Chapter 16 - Athena
Lying on my bed, I browse online stores to kill time and try my best to distract myself.
I’ve never been rich before. I’ve never had access to a crazy amount of money.
I didn’t intend to spend his money, but he messaged me this morning with a link to some really beautiful sneakers.
With a message that said I think you need these.
They look like they’d suit you. I love the pink, but look at the other colors too.
Maybe you also want to order them in white or blue?
Maybe also browse around for some boots and another winter jacket?
It reminded me that he had loaded the card details onto my phone and told me to get whatever I wanted.
Clicking on the link to the shoes made me smile. They are so me. I never got to be fashion-forward because all the fashion-forward things I wanted in the past were way past anything I could ever afford.
I add the pink sneakers to my cart. Then decide that the white ones are cute too.
On the same site, I find a pair of leather boots that remind me of an old secondhand pair of Dr. Martens I used to have, but way cooler, with buckles and studs.
Imagine wearing those with a cute pink dress that has soft tulle layers.
I add those to the cart too.
For an hour or two, I browse shops and buy a ton of things I hardly need.
It’s fun, to a certain degree. It’s freedom I never had before, and it’s exciting not to have to think about the price of things. But it also isn’t distracting me enough to get me to stop thinking about the things that have been looping in my mind since I spoke to my father… and then to Adrian.
What am I supposed to do about all of this?
I told my father not to call me again, but is that really the answer?
Isn’t there a better solution?
Another hour goes by, and the shopping has lost all its shine for me. I’ve ordered a lot. Adrian might even be mad when it starts arriving over the next few days or when he sees the charges on his card.
Sighing, I drop the phone onto my pillow and roll onto my side to stare out of the window.
Still snowing. But it’s softer than yesterday, and the wind has stopped. It’s really pretty outside. Maybe I should go take photos.
Ugh.
I need to talk to someone. I need to get all these thoughts out of my head to sort them into manageable piles of ideas I can actually process. Right now, I’m just looping and getting nowhere. It’s frustrating.
But there is only one person I ever used to pour my heart out to.
My mother.
I know, it sounds weird that I was pouring my heart out to a gravestone, but I always felt like she could hear me. I always felt like she snuck answers into my thoughts and set my heart at peace.
I used to go sit by her grave and read to her or tell her about my day. I would tell her everything.
It was easier than talking to my dad. He wasn’t really the type of man you shared emotional stuff with. It always felt like I was burdening him, so I learned not to share my thoughts or my opinions. I learned to be polite and easy-going around him.
I wish my mom were here now. She would know what to do.
I imagine moms as these magical beings who have all the answers.
Sighing, I sit up and stare at my bedroom door.
Maybe I should go talk to her. It’s better than sitting in this room staring at the window.
I need fresh air and to clear my head.
But it’s not the best or safest area to go alone. My dad couldn’t exactly afford an expensive grave site for her.
Reluctantly, I throw my legs off the side of the bed and plod my way downstairs in search of Adrian. I’m not reckless enough to go there alone, so I’ll just ask him to take me.
It’ll be a little awkward, but it’s ok. I get the feeling he wants to make things right between us, so I hope he understands that I need this.
Adrian is in the kitchen when I find him.
As soon as I walk in, he stops what he’s doing and turns to smile at me. “Hi, you, do you want some tea?” he asks. “Did you see the sneakers I sent you?”
“I did. I ordered them. They were really cute. I ordered quite a bit of stuff, actually,” I smile nervously.
“Awesome, I can’t wait to see what you got.” He holds up an empty mug and raises his brows.
“No, thank you, but I have a favor to ask you?”
He sets the mug down and gives me his full attention. “Anything,” he answers.
“I need you to take me to Smithson Street downtown. There is a small park there and…”
“That is a really dangerous part of town, Athena. I really don’t think you should be going there. Is this something to do with your father? I would prefer you go somewhere else.”
“No, it’s not about my father. There is a park there and…”
“There is a really nice park in the city center. I can take you there. We can get cinnamon pancakes or something, or maybe hot chocolate?”
I sigh, fidgeting with my braided hair that is hanging over my shoulder. “My mom’s grave is next to the park.”
“Oh,” he says quietly. “Sorry, I should have just let you speak without interrupting.”
“It’s ok. I know it’s not a safe area, which is why I didn’t just go alone. Please, will you take me there?” I ask again.
“Yes, of course I will. Do you want to go now?”
“Yes, please. I want to stop and get some flowers on the way. It’s silly, but I think sunflowers are her favorite.”
“We will find the most beautiful sunflowers in town then. There is a flower seller near the subway. They always have the most beautiful exotic flowers; if there are sunflowers anywhere, they’ll be there.”
“You buy a lot of girls flowers?” I muse with a tinge of jealousy.
He chuckles. “No, not at all, actually. But my sisters love flowers.”
The flower boutique is magnificent. They have flowers in there that I have never seen in my life, in colors I didn’t know existed.
Luckily, they also have sunflowers. I end up choosing the sunflowers, but at Adrian’s encouragement, I also get my mom a huge bouquet of rare flowers so she can enjoy their beauty.
Now we are at the gravesite, and I’m walking toward her tombstone.
Last time I was here, I scrubbed it clean, and it’s still looking good even through the winter weather. Adrian stays back, giving me space to be alone with her.
My gloved hands are wrapped around the massive bunch of flowers.
I smile as I near her grave.
“Hi mom,” I say softly.
My heart warms immediately as though she’s answering me.
I prop the flowers up against her headstone, carefully wedging two beautiful stones on either side to keep them where I set them.
With my gloved hand, I dust off the edge of the stone wall right next to her and sit down on it.
“Sorry, I haven’t been to visit in a while. Some things have been happening.”
For twenty minutes, I talk to her. I tell her about Dad.
I tell her about Adrian. I tell her about everything that has been stuck in my head and clouding my thoughts, and she listens, and I feel her laugh every now and then.
She makes me feel like life is full of ups and downs, and every little mountain is only an opportunity to learn something about myself and to grow stronger.
She tells me that if I let myself get quiet and stop being impatient, my heart will know what to do.
I stand up from her grave side feeling lighter.
Glancing behind me, I see Adrian quietly watching me, as patient as ever.
I motion for him to come over. I told my mom all about him; I may as well introduce them.
He walks to my side with his hands deep in his pockets to ward off the cold.
“This is um… this is my mom. Where she’s resting.”
He smiles, his eyes soften as he looks from me to my mom’s gravestone.
“Did she help you clear your mind as you hoped?” he asks.
I nod. “She always does. I have no idea how it works, but whether they are by our side or not, mothers have a way of being magical,” I smile.
He wraps his arm around me and gives me a gentle hug. “If she were right by your side now, I bet she’d be incredibly proud of the amazing woman you have become, Athena,” he whispers.
I glance up at him. “I always told my mom everything. It never felt like I was burdening her when I spoke to her. It’s not the same with my dad.
With him, I kept my thoughts to myself because somewhere inside, I guess I knew he didn’t really have the time to hear.
Maybe he’s always been selfish. Maybe my mom’s death made him that way.
But in his eyes, I was just a good daughter.
A quiet, well-behaved daughter who never caused trouble, and it was only because I never spoke my mind or complained. ”
“With me, you can always say whatever is on your mind. I want you to know that. Good or bad. Don’t ever hold back.
I’d rather know exactly what you are thinking and feeling than have you feel like you need to shrink yourself for my benefit,” he says with such deep sincerity that it causes a lump to form in my throat.
I smile and lean my head against his side, and he holds me a little tighter.
“Are you hungry?” I ask after a long moment.
“Chinese?” he replies.
“Ok, but I am taking you to my favorite Chinese food place, and it’s not the fancy vibe you are used to.”
He chuckles. “Alright, kitten, you lead the way.”
I navigate him to Chinatown. It’s late afternoon, and all the lights are on.
Neon signs glowing in Chinese lettering, hanging between colorful lanterns and paper dragons.
The place is alive with people and laughter.
We walk down the narrow street, closed off to cars and only open to pedestrians.
There are hawkers with tables set up out in the cool winter air, selling Tiger Balm, incense, and small, curious little oddities that I could spend hours browsing.
We walk past a silk vendor, and I pause to trace my fingers over the beautiful kimono I have admired for years since I found this place. The old woman is sitting in a chair, a kimono on her lap. She is busy hand-stitching a dragon into the soft fabric.
I watch her for a while as my fingers linger on the kimono closest to me.
She takes such care in her work. Each stitch is done with careful thought.
“Do you want it?” he asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“I’ve sort of always wanted it. It was one of my favorite things to come here and look at it and watch her making them,” I laugh, feeling silly as I remember how money used to be this impossible idea to me.
No matter how hard I worked, it never seemed to be enough.
I always daydreamed about the day I could come here and buy one of these beautiful kimonos, made with such love.
“I’ll take the black one with the golden dragon,” he tells the lady standing nearby. “Your work is magnificent,” he adds with a smile.
“Oh yes, good choice,” she nods, happy to be making a sale. She stands up, setting her needle and thread aside.
“Do you think it’s real silk?” I whisper to Adrian, worried that he might not like it if the quality isn’t good enough. I imagine he only likes the most luxurious things, and my little dream of owning one of these kimonos might not have the same meaning for him.
“Does it matter if it makes you happy?” he asks just as quietly with a grin, glittering in his eyes.
I giggle and shake my head. He pulls me a little closer and whispers against my ear, “Not everything worth enjoying has an expensive price tag. I admire her art. Her patience. Her work truly is beautiful. Just because some big brand hasn’t commercialized her doesn’t mean anything.
In fact, it might make it even more exceptional. ”
I look up at him, my heart warming at his understanding. He understands why I find them so special.
“I’ll take the white one with the golden dragon,” I tell the lady. My heart flips with excitement.
“Really? Not the pink one?” he asks, surprised.
“Oh no. I have had a long time to think about this. The white one is the most elegant. And this piece is meant to be elegant. It’s too exquisite to be anything else.”
“Aah, yes, you two will be the perfect couple in black and white. Yin and Yang. You complement each other,” the lady says, folding the kimonos carefully between tissue paper and placing them each in a handmade paper box.
The whole process is like a ritual to her, and it adds to the experience.
My heart fills with happiness when she hands me the box.
My life has changed a lot in a short time.
This kimono that I have wanted for so long somehow resembles that.
“Thank you,” I smile at her.
Then I turn to Adrian and stand on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “Thank you,” I smile at him, too.
My mom is right. I need to have patience and listen to my heart. When the time comes, I will know what to do.