything on hold for me, but I couldn’t…” She let out a breath. “Well, there’s no point rehashing things. I’m doing better than I was, but I still need support and Rowan’s been the only one who can help.”
“Not anymore. I’m going to make a few calls and someone will be in touch with you soon. Rowan will probably call you today herself, but I swear to God if you give her any shit about me or living with me, I will not be happy.”
“Okay,” Cait said, sounding subdued. “Atlas… Be good to her, please. She deserves more from her life than being a nurse to me.”
“Yeah, she does. She deserves a lot more. But don’t worry, she’ll get it.”
And I meant it. She would get everything she deserved and more.
After I’d finished with Cait, I made a few other calls then went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast for Rowan. I was going to give her breakfast in bed while we discussed Charlotte and what to do about her.
Obviously going to the fertility clinic was now no longer necessary. Hell, Rowan could be pregnant right now given the number of times I’d been inside her the night before, satisfying my hunger for her.
I’d told her what to do and how, and she’d done everything I’d asked, enjoying the hell out of it in the process. And I knew she had. I had the scratches on my back to prove it.
She was a firecracker, the most intensely hungry, passionate woman I’d ever had in my bed, and I was positive that it was going to take me a good long time to get tired of her.
If you ever will.
I shoved that thought aside. I hadn’t considered how long this relationship would be for, but I was now her husband legally and in other ways. Love wasn’t part of it, of course. I wasn’t getting into that toxic bullshit with anyone. I’d tell Rowan, of course, that she wouldn’t be getting that from me, but at least I could give her honesty. That, I could guarantee.
She was too sharp, though, that was her trouble. She saw me too clearly and as if that wasn’t bad enough, she confronted me too. She had no fear of me, presenting me honestly with my own bullshit, and I couldn’t remember the last woman to do that.
It was uncomfortable, yet at the same time I couldn’t help but respect her for it. She was going to keep me on my toes, that was for sure, and part of me was looking forward to it.
I got together the breakfast — omelette, orange juice and coffee — and put it on a tray then carried it upstairs.
She was lying in the middle of my bed, the sheets wrapped around her naked body, still fast asleep. Her black hair was spread like silk across my pillows, her face half-buried in one. The sheet had slipped down to her waist, revealing the elegant curve of her bare back, and at the sight of all that skin, my dick behaved with its usual relentless predictability by getting hard.
There were lots of interesting ways I could wake her up, but she needed food more than anything else considering our lunch had ended up being truncated in favor of sex the previous day, and then she’d been very disobedient about dinner. I’d had to give her a few delicious punishments for that, but none of them had consisted of food.
I set the tray down on one of the nightstands beside the bed then sat down beside her and ran a gentle hand down her back. Her skin was warm and silky and she smelled of sex and flower and me, and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning over her and kissed the back of her neck. Then another and another, little kisses down her spine until I felt her move and make sleepy noises.
I lifted my head and stared down at her as she turned over, black lashes lifting, her deep blue-violet eyes looking sleepily up at me. Then she smiled, a smile sent straight from heaven that hit me squarely in the chest.
It was mine, that smile. It was all for me. Because of me.
I wanted to pull down the sheet, bare her body, and eat her up like the treat she was and the wolf I was, but there were yet more conversations to be had that wouldn’t wait and so I restrained myself.
Rowan, though, clearly had no such issues because she reached up, sliding her fingers into my hair and pulling me down for a kiss. “Good morning,” she murmured. “I woke up earlier but you weren’t there.”
I pulled her hands away and kissed her fingers. “No, I was getting you breakfast.”
She frowned, tugging her fingers out of my grip and putting a hand to my chest, trailing her fingertips over my skin. I was only wearing a pair of jeans, hadn’t bothered with a shirt, but the light brush of her fingertips set me on fire.
Christ, this was ridiculous. We’d been up all night fucking, yet here I was, ready for more with only the lightest of touches. She was supposed to be mine, I wasn’t supposed to be hers.
“You need to eat,” I growled as her fingertips brushed across my stomach.
“I could,” she said. “Or I could just eat you.” Those teasing fingertips went lower, lightly traced the growing hard-on behind my zipper. “Seems like you wouldn’t be averse.”
I brought my hand down over hers, holding it against my fly so she couldn’t move it. “Greedy, beauty,” I chided. “You need food otherwise you won’t have energy for anything else.”
She gave me a look from beneath her lashes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be pressuring you into sex.”
“Oh, don’t worry, no pressure required. But later. Now,” I added firmly. “Food.”
She pouted a few moments, mainly for my benefit, then she sat up, still wrapped in her sheet and let me put the tray down on some pillows.
“I had no idea you could cook,” she murmured as she began to eat. “This omelette is delicious, by the way.”
“I am skilled at many things.” I picked my own coffee cup off the tray and took a sip.
“I know,” she said sagely. “I found out about most of them last night.”
I smiled. “You’re assuming I showed you everything. I have a few more tricks for you to learn.”
“I bet.”
“Some things to discuss, first,’ I said, breaking the subject gently. “Cait and Charlotte.”
Rowan ate some more omelette then put her fork down. “I’ll go and see Mom?—”
“I called her already.”
The teasing light vanished from her eyes. “Why? I told you I wanted to speak to her.”
“I know you did, but I had a few things to say to her which you didn’t need to hear.”
She stared at me, her gaze narrowing. “Did you tell her that?—”
“We were married? No. That we were together, yes, and that yes, you’re also moving in with me.”
Rowan settled back against the pillows, hands wrapped around her coffee mug. “What did she say?”
“She was understandably shocked,” I wasn’t about to tell Rowan that her mother’s first thought was for herself. “But I told her that we’d sort her out something, some means of support. I’ve already made a few other calls to a place that can help her. It’s a live-in arrangement, so she won’t be alone.”
Rowan’s expression was inscrutable. “You didn’t tell her about Charlotte?”
“No. I didn’t think she needed to hear about that, not yet at least. We need to decide what to do about her.”
Rowan looked down, examining the contents of her cup. “There isn’t anything we can do about her. She said she had something on you to make you do what she wanted, but she didn’t tell me what it was.”
Briefly I debated her telling her Ten’s specific issue, but then dismissed it. That was Ten’s story to tell, not mine. “It’s something on a close friend of mine,” I said. “Something big that could mean jail time for him if she decides to use it.”
Rowan stared at me from over the top of her coffee. “So what do we do then?”
“I need to talk to my friend and a few others, see if we can’t find a way around it. But I don’t want you to worry about that.” I held her gaze. “All you need to worry about is pleasing me, hmm?”
She frowned. “What you said about last night and keeping the child. I didn’t think you wanted to be a father.”
Little witch. Clearly she wasn’t going to fall in line the way she should be doing. Then again, I liked her pushing me, especially when since I enjoyed the hell out of her keeping her in line.
“I told you why I changed my mind last night,” I reminded her.
Her gaze was very steady and very direct. “While making it very difficult for me to think. In fact, I think you were using sex to manipulate me into saying yes to everything.”
Fuck, she knew which buttons to press, didn’t she? An accusation of being manipulative was not something I enjoyed, especially when there were already too many similarities between myself and my father. Then again, his manipulations were all about him. Mine were about making sure Rowan and the child were protected.
“I didn’t manipulate you,” I said. “I was proving that I meant what I said, that I wouldn’t walk away.”
“With your dick?”
“Yes,” I said testily. “With my dick.”
Her gaze narrowed. “You really want to be a father, Atlas?”
The same impatience that I’d felt when Ten had said the same thing wound through me. “Well, if I had a fucking choice, no,” I said, because I’d promised her honesty.
“Why not?”
There she went again, zeroing in on the most annoying question to ask, even if it was a fair one. “Well, for starters, I told you that my old man was an asshole. He was also a shitty father.” I smiled and not particularly nicely. “I’ve inherited the worst of him which makes doesn’t make for very good father material.”
Rowan didn’t smile back. “What’s the worst of him?”
“My manipulative charm,” I said, only a little self-deprecating. “Plus a certain selfish personality, along with a little narcissism thrown in for good measure.”
“What do you mean a selfish personality?” Rowan was frowning now. “You’re not selfish, Atlas.”
“Did you miss the bit where I said everything was about me?”
“But that’s diff?—”
“I’m a possessive, jealous, controlling, and demanding fuck. All of which were my father’s more loveable attributes.”
She gave me a very steady look. “You’re some of those things, but not all of them.”
I shook my head. “You don’t know me, beauty, that’s the problem. But you’ll figure it out soon enough.” And she would. One night of being mine was one thing, but weeks, months, and maybe years would be quite another.
“Okay, fine,” she said impatiently. “But despite all of that you want to keep the baby?”
I didn’t even hesitate. “Yes. What’s mine stays mine. Besides, the kid will have you for a mom, and I’ll make sure they grow up in a better situation than I ever did.”
She looked down into her coffee cup again. “So you’ll have no part in bringing them up?”
Another question that seemed to slide under my skin, sharp as a shard of glass. “Not if you want a happy, well adjusted kid,” I said flatly. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll leave you to do the lion’s share of the?—”
“I never had a father, Atlas,” she interrupted unexpectedly. “I never had contact with him and Mom would never talk about him. He was just another man who let her down. But I can’t help wondering if life would have been different if he’d been around. If it would have been…easier.”
“It wouldn’t,” I said. “Not give Cait’s shitty taste in men, and yes, I include myself. Anyway, having no father is better than have a bad father, believe me.”
“Why? What makes you say that?”
Fuck. I didn’t want to go through all that bullshit again, and telling her to drop the subject would have been the easiest thing. Yet I found myself saying instead, “I told you what my dad did to Mom. Well, he brought me and my brother, North, up to be just like him. He was a narcissist, with no interest in anything outside of what he wanted. He liked having a pretty woman on his arm and good whisky to drink, and parties to attend. He liked being important, having everyone fawning on him, and playing sick games to get people to do what he wanted.” I gave a harsh laugh. “North and I were just participants in his court of admirers, and if you didn’t buy into his charm, he made sure you paid for it.”
Rowan’s gaze was very steady. “And you think you’re the same? That you’re a narcissist just like him?”
I was conscious of my muscles tightening, my anger beginning to simmer, though what she’d only asked me a question, not made a statement. “You tell me,” I said. “I want to own you. I want you to worship me, to make your whole world about me. I’ll likely punch anyone in the face who tries to touch you, and I’ll send Charlotte Hamilton straight to hell rather than give her what I consider mine. So what’s that if it’s not the same as Charles Blackwood?”
Rowan’s brow creased. “I don’t think that’s true. I didn’t know your father, obviously, but don’t narcissists care only about themselves? To the exclusion of everyone else? You’ve been nothing but concerned about me from the start.”
I shifted on the bed, abruptly uncomfortable for reasons I couldn’t explain. “Don’t turn me into a good guy, toy,” I said roughly, because she was wrong about that. “I was concerned about you because of my own feelings of guilt. It wasn’t to do with you, personally.”
Her head tilted, black hair falling over one shoulder, blue eyes staring at me. “Why don’t you like me thinking you’re a decent man? Wouldn’t an actual narcissist protest at being called a narcissist?”
The feeling of discomfort deepened. I couldn’t tell her what I wanted to tell her, that good men didn’t believe every word that fell out of an asshole’s mouth or thought he was a hero. Good men didn’t ignore their mother’s distress or treat her with disdain because their father told them to. Good men didn’t ruin their father’s company, and laugh when they’d found out he’d shot himself. Good men didn’t help a friend hide a murder. And good men certainly didn’t seduce a vulnerable young woman and make her their property.
There was nothing good about me. Nothing.
“Time to stop asking questions, toy,” I ordered, leaning in and taking her coffee cup out of her hands. “Time to get on your back and spread your legs for me.”