Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
ROME
To say that my dick is rubbed raw over Dex on his knees for me is an understatement. The number of times I’ve shamefully jacked off to thoughts and memories of him is getting ridiculous.
I can’t believe he sucked my cock. Willingly.
And not just willingly. He fucking started it. I didn’t say a word, and he chased me down and dropped to his knees and gave me the best orgasm of my life. And after, when he should have run off in shame, he didn’t.
He kissed me instead, with a tenderness that should have been reserved for the woman he was going to marry.
It makes my head spin. What was he up to in the years I was gone? Before I left, I was his first guy. He hadn’t even realized he wanted to be with a man until the night at the club. But at the gym, he sucked me like he knew what he was doing. Like he’d done it before.
Which guy did he hook up with while I was gone?
And why the fuck do I care? He has a fiancée, the fucking cheater, so that should be the last of my worries. And yet, I can’t get the vision of him on his knees with another man out of my head. It makes me angry. Jealous. Hateful.
It’s destroying any ability to follow through on my plans to let him go.
I flush the toilet paper with my cum on it down the toilet and stalk out, washing my hands vigorously. I don’t want anyone to smell the scent of my release on me.
I’m already pathetic enough.
If my dad knew what I was doing on company time, he’d expire from shame. He passed this place over to me because he thought I was responsible, not some horny guy who’s reverted to his teenage years and jacking off in the office toilet.
Well, no need, Dad. I’m already dying enough for the both of us.
The door to the office suite opens, and I know it’s the interpreter from the all-black attire and the fact that they’re ten minutes early. But when I see her face, I nearly pass out from guilt.
It’s Lexi.
Like, Dex’s Lexi.
His fiancée.
I stare at the ring on her finger and feel my cheeks heat. Thankfully, she seems oblivious because of course Dex wouldn’t tell her that we’d gotten each other off, but dear God.
She’s marrying a cheater.
I should tell her. She deserves the truth. I lift my hands, but the signs fizzle at the tips of my fingers and I lose my nerve.
‘You Rome?’ she asks me when my arms fall at my sides. Her red lips curl up into a small, polite grin. Fuck, she really is beautiful, and I don’t think I can handle seeing the pain on her face when I tell her the truth.
No. Dex needs to do it. I need to confront him and force him to come clean.
‘Yes,’ I finally answer as she continues to stare at me.
She holds out her hand, and I shake it. ‘Nice to meet you. I’m the interpreter. Lexi.’
Another wave of nausea hits and I breathe through it. ‘Nice to meet you.’
My mind is a war zone, battling over whether I should cancel this meeting and hire another purely for ethical reasons. But before I can make a decision, she asks, ‘Where we meeting? Any notes I can have beforehand?’
She’s a consummate professional, and fuck, I can’t reschedule this.
It’s my fault, anyway. If I weren’t such a slut for Dex, then maybe we wouldn’t be in this predicament. I’ve never been this kind of man before, and I have no idea why it’s Dex, of all people, who can turn me into a wanton whore who doesn’t care that he’s about to get married.
Shit. I take a breath and gather myself. I can be professional too. ‘No notes. Should be easy. We’ll meet in here.’
I show her the conference room, and she nods. ‘Just let me know where you’d like me to sit.’
I point to the other side of the table, and she nods just as two men appear from the startup tech company. She immediately shifts into interpreter mode, moving toward them, waiting for me to make introductions.
I force my mind to shut up and focus. This is my first contract negotiation since taking over at the home office, and I need this to go well. Dex being a cheater can wait.
I’ll let her know after the meeting.
If I grow the balls to do it. Right now, they’re shriveled inside of me.
I force myself to wear my professional mask and get started.
Lexi, of course, is fucking good at her job.
Her signs are smooth like butter, her interpretations clear.
Now I know why Dex is so good at signing and why he progressed so quickly.
He must have learned a lot from her. I can even see some similarities in the way they sign things, which feels like tiny stabs to the center of my chest.
Her mark is all over him, and now, so is mine. Only she can’t see what I left behind.
I turn my attention back to the meeting, listening as they describe their company, and then I pull up some slides, ready to make my point in advocating for accessibility for Deaf employees.
It’s all simple stuff, things I sometimes forget aren’t common sense for hearing people.
A lot of what we do is teaching and making sure Deaf employees have access to the same things the hearing employees do.
We go over how my company can help, and when the meeting finally wraps up, they’re ready to sign on the dotted line.
My first successful negotiation without my dad, and all I can feel is guilt over what I did with Dex.
‘Congrats,’ she tells me, offering me her hand to shake again. ‘Seems like that went well.’
I grimace in an attempt to smile and nod. ‘I think so. Thank you for your help. You have your paperwork I can sign?’
She doesn’t seem to care that I’m being abrupt. She produces everything I need to scribble my signature on, and then she tucks it away and smiles again. ‘Feel free to request me again for your next meeting. It was very nice working with you.’
I nod, though the gesture is a fucking lie. There’s not a chance I’m going to go out of my way to work with her again. I don’t care how good she is. I can’t live with this feeling in my chest, especially because I know that eventually she’s going to learn who I am.
If she’s going to marry Dex, I’m going to see her. He’s Thom’s brother, and if anything, Thom and Robbie are only getting more serious. God help me if she finds out who I am, then sends me an invite to the wedding. How will Dex be able to look either of us in the eye?
My stomach roils, and I move to the bathroom, splashing water on my face, trying to regain my composure. But it’s hard when I’m feeling guilty as hell.
I should have told her about what happened. I should have warned her about him. About me.
About how I know that if I see Dex again, I’m going to do it all over again.
He’s a bad habit. One I can’t quit.
And one I’m not sure I want to.
I don’t mean to find myself at the drag club, but I know Denver’s there for rehearsals.
They’re putting on a Deaf rendition of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I would be excited for if I weren’t stuck with my head so far up my own ass about Dex that I can’t see straight.
But I sent out an SOS to a couple of friends who aren’t in Dex’s inner circle—which leaves Quinn and Theo out—and Denver was the one who answered.
It’s complicated because I know he was Dex’s professor, but I can only hope they haven’t become best friends in the time that I was gone.
I swing by the bar first to grab a gin and tonic, sucking on the lime as I make my way past the side doors, and I breeze into the dressing room hallway.
There are several drag queens in there I recognize, and I sign quick hellos before one of them points me in Denver’s direction. He’s in half costume, no wig but heels, fishnets, and a glittery black Dr. Frank-N-Furter corset, half bent over as he’s pulling something out of his bag.
I stomp on the floor, and he looks over, then smiles. ‘Hi! Did you see us rehearse?’
I shake my head. ‘Just got here.’ I take a long sip of my drink. It’s too fucking weak, but it has to be. I need to drive after this. ‘How was it?’
He sinks down, his shoulders heaving with a sigh, and then he points to an empty chair beside his makeup station, telling me to join him. ‘It’s going okay. Half of the queens are twenty-one-year-old Gen Z. They don’t even know who Tim Curry is.’
I grimace. ‘Tragic.’
He nods. ‘But we’re not here to talk about RHPS or Gen Z, who think that the cry-laugh face is sarcasm. Tell me what’s wrong?’
I guess we’re just jumping right in. I have to be careful when I spill my guts.
I don’t know if Dex is still an active student after three years.
The community college only offers a two-year program, so I’m pretty sure if Dex stayed on track, he’d be off the ASL pathway by now, but I have no idea if he stalled out or took a break.
It’s risky, but I have to be brave.
Dex should be punished for being a dirty cheater.
But…the thought of him in pain or hurting makes me want to choke on my tongue, so I decide in that moment I’m not going to use his name.
God, I am so fucked.
Denver taps my ankle with the point of his heel. ‘Tell me.’
I take a breath, then sit my glass down because I want both hands for this. ‘I met someone.’
His eyes go wide. ‘Here?’
It takes me a second to understand the context of his question. ‘Yes. Here. No one in France.’ He gives me a look full of pity, which leaves me freshly pissed off, but it passes. ‘I knew him before I left.’
‘Deaf?’ he asks. The look on my face must answer that question because his eyes go wide. ‘Okay. Go on,’ he signs.
My fingers hesitate because how do I say this? How can I say this without giving away details? ‘We hooked up after I got back, and then I found out he’s engaged.’
Denver’s eyes go wider. ‘Wow.’
‘That’s not the worst part,’ I warn.
He leans forward, riveted because of course he is.
‘After I found out, I went to confront him, but we ended up fucking again.’ Fucking doesn’t even seem right. It felt like more than that. It was a soul-crushing, feral orgasm. But I’m not going to sign that in a room full of Deaf drag queens who are extra gossipy.
As predicted, Denver looks mildly disappointed in me, which I absolutely deserve. As much as I want to tell myself that it’s not my business who Dex hooks up with, I’m better than that. I’m worth so much more than being some dude’s side piece.
Even the thought of that makes me feel nauseous.
And then a little horny because the wrongness of it all is…enticing.
Denver takes a long beat before he answers me. ‘Do you want validation, or do you want me to tell you off?’
‘Both. Neither. I don’t know.’
His expression softens. ‘You like him.’
Bowing my head, I take a deep, long, slow breath before looking back up again. ‘I do. I didn’t mean to.’
Denver’s face goes to panic. ‘Oh my god. Is it Robbie?’
Way too close to the mark, but also, thankfully, way off. When I say engaged, his mind doesn’t immediately go to Dex, so thank fuck for that.
And then it hits me. ‘Are Robbie and Thom engaged?’ I take comfort in the fact that it hurts, but not because I want Robbie for myself. Only that I thought he might have told me this himself.
Denver shrugs. ‘Not officially, but they might as well be a married couple.’
That’s fair. They are obnoxiously into each other, even after all this time. For a while, I’d secretly hoped that once Robbie and Thom could communicate properly, Robbie would see the error of his ways of dating a hearing guy.
And yes, I know that makes me the world’s biggest hypocrite.
But it seems like the more they get to know each other, the harder they fall in love, which is good for them. I just wish it were that easy for me.
‘It’s not Robbie,’ I tell him, realizing I hadn’t answered his question. ‘He wouldn’t do that to Thom.’
Denver nods. ‘True-biz. Sorry I asked, but I freaked out. Do I know this person?’
I hesitate, my ears turning red.
‘Never mind,’ Denver signs quickly. ‘I want plausible deniability.’
He’s such an ass sometimes. But I also get it. I would want the same thing. If it weren’t me Dex was dicking down, I’d be running so far away from any knowledge of this incident.
‘There’s more,’ I confess after a moment of tense stillness.
Dever’s brows shoot up. ‘More?’
I feel like shit as I sign, ‘I met his fiancée today. I kept telling myself she deserved to know, but I couldn’t do it. She was nice. I didn’t want to hurt her.’
And in truth, I’m not sure I want to stop seeing Dex, which makes me a complete monster. But how am I supposed to ignore this feeling in my chest that’s telling me Dex is mine?
Denver rolls his lips through his teeth, then waves his hand at me to get my full attention. ‘Does he know you know he’s engaged?’
‘No.’
Denver bites his lip. ‘Tell him. Make him come clean to you.’
The thought of that makes me want to throw up on Denver’s nice, shiny high heels. But I also know he’s right. I can’t just keep this to myself. I can’t pretend like none of this is happening.
Dex has to own what he’s done, but so do I. I could only claim ignorance until I saw them at the restaurant and that ring on Lexi’s finger.
I knew, and I still let him touch me. I knew, and I still let him take my cock into his mouth and suck my brains out. I knew, and I still wanted more.
I have to stop this before it gets entirely out of hand.
‘I will.’
Denver gives me a pointed look.
‘Promise. I will. Trust. I’ll end it.’
He nods. ‘You’re a good person. You deserve to be loved on your own. Not kept secret.’
I wish I could believe him, but it’s almost impossible. I wasn’t good enough for the only man I ever loved before this, and that was entirely my fault for treating Robbie like he was disposable and allowing him to believe I didn’t want more.
And now, getting over him, I’m falling for the other impossible man in my life. And seeing as he’s also in love with someone else, I’m wondering if maybe this is all some sort of curse.