Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
DEX
“What are you doing?” Thom asks, making me jump in my chair.
I realize it’s been way too long since I’ve heard a human voice. I’ve been locked in my office for the last three hours doing paperwork. I should probably put doing paperwork in quotes because I haven’t actually filed anything.
We have expenses due to the accountant, and I need to authorize e-checks for a couple of deliveries, but every time I sit down to do any kind of work, my mind wanders.
It’s obvious Thom has noticed because he doesn’t normally come check on me when I’m doing admin stuff. He always tells me he’s allergic to it and it gives him hives, but I know the real reason behind it. It triggers his insecurities because it’s something he can’t easily do.
“I’m, uh…” I gesture weakly at my computer screen, which I realize a beat too late is turned off.
Thom raises a brow at me, then lifts his hands to sign, ‘Bullshit.’
I sigh and flip him off. I can respond in ASL. I’m not perfectly fluent, but I’m more than conversational now. Three years under Denver’s careful instruction, along with hanging around Robbie’s family and Lexi’s friends, will do that for a guy.
But there’s only one person I’ve ever been interested in impressing with my skills, and he’s not here. When Thom said Rome was going to be gone for three years, I thought he was exaggerating.
I should have realized he wasn’t.
“Sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” That, at least, isn’t a lie. My insomnia has been like a plague lately, so I spent half the night creating a couple of new classes for the gym.
I would normally be excited about them too. People have been begging for a glutes session to go with the abs class, so I put together a syllabus and filmed a couple of videos to introduce it online.
But the busywork didn’t help. I spent the rest of the night either pacing or rotting on my phone, scrolling through my socials, hoping—and dreading—that I’d catch a glimpse of Rome.
Unfortunately—or fortunately, I don’t even know anymore—he isn’t really into social media. He’s never online, and if he is, he lurks and doesn’t post often. Right after he got to France, he unfollowed my account, but I couldn’t bring myself to respond in kind.
I didn’t want to hurt him like he hurt me.
But every now and again, I catch a glimpse of him.
A few times, I saw videos of him at parties with his new, horrible French friends who have no business being as hot as they are.
And twice when Quinn and Theo went to visit him, he posted selfies of the three of them smiling.
That was the only time he looked really happy.
Thom raps his knuckles on the desk. ‘What’s wrong?’ He defaults to ASL now. He and Robbie are almost entirely voice-off in their house, so it makes sense.
I shrug. ‘Nothing.’
‘Liar.’
I heave a heavy sigh and drop my hands to my lap. “I don’t know. Things just feel…” My words die in the back of my throat. Stagnant? Sad? Lonely?
That last part is obvious. Lexi and I had a whirlwind relationship of exactly six months before her ex, Drew, came back into town, and it was obvious—as much as she denied it—that they were a better fit than we ever were.
I’m not even mad about it. She’s become my absolute best friend in the entire world, and frankly, hooking up with her had been to soothe an ache Rome left behind. It had helped.
A little.
For a guy I barely knew, he sure knew how to leave scars.
Maybe I would feel better about it if I told someone about that last night we had together.
The way we fucked was raw and unfiltered, both physically and emotionally.
But the only person who knows is Lexi, and she thinks I’m the world’s biggest loser for pining after a guy who clearly doesn’t want me.
A guy who’s angry at himself for wanting me.
I’ve had a few hookups since Lexi and I broke up. I tested the waters of my bisexuality and was happy to learn it wasn’t just Rome who got my dick hard. But it was just Rome who gave me the heart boner I didn’t fucking want.
God, why was the universe so cruel?
Thom clears his throat. “I think you need a vacation. Or, at the very least, a drink.”
I laugh, then pass a hand down my face. “Yeah. A drink sounds nice.” I’m too afraid to leave the gym. I swear it’ll burn down if I even think about stepping foot outside of town.
Thom’s eyes suddenly go wide, and he slams his hand down on the desk, knocking over one of my fake succulents. He shoots me an apologetic smile as he fixes it. “Sorry, I just remembered something.”
“What is it?”
“You know that horrible pizza place that shut down last year?”
I grimace. It was run by two dudes I was convinced had never tasted pizza in their lives. “Mhm.”
“Mellie said there’s a sign in the window, and a new cat café is opening up!”
I blink at him. “What the fuck is a cat café?”
“You know,” Thom says, like I’m supposed to know what he means. I shake my head in frustration, and he groans. “Dude, you are such a fucking hermit. It’s, like, a shop that makes coffee and lets you play with kittens and stuff. I follow a bunch of them on my socials.”
“That sounds…unsanitary. And smelly.”
“Shut up, you ogre. It’s cute and adorable. And it’s fine. They don’t let the cats hang out where they make coffee and shit. There’s a separate room for them.” He fiddles on his phone for a second, then pulls up a video of three tiny, very adorable kittens rolling around with cat toys.
I have to admit, it does sound kind of nice. I’ve never had a pet before, but I’m thinking it might be a good idea. Maybe my mental health could use it.
“When does it open?” Maybe I’ll convince Lexi and Drew to come with me so I’m not the weird loser going in by myself to pet kittens.
Thom shrugs. “I don’t know. Mellie said it already has all the shit in it, so probably soon. We totally have to go.”
“Yeah.” I sit back. “Do they serve booze?”
Thom pulls a face. “No. But if you want booze, we’re having a little thing on Saturday for Rome.”
It takes a moment for Thom’s words to hit me, and then I nearly choke on my tongue. “For…Rome? Like…in Paris?”
He rolls his eyes. “Dude. No. It’s a welcome home party.”
A ringing starts in my ears, dull and unfiltered. Welcome home party? What the fuck does he mean by welcome home party?
I rub at my temples, an ache forming behind my eyes.
Thom leans forward. “Are you okay? I know you know what a welcome home party is.”
Shit, did I say that out loud?
“Yes,” Thom says slowly. “And you said that too.”
I fight the urge to slap my hand over my mouth. Instead, I breathe slowly and gain control of myself. “Cool. Well…it sounds like a blast and a half, but I don’t think I should come to that.”
Thom blinks. “Uh? Why not?”
“Because Rome hates me,” I say, like that should be obvious. Of course, Thom doesn’t know that Rome and I hooked up more than once.
Or how Rome was soft with me for a moment. How he promised he’d stay. How he left without a word and iced me out for three fucking years.
Thom makes a noise of impatient irritation. “He doesn’t hate you.”
I lift a brow at him.
“Seriously, he can be kind of elitist, but he gets over himself when he knows you’re serious about learning ASL, and you’ve been working your ass off since he’s been gone.”
I have. Not for him, I tell myself. It was absolutely not for him. Unfortunately, those words cut like a sharp-edged lie as I think them.
“Anyway, Robbie said he’s been incredibly homesick. He had kind of a shit time in France.”
Good, I think sourly, even as that makes my chest ache. I clear my throat. “Yeah, well…I don’t want to make it awkward by showing up.”
Thom stares, and then realization dawns on his face. “Awkward how? You mean that night? Dude, he probably doesn’t even remember.”
Fuck, Thom has no idea how deep those words cut because they’re probably true. Rome seems like the kind of guy who could fuck my brains out three times and then forget I ever existed.
“Just think about it,” Thom says to my continued silence. “It could be fun.”
It could be. But it could also be fucking torture.
Thom gets up and taps the edge of my desk, softer this time. “I’ll send you the address. His flight gets in at noon on Saturday, so we’re planning to meet around five.”
“I’ll,” I begin, then hesitate when Thom looks all doe-eyed. It’s the same look he always used to get his way when we were kids. Fucker. “I’ll think about it.”
He softens. “Cool. I’m gonna go get this last spin class done, then Robbie and I are going out for dinner. You, ah…” He hesitates for a second. “You’re welcome to come.”
A pity invite. No, thank you.
“I have plans,” I lie.
He smiles like I’m telling the truth. “Okay. Text me later. And I’ll make sure Robbie brings those gummies on Saturday…you know, in case you need one.”
I flip him off, and he grins. Robbie’s gummies should come with a goddamn disaster warning because no one can handle them. Not even him. But the idea is tempting.
Thom shoots me finger-guns, and then he’s gone without a care in the world, like he didn’t just upend mine entirely.
It really is a shame I’m not polyamorous, I think as I sit in a Lexi-Drew sandwich. Drew isn’t bi either. He’s just one of the rare, kind, sensitive straights who like to cuddle. The kind of guy I thought I was before Rome came along and fucked me six ways to Sunday.
But Drew is very good at cuddling, so I don’t care how he identifies. It’s why I was thrilled when he put that big-ass rock on Lexi’s finger last month, even if it makes me seethe with jealousy that I don’t have someone who looks at me the way he looks at her.
“How can anyone expect me to go to this…this fucking party?” I ask. I’m a little tipsy. Not enough though. Lexi only had half a bottle of Malbec in her kitchen, and most of that is currently in my stomach. “They’re all going to know.”
“They’re not going to know. Rome isn’t the kind of guy to kiss and tell,” she assures me, petting my hair.
“You don’t even know him,” I whine.
She shrugs. She doesn’t know him. She was teaching at the college Robbie works at, but because of funding cuts, programs were downsized, so she’s been working as an interpreter for the last year.
When Rome left, she was still new in town. The Deaf community is small, but it can be a little slow to accept outsiders. Especially hearing ones. We bonded over that a little, and for the first time since starting this journey, I felt heard.
“Yes, but I know guys like him, okay?” she says. She pats the back of my head, and my vision wobbles for a second. Fuck, I need more wine.
Leaning away from both Drew and Lexi, I cover my face, though I make sure my mouth is visible since Drew is hard of hearing. “Why do I still feel like this? Why didn’t all that other dick cleanse me of these feelings?”
Drew snorts. “Maybe you didn’t get enough. Or maybe the dick you had was faulty.”
I pull one hand down to glare at him with a single exposed eye. “Maybe someone should find me something better. Do you have a brother?”
Drew grimaces. “Yes, but you met him.”
I did meet him. He’s not queer, and he’s not nice. “Cousin?”
“Trust me, my family is not a pond you want to go fishing in,” Drew says softly. He pulls my other hand away from my face. “Maybe you just need to see him. You’ve had three years to pine with no kind of closure. Going over there might give you a chance to, you know, move on.”
“Drew’s right, babe,” Lexi says softly.
I turn my glare on her. “You always take his side.”
She pinches my cheek. “Only when he’s right.”
Which is most of the time, but I will not admit that aloud while I’m drunk and sad.
“I think I’m going to make a total ass of myself if I show up,” I finally admit. “I’m not good at playing it cool.”
“You’re better than you think you are,” Drew says. “You gave Lexi more than second thoughts when I came back into town.”
Guilt hits me. I did attempt to fight for her—briefly, and kind of weakly. I’d attempted a whole, unbothered attitude the first few times I met Drew, but it hadn’t mattered. I wasn’t in love with Lexi. I loved her, but that wasn’t enough. She deserved better, and Drew could give her that.
“You don’t need to flatter me.”
“I’m not,” Drew says.
“He really isn’t. But it was obvious you were still hung up on Rome,” Lexi adds. “Otherwise, I might have been really conflicted. You’re a good guy, babe. You’re one of my favorite people in the entire world. You deserve to be happy.”
“How about you both marry me instead?” I huff.
Drew laughs. “You know you’d be miserable. And Lexi’s right. You deserve to be actually happy. Just be patient.”
“But I’ve been patient for so looooong,” I moan.
Lexi wraps her arms around me tighter. “How about this? If you’re still looking for love by the wedding, Drew and I will make sure we have at least one available person at the reception that we know you’ll like.”
I wrinkle my nose. I want to say yes, because the offer is kind, and also because they both have gorgeous friends of literally all genders. But there’s one big, massive problem with that.
None of those friends are Rome.
But maybe they’re right. Maybe this is all about closure.
“You really think if I go and talk to him, I can stop this horrible feeling in my chest?” I ask.
Lexi leans forward and grabs my wineglass, pushing it back into my hand. “There’s only one way to find out.”
I groan. “No.”
Drew sighs and hugs me as I finish the glass of wine. “I’m afraid so. But trust the process. It worked for me and Lex.”
I pull away from him and stare. “You two are engaged!”
“Trust the process,” he repeats.
Lexi fills my glass with what’s left in the bottle. “We would never steer you wrong.”
“That’s exactly what someone who’d steer me wrong would say,” I mutter, but the more I drink, the more I realize their idea has some merit.
I mean, really, what’s the worst that can happen?