Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
ROME
A couple days before my flight, my aunt Hélène comes through on a short-term lease I’m able to occupy right away.
A college professor is on sabbatical for the semester and needs to rent out her place.
It works perfectly for me, and I shoot the address over to Quinn who volunteers to stock the place with food so I don’t have to deal with a shop while jet lagged.
I’m so ready to be home, and the feeling is worse the moment I see my dad smiling at me through the window of my car.
He steps out and hugs me, and my entire body goes lax in his arms. For a moment—just a breath—I’m a kid again. I have no worries, no stress, no heartbreak. Then he pulls back and frowns in concern.
‘Jet lag?’
I nod my fist. It’s easier to lie than to tell him the truth. That I’m back in the small town that almost ruined me.
He doesn’t ask, and I’m grateful for it.
After such a long flight, I just want to get to my place so I can shower and have a drink.
Preferably at the same time. I really need the time to think about what the hell I’m going to do now that I’m home after three fucking years away and failing to solve my Dex problem.
‘I can’t stay,’ he tells me as we round the corner and head toward the rental. ‘I have a meeting with the Paris office, and then I have to get ready for my flight. Will you be okay by yourself tonight?’
I nod. In all honesty, that sounds like the best way to deal with all this anxiety. ‘Don’t worry about me. I’m going to sleep for five days.’
He laughs and pats me on the shoulder before taking the final turn, and that’s when I see them in front of the condo building. Everyone I’ve run away from. Everyone I’ve missed so desperately.
Well. Almost everyone.
Robbie and Thom are there smiling. Quinn’s leaning against Thom’s car with a shit-eating grin, and Theo’s signing animatedly to Denver, who looks as exhausted as I feel. But he always looks exhausted.
My brows meet as my dad rolls to a stop, and I feel my heart thud in my chest, my eyes swiveling around the parking lot. Because there’s no Dex.
He’s not here. I don’t know why I expected him to be since we haven’t spoken and since I unfollowed him two years ago, but something about it hurts worse now that I know.
I let out a long breath and then force my lips to turn up at the corners as I climb out of the car and let everyone welcome me back into their fold.
I need to be happy to see them. Hell, I am happy to see them.
I’m just tired, and I know I’m going to have a long night of chat chat that I’m not in the mood for.
After a short forever of hellos that are almost as long as a Deaf goodbye, I make my way to the door and punch in the code, letting everyone in along with me.
I drop my suitcase as Quinn takes my arm and drags me to where they’ve clearly set up a temporary bar, and that’s when my forced smile becomes more natural, effortless.
My hands move as I respond to all the questions.
In ASL.
No more LSF.
I didn’t really realize what a strain that was until now.
Now I can communicate without struggling.
Fuck. My lungs expand and contract as I’m ushered into the living room, hands flying, asking me how it was living so far away for so long.
I’m going to be up all night recounting the last three years.
An energy drink is thrust into my hand, and my eyes meet Robbie’s as he smiles. He looks older but still just as happy, and Thom only seems to have grown hotter, bigger.
He looks like a supermodel.
Fuck, what does Dex look like in person now?
I’m not going to survive this, am I?
I’m immediately distracted when Quinn elbows Theo and points at me. ‘Look-look.’ His tongue is moving quickly.
Theo gives me a slow up and down, then grins and nods. ‘Yeah.’
I glare. ‘What?’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Quinn insists, which of course makes me immediately worry about it. God, do I look weird? Different? Like I don’t belong?
I cannot believe I’m panicking in my own home, surrounded by my own friends and family.
Theo slides up to me, obviously the one who is intent on being the good guy, and he waves his hand up and down my body. ‘Very French.’
I stare, then shove him away as he bursts into laughter. ‘Fuck you.’
Theo mimics twirling a mustache, and Quinn mimes smoking a cigarette and sipping wine.
‘I hate you.’
They laugh again, and something in me settles. I really am home. Robbie appears beside me, dropping onto the arm of the couch as I sink back against the cushions. He really does look happy, and I’m honestly not even mad about it.
‘Leave Rome alone. He’s had a long flight.’
His brothers pout a little but shrug, and Quinn waves at me to get my attention. ‘How was France after we visited?’
‘Fine.’
Quinn kicked me in the shin. ‘Fine? More detail. Tell everything.’
‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’
‘French dick?’ Theo asked. ‘Blowjobs?’
Do I lie or tell the truth? I was a total loser. A social pariah of my own making in France. I should have come home with a belt so notched it won’t even buckle anymore, but instead, I was a hermit pining for some guy who I have no business pining over.
I feel a wave of panic suddenly. They’ll be able to read all of this on my face. Their Deaf eyes miss nothing, and I don’t know how to hide it.
‘Be right back,’ I sign, fingers shaking slightly. I jump up and head through the kitchen and past the sliding door, and breathe a little easier the moment I’m out in the fresh air. It smells like home, even if it’s not my place.
It’s still the small town where I grew up. A place that has seen me at my best and my worst.
No one’s outside in the tiny backyard, so I lean against the fence and stare off into the distance.
There’s a large field and a tiny manmade lake with several swans floating around.
It’s pretty, though I know the swans are nasty little bastards who are almost as bad as the geese. But for now, it’s mine.
Footsteps rumble under my feet, but I don’t look over as the person approaches. I know who it’s going to be. Only one person would be brave enough to chase me down with the mood I’m in.
Robbie slides up beside me and jerks his chin in a sort of greeting. I bet he picked that shit up from Thom.
‘You okay?’
‘Jet lag,’ I tell him, the letters flicking off my fingers.
He gives me a look that tells me he knows I’m full of shit. We’ve been in each other’s lives for too long, and we’ve known each other far too intimately for me to be able to lie to him.
‘Are you happy to be home?’
‘Yes.’ The word feels like a lie on my hand. I am happy. But I was hoping to come back a different man. Maybe even show up with a hot French Deaf boyfriend who had a big dick and a talented tongue.
Robbie lifts a brow. ‘You can talk to me, you know. Unless you still hate me.’
‘I never hated you.’
‘Liar.’
Fine. I hated him for a little while, but I won’t admit it. ‘I’m over it. You and Thom are good together, and he’s worked hard for you.’
Robbie looks relieved. Shit, maybe he really was worried about how I felt. It’s not like we talked a lot when I was gone for three years. ‘I didn’t want to lose you.’
I wait for the pain to hit me because those are words I’ve wanted to see on his hands for a long, long time. But it doesn’t come, which is okay. That’s progress.
‘I’m still here.’
‘I didn’t mean to ice you out. Thom really wants to be friends.’ I do my best not to grimace, but I know I fail because Robbie rolls his eyes. ‘He can hold a conversation at Deaf speed.’
It’s not that. With Thom comes Dex, so he’s always going to be around in some capacity. Which means I’ll have to see him again. I’ll have to look him in the eye knowing what I know.
Wanting what I want.
And I’ll have to see him and his gorgeous girlfriend and watch them be happy together—which is what I want for him. Really, I’m not even lying. Because I know he’s not for me.
Ugh, my head hurts. A throbbing, angry pressure sits against the back of my skull.
Robbie taps me gently. ‘Let’s go inside. I’ll get my brothers to wrap it up.’
I shake my head quickly. I’m not going to rain on the welcome home parade just because I didn’t fix my shit while I was gone. ‘No. Stay. Eat. Drink. Chat-chat.’
He huffs a laugh, then threads his arm through mine and drags me back inside, where Thom is waiting with a smile. He’s not even jealous because he’s secure in himself. The asshole.
He gestures toward the couch, which has been vacated by Robbie’s brothers—who are god knows where. Probably wandering around being nosy and going through my suitcases.
Either way, it makes it easy to settle in. Thom hands me a drink, and I sniff at it just to be my usual asshole self. Don’t want anyone to think I’ve changed too much.
Once again, he doesn’t get mad. He just rolls his eyes as I take a long sip.
It’s not strong enough, but it’s strong, and I decide it might be time to make peace.
‘Did Robbie’s brothers tell you about his sign name yet?’ I ask him.
Thom brightens like Christmas has come early as Robbie slaps a hand over his face. ‘Horny-rooster-corn,’ he signs happily.
Robbie flips him off, then me, as I laugh. ‘He tried so hard to be edgy at sixteen.’
Thom reaches out and plays with a bit of Robbie’s hair. ‘You would have looked so good with a mohawk.’
Gross. They’re so schmoopy and disgusting. I smile anyway, thinking about the story Quinn and Theo told me where a teenage Robbie had tried so hard to be a punk and ended up giving himself a sign name that failed spectacularly.
Robbie sighs and sags against his boyfriend, eyes going closed—so fucking trusting in ways I don’t know that I have ever been.
I hate to admit it, but Thom fits right in here. Just like I used to. But now it seems that I’ve started growing in all the wrong shapes, and I don’t fit anywhere anymore.
I look over when I see Thom waving in my periphery. ‘Do you have plans this week?’