Emails
Subject: What’s wrong with me?
My sister offered to set me up with one of her colleagues and I refused to even consider it. She then spammed me with pics of this woman and she is STUNNING and she’s a pilates instructor ??
AND according to my sis she’d be up for “just having some fun” — it is pretty much the perfect scenario and yet I have literally zero interest in pursuing it. What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with me?
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
As someone who likes to bend guys into pretzels and get as deep as possible I can definitely see the appeal of a pilates instructor ??
But you’ve only just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship. Maybe you’re not ready to be intimate with anyone else yet?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
I don’t think that’s it. We only recently broke up, but it’s been a while since we were intimate.
I’m not really the kind of guy who keeps track of that sort of thing but I’m pretty sure the last time I had sex was around Easter.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Okay, wow. No judgement, but wow. I’m pretty sure my dick would fall off if I didn’t use it for that long ?? I’m going on about a month without a shag and that’s a long drought for me.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
A MONTH? Are you kidding me?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
???♂? What can I say? I like to fuck. Nothing wrong with that. Also, nothing wrong with not liking to fuck or not fucking for a while . Or pretty much anything fucking-related as long as it’s consensual.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
You really are a champion of the people, aren’t you? ??
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
I’m expecting my award any day now. And with this title comes the power of great insight, so sit back, relax, and let me tell you why you’re not interested in the hot pilates girl:
Drumroll…
You’re too busy wanking to those “disturbing” (your words) fantasies of your ex future brother-in-law.
BANG! Nailed it!
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
You are a horrible human being.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Hey, I just helped you have an epiphany!
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
That was NOT helpful. Why are we even friends?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
We’re friends? ?? Wow I’m honoured! I’ll start practicing my braiding right away! What size should I make the bracelet?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
You really are a prick you know.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
That’s really not a nice way to speak to your friend ??
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
You’re right. Maybe a more accurate term would be ‘frenemy’ - you are a West Ham supporter after all. We could never be ACTUAL friends with that standing between us.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Well, I know what colours your bracelet is going to be ??
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
If you were a true friend it’d be blue and white.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Alas, I’m only a frenemy so I won’t be soiling these perfect hands with Chelsea colours. Claret and blue looks way better anyway.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
I wouldn’t floss my arse with a bracelet like that.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Wow. That was…descriptive. Do you regularly floss your arse?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Lol no. Just making a point.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Ahh, I thought maybe it was one of your sexy “Voldemort” fantasies. Can’t say I’ve ever tried that before, but I’m definitely intrigued…
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
God, you’re the worst! I can’t believe you’re bringing this up again!
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Hey, you’re the one who mentioned arse flossing ?????♂?
And I’m not hearing a no… ??
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
You’re not hearing anything. This is email ??
But no. That’s not one of the fantasies.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
I’m going to need details.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Why?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Curiosity ?????♂?
Come on mate, you tell me you’re having insanely hot fantasies about a guy you hate. How can I not be interested?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
I never said they were “insanely hot.”
But forget it, it’s private.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Private? Since when? Scroll back, mate—you’re the one who told me about the fantasies in the first place. The can of worms is open, there’s no putting the lid back on it now.
And of course, they’re insanely hot. No one wanks to only okay fantasies.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t you tell me about your embarrassing fantasies first? There must be something you’re not too proud of.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Okay fine. But only because we’re friends ??
This is really humiliating so you can’t tell anyone, okay? I don’t want to lose any of my street cred.
Okay…here goes.
Deep breath…
I kind of have a thing for Harry Styles ??
Oh, wow it feels so good to get that off my chest! Thanks for encouraging me to be honest about my feelings.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Harry Styles? Are you kidding me? I’m over here having a panic attack because I can’t stop picturing my ex’s brother naked and you’ve got a crush on a guy that pretty much every woman and gay man in the entire world finds attractive?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Okay, okay, fine! But I’m serious that no one else knows about the Harry Styles thing. Let’s just say he’s not my usual type…
But if you need something a bit more substantial to even the playing field, here goes:
I’ve never had a thing for an ex’s brother, probably because I’ve never had an ex…BUT I have had a few fantasies about a sibling’s partner.
How’s that? A bit more up to your standard?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Wow. Yeah, that’s a bit more like it.
Are they still together?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Nope. Broken up.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
So why don’t you go for it? Make fantasy a reality?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Because he’s a total pratt and also not into guys. But mainly the pratt thing.
What about you? Why don’t you go for it with Mr Sexy-as-Hell Ex Future Brother-in-Law?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Same reason. But not only is he not into guys, I’m pretty sure he’d break my teeth if he knew some of the thoughts going on in my head right now.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What’s wrong with me?
Urgh. Why are the hot ones always arseholes?